Megan woke up early the next morning to an empty bed. She knew Tate hadn't come to bed last night and she assumed he had stayed up talking with his family late. She was glad that he had been able to talk to Adele, and the thought of him being reunited with his niece and nephew warmed her heart and made a small smile cross her face. She had barely talked to Tate since they went to town, but she knew he had needed time with his family, not with her over the last couple days. Showering and dressing quickly, she headed out to the kitchen to find it empty. She was pouring a cup of coffee when the front door opened. She heard Tate's laughter before she saw him and her heart warmed again at the sound of his genuine laughter.
"Good morning Megan!" Megan was surprised to see the whole family coming through the front door. Caroline was beaming at her and Megan couldn't help but smile back even though she felt a little pang at being left out of whatever the family had been doing. Did that mean that Tate finally had realized that he could do a lot better and decided to move on from her?
"Good morning Caroline. And everyone else." She kept her smile in place as she nodded towards Brett and Lissa, the latter just barely nodding back in return. She also turned her smile on Gunner and Tate who had come in the door together. Gunner smiled back and nodded, but Tate's face slowly went serious making Megan's stomach dip. She offered to help Caroline get started on breakfast and watched as everyone except Tate took a seat at the table. He walked up behind her and lightly touched her shoulder, making her turn towards him.
"I think we need to talk after breakfast." He said softly, and she just looked down and nodded. She couldn't stand looking in his eyes when she was so sure that he had come to his senses and decided that she wasn't the girl for him.
"That's probably best." She agreed softly, pleased when her voice betrayed nothing of the way she was feeling. She turned to see Caroline smiling softly at her, and wondered if the woman knew what Tate wanted to talk about. Breakfast was a quick thing and then Tate was pushing her outside towards the barn.
"What do you say we go on a trail ride? There are still some spots of the ranch that I haven't shown you. They aren't accessible by trucks." He leaned down and murmured in her ear. She frowned.
"Tate, I don't have my saddle and either way I don't think I can do it." A small smile crossed his face as she turned to look at him.
"I believe you can do it darlin." Before she could protest, he moved towards the stalls and quickly led out two of the horses. As he saddled them up with quick efficiency, he kept a steady stream of chatter up about the horses and the memories he had associated with them. Megan tried to listen to him, but something felt off to her and her stomach was churning at the thought of going on a trail ride in her state.
"I don't know about this Tate." She whispered as he bent to scoop her out of the wheelchair. He carried her towards a gorgeous gray horse that stood calmly near by.
"Trust me darlin." He whispered and she didn't say another word. If he was so sure that she could do it, she supposed she would just have to prove him wrong. Besides there wasn't anything that could change his mind right now. She was trying to assess what the damage would be when she inevitably fell when he settled her into the saddle. The seat was deep with a high back and pommel and she settled comfortably into the saddle.
"Oh this is nice!" She said, surprise coloring her words. Tate laughed.
"I told you to trust me." She felt relatively safe in the deep seat, but Tate grabbed some flat rope and tied it around her waist and the pommel.
"Are you sure this is safe?" She asked, frowning a bit. The saddle that Tate had rigged up for her back home had a quick release feature. If something ever went wrong and she had to fall free from the horse, she just had to pull a strap.
"Yup. Willow here is the most solid horse you could ever ask for and besides, if somethin goes wrong, just tug hard on the end of the knot. I don't think you need the strap, but it'll give you a sense of more security." She nodded her head and he handed her the reins before swinging up on a blue roan horse. She followed him out of the barn, trying to get the sense of the way her legs swung almost freely without being tied to the saddle like she was used too. She felt stable enough and turned her attention to directing Willow after Tate.
"Oh my gosh." The gasp came from her right and when she looked up, she realized they were riding past the deck. The whole family was out on the deck and Caroline had her hands over her mouth. The rest of the family looked shocked and even Lissa, was looking with respect towards Megan.
"I told you she could ride mama." Tate called and Megan felt a blush spread across her cheeks. Caroline wiped a tear from her cheek and then waved towards them.
"Have fun darlin! You sure never do cease to amaze me." Megan laughed and nodded her thanks before riding after Tate towards the pasture. They rode silently for a long while, except for Tate pointing out a few things here and there. Finally she couldn't take the silence anymore.
