<<<REWIND
Sarawat was strumming his guitar with nimble fingers when familiar, loud voices invaded his peaceful headspace. Curiously he stood up to look out over the balcony where the music club had its usual hang out. Indeed, down below was Tine's group of friends goofing off, a blinding smile plastered on Tine's lips as he giggled at something one of the other guys had said, the high pitched chuckles carrying all the way over where the tanned boy was observing from above. Tine's head spun around suddenly and he caught a glimpse of Sarawat, the tall boy staring stoically at them, lips jutting out. Tine's eyes went wide but then he lifted a slender hand and waved, beckoning Sarawat over.
"We're going out for dinner," Tine shouted, cupping hands around his pretty, pink mouth to make the sound carry better. "You should join us!"
Sarawat glanced at his watch. He had a couple of hours before he had to be at the agency for some kind of a sound check. Sarawat was starting to believe that they were just toying around with him, recurrently changing the recording and release dates of his supposed to be single. He furrowed his dark brows, feeling a little out of his depth, a total novice in the music industry and not really being able to tell right from wrong. He certainly did not like this feeling but he had to start off somewhere. But only time would tell. Sarawat was not particularly worried, no matter what happened he felt pretty confident in being able to handle whatever that came at him. His sole weakness was this one annoying fair skinned boy, with a dazzling bright smile and stars in his eyes.
"-wat! Sarawat?"
Sarawat snapped out of it and looked over the railing again, being brought out of his thoughts by Tine's voice. He then nodded eagerly in reply, brown hair flopping over his big, dark eyes. Sarawat put the guitar in its case and slung it over one strong shoulder, sauntering downstairs to join the group of lively guys. He should just enjoy this rare and peaceful moment. Hopefully Tine would not go all stiff and awkward on him.
Breaking off the fake relationship had felt too tangible, as if they had broken up for real. Surely Tine could feel that as well but he was showing no signs of it, opting for feigning a sense of rigid normality between them.
***
The stoic boy was sitting close to Tine, watching him struggle with the strings of the guitar in his embrace. Sarawat exhaled and rolled his big eyes fondly, finding Tine's sullen actions endearing. His dark, glossy hair was falling into his eyes as he stuck the pink tip of his tongue out in concentration. Sarawat's heart fluttered at the sight and he tried to push down the on slaughter of feelings that rushed through him, like a tidal wave. He thought that he could handle this, but the more time he was spending around Tine, all the more his feelings seemed to flourish. Liking Tine from afar had felt painful but being this close, no longer having an excuse to even shamelessly touch him or being able to do anything about his crush, was even worse. It was pure torture. Why did Sarawat even like this annoying brat?
"I can't believe you're still this bad at playing the guitar," he muttered and shuffled closer to the other boy, intentionally invading his personal space. Tine flushed, his mouth opening and closing several times, not being able to formulate a clever retort. "Here, let me show you," Sarawat huffed and reached around Tine's shoulder, leaning his chest against Tine's well built back and placing tanned hands on top of Tine's fair ones. "Press down here and then with this finger you-" he interrupted his rambling when sensing a burning gaze on his skin.
Sarawat raised his head and found himself mere inches from Tine's sharp nose. If he inclined his head just a little then their mouths would smudge into an innocent kiss. Tine's clear eyes darted to Sarawat's bow shaped lips, before agonizingly dragging across his features and finally connecting with his deep eyes. Something sizzling darted between them, setting Sarawat's lower belly on fire. Tine's brows pinched slightly as his eyes searched Sarawat's face for some kind of a sign, then he started to lean in, completely lost in the moment.
Shit. Sarawat panicked, jerking away. He released his arms around Tine and faltered backwards from the force of the hefty movement, falling entirely off the bench they were sitting on. Tine turned around, giggling. His sharp cheeks were flushed as he reached a lithe hand to help Sarawat up from the dusty floor.
