11// “I’ll Tell You A Secret”
With my hands still gripping Alisa’s hips, her hands buried in my hair we broke away and looked over at Blondie, Jaxon, James and Cherry who were all sporting grins, snickers and crossed arms. They all looked like they were just watching an R rated comedy live show. I had no idea how long they were standing there for, but thankfully Jaxon had interrupted us because like he said, it probably would have gone further.
“You two okay there?” James added, not even bothering to hide his amused smirk.
“Completely and utterly” Alisa said and stepped back, all to my dismay.
“Here we were enjoying the meteor shower, drinking and smoking” Blondie started, “until we come around here and see you two enjoying the scenery” Right…scenery. I dropped my hands to my sides trying to not let the disappointment show on my face.
“Can we join you in enjoying the scenery?” Blondie asked, clearing not caring that she had interrupted. Without getting an answer she walked up to the concrete wall jumped up and swung her legs over the edge, two hundred feet off the ground. She placed her hands either side of her and swung her legs to and fro, dangerously close to slipping over the edge.
“Great scenery” she mused peering down at the ever moving city. She was followed by Cherry who sat on her left then Jaxon who sat on her right, then James and finally Alisa and I. We sat in a line on the concrete wall with our legs being pulled down by gravity high above the road. I swallowed hard as I tried to not think about how one little slip would send me hurtling to the road and dying half man half pancake. Blondie lit up another cigarette, sucked in a long drag and handed it to Cherry who held it between her twitching fingers. In this light I could see that tonight Cherry was dressed in green, her lips and nails painted the same ivy tone.
“I don’t think I’ve told any of you why I’m in here” Blondie contemplated aloud as she handed the cigarette to Jaxon.
There was uneasy silence between the rest of us,
“I guess I just assumed that people thought you were a sociopath so just chucked you in here” Jaxon answered eventually as he passed the cig to James who refused it and handed it to me.
“Oh true” Blondie continued, “but I had loads of outstanding offences before my parents figured out that I was not your usual rebel”
“What kind of offenses?” I found myself asking. None of us faced each other when we talked just stared out into the moving organism below us, watching as advertisements on the billboards changed and flashed with fancy slogans, the buzz of dozens of pop and new released songs, as well as the hundreds of people chatting and living.
“Shoplifting, illegal substances, peace disturbances” Blondie rolled off her tongue, “just your usual”
“That’s hardly enough grounds for you to be put into a mental institute” James added, siding with the sociopath.
“I know right!” Blondie exclaimed, “what about you twins? What did you do to get in here?”
“Mostly public disturbances” Jaxon answered for them both, “a bit of screaming for ‘no reason’” he did hair quotes for ‘no reason’. I’m guessing many people including their friends and family had said that they had screamed and freaked out for absolutely no reason at all, but I knew for a fact that when someone with bipolar screamed, there definitely was a reason.
“Not as bad as what I did” Cherry murmured timidly at the end of the line, “My parents are business CEO’s and they travel, excessively, extensively, all the goddamn time” She stopped for a moment to take a hefty breath in.
“India, Japan, Australia, Czechoslovakia, Russia, China, Brazil, Canada. They never stopped. It was a new place every few weeks”Cherry’s voice quivered with anger and hatred, “I can still see my parents’ faces when I—” it was noticeable that her teeth were clenched because at the end of the sentence the words started to string together. I was about to open my mouth and tell her to continue, but I kept my trap shut, it was obviously traumatic for her and she wasn’t prepared to continue. I didn’t blame her for that.
“What about you scars?” Blondie shook me awake with her blunt question.
Hanging my mouth open in befuddlement. The words refused to form in my head. How would I tell them about my depression? Should I tell them the whole story? With details? Should I lie? Maybe they wouldn’t care if I didn’t say anything.
“Must you be so blunt?” James snapped at her, clearing noticing that I was having a hard time wrapping my head around her question.
“Bottom line a family death and being bullied drove me to having a razor blade as my only friend for a few years” my lips tumbled through the words, ignoring the filter that my brain should have done, “several suicide attempts” I added.
“Several?” Cherry piped up down the row.
“Mmm. But I have a wooden house and you can hear a mouse breathe in that place, so my mom came to the rescue before anything could happen” I explained. The silence was deafening as we sat thoughtfully, sitting on that ledge. Wondering how little effort it would take to just push off…tumble down into the abyss of human life below. How simple it would be, the clarity would be rewarding and quick.
“Don’t sit too far forward Michael. Aside from what you think of yourself, we all like you” Jaxon assured. That’s when I twisted my gaze to them all beside me, they all gave me genuinely appreciative looks, small smiles and polite nods, all agreeing with Jaxon.
“Maybe Alice likes you a little more, but all in all, you’re one of us” Blondie added, her voice not edged with its usual haughtiness. I felt the shadow of a smile appear on my face, but I turned away from them, trying to not act like what they said got to me.
“Oh yes our dear, wondrous Alice, how on earth did you fall down the rabbit hole?” Blondie faked a horribly done English accent. The schizophrenic had remained quiet until now. Out of the rest of us she had stared unwaveringly into the sea of city lights, not even acknowledging our confessions, maybe she didn’t even hear us.
But her full lips found the words to speak,
“Twas drillig slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe—” Alisa started mumbled,
“Oh Jesus here we go again” Blondie hissed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“Until the Red Queen stumbled upon Alice and decided to stay” that was different. Her usual funny poem had changed.