"Where did you go last night?" She questioned, and watched as a soft smile spread across Tate's face.
"It sounds weird but we slept in the barn." He laughed at the look she threw him and then continued on. "Jake started this thing when we were little. He loved to be adventurous and one night, he asked mama if we could sleep in the barn. We have a hay loft that is pretty comfortable. Mama agreed and helped us set it up. She thought it looked so cozy that she wanted to join, which of course made my dad join. That was before Gunner and Lissa came along, but we made it into a sort of tradition. We haven't done it in a long, long time though." He stopped talking and the look on his face made it seem as if he were a million miles away. In a different time of his life.
"I love that you are able to share those memories now. And it makes me very happy that you and your family are starting to heal." Megan said softly, a genuine smile painted across her face. The look of pure happiness on Tate's face warmed her.
"Me too Megs." They rode almost in silence, except for Tate pointing out certain things that held memories for him. Most of the memories revolved around Jake, and Megan was happy to hear the joy in Tate's voice instead of the pain he usually had when he talked about Jake. After a long ride, Tate finally came to a stop beside a small, spring fed pond. The water was a beautiful blue, and was surrounded by green trees. It was an oasis in the far corner of the pasture that was otherwise filled with scrub brush.
"It's gorgeous." Megan gasped and Tate beamed at her.
"It is isn't it? Jake and I found it and it became our secret spot. I'm sure others know about it but not to my knowledge." Megan took in the beautiful scenery as she waited for Tate to dismount. He did slowly, and then walked to the pond. Stooping he dipped his hand in the water, and then stood staring out at the pond for a long while. Megan tried to ignore how uncomfortable she was in the saddle, and how her back was starting to loose it's straight posture. She was afraid that if she sat here for much longer, she would fall and have to pull the emergency strap to free herself. Just then Tate turned and came towards her. As he helped her slide into his arms, she noticed he had tears in his eyes.
"Sorry. I- I just haven't been here since... well since the accident." He whispered and she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"It's alright Tate." They sat down by the pond and Tate pulled her close to his side. She let herself slump into him, even though there was so much left unsaid between them. It was Tate who broke the silence. Words seemed to bubble out of his mouth and overflow.
"I don't know if I will ever forget that day Megan. My shot, my brother's scream. Colt standing trembling beside his daddy. My realization at what I had done. I lost it in that minute. I remember throwing up and then cursing God and wondering why he had let someone as loved as my brother be taken away by someone like me. I knew as soon as I saw my brother that he couldn't be saved. I always was a good shot. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet."
"Tate.." Megan whispered and brought his hand up to her mouth, where she kissed it softly. He seemed to not hear her and she decided to let him talk as he obviously needed it.
"If there's one thing you need to know about me Megan, is the fact that I was a bad kid. I always got into trouble. Jake always bailed me out. Eventually he got sick of doing that and that's when we drifted apart. I thought I hated him. He turned me in to the cops for underage drinking and driving and my license was suspended for over a year. After that, we didn't talk much. Even though I grew up a little, I always felt betrayed by what he did. My parents always loved Jake more than me. It was only natural for them. He was likable, kind, smart, respectful and I was the opposite. You can imagine their reactions when their black sheep of a son had to tell them that he had killed their pride and joy. Despite how much has changed now, and despite how much they tried to be there for me, they hated me then. I knew it then. I still know it. They know it. It took a lot for them to be able to fight for me in the court case. It took even more for them not to throw me out, but I left anyway. When I returned a year later for Christmas my mom had healed. Wanted to love me again. The rest of my family, not so much."
"They love you now." Megan's whisper was so quite she wasn't sure if Tate had even heard her, but he nodded his head.
"Yeah. They do. I don't know how because after coming back for holidays two years in a row, and fighting, blaming myself, and seeing the grief I had caused, I couldn't handle it anymore. I left. I didn't go back. I guess after they lost me too they realized that they did love me. I'm not bitter at them. I don't think I could be. They had to deal with a town that had completely turned against one of their sons, while grieving the loss of another one. And somehow in the midst of it all they still forgave me." Tate fell silent and Megan leaned her head against his arm. She felt the waves of grief, anger, guilt, and betrayal roll off of him. At some point, silent tears ran down his cheeks, but she also felt the sense of him coming together again. Like some of the broken parts were slowly melding themselves back onto him.
