Yongsun woke up with the alarm blaring on Wheein's beside table. Not realizing where she was, she groaned loudly and pulled the covers over her head.
"Mom, five more minutes!" She whined. Wheein, who was sitting on her bed stretching, having just woken up, chuckled.
"I'm not your mom, but I guess I can let you sleep five more minutes before we go." She replied. It was 6:55am, which gave them roughly half an hour to get ready for the day before their 7:30 breakfast, thirty minutes earlier than everyone else.
Yongsun was grateful the hospital was giving her such luxuries, but she knew it wouldn't last long. Soon they would start to make her get out of her comfort zone and force herself to do things. But she knew she wasn't here on vacation, it was going to be hard.
Yongsun realized where she was as soon as Wheein's voice reached her ears. Her face turned red before she even opened her eyes to look at the small brunette.
"I-I'm sorry." Yongsun said quietly. "I was a bit disoriented... I'm so sorry." She apologized once again. Wheein furrowed her brows.
"What are you apologizing for? It's okay, it's normal!" Wheein assured. Yongsun nodded and sat on the bed with her feet on the floor, yawning.
"Did you sleep okay?" Wheein asked.
"Yes. The matress is really comfortable." Yongsun replied, bouncing slightly on the bed to prove her point. Wheein smiled softly at that. Yongsun was shy and didn't talk much, but anyone could tell she was a big dork. She found it amusing.
It was just like Hyejin! When she got here, everyone was scared of her because she looked terrifying, never smiling and glaring at everyone. But once Wheein started talking to her more, she realized the girl had a soft heart, and that all of the pain she had felt in the past caused her to build walls around everyone. Wheein was still trying to tear those gigantic walls down, but she would get there.
Wheein noticed she had been lost in thought when Yongsun called her name for the second time.
"Sorry, I spaced out." She chuckled, standing up. "I'm going to get dressed in the bathroom, so feel free to get dressed as well!" She said cheerfully, like she always spoke.
Yongsun wondered once again what was Wheein really doing there. She understood that not everyone who was in there was like Byulyi or Hyejin, but it really didn't seem like Wheein had any problems! Yongsun also knew it would be pretty insensitive and impolite to ask, so she figured she would find out one day.
Yong headed to her dresser, taking a look at the clothes she had brought, and realizing she had no idea what was appropriate to wear. She thought back to everyone she had seen the previous day. What were they wearing? Wheein was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, while Hyejin wore skinny jeans and a t-shirt. Byulyi wore large black pants with an oversized sweatshirt... She got nothing, everyone wore different things. Different was bad, different meant standing out, standing out meant judging. She didn't want to be judged. Everyone's eyes on her like in the cafeteria the previous day. She couldn't. She wouldn't.
Wheein eventually got out of the bathroom dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. Noticing that Yongsun was still wearing her pajamas, and that she was gripping one of her dresser's drawers tightly, unmoving except for the slight trembling in her hands, she approached her carefully.
"Yong?" She called softly. When she saw Yongsun's face, her heart softened. The older girl had her eyes shut tight, and her nose was scrunched up, as if she was concentrating on something. It would have been an adorable sight, hadn't Wheein been so worried about her. "You okay there, buddy?" She asked, touching her arm gently.
Wheein should've known. She should've known not to touch her arm when she was like this. Yongsun pushed her away roughly, clearly not thinking about what she was doing. Wheein fell to the floor with a thud, the impact setting off something inside her which hadn't been out for years. Glimpses of the past played in her head. The blood. The screams. The body on the ground. The stab wound. Her own blood staining her shirt. The screams. Although she couldn't distinguish if the screams were her own or not anymore.
Seeing this, Yongsun snapped out of it. Wheein was on the floor, thrashing her arms around. Her eyes were shut forcefully and she was screaming. Loudly.
Not knowing what else to do, Yongsun tapped the nurse button before kneeling down before Wheein. She didn't know whether she should touch her or not, or if she should talk to her, in fear of making it worse. But she had to do something while Dahee didn't arrive. It seemed to her that Wheein was having some sort of episode related to some past trauma.
Yongsun decided to grab the girl's arms forcefully, but still gently enough so that she wouldn't be scared. Putting her arms around the small girl and hugging her tight to her body, Yongsun whispered.
"Wheein-ah. It's me. It's Yongsun. I'm here with you, no one else. Come back to me." She said calmly. At the sound of Yongsun's voice, Wheein's screams stopped, being replaced by small whimpers. Her eyes were still closed, and there was a river of tears spilling out of her eyes.
"Please don't hurt me..." Wheein's voice cracked as she sobbed. "Don't leave..."
Yongsun was nearly crying at the sight. Who could have hurt the small girl so much? Yongsun had only known her for less than a day, but she knew Wheein didn't deserve it.
Dahee had heard the screams from her office. Then she looked to see who had called.
