Dear readers,
I am modifying the format of writing a little because a lot of things in this book are unplanned . It may change further in the following chapters. Please, understand.
_______________________________
I was surprised to find him here looking breathtaking as always. I saw his eyes narrowed at my face , making me squirm in reaction. His expression looked pained , confusing me further. I stepped aside and welcomed him in with a small smile. No matter what, I loved this man with everything I had in me.
I witnessed a look of surprise pass over his face as he saw Rohanpreet sitting on the couch with his guitar in his hand. We were just about to practice our song so that the final touches in the recording could be done. The shoot had taken place and I was confident it was going to receive beautiful response from the audience.
I asked Sidharth to sit for sometime by the time we can practice as I thought it would not be appropriate to keep Rohan waiting. Heaven knows that boy was doing so much for me. Rohan had agreed to practice at my place because these days I didn't feel like leaving my bed let alone my home.
Sidharth had been confusing me with the paradox between his words and actions. He calls me a friend but his actions somehow always compels me to understand his feelings for something deep, something more.
Rohan and I sat opposite to each other. Sidharth sat in front of me too, with Rohanpreet. And judging by the way he was eyeing Rohan and how his jaw was stiff. I wondered if both of them should be in such proximity .
Rohan took his stance and adjusted the strings of guitar.
"Okay. On the count of of 3'' I said clearing my throat.
" 3"
" 2"
" 1"
Rohanpreet began singing the verses-
Roi na je yaad meri aayi ve
Khush rahi akhan na bhar aayi ve(x2)
Hoya ki je tu methon door ho gaya
Supna dohan da chooron choor ho gaya
Ho tere naal rahu meri parchayi ve
It was a heart breaking number and laugh at the irony or whatever you want to do. But it suited my situation so very well. I felt my throat catching up because my part was about to begin. Singing it in front of him with his eyes boring into mine made it difficult a thousand more folds.
Okay, time to get a grip girl
Roi na je yaad meri aayi ve
Khush rahi akhan na bhar aayi ve
Roi na je yaad meri aayi ve
Khush rahi akhan na bhar aayi ve
I sang along to the beats of the guitar fighting back tears. I looked up to steal a glance at him and gasped when saw him already starting at me. That was unexpected.
Somehow I made it to the song without breaking into a puddle of tears. I got up and turned to the other side composing myself, putting back that fake cheery smile.
"Hay ho Gaya finally, ruko tum dono Mai kuchh khane k liye lekar aati hu tumhare liye" I said making my way towards the kitchen.
Suddenly, I choked on my breath because Rohanpreet was behind me, holding the Hem of my anarkali's dupatta. I sighed. He had been flirting sincerely from the time we met again. I had declined him saying my heart belonged to someone else , but he had just shook his head .
At least let me have the satisfaction that I tried my level best to impress the prettiest woman I know.
He had said smiling sheepishly at me. 7 and a half months before, I would have fallen for his charms, I wouldn't have hisitated but now all of this just seemed pointless. I had fallen hard, but for the charms of some other man.
"Rohaaan'' I say with a small smile on my face. He was harmless . He's too sweet to do anything. Besides Sidharth was here. I know he would help me if things go out of hand.
"Inni vi Kya jaldi h soniyo!'' he said playfully.
"Chhadd yaar Rohan" as hard as I tried, I couldn't pretend to be annoyed. I would be lying if I say his presence did not comfort me , not the way Sidharth's presence would, but it was soothing nonetheless. He was a welcome distraction.
Rohan took baby steps towards me, playing with his guitar and began signing when he stood face to face with me.
Kacchi doriyo, doriyo, doriyo se
Mainu tu baandh le
Pakki yaariyo, yaariyo, yaariyo me
Honde na faasley
Eh naraazgi kaagzi saari teri
Mere sohneya sunn le meri
He had an amazing voice but somehow the song disturbed any sort of calm I had been feeling just a few moments before . Everything kept coming back to me. Emotions I had so hard to control were threatening me.
Dil diyan gallan
Karaange naal naal beh ke
Akh naale akh nu milaa ke
Dil diyan gallan haaye
Karaange roz roz beh ke
Sacchiyan mohabbataan nibha ke
I tried to stifle the sobs that escaped but no use. This song had too many precious broken memories . It was all so hard to cage them in and then I broke. Right in his arms. I was blinded by tears and had no sense of time, place and person. Rohanpreet's soft hand encircled me and my own went around his neck. I needed support. I tried waiting for few invaluable moments before collapsing, saving my grace for the arms that I needed the most, that I was so used to being tucked in for the past 7 and a half months. But they didn't come. He just stood there. Rooted. Wide eyed. Instead of his, an unfamiliar touch was comforting me and I just couldn't help but be selfish and let myself get absorbed in the consolation. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew Rohanpreet somewhere had a soft corner for me and I shouldn't let him get any false ideas.
