It is almost unbearable. I now have to suffer under the feeling of being looked at more often than not, worse than ever. How do I make it stop? How do I get rid of this burning, ticklish, intense feeling?
I try to find relief in everything. Chewing on my pen. Fiddling with my shirt. Staring at the clock and watching the time go by painfully slow. Singing songs in my head, drawing things in my head, imagining all kinds of stories. But it doesn't work.
If this goes on, I won't graduate this year. I'll have to waste another twelve months on subjects I don't like instead of doing the things I like at university. I need to work harder...
It takes ages before the final bell rings and signals what I thought to be the end of my agony. But I was wrong. Before I can finish packing my bag, Hinata's face appears in my field of vision, his expression full of hope.
'Can I see your tablet now?' he asks cheerfully.
'I left it at home,' I lie, trying to avoid having to spend time with him.
'Oh, I was sure you'd have it with you, since you asked me if you had to use the paper... I mean, why would you ask if you don't have anything else to do it with?'
He saw right through me. I didn't think he would be a sharp person. Though he is ignoring all my attempts to get him to stay away. 'Alright. But only for a few minutes.'
He looks confused. 'What?'
'I'll show you. That's what you want, right?'
'So you do have it?' Hinata gasps. 'You lied to me!'
'You knew that already, didn't you? With your reasoning and all,' I scoff.
'I was just wondering. I didn't think you'd hide it from me,' he says with a soft pout.
I ignore the feeling of my heart falling, and instead focus on my annoyance. 'Do you want to see it or not?'
No answer follows, which I take as a yes. I can't believe myself. Once again I'm spending my free time with him voluntarily.
About a minute later, I find myself in the library with Hinata, just like before. Might as well make the most out of it while we're here. 'Give me your notes. I want to copy them while you check it out.'
'Huh? Oh, sure,' he answers, immediately reaching for his bag.
It's a bit of a weird trade. His cheap notebook for my also cheap, but in comparison way more valuable tablet. He looks so happy, though, so I guess it's fine. It's not like he'll keep it.
I grab my own notebook after receiving his. 'Do you know how to turn it on?'
'I've never seen one in real before, so...' he says, amazed. As if he's holding treasure instead of a shitty old piece of technology.
I push the power button and the screen lights up, showing the logo of the company that made it. At the same time, Hinata's eyes light up, once again excited.
'You can use this,' I tell him, pointing to the pen, 'to draw anything you like.'
Without wasting any time, he grabs it and starts working, while I begin writing down his notes in my own notebook. It doesn't take long before I get distracted again, though. 'How does it work?'
'Let me finish this and I'll show you, alright?' I sigh.
He nods, staying silent from then on, but still distracting me by closely looking at me copying. 'Do you want to go through my gallery while I do this?' I ask him in an attempt to make it stop.
'Can I?' Though he tries to hide the curiosity in his voice, it is clear he wants to see it.
'Sure.' With a few taps, my previous works show up on the screen. 'You can touch one to see it up close, but make sure not to touch it after that.'
The look on his face when he takes it back is adorable. Like a child when you give it a piece of candy.
I shake my head, trying to get the thoughts out, and go back to focusing on what will hopefully save me from failing this year.
The silence while he looks at my work makes me nervous. Normally, he's pretty loud and talkative. What's stopping him?
I quickly finish writing down the notes, which are even more messy than they were yesterday. 'Do you like it?' The anxiety shines through.
'You're lonely, aren't you?' The sadness in his voice surprises me, as well as how much it shows on his face. His brown eyes, which are normally shining as brightly as the sun itself, are now clouded with worry, and the almost constant laugh is nowhere to be found.
I freeze, unsure what to say or even think of this. The question doesn't seem to get through to me. It keeps repeating in my mind without any meaning to it.
'You must really dislike me, huh...' Hinata continues, finally showing me his smile. It looks apologetic. Pained. 'I'm sorry for bothering you.'
'What the fuck are you saying?' Seeing him like this makes me uncomfortable. It makes my chest tighten up. I hate it.
'I don't know why, but I felt so alone when I looked at your drawings. It was like I was thrown into something deep, something dark, something cold,' he tells me. 'I couldn't breathe.'
'What does that have to do with anything?' I am getting more confused with each passing second.
