Sam was elated when Dean told him he was moving in with Cas. He cleared his schedule at work and began dividing up the furniture with Dean. He immediately let Dean have the TV. He never used it anyway, and Dean would miss it more than he would.
The rest wasn't so easy. Dean tried to argue his case for the couch, but Sam wouldn't allow it.
[Where would you put it? Cas has a couch. His place is too small for another}
Dean shrugged, unable to come up with an argument. {I get the blankets}
Sam scoffed. 'Whatever, take all the blankets you want. Let's just get this stuff in the van, okay?'
Other than the TV, Dean didn't have much else to take with him, so they only needed one trip in the van.
Cas was waiting outside his front door for them to arrive. Gracie was in his arms, in her new harness and leash.
'You walk the cat now?' Sam asked him.
'She was getting restless,' Cas said. 'I'm going to walk her around while you guys get everything in. She won't like all the activity.'
'Sure. We won't be long,' Sam smiled.
Cas place Gracie down and began walking, allowing her to go at her own pace and sniffing at whatever she wanted. He too had closed the bakery for the day, mostly to get Gracie out of the way. He took her past the bakery, and she purred as she recognised Cas's scent at the door. Eventually, Sam texted him to say they were finished, so they made their way back to the apartment.
The van was gone, and so was Sam, so Cas and Gracie returned to Dean alone in the apartment, arranging his things.
Cas took the harness off of Gracie and hung it up, then saw Dean dithering with a battered-looking frame in his hand.
'What's that?' Cas asked.
Dean hesitated, biting his lip, but turned it around to show Cas a picture of a smiling, blonde woman, holding a baby in one arm, and holding the hand of a small boy with the other hand. Cas moved towards him and thought he recognised the woman, then it occurred to him. 'Your mother?' he asked quietly.
Dean nodded, gently rubbing the frame with his thumb.
'Where do you want to put her?'
Dean looked uncertain, his eyes wide and vulnerable.
'Where does she usually go?'
Dean gestured towards the bedroom.
'Next to the bed? All right, let's put her there.' Cas smiled and Dean held the photo close to his chest as they went into the bedroom.
Dean gently placed the photo on his bedside table. He kissed his finger, then tapped it against the photo. {You don't mind?} he asked Cas.
'Of course not.'
Dean squeezed his hand. {I should get back to work} he said. {I love you} He kissed Cas on the cheek, then left the apartment, careful not to let Gracie outside. She had been trying to escape every time the door opened, since Cas had started walking her outside.
Cas was considering whether or not to open the bakery for the afternoon, when he got a text from Sam.
Meet me at the cafe on the other side of town. I need to talk to you.
He raised his eyebrows in surprise, but agreed to meet and made his way to the small cafe.
Sam was already there and had ordered a coffee for them both.
'What's wrong?' Cas asked as he sat down.
Sam avoided his gaze, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 'I just need to talk to you.'
'About what?'
Sam sighed. 'It's about Dean.'
'What about him? Is he all right?' Cas asked, gripping the edge of the table anxiously.
'Well...'
'Sam, tell me.'
Sam nodded. 'It's just... Usually around this time of year, Dean gets a little weird.. You know, around the anniversary...'
'What do you mean?'
'Hold on, let me start over. Every year, when it starts to get cold, and it reminds Dean of the day our mother died. He starts to get crabby and distant, then his nightmares get really bad. He'll usually take a trip back down to Lawrence to visit her grave, and he won't sleep for literally days.'
Cas stared.
'Now, normally I don't just go around telling people this stuff, but since he's moved in with you, I thought you should be prepared for it, so you know it's not your fault.'
Cas was silent for a minute, absorbing what Sam had said to him. 'Shouldn't Dean be telling me this?' he asked slowly.
'Yeah, well, that's another - I don't know what to call it - tradition, I suppose. Every year he tries to convince himself that it's not happening. Every single year.'
'I see.' Cas took a sip of his coffee.
'Listen, I know he should talk to you about this himself, but he won't until after it's passed, and you guys are so great together, you really are,' Sam rambled. 'I don't want this to get between you. It's not his fault, obviously, but it's definitely not yours, and I don't want you to let it get to you.'
Cas held up a placating hand. 'It's all right, Sam. I wouldn't let something like that break us apart anyway.'
Sam nodded and leaned back in his chair, though his brow was still furrowed slightly. 'Good,' he said.
They sat quietly until Cas said, 'How's Jess?'
'Jess? She's fine, I think.'
'You think? Shouldn't you know?'
Sam rolled his eyes when he realised what Cas was getting at. 'Did Dean tell you she's my girlfriend? 'Cause she's not.'
Cas smirked slightly. 'I believe you,' he lied.
They finished their coffee and got up.
'Sam, wait,' Cas said as Sam began to walk away.
'What?'
Cas paused a moment. 'Was it really that bad, what happened to your Mom?'