"Wheein-ah?!" She exclaimed as she ran to Yongsun and Wheein's shared bedroom. Having a keycard, she quickly opened the door and saw Yongsun holding Wheein on the floor. The girl was still crying, but it seemed as if her episode was mostly over. Yongsun had been able to stop it before it escalated to a point where she had to be sedated. That had happened many times in the past.
Wheein was whimpering softly in Yongsun's hold, while the older girl was softly whispering in her ear, allowing her to calm down.
Dahee smiled at the girl's sacrifice. Putting her new friend's well-being above hers.
"Thank you Yongsun. How did you know what to do?" Dahee asked as she helped Wheein into bed, covering her with the sheets. Yongsun simply shrugged. "What happened?" Dahee asked her. "If you could tell me what triggered it, that would help her a lot."
Yongsun looked at her hands. It had been her fault. She was the one who pushed Wheein. Now Dahee would be pissed at her, and Wheein wouldn't want to be her friend.
"I..." She began. "I didn't know what I was supposed to wear." She said quietly. Dahee almost didn't understand what she was saying. There was a big pause before she started talking again, and although Dahee was confused, she waited patiently for the young girl to continue. "I was almost panicking. So Wheein was trying to help me but I didn't expect that she would touch me so I freaked out and then I pushed her and she fell." She explained quickly, as tears prickled her eyes. "I'm so sorry it wasn't on purpose, please don't be mad."
Yongsun was beginning to hyperventilate. Dahee put a hand on her shoulder before it escalated even further.
"Yongsun. Thank you for telling me. It's okay, don't worry. I'm proud that you talked to me. And it is not your fault, okay? You helped her a lot, believe me." Yongsun took a deep breath and nodded.
"But..." She started. "Will Wheein be mad at me?" Yongsun asked. This made Dahee sigh.
"No, sweetheart. She won't be mad. But maybe it's best if you give her some space for the next few days. She gets a little bit upset when this happens." She explained, and Yongsun understood. "As to what you should wear, most people wear what they feel most comfortable with. So just wear what you would use everyday. No one will care."
"B-But what if people make fun of me?" Yongsun asked, her vulnerability surfacing.
"No one will. This is a safe space, Yongsun." Dahee replied. "Hurry up and get ready, we have to be there early and Hyejin and Byulyi as well." Yongsun nodded and made her way to the dresser to pick out her clothes. "Come outside when you're done." Dahee said.
"What about Wheein?" Yongsun asked, her brows furrowed with concern.
"She'll be asleep for a while, I will bring her breakfast later. Come on, chop chop."
Yongsun ended up putting on her black jeans and a white sweater. She figured it would be simple enough to blend in.
She didn't expect Hyejin and Byulyi to be in front of her room with Dahee when she opened the door.
Oh no. Hyejin will be so pissed at you when she finds out what you did to Wheein. Way to go Yongsun, you just lost another friend.
Yongsun shook her head at the thoughts.
See? You're so fucking selfish you only thought about your side of the equation.
"Yongsun, you okay?" Hyejin asked. "Where's Wheein?"
Yongsun looked away, tears in her eyes threatening to spill. Seeing the small girl on the floor screaming had taken a toll on her.
"Wheein isn't feeling well, so she's sleeping a little bit longer." Dahee explained. Hyejin didn't seem to be any more calmer than she was, but she knew no one but Wheein could tell her what happened. Hospital policy.
"Let's go. I heard there's waffles today." Dahee said, moving in front of them. Yongsun took a look at Byulyi for the first time that day, noticing that her bandages had been removed, leaving the wounds on her knuckles exposed.
Has she... beaten someone up?
Yongsun couldn't help but to feel a little bit scared of the girl in front of her. Her whole aura was intimidating, from her cold stare, to the toned arms, and the straight posture.
She was wearing a t-shirt, which allowed Yongsun to check out her muscled arms. She noticed a series of different shaped scars up and down her arms.
Did she do these herself? She wondered Maybe it's why she's here...
"This isn't the zoo." A deep, husky, albeit feminine voice uttered. Yongsun looked up to Byulyi's face. Her eyes were staring coldly at her. "Stop staring at me."
Yongsun visibly flinched at the cold and unfriendly tone of voice.
I'm sorry. She wanted to say, but she was afraid she would make the situation worse, so she stuck to her usual nod. She was sure it was getting annoying by now.
Dahee was right! There were waffles for breakfast. Of course, Yongsun went for milk chocolate covered waffles. She remembered what her sister said whenever she ate milk chocolate.
"Milk chocolate is for adults whose taste buds haven't grown up yet."
Of course, this was just to spite her sister, who loved milk chocolate. Yongsun couldn't help but notice that Byulyi also got milk chocolate waffles.
Stop it, Yongsun. There were literally three toppings.