"You are too hard on yourself." She whispered finally after he seemed to have gotten control of his feelings. He gave her a wry smile.
"Maybe."
"He would be so proud of you Tate." He looked at her, really looked at her for the first time since he started talking. Tears welled up again and he shrugged.
"I hope so." His voice was choked but he kept going. "I hope my big brother is finally proud of me but..." He shrugged. "I don't know if he is. I caused a lot of destruction. I almost ripped this family apart. I hurt people I didn't even know because my guilt followed me. I tried to kill myself more than once because I didn't see why I was alive and he was dead. I've been a pretty terrible person, but then you came along. You made me into a person I can finally be proud of again. And for you, my family, Adele, Colt and Cassie, I want to stay being that person." He whispered the last few sentences and Megan hugged him close again.
"You are the best uncle. You will become an even better uncle."
"Cassie gives me so much hope. Jake always wanted a girl and he got one. She just came too late to meet her daddy. I want to tell her all about him. Fill in the stuff I know Adele won't be able too. Even though she's forgiven me, she still hasn't gotten over him. I just..." He blew out a long sigh and with it seemed to come his guilt, his burdens. He sat up straighter and smiled shakily down at Megan. "I just feel so much better now. I think I can finally start to let go of him and my guilt."
"I'm glad." They sat there for a long time, in silence. Finally he spoke again, a husky note in his voice now.
"You've been so strong for me. Now let me do that for you." Megan looked at him surprised.
"What do you mean?"
"I know you are hurting Megan. I can see it in your eyes. It's always there, and I haven't done enough to help it." He stroked her cheek tenderly and she shook her head.
"No. It's not important. I haven't suffered like you and most of my problems are silly." His eyes clouded and he shook his head emphatically.
"Yes Megan it is important. Just because you haven't gone through what I did, doesn't mean you haven't suffered any less. Talk to me." She sat still for a moment, before finally caving and letting all the thoughts, feelings and heartaches that had been building ever since her accident out.
"After my accident I lost everyone. My closest friends drifted away. My boyfriend left me because he didn't want to deal with someone like me. My grandma died soon after. My dad started loosing his mind. My uncle tried his best but then he died too. I was so, so alone. I tried to be strong for my dad and uncle, even right after the accident. My uncle would push me as much as I could, would take me hunting, would get me to do stuff around the ranch, even redid the house for me. I did it all for him, even though I hadn't healed emotionally or physically from the accident. The pain at first was excruciating. It still is sometimes. I just push through it."
"I didn't know." Tate whispered and she nodded.
"No one does. Obviously being paralyzed like me, means I'm often uncomfortable. I can't move freely or stretch my legs. I can't get the cramps out. I'm often in pain, but I've gotten used to it now. Even riding hurts quite a bit."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I can deal with it. It's just everything else that I can't." She felt tears starting to drip down her cheeks and Tate leaned forward to wipe them.
"Tell me darlin." Finally everything inside of her exploded and her words came out mixed with sobs.
"I'll never be good enough Tate! I know how people see me, how your friends, family and community members see me. I'm not good enough for you. I'm just a cripple and you are so strong. You could do so much better. And when you finally realize that and leave, I'll be all alone." She broke down and sobbed and he took her into his arms, comforting her. Her sobs gradually slowed and when they stopped he spoke.
"I hate that you think that Megan. My family loves you and respects you. Everyone else does not matter. If anything I'm not good enough for you. The only reason I am still here today is because of you and I love you so, so much. I promise I'll never leave." For some reason the words he spoke this time, resonated with her and she finally found herself believing that she maybe was good enough.
"Okay." They stayed there a long time, both exhausted yet feeling a lot lighter than they had in a long time. When they started back late in the afternoon, both of them felt a sense of relief and joy. It seemed that both of them were on the road to healing and together they would find what it meant to be whole again.
*****
So another long chapter, and another chapter that is split in half meaning that my next chapter will be a lot shorter than these past ones have been. Also, it means that this book will likely be 36 or 37 chapters long. The next chapter that goes with this one will be up soon! As always thanks for reading! ~S