Sam looked away. 'I saw the pictures once. Dad and Dean didn't want me to, but I dug through Dad's stuff while he was away once and I found them.' He looked back up at Cas. 'It was one of the most horrible things I've ever seen, and I don't even remember her. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for Dean. Being as close to her as he was, and seeing it in person... Yeah, it was awful.'
'Thank you for sharing that with me, Sam.'
Sam shrugged. 'Sometimes, for me, it's like it happened to another person. I was only a baby when it happened, so it's easy to brush it off, but not for Dean... Anyway, I have a client to prep. See you around, Cas.'
Cas let Sam go and wandered back to the apartment, having decided against opening the bakery that day. He found himself in their bedroom, staring at the picture of Sam and Dean's mother. He hesitated, but then grabbed his laptop and, knowing he shouldn't, Googled 'Mary Winchester'. It took him a few minutes, not being well versed in surfing the web, but he found an article headlined Mother of Two Dies in Terrible Blaze in the Lawrence Daily Journal. Cas rested his finger on the mousepad for a moment, then scrolled down.
Lawrence residents were shocked last Tuesday night, as they woke to the sirens and smoke. The home of the Winchester family had been put to the torch by deranged stalker, Frederic Lehne. Lehne, already known to the police department, snuck out to the family home in the dead of night, then set the house alight. There is no further information on Lehne's motives at this time.
The fire spread quickly through the house, leaving little time for the family to escape. John Winchester, father and husband, was the first out of the house, as reported by the fire department, and was detained by police, after attempting to re-enter the home.
Mary Winchester is so far the only fatality, pronounced dead at the scene with severe burns covering over eighty percent of her body.
Her children escaped the fire through the actions of her oldest son, Dean, now hailed a hero. His quick thinking allowed him to run from the house with the baby, and leave him on the lawn, however, firefighters were unable to prevent him from returning to the house, in an effort to save his mother as well. He was found unconscious inside the house, and remains in critical care.
Our thoughts and prayers are with the Winchester family, and we hope that Dean makes a speedy recovery.
'Oh, Dean,' Cas sighed, closing the laptop. He sat back in his seat, watching the fish for a while, deliberately ignoring the TV that was off centre and not plugged in. He knew that Dean would want to tinker with it himself.
Suddenly, the door opened and Cas jumped, falling out of his chair with a thump. He clambered back up, rubbing his head.
Dean laughed loudly, closing the door behind him.
'You scared me,' Cas grumbled. 'What are you doing back here already? I thought you were at work.'
Dean came over to him, grinning widely, and holding something behind his back.
'What is it?' Cas said.
Dean presented him with a pie. It was clearly homemade, slightly sunken in the middle, and uneven at the edges, but it smelled delicious.
Cas's eyes widened. 'Did you make this?'
Dean nodded enthusiastically, and put it down on the counter. {My favourite of your recipes. The first one I tried}
{The honey one?}
Dean nodded and grabbed a couple of forks out of the drawer, handing one to Cas. They both took a bite each.
'Wow. This is amazing, Dean,' Cas said, going for another bite.
Dean grinned and helped Cas eat more of the pie, until it was almost finished.
Cas wrapped the rest of it up and put it away while Dean set up the TV. It took up a lot of space, but Cas decided he didn't mind, if it made Dean happy.
Once it was ready, Dean sat down and gestured for Cas to join him.
{I need to tell you something} Dean signed, shifting in his seat until he was facing Cas.
{What is it?} Cas asked.
Dean looked around the room as if searching for the right words. {This time of year is always tough} he said. {It's almost the anniversary of my mom's death}
Cas raised his eyebrows, nodding, and Dean noticed.
{Sam already told you, didn't he?}
'A little.'
Dean rolled his eyes, but looked relieved at not having to explain himself. {My therapist said that it would be better if I told you, but he beat me to it}
{You're not mad at Sam?}
Dean shook his head. {I understand}
{I think therapy has been really good for you} Cas said.
{So do I} Dean shifted in his seat. {There's something else}
{What?}
{Will you come with me to visit her? My mom?}
'Really?'
Dean nodded, and Cas grabbed his hands.
'I'd be honoured,' he murmured. He leaned forward and kissed Dean on the cheek, then hugged him close. 'I'm so proud of you,' he whispered in Dean's ear.
Dean reached his arms around, hugging Cas back. {I'm proud of me} he smiled once he pulled away. He leaned back, with Cas snuggling into his shoulder while they watched a movie.
That night was the first night that Dean's struggles became evident. Cas awoke in the middle of the night to Dean thrashing around and whimpering in his sleep. Cas tried to wake him, and narrowly missed being hit in the face when Dean struck out. Dean rolled over, finally awake, but eyes wide and fearful. He reached out and touched Cas's face, breathing heavily.
'I'm fine,' Cas whispered. 'You missed.'
Dean shuffled closer, clutching at Cas.
'It's all right,' Cas whispered, rubbing his back. 'I've got you.'
And so it went on over the next few weeks. Occasionally, Dean would sleep in the spare room, just so Cas could get a good night's sleep, but most nights he slept in the bed with Cas, who comforted him whenever he woke up. He spent the minimum amount of time possible at work, and the rest helping Cas around the bakery, trying to take his mind off things.