Hyejin ate breakfast better than she had eaten dinner the previous night. Of course she didn't have the waffles. It would be too much for her. Instead, Dahee put some oatmeal in front of her, nutritious and energy-full.
After breakfast, it was time for Yongsun's solo daily appointment. Yongsun was nervous. Very nervous. Her therapist for the last two years was in Seoul, which meant she would be meeting with someone new. Someone she didn't know. Someone she wasn't used to.
Dahee took her to one of the upper floors of the hospital, where all of the doctor's offices were. It didn't make a lot of sense to her, why the patients rooms were downstairs and the doctors upstairs.
The corridors on the upper floors resembled more like a hospital. Impeccably white walls, bright white lights. There were white plastic chairs in front of each office, presumably where patients waited for their appointments. She noticed some childish stickers here and there. Must've been their failed attempt at making it seem less scary for the children.
Dahee stopped in front of one of the last offices. Yongsun noticed they were kind of organized by type of illness, which sort of made sense.
Dahee knocked on the door, and a feminine voice shouted for them to come in from inside. The nurse opened the door for Yongsun to come in, and closed the door immediately behind her, after flashing her a reassuring smile which didn't really reassure her.
"Good morning, Miss Kim, I'm Dr. Jung. Please have a seat."
Yongsun was frozen at the door, taking in her surroundings. The office contrasted with the corridor on the other side of the door. Just like her room, it was cozy. There was a single window behind Dr. Jung's dark brown desk, covered by light blue curtains. The walls were also blue, only a dark, prussian shade. A bold color, one could say.
In front of the desk was a similar colored armchair, very comfortable looking. The doctor had hung a few paintings and diplomas along one of the walls, while the other one was covered by a large bookshelf. There were tiny little plants in every available corner.
"I won't bite, you can sit down." She insisted. Yongsun slowly made her way to the chair in front of her and took a seat, crossing her hands in her lap. She was so tense that her back didn't even touch the back of the chair.
"How was your integration?" The doctor asked, to which Yongsun shrugged. She hated therapists and their scrutiny, always writing things down, looking at her like a dissected frog. And Yongsun guessed right. As soon as she didn't give a verbal answer, the doctor picked her pen up and wrote something down on her chart.
"Okay." She said. "I know you're not comfortable with me yet, but I hope we can get on a talking level soon."
Yongsun hated her professionalism, as odd as that might sound. She wanted her to drop the formalities, drop the fancy language and just talk to her normally. Her old therapist did that, and that's why Yongsun loved him.
"May I call you Yongsun?" Dr. Jung asked. Yongsun nodded gratefully.
"Okay, so. You know how these first appointments go, right?" Yongsun nodded again.
Quick note:
I am not (yet, at least) a certified professional in this area, nor have I ever been in this situation, forgive me for any mistakes or false statements. If you are offended by anything I say, or if you think I've made a huge mistake, please comment to let me know so that I can change it in the best way possible! Thank you!
She found that the first appointments were rather awful mainly because she spent most of the time filling paperwork, which she found tedious. Nevertheless, it was better than having to talk.
She was lucky. Her chart was already half filled by her parents, of course. Insurance questions, medical history, HIPAA forms.
The only thing she had to do was to sign the therapist-patient service agreement, and to fill in the part that asked for her symptoms. Although the therapist already knew them.
Once the paperwork was all filled in, she handed it over to Dr. Jung, who took a look at her symptoms, and nodded.
"First things first." She said, putting the papers away in a folder. "I know this isn't your first time in therapy, correct?" She asked. Yongsun (surprise, surprise) nodded.
"Can you tell me how old you were when you first got help?" Dr. Jung asked. Yongsun opened her mouth. And then closed it. Her head hung low as she messed with the hem of her shirt. "I can wait, make yourself comfortable. You know my job isn't to judge you, it's quite the opposite, really."
Yongsun sighed and forced herself to look at the desk in front of her.
Better than looking at the ground. She thought.
"I... I was ten." She answered. Dr. Jung's lips slightly curved upwards in a smile.
"Okay. And did your parents convince you to go, or did you ask them?"
"My parents convinced me." She answered shortly.
"Why?"
"I had uh... panic attacks all the time and uh... I couldn't talk to people..."
"I see. Can you tell me why you couldn't talk to people?" The doctor asked with a reassuring tone.
"They're mean." Yongsun replied. "Always judging me."
The answers came out almost automatically. It was the fifth or sixth time that a therapist asked the same questions.
One hour was slow to come by, but eventually it did, and Dahee was knocking on the door to come get her.
"Do you have any final questions for today?" Dr. Jung asked.
"No, thank you." Yongsun replied, shaking her outstretched hand.
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
Yongsun bowed before leaving the room, meeting with Dahee.
"How did it go?" She asked brightly.
"Ok..." Yongsun replied. "How's Wheein?" She asked.
"Up and running. She just finished having breakfast. Come on, they're waiting for us in the group room."