Returning to school after the weekend merely reminds me that there is still another full month until summer break, which puts a damper on my mood. Still, it makes me feel better to know that eventually summer will come, leading to many more adventures like the one I had with Noah, Mia, and Thorne over the weekend, which is something to look forward to.
My phone vibrates with a text from Noah as I'm walking toward the school building, and I read it to find that he's explained he will be a little late to school today. I reply to tell him I don't mind, entering the school and heading for my locker.
As I'm walking down the hallway, I notice that the space around me seems unusually quiet. I look around curiously at the handfuls of students scattered around me, noticing a few people already looking my way. My eyebrows furrow at the realization, as I've never been the kind of girl to stand out before.
I make eye contact with some gazes that remain fixated on me, finding their eyes to immediately drop and focus on something else. I find this odd, but conversation around me seems to pick up once again, so I merely shrug the strange encounter off and walk the rest of the way to my locker.
I'm unable to shake the feeling that I'm being watched as I'm putting away my books. I inhale a deep breath and tell myself I'm only imagining things and to keep calm.
Closing my locker, I turn to find a concerned and upset appearing Jess making her way over to me. I remain standing by my locker as I watch her approach, noticing the frown she wears and her frazzled expression.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jess whispers once she's by my side, after staring at me in silence for a brief moment. Her voice cracks, increasing my worry.
Her question confuses me, and I'm left feeling utterly lost. It doesn't help matters that it feels as if every student to enter the hallway seems to be glancing my way without bothering to hide the fact that they're staring. Across the hall by the other set of lockers, two underclass girls pointedly look my way before turning to each other to whisper intently.
I'm starting to feel like something is happening. Something that seems to concern me.
Returning my attention to Jess, I feel abnormally uptight. My heart pounds furiously as panic rises in my chest. I know the feeling all too well. A panic attack seems to be forming, and I know that if I don't manage to calm myself down that the feeling will spread until I can no longer control it. I've had experience with panic attacks all my life, but I've never had drastic problems with them until recently. Not until after everything that happened with Mason.
"Why didn't I tell you what?" I ask. I try to suck in a deep breath, but it feels like there is no air getting to my lungs. I have to remind myself that I am in control of my body and emotions, not the other way around. However, as my best friend looks at me as if she doesn't recognize me, I begin to feel like maybe I don't have anything under control at all.
Jess frowns at me before glancing over her shoulder. Maybe she notices the amount of people that are now staring at the two of us. Maybe she hears the buzz of whispers that seem to be pointed in my direction. Or maybe she doesn't see any of this, because there is a very good chance I am making all of it up in my worry-enhanced state.
Returning her attention to me, Jess keeps her voice low as she whispers, "About Mason, Blake. Why didn't you tell me what happened at the party?"
My heart stops ramming against my rib cage and stills for a beat. All of the panic that had been rising in my chest fades to nothing. For a moment, I feel numb.
Then the moment passes and those old feelings of terror along with new feelings of confusion and panic return, consuming me. My palms sweat. The eyes of my peers bore into me like lasers. Every whisper being uttered around me taunts my ears, words I can't hear somehow managing to mess with my head.
"How do you know about that?" I choke out the words, feeling as if I'm talking through a mouthful of cotton. My hands shake at my sides, my eyes wide as they meet Jess's. "Who told you?"
"Does it matter?" Jess counters, sounding almost sad. "You didn't tell me. Besides, B, this is a small town. Word travels fast. I heard the rumors at the same time everyone else did."
"Everyone knows?" I question, shaking my head. There's no way everyone I go to school with could have heard about what happened with Mason at the party. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen . . . I didn't want one of the worst moments of my life to turn into gossip, a story shared between people who assume they know a truth that has yet to be told.
"I mean, a lot of people do," Jess mumbles. "I'm more worried about you, Blake. Is it true? Did Mason really . . ." Jess trails off, wincing and not daring to finish her sentence. "Are you okay, Blake? Honestly?"
I can't answer Jess's question. At least, not right now. Because honestly I don't know if I'm okay. I thought I would be okay the night everything went down at that dreadful party, when I had Noah to lean on. I'd thought I'd be okay when I trusted my sister with my story and when I told my parents what had happened. I thought I'd be okay after I filed a report at the police station. I had thought This is it. It's over now. I'm going to be okay.
But if I'm being honest, then I'd have to admit that I don't know when the last time I felt truly okay was. I've spent all of this time telling myself that I'm going to be okay that I haven't been focusing on how I feel in the present. And, deep down, I'm not okay.
It's not okay that I wake up in the middle of the night feeling Mason's hands on my body in places I don't want him to touch me. It's not okay that I've been experiencing so many panic attacks lately I've become accustomed to the feeling. It's not okay that I've begun to rely on Noah to take away my feelings of fear and pain—it's not okay that I've become so dependent on him to make me feel okay. And I'm definitely not okay right now, listening to my best friend break the news to me that the reason all of my peers are staring at me is because they've been hearing rumors about me; twisted, made-up versions of the truth that they feel the need to whisper about.