"What's got you so spooked?" He asked coyly, eyes being downcast, peering shyly at their entwined hands. Their own ying and yang. Sarawat blinked dazedly. What. Was Tine flirting with him or was Sarawat just reading into things? Tine had asked Sarawat to help him learn how play this one song for a girl he was currently crushing on, wanting to serenade her. But now he was acting all coy with Sarawat instead. What an annoying brat! Did he even realize what this did to Sarawat's insides?
Sarawat smirked quickly, lopsidedly and tugged at Tine's hand, making him lurch over the bench and almost tumble down over the other boy sprawled on the floor. Sarawat's eyes glittered teasingly.
"H-hey!" Tine yelped, bracing his other hand on the seat to stop the fall. The flush on his face spread further down his neck and lapped at the tips of his ears. Cute. Sarawat's smirk grew more twisted as he gazed darkly from under his lashes at the other boy. Was it really that unimaginable for Tine to fall in love with Sarawat? Then he would take what he could get. Some innocent flirting would not hurt anyone, especially since Tine seemed none the wiser, acting as clueless as always.
"Sorry," Sarawat droned, lips crooked and released Tine's warm hand, letting the other boy turn around to regain his bearings. He stared at Tine' strong back, enjoying the outline of his traps under the white cotton of the shirt, eyes trailing the slope of his strong shoulders that were slightly hunched as Tine went back to strumming a nonsensical melody on their guitar. Would Sarawat ever be on the receiving end of Tine's efforts?
***
"Sarawat, is it true that you're gay?" His manager asked suddenly, peering at him through the rearview mirror while swiftly steering the wheel. Sarawat just nodded without looking up from his phone, preoccupied with the instagram post that Tine had tagged him in. The tires suddenly screeched and Sarawat was lurched forward from the force of the brake. "What?" The manger asked gravely, turning around in his seat to stare at the younger man with outrage. "You can't be gay."
Sarawat furrowed his brows, staring back with a sour expression at the older man. What. He glanced out the window, blinking bewilderedly. At least the man had parked haphazardly into a pocket on the road, getting them out of harm's way.
"Why?" Sarawat dawdled, regaining his composure and raising his chin hauntingly, peering darkly at the older man through his lashes. What kind of fucked up situation was this?
"The agency strongly forbids any scandals, there's a clause for fines written into the agreement and something like this will certainly become a scandal. Shit, I thought that my niece was just making things up."
"Your niece?" Sarawat asked confusedly, his thoughts all jumbled. He would be fined for something like this? This was madness. He had seen the clause mentioning scandals but it had never occurred to him that being gay would be considered as such, when it was a part of his very being and not just a drunken mistake or whatever other celebrities managed to get themselves into.
"Yes, she goes to the same university and kept yapping about a gay couple on campus. Imagine my surprise when she showed me a picture of you with some other guy." The man locked hard eyes on Sarawat. "You better break up with that boy or you will be slaughtered in this industry. You both will be outed in the worst possible way."
Sarawat's lips twisted downward, dark eyes narrowing. Was this dude for real? This was not the 18th century, really. His grip on the phone tightened. Sarawat did not like this at all. Why would they even drag Tine into this?
***
"What?!" Tine gaped at Sarawat, his cute bunny teeth peeking out from under the fleshy upper lip, eyes huge. A loopy smile pulled at Sarawat's lips at the other boy's stunned expression. "Are you going to drop out then?"
Sarawat shook his head, eyes unreadable as he went back to stare at Tine. Would this nuisance even miss him? It was hard to tell with Tine. He was friendly to everyone and albeit they had gone back to an easygoing friendship, it was still a superficial one. Tine had stopped mentioning Scrubb songs around Sarawat and he was rather meticulous with avoiding all invitations to spend time in Sarawat's dorm room.
"No, I'll finish my degree but I'll probably be away most of the time," he explained.
"Wow, I didn't know that you wanted to be an idol," Tine murmured amazed and slurped at his blue colored drink, looking incredulously at the other boy. Sarawat rolled his eyes and reached over the table, whacking the back of Tine's head and making him splutter. "Hey," the fair skinned boy whined, rubbing at the sore spot. "What was that for?"
