~Adinas' POV~
I woke up today making a promise to myself that I'm not going to cry, I got out of bed letting my thoughts take over, Tig started bringing his things over yesterday. He actually stayed over last night so he could help me with the kids, who I knew I needed to check on. I laid out Vis' dress and shoes helping her get ready, I put her into a long sleeve black knee length dress, with a pair of black short heeled shoes. She's been having a really hard time understanding that Chibs is never coming home, the night we got back she was confused. She keeps waiting for Chibs to come up the driveway on his bike, only I know he's not and after today hopefully she'll know. When I was done with her I sent her downstairs to watch some t.v. while I went into Fins room seeing Tig already there getting him dressed into his little dress suit. He was on his changing table wearing a white long sleeved onesie with a black bow tie, on his legs were a pair of black pants. He looked so cute, it saddens me that he doesn't really know what's going on, he has no idea that his dad's gone.
I looked at Tig giving him a small smile.
"Thank you."
He gave me a confused look.
"Why are you thanking me?"
"For being here, for helping me, it means a lot."
"I told you I'm always here for you."
I smiled nodding my head.
"Well thank you anyways, I'm going to go get ready, Vi's downstairs watching a movie if you want to take Fin and sit with her."
He nodded his head.
"Alright, I'll see you downstairs when you're ready."
I nodded my head watching him leave the room with my little boy and for the first time since all of this started I found myself feeling happy. I found myself smiling, at the same time though I felt bad for feeling happy, I felt bad for smiling. I sighed, shaking my head going to my bedroom pulling out my clothes for the day, I set everything on the bed before going to start on my hair and make-up. I put my hair up into a tight semi-twisted bun before starting my make-up, I did a thin layer of black eyeliner and mascara with a black and dark blue smokey eye-shadow. I finished with my usual dark red almost burgundy matte lipstick, I put on my black jeweled tight neck necklace and a pair of matching black earrings. When I was finished I went to my bed pulling on my tight V-line dress that was mid-sleeved and stopped a little past my knees, slipping into my black pumps. I sighed looking at my nails, however instead I ended up staring at my wedding ring feeling my eyes tear up. I looked up at the ceiling shaking my head willing myself not to cry, today I need to be strong for my kids.
I sighed looking down before going downstairs to see my little ones sitting in the living room and Tig in the kitchen. I went to him, and he looked at me with a bright smile, and eyes that had love hiding in them. I shook my head ignoring it before looking into the living room, seeing my kids sitting on the couch.
"We should get going, we have the wake, before the party, after that we have the burial, it'll be a long day and I have two kids to worry about. I have to get the diaper bag ready for Fin, pack plenty of snacks for Fin, plus get them in the car."
He nodded his head.
"I put the diaper bag in the living room, I can get the snacks if you want to start putting them in the car."
"Okay, um will you please get Fins' snacks and put them in the bag, they're in the cupboard above the fridge, I'll be in the garage if you're having a hard time finding anything."
"Alright, go get the kids in the car."
I nodded my head going to the living room.
"Alright guys, let's get in the car, we have to be at the club in ten."
Vi nodded her head and I went over grabbing Fin, I walked them out to the car Vi got herself buckled in while I got Fin into his seat. When they were all set I left Fins door open before going to the door leading into the house yelling for Tig.
"Tig, we have to go!"
"Alright!"
I heard rushed footsteps coming towards the door and smiled shaking my head as he handed me the bag.
"Thank you."
"No problem, lets go."
I nodded my head as he ran to his bike, I pulled out of the driveway closing the garage with Tig following me. We pulled into the club lot I pulled into my usual space before getting out of the car, Vi got out of her seat grabbing the very heavy diaper bag while I got Fin out. When I turned Tig was taking the diaper bag from Vi walking her into the club, I carried Fin inside seeing her going towards the open casket. I had Gemma take Fin while I ran over grabbing her before she could see anything, she looked at me like I was crazy.
"Ma I know Da's in the box, I wan' te see him."
I sighed with tears coming to my eyes.
"Are you sure? You don't have to if you don't want to."
"Aye, I wan' te do this."
I looked over at Tig who came over placing his hand on my back as we moved towards the casket. I looked down into the box seeing my husband laying there and all I wanted was for him to sit up and hold me. I just want him back, I just want my husband, and the father of my children back, Vi looked at me with tears in her eyes.
"Ma?"
"Yeah baby?"
"Da's really gone, isn' he? He's no' comin back? I'll never hear his accent again, I'll never see him smile again? Fin's goin te grow up without a Da? We don' have a Da anymore do we?"