Just like Sidharth let me have for him .
I can't bear the thought of somebody else's heart getting broken the way mine did.
But I did exactly what I should not. I let him hold me. Pat my hair and relax me.
Sidharth made his way to me once Rohan put me to ease, once I was capable enough to stand on my own feet. He cupped my face in his hands which felt coarse and warm at the same time. I couldn't meet the look in his eyes. I hated the way they sympathised with me. And then he pulled me into his hard chest.
For a brief second, just for a brief moment I let my head rest at the most peaceful place there could ever be , already dreading the next instant when I would have to move away from him. I did not want to.
"Kya hua jaan tereko? Achanak se kyu ro rhi thi" his voice shook. I could tell he was nervous about something. Perplexed too. But it was of no use now. I wasn't crying anymore.
I pulled away from his body, keeping my hands on his chest and the applying the lightest of pressures. To just let the feel of his body against any of my body part linger for a while longer. That was how desperately in love I was with him.
I brushed the left over traces of tears from my eyes and let out a slow , sad chuckle. Mocking myself . He had no idea.
"Are kuchh nhi bass aise hi emotional ho gyi mai. Abhi Mai sone jaa rhi hu. Kal song ka launch party h yahi society me. Sbko invite Kia h tu bhi aana han?" I say to him. His expression is unreadable . He just nods brisquely .
"Let's go Rohan. She needs some time" he says to Rohanpreet in tone that almost feels like a snap and then turns to my side. "I'm just a floor or a call away. Okay?''
I nod my head back and forth furiously, so much that I'm afraid it might come off my body. Sidharth chuckles softly and then kisses the top of my head.
This.
This is exactly what I run away from. The peace and the calm his touches give me at the same time making my heart race with adrenaline is what scares me. Nonetheless, I close my eyes to let the feel of him sink in.
__________________________
evening
It is the launch party. The song was released at midnight and it pleased me that people loved it so much. Indeed , I was beyond grateful for the support they've given me. This track was special to me , to Rohanpreet, to the whole team. I won't spoil it because of my torn heart.
I decided I would keep it simple. Faded ripped jeans with a mesh tank top would do just fine for the small party , more like a dinner that been arranged by the team in our society on my request.
I checked myself in the mirror. My eyes looked baggy. Heaving a sigh , I made my way to the entrance. My heart felt heavy and I couldn't help but swallow the sinking feeling.
As soon as I finished descending the stairs, my eyes landed on him and I felt the corners of my mouth tug up. He truly was enough to make my heart swell with joy. Sidharth seemed to be in a conversation with Vikas and Jasmine.
Jasmine. She's here.
Brushing all the negative thoughts away I walked up to him. He was facing in the opposite direction to me, saying something to Vikas, who probably saw me through the corner of his eyes.
And my heart dropped the next.
"Nahi yaar Vikas. It's like I care for her. But you can't call it something else. Not yet at least and she's so young. I am sure she'll get over this. This is nothing more than a mere crush. She has gotten herself attached to me and it scares me that she thinks it's love. Pyaar nhi h wo brother. She's kiddish. She's naive . Almost like a child.'' he was saying to Vikas and my face fell. He turned to see probably from the statued look on piyush's face who himself was gaping at me.
Sidharth's eyed widened , shock in purest form registered on his face as he takes in the horror that my face must be reflecting.
This ?
Is this what he thinks about me. I have never been more humiliated in my life. I feel like the world is slipping beneath me and I know for a reason my knees won't support me for a long time. It's too much to take so I spring back. As fast I could to my apartment.
I am running and running and I could hear his faint calls .
"Shehnaaz"
.
"Shehnaaz"
.
.
"Shehnaaz"
Just a few steps more and I would be in the safety of my home. Alone yes , but safe. I regret sending shehbaaz with Kiran to Punjab to meet her parents . I regret is so much that it's suffocating.
He thinks I am a child . My actions are childish. My love for him is nothing more than a crush
Infatuation? My ass.
Okay. The door was just a few steps away. Okay. Safe zone was coming and I feel breathe come back to me.
I hurriedly open the get and step inside. I'm almost about to close when I find in in the corridor looking at me, his face pale. Anger overwhelmed my senses. Just as I was going to shut the door on his face, he steps. I push back harder but he's more swift and stronger. He barges in and hiss in disgust.
"Shehnaaz'' he calls. I am moving towards my room from the hall.