“The Red Queen hated thy defiance and she would see anyone who defiled her word stamped out. However instead of putting me out of my misery and beheading me she decided that I be sent to the dungeons with the lucky few to rot away. I did nothing wrong. I only did what he told me to say. I only did what he said was right.” Alisa’s voice was highly strung, full of hatred and…regret. However it wasn’t as whimsical as her usual tone of voice, it was almost..normal. I looked over at the others they all shrugged having just as little idea as me where in the world this was coming from. Alisa, it seemed hadn’t noticed our uneasy looks. He? Who was he?
“They hurt you, he whispered. They hurt you and so you must hurt them. They must pay. The Jabberwocky was a terrible beast with slithery skin and fangs as sharp as razors. He convinced me that the girls who made fun of me in high school should have to pay the price. They had destroyed my image and made me second guess my life. All through high school only because I was different, I was picked on, kicked and spat on, punched. Are you even really blonde? What’s a Wonderland? That’s a fucking ridiculous tat you bitch.” I looked intently at Alisa as her lips curled into a clear sneer, her eyes narrowing, her words spat out with vivid disgust.
“The words plagued my thoughts for years and my nightmares were usually about those girls cutting away the flesh that held my tattoo. My daydreams were of how I would tie the rope, or hold the knife.” Her voice started to tremble in remembrance. And still she didn’t make eye contact, as though she was in a hypnotising trance. I swallowed hard and listened to her. It felt like she had accepted a truth serum and she had no choice but to reveal her deepest secrets.
“They deserve to be hurt, the Jabberwocky hissed in my ear. It’s only right, it’s justice Alice.”
“He wasn’t wrong, they were monsters and were obliged to pay, with their blood spilt. It was a celebration ball that he told me to strike. I dressed how I usually would and hung in the safety of the shadows until I saw her. The girl with the hair coloured like sunlight at the ends and dirt brown at the roots, the one with the eyes like shards of ice, breasts as bulbous as the Red Queen’s head." at that Blondie and Cherry both bit down snorts of laughter.
Alisa it seemed still hadn't noticed that she was the centre of attention right now or that Blondie and Cherry had just paid out on her,
"The butter knife in my hand was cold and hard and deadly. I stepped from the darkness and grabbed her arm and drove the end of the knife into her arm.” I sensed her evil cunning smile underneath her words.
A shudder ran through me. She had stabbed someone? Because they had bullied her? My legs suddenly felt heavier as I sensed my body being dragged further towards the ground. Alisa had gone through so much. I had had no idea, I don’t think any of us had any idea. I looked over at Jaxon and James who both had tight lips and had eyes large in complete astonishment. Cherry was clutching Blondie’s shoulder securely, in fright or for support I didn’t know.
“The screaming came before the blood. It was distressing, and as the crimson liquid ran like a river down her smooth arm I saw the fear in her eyes. She knew that this was what I would have felt like when she had hurt me, only this time her blood would be drawn.”
Maybe I should have been scared, maybe I should have been fearful, maybe I should have run away or pushed myself off that building. But the only thing I had the impulse to do was hug her, let her forehead rest on my shoulder.
“Mayhap I had it coming” Alisa added, “the happiness of what the powder did could only last so long. After all the others would not have appreciated that I had clearly established that animal cruelty is not humane. The poor beasts deserved a fair send off, the word slaughter has so many aliases, but I only chose 25, that’s how they should have perished, by the hand of their accused. The words scrawled into their flesh, lying in a line purged of their life” that’s when she began to cry.
Strong, wilful, defiant and independent Alisa began to weep. Softly at first, but then more intense and her cheeks began to dampen with the oncoming streams of tears that flowed from the corners of her eyes. Her shoulders shook violently under the impact of her words, the cries from her mouth caused my heart to be strung and I moved closer to her till I put an arm around her shoulders and drew her close. Just like how I had wanted to. It was strange seeing her so vulnerable. Her whole body shook under the shudders that she produced. However I could only hold her, no words of comfort came to my mind, nothing that would soothe her hurting soul.
Minutes of her racking sobs and tears passed by as I held her close, only then did I look over and see that the others had left, they had left us. I let out a huge sigh and felt Alisa pull away from me. Her eyes red rimmed, cheeks swollen and her expressions sadder than usual.
“Hatter” she started, her voice timid and quiet, “have I gone mad?” reaching my hand to her forehead to feel her temperature I paused and pulled away with a concerned look,
“I’m afraid so, you’re entirely bonkers” I stated. Her eyes looked down at her hands, her mouth lowering into a sad frown,
“But I’ll you a secret…all the best people are”
***
After the meteor shower ended at midnight and we were out of cigarettes and alcohol we packed up and headed back down to level 7. After Alisa had wept like a baby about her past we had gone back to the others who had left us to ourselves. We were on our way down the stairwell, no one spoke a word maybe out of necessity maybe out of wanting.
Shuffling our feet to our dormitories almost no words were said, not even glances as one by one we began to crawl into our rooms and pretend that we had never done what we had done. However I was not so eager to just let Alisa go like that after that kiss. As she was walking past me to walk down the hall I snatched her wrist and pulled her close so that my mouth grazed her ear.
“Still think I have a stone demeanour Alice?” I hissed into her ear, keeping my voice low and husky. I saw her shudder slightly in the darkness.
“I’m not certain anymore” she stated, before wreathing herself from my grip and walking away. Not before I pressed a hot kiss just below her chin, if I wasn’t mistaken that would have been the first time I heard Alisa Wilders sigh.
AN
Hey everyone sorry for the short chapter. This chapter was more character development and a little insight to what Dorm 23 had gone through before they got to the Institute. Alisa's confession may seem a little confusing right now but light will be shed on her words soon :)
Till then, vote and comment
ARM179 xx