I looked up at the ceiling feeling the tears slid down my face as I nodded my head.
"Listen my flower from the sky, you're right you're dad's gone, I no longer have a husband, you and Fin have lost your dad. However I promise that you're not going to lose me for a very long time, so while your dad is in heaven you'll have me, and you'll have Tig, and the rest of your uncles. You need to know though just because you can't see him, doesn't mean he's not there, it doesn't mean he's not going to protect you, or look after you. You can always talk to him, and if you ever want to see him I'll take you to see him and if you need to be alone with him then I will give you your space. We're both going to have a hard time with this, we're both going to feel lonely and need each other, however Tig is going to be staying with us for a while. He's going to help take care of us, he's here to listen to you when you need to talk, and he's here to help me deal with this as well. We all love you Vi, and you will never be alone, no matter how lonely you feel you will never be alone."
She looked at me with tears in her eyes, as she wrapped her little arms around my neck hugging me close. I held her tighter to my chest feeling her sob into my shoulder as I backed away from the casket shielding her from the nightmares. I took her to the bar getting her orange juice, Tig brought her a couple strawberries for a snack, I sighed looking at Tig. I went over to Gemma talking to her for a couple minutes asking her to watch Vi and Fin for me, I just need a minute. I need to be able to cry without having my kids see me break, she told me she understood and to take as long as I need. I thanked her before going over kissing Vi telling her I'd be right back before going down to the dorms however when I got to the room I just froze. I stood there staring at the nameplate, staring at his name and mine right next to each other. As I stood there I felt like I couldn't breath, hell I didn't even hear someone coming up behind me, or feel that person take my hand until I was pulled the rest of the way down the hall. I heard a door open and I instantly knew where I was, I turned looking at Tig shaking my head.
"Why am I here Tig?"
"You think I didn't notice you just standing in the hall staring at that plate?"
"I hate how well you know me."
He came over moving a piece of hair that fell into my face behind my ear.
"I know just about everything there is to know about you Dina, I knew you weren't going to be able to go into that dorm room. Just like I know that you were trying to protect Starr from what was in that casket, you're protecting your kid, no one blames you for that."
"I do, I'm the one who blames myself for that, I just walked her back to that casket adding an extra nail to that coffin that says 'You're without a parent'. I'm a terrible mom, I just ruined my daughters childhood, I don't know if she's ever going to be okay again."
"Dina calm down, she's going to be fine, that nail needed to be put into that coffin, she needed to understand that he isn't coming home. She needed to understand that he's gone, that he's dead, that life is going to be hard and sad without him but you're strong. You're going to do everything in your power to save her from feeling this pain again, you're an amazing mom and she loves you. Right now you need me, and she needs you, that's it, so if you need a minute you have me, if she needs to cry she has you. That is all you guys need, you need each other, and you need me, and I plan on sticking to that, I will be here for you, I will be here for those kids. You are my family, those kids are my family, you and I have this, we're going to survive this no matter what?"
I sighed nodding my head as he took my face in his hands, placing a kiss on my forehead before leaning his forehead against mine.
"Tig, it's my husband's funeral, I can't, I can't do this with you right now."
He sighed, pulling away from me nodding his head.
"Alright, I'm going to go check on Vi, when you're ready come on out, however you should know that we have to leave for the cemetery in like twenty minutes alright?"
"Okay, thank you."
He nodded his head walking out of the room, I sighed going down the hall to Chibs and Is' room, I looked around the room remembering the look on Chibs face when he first saw it. He was so happy and so surprised, he loved being able to see me work my magic with such a small space. I sighed looking at my watch knowing I have to go, I know my kids need me, and knowing I need to bury my husband. I looked down at my ring before going to the bathroom fixing my make-up, when I was done I went to the main room. I went over to Tig, and he gave me a small smile and I looked over seeing Vi clinging to Gemma holding her tight.
"Can you ask them to hold on for just a couple more minutes? He always hated seeing me like this, and I want to ride my bike. It along with my helmet were the first things he ever gave me, I should be riding with you guys, will you talk to Gemma about driving the kids?"
"Yeah I'll hold everything, and I'll talk to her, do what you need to do."
I nodded my head going back to my dorm, I quickly went through my closet pulling out what I needed. I took my hair out of it's bun just tying the front half back in a loose bun leaving the rest down, I then changed out of my dress. I slipped into a pair of dark wash jeans with a middle finger skull ripped up tank top that had cut off sleeves.
I stepped back into my black high heeled pumps, pulling on my jacket and walking into the main room. I sighed as everyone turned to me, I looked down shaking my head as Vi ran over hugging my legs.