" Sana ..listen to me''
" What are you doing here'' I say . Daring to look him in the eye.
"I am here for you.. look at you. Bachha ..that wasn't how I meant it''
"Why do you even ..care? Have you developed feelings for me'' I spat back , hurt overtaking anger now. Yet I ask him . Hoping that he'd say yes. Nod in affirmative. Because no matter how hard I try my sorry heart can't do anything.
please say yes. I clench my eyes shut. Drinking in the tears that just seemed to come non stop.
"Of course I care Sana. You're my friend'' .
If jealous was my trigged in Bigg boss. This damned word Friend is now. If I am a friend he shouldn't have followed me here with a look that suggested he almost wanna die alive.
I am so infuriated. So so angry I could kill anyone right now. He had no right to insult my feelings. What I felt was sincere. He just ruined the only thing I was most honest about.
I know I am blinded by rage because I throw away the glasses arranged on the dining table. The splinter of broken glasses crash into my ears. That felt good.
"Friend my ass Sidharth'' I yell at the top of my voice. My throat felt parched and I know my lips quivered.
I was down right shaking.
I lunge at the nearby vase and break it into pieces. My hands are bloodied. Red with fresh blood oozing out constantly but I don't care.
Sidharth is taken aback. He watches with petrified eyes, which then land on my red hands. He strides towards and gently ..so very gently takes . "Ye Kya kia baby'' he says.
Baby? Is he mocking me? That I am a kid. A fucking child!
"Stay away. Don't touch me '' I push him hard . Shoving him aside.
He does have the audacity to come towards me again.
"NO!'' I point my finger at him.
" Don't you dare. It is okay if you don't feel the same for me Sidharth but YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DISRESPECT MY FEELINGS.''
"I know '' he says. I find his voice pleading.
I throw away the utensils and jars kept that the kitchen counter . Shaking. Stirring. My legs felt wobbly.
"I am not a child. My feelings are not some fucking foreplay okay?'' I shout at him and he flinches.
He comes towards me again when he sees me collapsing on the floor. Before he could bend down and sit in front of me.
"Get out " I say . Slowly at first but my words probably didn't reach his ears.
"GET OUT I SAID. JUST GET OUT'' I empty my lungs. I am sure I need a CPR by the time I am done with crying. That was my chest felt. Constrained.
Sidharth's face was Torn. He didn't know whether he should leave or not. So I help me out.
"You're a sorry excuse of a man Sidharth Shukla. Please leave my house right now.'' I say looking into his eyes. Accusing him of how big a coward he was.
If he didn't love me. It was okay. I could deal with that. But he downright disowned my feelings because his sorry ass was afraid of acknowledging it.
That did the trick. He was hurt. Good. That felt good too. And he left closing the door softly behind him.
__________________________________
Next afternoon
It's been two days since I have left the proximity of my home. I didn't have the energy too. I was too exhausted.
I had collapsed after his exit in every form there could every be. What I felt then was senseless fury. Anger at him. But all I could associate with now was disappointment and Pity.
My eyes pained and I know for a fact that they are red. I haven't even bothered to take a bath since then. Jeez, I must smell foul.
Also, there is the added headache that kept increasing because someone was ringing the doorbell continuously from the past fifteen minutes. I groggily make my way towards the door. I'm certain it can't be Sidharth. He's an afraid man. He wouldn't come.
But I am surprised nonetheless on finding Rita aunty standing at the door , her eyes widening at my disruptive condition.
"Aunty aap...?'' I ask. Unable to comprehend as to why would she still be here. Hasn't her son told her about the epic downfall?
She just smiled at me and caressed the side of my head. ''aaj society me Eid ka function h. Paas k madarse wale bacho ki dawat hai common park me. Tu taiyyar hoja. Wo log 5 baje tk aa jayenge. Charity event h to kisi ko bulana ho to bula Lena. Hmm?'' Rita aunty says.
Stepping out? Facing people. I groaned inwardly.
"Umm..aunty Mera Mann nhi h. Please aap log dekh lijiye na''
" Chup Kar. Society k sab logo ko aana hota aur tu bhi chalegi chup chaap . Achha nhi lagta beta. Aur tujhe fir sbse milna bhi to h. Itna time ho Gaya kaam k chakkar me hamare alawa jaanti hi kisko h tu''
Her arguements were strong. Also, I couldn't deny her. She's much too precious to me.
So I was mustering all my strength and hiding all the internal scars to look presentable. If everyone was supposed to be present. He would be there too. I sigh.