There were deep shadows under his eyes they day they were leaving.
'Are you sure you're all right to drive?' Cas asked.
Dean nodded, folding up a pair of jeans. He hadn't said much recently, so Cas left him to his thoughts and dragged his bag to the car.
Alfie was again taking care of the bakery for them while they were away, so Cas waited patiently in the car for Dean to lock up and get in beside him. He'd brought plenty of reading material with him, so was content to allow Dean to drive in silence. He wasn't even sure if Dean had slept at all in the last few days, falling asleep well before Dean ever came to bed.
The trip was mostly the same as it had been on the way back from Sioux Falls, sleeping in motels most nights, and spending hours on endless stretches of road. Cas had no idea where he was a lot of the time, but trusted that Dean did. He read his books, and wrote down his ideas when they came to him. In all the time they drove, Dean barely communicated, signing something every so often, but never carrying a conversation.
It was difficult, but Cas could tell that Dean appreciated being allowed space.
It was already dark when they arrived in Lawrence, so Dean took them to yet another motel, where he sat up at the table, staring out of the window. When Cas woke up the next morning, he was still there, staring. When he wouldn't eat breakfast, Cas began to worry. Dean never refused food unless something was seriously wrong. He placed a hand over Dean's. Dean flinched away, but then grimaced and put his hand back, squeezing hard. {I have to go somewhere. I'll be back}
Cas smiled encouragingly, but Dean did not return it. He got up and left, so Cas waited, reading some more until he heard Dean sounding the horn of the car outside. He locked their motel door behind him and went out to the car.
Dean was in the drivers' side, a small bunch of purple irises in his lap. {Her favourite} he explained once Cas got in.
Cas said nothing, instead staring around at Dean's hometown as they drove around it. Eventually, the houses became more sparse, and Dean rolled the car around a corner.
The first thing Cas saw was not the open field, grass blowing peacefully in the wind, nor the large tree providing soft shade, but the blackened, skeletal remains of a big house, the beams clawing at the sky. Cas couldn't help but gasp as he saw it, and regretted it when he felt Dean flinch beside him. He didn't need to ask what it was.
'It was never repaired?' he murmured.
Dean shook his head. He stopped the car to look at it, gaze sliding over every inch of the ruined building. Whatever memories he held of the place stirred behind his eyes.
Cas sat still, unsure of whether or not Dean wanted space. He was almost relieved when Dean took his hand and held it to his chest. Dean still didn't look at him, but whatever pain he was feeling was being taken out on Cas's hand.
They sat there for a long time, until Dean remembered the flowers in his lap and started the car back up. He drove them slowly away from the house, watching it through the rearview mirror until it had fallen beyond the horizon.
Soon, they came to a small, quiet graveyard. Dean parked the car and got out, Cas following behind.
There weren't many graves, and Dean respectfully picked his way through them, flowers in hand. Towards the back of the graveyard was a plain headstone that simply read Mary Winchester - In Loving Memory.
Cas hung back while Dean approached it. He knelt down and carefully placed the flowers at the foot of the stone and remained still for a while. Cas folded his arms, trying to ignore the cold, and focus on Dean, but he was soon shivering and forcing back his own, quickly resurfacing memories. Still, he said nothing, and waited. He didn't know how long for, but he was more than willing to wait for however long it took. He was surprised, however, when Dean looked around and gestured him over.
He hesitantly stepped over to Dean and knelt beside him. After a moment, Dean raised his hands. {Every year, I hope I can say something to her} he signed sadly.
{I don't think she needs you to say something} Cas told him. {This would be enough for her, I'm sure}
Despite everything, a brief smile flashed across Dean's face. {You always know what to say}
Cas brushed Dean's knee.
{I think she would have liked you} Dean said. {She always said angels watched over me}
{I'm not an angel}
{You're named for one. Good enough} Dean rose to his feet, patted the headstone as he did so, and turned away, taking Cas with him. {What's your favourite flower?} He asked once they were back at the car.
'Mine?' Cas said in surprise. 'I like sunflowers.'
{Good choice} Dean leaned against the car, staring at the sky.
'Dean?'
Dean shook his head, tears filling his eyes.
'Dean.' Cas wrapped his arms around Dean, who buried his head in Cas's shoulder, sobs wracking his body.
{I'm sorry} he said, once he had composed himself. {You're cold}
Cas waved away his apology. 'Let's just get back to the motel.'
Once there, Dean lay down on the bed.
'Tired?' Cas asked.
Dean nodded.
'I'll go get something to eat for when you wake up.'
{No}
{What?}
{Stay with me}
{Of course} Cas took off his shoes and climbed on the bed next to Dean. Dean let out a relieved sigh and slung and arm across Cas's chest, pulling himself closer. He was asleep almost instantly, and though he was disturbed by nightmares once or twice, it was the most peaceful sleep he'd had in weeks.