"Now this is the Ma, Da loved te see."
I smiled looking back around the room before looking at Gemma.
"You okay to take my little ones in the car?"
"Yeah, I have them."
I nodded my head getting down to look at Vi.
"Are you okay to go with Gemma or do you want to ride with me?"
"Can I ride with ye?"
"Of course."
I looked at Gemma.
"You good with just taking Fin."
"Take your daughter."
"Alright, let's get this over with."
I took Vis' hand and we walked out of the club, I put Vis' helmet on before strapping mine in place. I sighed getting on the bike as Tig put Vi on the back, I had her wrap her arms around me holding onto my belt loops. As the hearse holding my husband pulled out of the lot so did I following right behind as Unser led the way with sirens blaring. As we rode through the cemetery, me memorizing each twist and turn, I could feel Vi hugging me tighter. I took my one semi-free hand placing it over hers letting her know that she's not alone, she's not the only one hurting. When the hearse stopped and we did the same, removing our helmets, I helped Vi with hers as Tig, Jax, Juice, and Paddy carried him to the grave. As the service started I held Fin in my arms while holding onto Vis' hand, Tig stood behind me and Vi with his hand on my back, and his other on her shoulder. I felt tears fill my eyes as I watched them lower my husband into the ground, I looked down at Vi seeing her begin to sink to the ground. I sat down pulling her into my lap while Tig took Fin from me, I held my little girl on the ground feeling her sob against me. I placed a kiss on her head softly rocking her back and forth, as her grip tightened on me and I felt tears slowly slide down my face. I know that the guys and maybe even his family are viewing me as cold and unfeeling, however they don't know, they don't know how hard this has hit me. When everything was said and done I turned, looking at Tig telling him to take Fin to Gemma, and I'd be there as soon as Vi was ready. He nodded his head and I felt Vi let go of me, and watched as she turned looking at the hole where her father will always be.
"I should've asked him te stay, I should've begged, screamed, cried, I let my Da go and now he's gone forever. All I wan' is fur him te hug me, fur him te hold me and never let go, I miss him, I just wan' him back Ma."
"I know baby, so do I, you have no idea how badly I want him to hold me, tell me he loves me, call me lass. You're not alone in what you're feeling Violet, you never will be, just know you have a lot of people in your corner, a lot of shoulders to cry on."
"Thank ye Ma."
I nodded my head looking over seeing everyone gone except for Tig.
"Are you ready to go? We need to go back to the club, you're going to stay the night with Kerri."
She nodded her head.
"Alright Ma, I love ye."
"I love you too."
I stood up taking her with me, we walked to my bike and I helped her with her helmet before putting mine on. I got on the bike and Tig put Vi behind me before getting on his, Vi grabbed my belt loops and I backed away from Tig taking off. I felt Vi tighten her grip on me and I wrapped my arm around her back holding her tight to me as I slowed down. I knew that she was scared, I knew that I had to take it easy, I sighed pulling over with Tig coming up behind me. I turned to Vi, and she had tears in her eyes, the only thing running through my mind is that I traumatized her, she's never going to want to ride with me again. Tig came over with worry in his eyes, I turned back to Vi keeping the bike steady between my legs.
"Vi, do you want to ride with Tig, or do you want to stay with me?"
"Can I ride with Tig this time? Ye're te upset Ma, I think ye need te ride without worryin abou' me."
I nodded my head looking at Tig.
"Are you okay with this Tig?"
"Yeah, I got her."
I put my stand down as he got her off my bike, I took her letting him get on before putting her behind him.
"Vi you hold onto his belt loops and if you get uncomfortable you wrap your arms around his waist and connect your fingers."
I showed her what to do with my hands and she nodded before looking at Tig.
"I trust ye Tig."
He gave her a smile before looking at me as I watched her grip his belt loops at his hips, I sighed shaking my head. I took her hands moving them to the front belt loops a little closer to his groin, I looked at him giving him an awkward smile before looking back at Vi.
"I know this is awkward for both of you, but this way you're closer to him and he can feel it if you're slipping. Trust me, you'll both thank me when you reach the club, and you're both as safe as you can possibly be."
Tig chuckled, shaking his head.
"Trust me this is fine..."
He turned to Vi smirking a bit.
"Your hands go any lower, I'll tell your mom you were inappropriate."
She giggled resting her head against his back.
"Thank ye fur makin me laugh, and I won' boys are icky."
I laughed kissing her on the cheek, giving Tig a hug whispering into his ear.
"Keep my girl safe."