__________________________
Same day
I am surprised to see how beautiful the common community park looked. It was covered with huge cloths in different areas giving a collection tent-house feel . I make my way toward the park eyeing its beauty late , at 5.30 in the evening. The sun was setting and the cold orange hue of the sunlight made it look all the more ethereal. The decorators had hung a huge crescent moon-ed shape decorative peice at the top of the tallest tree in the park . It looked so beautiful. Mumbai was pretty too in it's tainted glory. Almost as much as Punjab. I feel my eyes water but I didn't shed any tear.
I was taking all this beauty in when my eyes land on him only to find him already staring at me with an unfathomable expression. His brows are furrowed and then I realised I'm thinking too much. Staring too much.
So I avert my gaze and look at Rohanpreet standing with his hands in the pocket instead.
Despite of the awkward encounter between us I feel myself smile. Rohan had called me the next day of the epic fall out two days ago. Asking me where I was at the party. Somehow I made him understand whithout disclosing the facts.
It was then he had confessed that he liked me. Well, I had an idea. But I told me no. I couldn't keep him in the dark I was kept in. I stated what I felt explicitly.
"I know shehnaaz. Aap waisa feel nhi krte. But at least give me a chance and if you're not comfortable I promise we will remain friends just the way are for the rest of our lives. ''
He had said over the call. I couldn't think of a response so I did not give one. I went ahead and give him a side hug.
"You look good" I said and he did. His turban matched kurta's buttons. I noticed he had a shy smile.
"Thank you. You look amazing yourself too" he says .
I move to Rita aunty who stood with Mr and Mrs Khan , who had organised this event. It was so thoughtful of them and yes they were nice soft spoken people. I like them already.
"Haaaan... Hamare Punjab me aisa ni hota but ye bhi achha h .. apna apna sa hai '' I say and see Mrs Khan pass a motherly smile at me. I feel my heart getting warm. I like her already.
We talk for about half and hour or so , sipping soft drinks and giggling at exchanged jokes when suddenly there's a commotion and people are running towards that giant tree. It was all so fast that my head spun.
People were yelling and Mrs Khan was already a bundle of tears. I ran at the commotion site wondering what is wrong.
And I gasp as I see a boy. A teenager. Not more than 18 perhaps . Hanging. Clinging onto the crescent decorative. Terror seizes me . It was so high from the ground. If the boy fiddles too much with his position he might slip which could cause serious injuries or may even be fatal.
"Hardik come down beta . Please " a woman of late thirties wailed. Must be the mother.
He boy shakes his head. " I love her mom. I can't live without her. '' he says.
Ohh. And I understand what he must be facing.
I step forward, unable to resist.
"Hardik. Please come down" I shriek at him and the crowd falls silent. He looks at me , blinks his eyes twice.
"No I won't . I can't live without her"
"It's not like that Hardik. Trust me it is not " my voice is soft. I don't know if I am crying or not.
" Then what is it like ?'' his curiosity questions.
" Look, it's like . Love is beginning of feelings Hardik and not the end of it . Love preaches to live and not to die" I say softly to him. He's listening. I have his attention. We just might save him. And I feel my cheeks getting wet. Okay. May be I am crying now.
"You don't understand" Hardik confesses. Still lost. Still staring at me.
" I do understand. I know what it is like when someone doesn't feel the same way about you. When you can't stop thinking about someone'' I say thinking of the very same person.
"It hurts but you can't make people like you"
" I don't like her. I love her'' his voice is breaking.
And I know for a fact that mine is too. "I know. I know but love isn't about grand gestures or the moon and the stars . It's just dumb luck. And sometimes you find someone you feels the same for you and sometimes you're just unlucky. But one day .. you're gonna find someone who appreciates you for who you are . I mean there are 7 billion people on this planet. And one day, someone is going to climb up the moon for you''
I say looking into his eyes. The irony is I can't even believe I said those words or believe them but Hardik seems to does. He nods .
"Okay .. I'll come" he says and let the crowd pull the stings of the artificial crescent down. His mother hugs him to her chest . Weeping loudly .
I wipe the tears that escape me. I turn my head to see Sidharth and Rohanpreet standing together. If Hardik can believe my words can't I for once believe them too.
I look at Sidharth. He's still most breath taking sight I would ever see. He didn't meet my eyes and then I see Rohan smiling sadly at me . And despite everything I smile back at him . Again.
May be it's time to give myself a second chance . Maybe destiny has already planned something for me.
Maybe?
Maybe.
Rohan comes to me , and I again give him a small smile and take his soft hands into my small ones.
I still don't know how do I feel but a chance sounds good.
It sounds like hope.
__________________________________
Do tell me how it was. Encouragement is heart warming
STREAM BHULA DUNGA
VOTE AND COMMENT
💕