"What are people saying?" I ask Jess, having to force the words out. I feel like I'm drowning in my own emotions, like I'm sinking beneath everything I'm feeling and it's making me forget how to breathe.
Jess's expression is closed off and concerned. Her eyes soften with pity as she gazes at me. I don't like the look she is giving me. She is my best friend and we are supposed to tell each other everything, but the look she is giving me now suggests otherwise. I can see it in her eyes that deep down my best friend is upset with me for keeping something so big from her.
"Blake—" Jess starts to say, shaking her head slowly.
"What are they saying?" I repeat, louder this time. I don't like how I sound in this moment, don't like the person I have turned into in this moment. I am the girl who is known for being calm and reliable. I am the girl who always appears happy because I have mastered the art of the fake smile. I hide my pain so well it becomes invisible to those who can't feel it. I am the girl who is supposed to know how to keep everything under control.
However, I don't feel in control at all right now, and I know that it's showing. I know a fake smile can't hide what I'm feeling. I wouldn't know how to pretend I'm not upset even if I tried.
"People are talking about the police report filed against Mason," Jess mumbles, looking down at the ground as she talks. "I guess Mason got scared when the news about that got out, because he started telling people you're lying. He's saying you made the whole thing up. His parents got involved. This all happened over the weekend, and I couldn't reach you and I didn't know what to do."
I can't believe what I'm hearing. Mason is telling people that I'm lying. He's trying to fight the truth about what happened that night at the party. And Mason is a Chase. His family comes from a long line of town founders—a long line of people with influence. People are going to believe him. I'm going to become the girl who cried wolf. My truth will be diminished to a rumor.
After everything he's put me through, you'd think Mason would finally come to the conclusion that enough is enough. Yet the vicious cycle continues, leaving me feeling pointless. What is the point in fighting a battle you know you'll never win? I'll go down all the same.
"Hey." Jess sets her hands on my shoulders and forces me to look into her eyes. "I believe you, Blake. To hell with whatever shit Mason tries to pull. As long as you're fighting, I'm going to be fighting right next to you, okay? Nobody messes with my best friend the way he has and gets away with it. He's going to get what he has coming. Okay?"
I nod weakly, unable to handle this anymore. The panic, the fear, the sadness. The eyes, the whispers, the rumors. Mason, the lies, the pain. I need all of it to stop. I just need everything to stop.
Tears well in my eyes as I bite down on my bottom lip, trying to bottle the oncoming waves of emotion rolling through me. I've always been a fake it until you make it kind of person. But there comes a time when you're so far from feeling okay that you can't even remember what being okay feels like anymore. How can you fake something you don't understand?
My gaze shifts past Jess and unintentionally lands on a presence behind her. As my eyes fall on him, I feel every single remnant of the pain he's caused me; I feel the dread and torture he continues to inflict.
Over the past few years, I've been through a lot with Mason Chase. It's painful to realize that the ride still isn't over, and that it won't be as long as he is behind the wheel.
It's as if Mason can feel my stare. He turns away from the group he stands with—boys and girls who have heard the rumors swirling around about him and still choose to stand by his side—his eyes connecting with mine. I glance into Mason's hazel irises, conjuring memories of times I've looked into them in the past. I think back to all of the times I stared into his eyes and laughed and smiled, how safe I felt in his arms when I believed he loved me. I think about the times I've stared into Mason's eyes as my own filled with tears, wondering how someone who was supposed to love me could hurt me so many times. I recall the time I looked into his eyes as he roughly pinned me against a wall and touched me in places he had no consent to touch. And now, I stare into his eyes as his cold gaze stares right back at me.
Once upon a time, I looked into Mason's eyes and saw my whole world; everything I wanted in my future. Now, I look into his eyes and I don't see anything at all.
As if just having to look at him right now isn't enough, Mason's lips curl into a knowing smile as he gazes at me. He winks as he does so, eyes remaining fixated on mine.
My breaths shorten. My heart pounds mercilessly. My palms sweat and my hands shake at my sides. My knees weaken, threatening to give out on me. Yet I still can't look away; I can't stop myself from allowing him to hurt me. It's as if I'm afraid that if I don't feel pain, I won't feel anything at all.
With this in mind, I suddenly feel light-headed. I don't even have the strength to release a cry as I feel my legs give out beneath me, and then I am falling toward the ground. I don't think as I fall, my eyelids becoming too heavy to keep open. As my eyes close, the image of Mason's gaze holding mine lingers in my mind before fading to black.
And, just as I feared, I feel nothing at all.
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a/n: this was a hard chapter to write and i may have cried a wee bit