I pulled away and he nodded his head as I went back to my bike, I restarted the engine speeding off. I got my bike up to the fastest it could go feeling free, feeling the adrenaline course through my body. I slowed down as I turned into the club lot pulling into my usual space seeing Chibs' bike still parked there. I shook my head going into the club, I went straight for Jax, he turned to me and I looked at the church room. He nodded his head following me into the room closing the door behind him, he looked at me with worry clear on his face.
"Is there somewhere we can keep Chibs' bike? It can't stay in the lot, and I want it to be saved so if Fin wants it someday he can have it."
He nodded his head.
"We have a storage facility, I'll have Sac take it tomorrow."
"Thank you."
"Yeah, no problem."
I sighed hearing a bike pull up outside, I went out with Gemma following, I smiled seeing Vi jump off the bike. Tig got off giving her a high five before giving me a small smile, I smiled back nodding my head. I lit a cigarette as Kerri came out holding Fin in her arms, she gave me a tight hug saying that she loved me and would see me tomorrow. I nodded my head kissing Fins' forehead before Vi gave me a hug getting into Kerris' car going to her place. Tig went inside while I sat on the picnic table smoking, trying to get myself to relax, Gemma lit herself one before sitting next to me.
"You know it's okay to love him."
I sighed, shaking my head.
"No offence Gemma, but we can't all be like you where our husband dies and a month later we're marrying his best friend and brother. I'm not like that, I need time to process that fact that I'm a widow, do I appreciate his help with the kids? Yes, do I owe him for everything he has done for us? Yes, but I'm not ready to jump into bed with someone who isn't my husband. Did Chibs and I have our problems? Hell yeah, we had a lot of them, were we on the best terms before he died? No, but that doesn't mean that I didn't love him, and that doesn't mean that I'm going to move on. So please Gemma do me a favor and stay out of this, I know he loves me, I know he's in love with me, and yes I love him. I'm not in love with him, not like I was Chibs, could I be someday yes, is that day today, no, so please let this go. Let things happen on their own, otherwise there's no hope for him and I in the future, in the long run me taking time will help us."
She sighed nodding her head.
"You're right, and you know what? I wish I would've waited after John died, but I had already fallen out of love with John and in love with Clay. I think that's what's happened to you, I think you fell out of love with Chibs a long time ago, but you wanted it to work. I can understand that, however I see it when you two are together, you love Tig, you've been in love with Tig for awhile. I also know that now that Chibs is gone, you feel bad, you feel like you didn't try hard enough, in my opinion while waiting is good, it's only going to make things harder."
I sighed as she got up going inside, I stayed there for a bit before going inside and sitting at the bar. Sac brought me a drink and I sat there nursing it until I couldn't take the croweaters crying over someone they barely knew. Until I couldn't take the guys being in a drunken stupor trying to get them into their beds, I stood up going outside to see Tig sitting on the picnic table smoking and drinking a beer.
"You alright Dina?"
"I'm actually going to head home, I can't sit in there and listen to the croweaters cry, and be obnoxious over him being gone. I can't sit in there and watch the guys get trashed off their asses, trying to get into their pants. I can't stay here and listen to the moans that they make while there fucking in a dorm room. I can't stay here and listen to this bullshit, I just buried my husband and the guys are acting like nothing has changed. Meanwhile Gemma is trying to get me laid, Gemma is trying to tell me that the reason his death is hitting so hard is because I feel guilty over something I had no control of. I love the guys, and I love Gemma, but this is one dysfunctional family I can't handle right now. I need to be alone, I need to lay in my bed and cry, and think about not how he and I were in the end but how we were when we first fell in love."
He nodded his head.
"Why do you feel guilty? What didn't you have control over?"
"It doesn't matter Tig, all that matters is that I was a horrible wife, and today I was a horrible mother. I honestly have no right to be this upset that he's gone, however I am upset, I am heart broken, because we never got back to being us before he died, we just fell. I let it happen, and now I have to live with it, so I'm going home, and I'm not moving until my kids get home."
"Okay, if you need anything call, I'll be there sometime tonight, because I don't want to hear the shit that's going on in that club either. I know you need space, and I know you need time, so go get your space, and get your time, I'll see you tomorrow."
I nodded my head going to my bike strapping my helmet, I started the engine backing out and heading home. When I got there I went upstairs removing my make-up, changing into one of Chibs old shirts and crawling into bed.
I laid there with the shirt pulled up to my nose as I took in his all to familiar scent that always brought comfort to me. However I know that I have two small pieces of him that will always be with me, our little ones, and I will always be thankful that he didn't leave me alone, I will always be thankful for them.