'When I looked at your drawings I couldn't breathe anymore. They're filled with loneliness, darkness, emptiness. You feel like that, yet you want to avoid me,' he answers softly, looking at the floor.
Once again, I am unable to say anything back. I look at my tablet, which is laying not too far away from me. Dark colours and rough lines fill the screen.
I'm not lonely, am I? I have never felt that way. In fact, I always despised people getting close in the open. Friendly laughter and loud talking annoyed me if it got too close to me.
Yet there has always been this gap that I can't fill no matter what I try. Could it be those pangs in my heart when I saw all those groups weren't irritation, but jealousy? Have I always been wrong? Do I want friends?
That can't be right. I've been fine on my own for so long. Why am I letting this small, energetic boy influence me so much? 'What does it matter to you?'
'I really wanted to become friends with you,' Hinata admits, none of the aforementioned energy present at the moment.
'Why? I really don't get it. I'm an easily annoyed, gloomy, angry asshole,' I argue. 'You have so many friends that fit you way better. There's no reason for us to be close in any way.'
'Do you really call that friends?' Suddenly, he raises his voice, which causes the librarian to glare at us.
Not comfortable with this setting anyways, I pack my bag again, hand Hinata his notebook, and then grab his arm, not thinking about it until it's too late.
I have no idea where we're going. This town is still mostly unknown to me. But it's alright. Anywhere is fine, as long as nobody will bother us.
After a few minutes, Hinata finally starts tugging at his arm. 'Where are we going?'
Softly, I let go of him. 'This will do.' We're in the outskirts of town, it seems. Nobody's around, and there's more grass and nature than there are buildings. 'Explain.'
'Are you mad at me?' His face shows that he is still restless.
'No. Just, continue where you left off, explain whatever you need to. You seemed to want someone to talk to.' It almost sounds kind. Warm. Concerned. It surprises us both.
Hinata stays silent for a few seconds, collecting his thoughts. 'As you might've noticed, I'm an outgoing person. Because of this, I have become a bit of a popular kid, I guess?' he chuckles softly, though it is more of a sad one than anything else. 'So people now think it is cool to be friends with me or something. Like they can't be popular if they aren't my friend. I don't really get it.'
'How do you know that?'
'I have seen real friendships. It's where people can be comfortable, where they can be themselves, laugh at everything without having to worry about their words. I always have to watch myself when I'm around people.' He looks at the ground again, clearly not used to talking about it. 'Which is why I was so surprised when I met you. You don't seem to care about any of it. I felt comfortable around you. But I guess I was the only one.'
Is he trying to guilt-trip me? Because I wanted to avoid him today?
Just as I want to start yelling at him, I catch a glimpse of the look on his face. It looks honest, naive, embarrassed, pained. Not like someone who wants to manipulate me.
'You're a dumbass.' Though the words are harsh, my tone is not. 'I never thought you would be so insecure. Why are you worrying so much about opinions of a few shitheads? I mean, it's not as bad as you think, not having any friends.'
'Are you really not feeling lonely?' he asks in return.
There it is again. The stupid question that makes me doubt myself and my past. 'I have never felt lonely, nor have I felt the need to have anyone around me. But I guess I'd be okay with us being friends from now on...'
I immediately want to hit myself for saying something so stupid. Way to ruin everything you promised to yourself and Fortuna. But I can't take it back, nor can I regret it.
He finally looks at me again, his eyes glistening, his face slightly red. 'Really? Can I be with you?'
It sounds wrong. We're discussing a mere friendship here, yet I can feel my heart trying to skip a beat. But seeing him getting so excited and happy again makes me forget about my limits, about my promises, about everything I am not supposed to do.
'Idiot.' I roughly ruffle my hand through his hair. 'Don't worry about it too much. And don't you dare put on any fake shit for me.'
'Yes!' Hinata shows me the most genuine smile yet. And it is beautiful. No matter how hard I try to deny it, my whole body can feel it. I have to take a deep breath to stop the blood from rushing to my face, I have to suppress all my thoughts, but I can't lock away the warmth spreading through every atom of my being.
This boy really will be my end if I'm not careful.
~You are loved. You are kind. You are amazing. Thank you. Take a lot of cookies. 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪 -J~