With the alcohol in my body, my brain shut down and with it, all my anxiety. All that was left was what was in my heart and my nervous system. I was tingling everywhere. All I wanted was to feel Harry's skin on mine. I tossed his shirt somewhere in the dark of the bus and bent my head back down fitting my mouth back to his. I placed my palm flat on his chest in hopes that I would know every time his heartbeat. I wanted to know if it was beating as fast as mine was. Harry's hands came down on my hips, holding me in place on top of him. Harry released my lips kissing my jaw and then bringing his head up to kiss behind my ear and down my neck, sending flames down my spine, a moan escaping my lips. I felt like I was truly alive for the first time. I felt like I was on fire.
"Harry, I want you," I said as the last of my body control was taken over by the alcohol. My head fell forward, my chin colliding with the back of Harry's head.
"Shit," Harry said as he brought his hand to where we hit. "Are you okay?" He asked me bringing his other hand to my chin. I wasn't sure what happened but I wasn't feeling any pain. The only thing on my mind was Harry's body underneath me.
"Uhm."
"DJ, you are drunk. And it is really late. You need to go to sleep," Harry said, pulling his body up into a sitting position so I was now straddling his lap rather than his stomach.
"No Harry. I am fine. This is fine. I want this. You don't want this?" I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I began to climb off of him but his hands came back down on my hips holding me in place once again. I kept my head turned from him not wanting to look him in the eyes. I had no clue what I was doing and being with someone who had the experience, my actions felt embarrassing. Harry put a finger under my chin and moved my face so that I was looking right at him. His green oceans he called eyes burned right through my blue ones. Harry moved his face towards mine and gave me a small pecking kiss.
"DJ, I do. Not with you like this though. I want it to be real. Not something you have no control over," he said tucking a fallen piece of hair behind my ear. I just wanted to hide my head under the blankets, taking back everything that just had happened, but the deed was already done.
"Okay," I said in a quiet whisper. Harry smiled up at me and I couldn't help but weakly poke his left dimple, a shy smile forming on my lips. I pulled myself off him and moved towards the edge of the bunk to head back to mine, but Harry's hand was still on my hip and he pulled me back into him.
"Not so fast, darling." Harry wrapped his arms around me, making me the little spoon to his big spoon. His arms were cool and soothing, and the feeling of safety in his presence was more restful than any lullaby. I may have made a fool of myself but I knew I was safe and accepted in his arms. At least for right now.
***
Once again I was awake before Harry. Not that I minded, my body has its own clock. I was surprised how I didn't wake up feeling suffocated especially with Harry's arms still around me but I wasn't going to question it. I gently turned my body so I was now facing him. I propped myself up on my elbow to just stare at him. He was like my very own gift from, God, or whoever was out there granting gifts.
I leaned down kissing him and then gently as to not wake him, pulled my body away from Harry's, and climbed out of his bunk. I figured I could get some writing done before he was awake and we needed to head to the arena. I walked to my closet pulling on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I grabbed my laptop and my phone off the charger, powering it back on so I could do my daily message check. As I waited for it to load any data from it being off I headed to the kitchen. I sat my laptop down on the counter and grabbed a banana off the wrack. I began to open it, taking a bite as my phone began to ding with all of the unread notifications.
I sat the half-eaten banana down next to my computer and opened the first message I saw. It was a text from Nova-one of my group chat friends. I opened the text, a link to a tabloid article waiting for me. Jeff told me not to look at these but I trusted Nova so I clicked on to the link. It opened to a digital magazine called PopNews. I have seen these magazines in passing but had never picked one up. I wasn't about gossiping about celebrities. The cover page was a picture of Harry walking through an airport the heading underneath it stating "HARRY STYLES AND DJ CRIST: KNEW EACH OTHER BEFORE FIRST CONCERT???" My eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "What are they talking about?" I said to myself. That was when I saw it.
The picture was not only a picture of Harry but also a picture of me. This didn't make sense. The one time we were ever together in an airport was here in Canada and Harry wasn't wearing that. I quickly scrolled down to the page of the article and ran my eyes through it.
The picture from the cover was enlarged the header now calling me a liar. What did they mean was I a liar? I still wasn't sure how this photo was possible. We weren't at the airport together in Philly. I tried to think back to when I entered the airport in Philadelphia. I remember people being everywhere. I remembered stepping into the main area, a huge crowd gathered, and a group of photographers. Oh. I thought the photographers were weird but I didn't think anything of it at the time. How did I not know Harry was right behind me the whole time?
But even at that, it was only a weird coincidence. I wasn't a liar. Everything that happened was the truth. Did people really think I was a liar? Did they really think everything that happened between Harry and me was a lie? Given they didn't know the whole story but did they really think the concert was a lie? All the thoughts of the millions of people hating me and coming for my head ran through me all at once. The thought of Harry seeing this picture and him thinking I was stalking him, scared me. Would he believe I didn't have anything to do with this? That I wasn't lying about the situation just to get him to notice me?
I wasn't sure why I was letting it get to me but I did the one thing I knew how to do best. I ran. I turned my phone off, placing it in my pocket and shoved my feet into my shoes, not worrying about unlacing them. It was almost late afternoon and as I exited the bus, once again people were everywhere. They were all finishing up any last-minute things that needed to happen before the show tonight.
"DJ?" A voice came from next to me. I turned to see Jeff standing there, a questioning look on his face.
"Afternoon, Jeff," I said in soft whisper.
"DJ, are you okay?" He asked taking a step closer to me. I nodded. I wasn't alright. My head was telling me everything was about to come crashing down around me, because of random timing that everyone was taking wrong. "Did you see-" Jeff started but I interrupted him.
"Yes, all is good. I am alright. I am just going to go get some coffee," I said throwing a thumb backward, remembering there was a Starbucks on the corner.
"And Harry?" Jeff asked.
"Still sleeping. I didn't want to wake him. I will be back." I began to slowly step back while still facing Jeff. He nodded and I turned on my heels and headed in the opposite direction. I didn't have far to walk but I sped walked the whole way there. I wasn't sure what I was doing, I didn't even drink coffee but I knew I needed to get out of there. I didn't want to see Harry when he saw the article. I looked towards the front of the Arena, a long line already out front. I was sure they all already seen the news of my "big lie", but I couldn't be sure.
I pushed the Starbucks door open, slowly walking into the quiet building. A young man in a green apron looked up at me from his place behind the counter, with a smile.
"Hello. What can I get started for you?" All I could do was stare, my heart pounding, with anxiety. "Ma'am?" He said after a few moments of me just standing there.
"Uhm. Can I just get some water?" The last thing I needed was more energy right now.
"Of Course," he said turning from me to fill a cup with ice and water. I took the cup from him with a thankful nod and headed to the nearest table. Taking a seat and placing my head down on the hard surface. I didn't know what to do. I felt like the world was out to get me, right when I was starting to feel okay. I had a sudden strange tingling on my back as if someone was watching me. I sat up looking around me. There were only a few people around me and no one was even remotely looking in my direction, but I still couldn't help feeling strange. I stood up, deciding I would just leave and start walking to clear my mind since sitting was seemingly only making my anxiety worse. I headed down the street past the Arena.
Right past the arena was a pier. Harry was right the lake did stretch for hundreds of miles. I continued to walk the pier taking in the beauty of the water, so deep and wide, but the strange feeling that someone was watching me didn't leave me. I turned around to see a man standing a few feet away, and the minute he saw me looking he turned. I didn't recognize him, so I knew I didn't know him. I thought it was probably in my head and that once again it was playing tricks on me, so I turned back around and continued to walk. I soon knew it wasn't all in my head as I caught the man once again behind me. I began to pick up my speed trying to move farther away from him, but he just walked faster.
I needed to just get to a storefront or something and then I could tell someone about what was going on. I didn't know what the man wanted but I wasn't going to stop to ask. I soon reached a sign that stated, "Free Toronto Harbour Tours." It was an ad for a boat tour. I figured if I could get onto a boat fast enough then I would be around other people and escape this man. I ran down the pier until I found the tour boat. People were already on and the boat attendant was starting to remove the deck from the boat.
"Sir, is there room for one more?" I asked him as I glanced behind me to see if I lost the man.
"Of course you made it just in time." He motioned me forward as I quickly stepped onto the boat finding a seat. I glanced back to the pier seeing the man shaking his head and turning around. I was hoping it was all in my head still, even though I was sure it wasn't.
The boat pulled off as the host began talking but I didn't hear a word he was saying. I was solely focused on the man walking away and all the thoughts of the article. I wasn't sure why I was so worried about it. I wasn't lying about anything. I wasn't even worried about what everyone else thought. Only Harry. He had to know I wasn't lying, right? I just needed to get a grip, I was losing my mind. Thank you anxiety, for making me scared of everything. I pushed all the thoughts out of my head and turned my attention to the host and drowned myself in his voice to distract me.
***
The tour lasted almost two hours and by the time we reached the pier I realized it was almost six. The show was going to start in an hour. The tour was a good distraction but I knew it was time to face reality. As I stepped off the boat I pulled out my phone, turning it on for the second time today. The dinging not stopping as the missed notifications poured in. I unlocked my phone and seen I had many missed calls and texts from Harry. I was sure he was upset. I had unintentionally, intentionally ignoring him all afternoon. I quickly hit call on my phone waiting for my death.
"DJ! Where are you? Stay where you are. I'm coming to get you." This was the fastest I had ever heard him talk. He didn't sound mad. Just worried.
"Harry," I said in the loudest voice I could muster, but it was still a soft whisper.
"Are you okay? Please talk to me," he said. He sounded panicked and that made me feel worse. My anxiety wasn't just causing me heartache it was causing him pain too.
"I'm okay, I'm just nervous. You can't come and get me. There isn't time. You need to get ready for the show. I'm not far, and I'm on my way back now anyway. I'll try to be back before you go on."
"Okay," he said in a low voice. That one word sent nervous butterflies through me.
"Harry?"
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry." I was apologizing for so many things. Past, present, future. I knew it wasn't enough though. He had enough going on in his life, he didn't need to deal with my drama too.
"DJ, we'll talk when you get here," Harry said, as I heard his name being yelled in the background.
"Okay."
"Bye," he said as the line went dead. I took a deep breath bringing my phone away from my ear and bringing my eyes back up as something hit me sending my phone and body flying to the ground.