"Don't use the word idol," he chided and Tine giggled, eyes squinting and crinkling at the corners in mirth. Sarawat felt a flush prickle at his neck. Thank god that he did not blush easily or he would never hear the end of Tine's teasing.
"Yeah, it doesn't sound as cool and mysterious as you are trying to be," Tine wagged his fine brows and tried to kick Sarawat under the table to get back for the head whack, causing a small ruckus as he accidentally hit his sneaker clad foot on one of the iron bars below the bench instead, face getting pinched at the instant jolt of pain.
"Are you alright?" Sarawat asked worriedly, inclining his head to getter a better view of Tine, now that he was clutching at his foot under the table. The fair skinned man just waved him off, flushing slightly from the combined effect of pain and embarrassment. Why could he never be smooth? He seemed like a baby next to the stoic presence of Sarawat, even though both of them were evenly matched in size.
"Just don't forget me when you get famous," Tine said through clenched teeth, trying to rub the ache away. As if Sarawat would be able to forget Tine. He was deeply imprinted in his heart and on the retinas of his eyes. If faith would have it then Sarawat would always keep Tine by his side. "I want front row seats," Tine muttered sullenly but then perked up suddenly when a thought struck him. "Oh," he exclaimed, shiny eyes darting over to Sarawat. "I want backstage tickets to the girl group concerts."
Sarawat arched his brows, his long fingers twitching on the tabletop. He just wanted to whack this fool on the head again. When would he stop daydreaming about the girls and finally see what was in front of him? Fuck. Sarawat did not even have a fabricated excuse of dating anymore to reprimand the other boy. He clamped his mouth shut instead, trying to suppress the burst of conflicted feelings inside of him.
Is this how everything would come to an end? Without Tine even getting the tiniest gist of Sarawat's feelings for him?
***
Tine was talking intensely with Noomnim behind a building nook on the campus grounds. Sarawat felt like a creep, having spotted them all the way from the balcony of the music club. That thought was however discarded quickly when he noticed how close they were standing, his face going instantly dark. Out of all the places, they just had to have their rendezvous right there, in Sarawat's straight line of sight. His hands slipped on the strings and the guitar in his embrace reverberated with a clamoring noise. The boy winced and bowed his head in apology to the other club members that had been disturbed by the ruckus, glaring at him.
He saw movement out of the corner of his eyes and caught Noomnim bursting into big, fat tears. Tine's face paled visibly, his hands fluttered around her slender frame for an indecisive moment before he finally clutched her into a hug, cradling her to his wide chest. Sarawat frowned, a feeling of dread engulfing him slowly. His heart was thumping crazily inside the enclosure of his ribcage at seeing such an open display of affections from the couple downstairs. Fuck. So they were getting back together?
Sarawat blinked rapidly, his long lashes fluttered, battling the sting of angry tears away. How many fucking times was he going to see this happen? Yet another girl clutched in Tine's arms. It was as if he was accepting any female that confessed to him. Did Tine not have any sense of self preservation?
Sarawat wanted to rip that girl away from Tine. He wanted to yell at Tine. He wanted to get away from this sweet prison that he had created for himself. Shit. He was going to snap one of these days.
Sarawat fisted his hands, knuckles going white from the tension. It was time to let go of Tine. Those bastards at the agency too, they were raging up a shit storm and he had no clue when it would blow over, if at all. He did not want to involve Tine in any of it since it was Sarawat's fault. It was all because of his preferences. He thought that he could have at least one precious thing in his life but it seemed like both were rapidly slipping through his fingers.
FORWARD>>>
Sarawat stared at the dazzling skyline of Bangkok, leaning his tall frame heavily over the balcony railing with his head hanging low and dark hair covering the hooded, sad eyes.
Would he ever learn that it was impossible to have both music and Tine in his life? Sarawat should at least free the one thing he loved the most.
Note:
That eyeballing. GIFs are life.