This gets a bit steamy so careful young ones.
I let go of Jackson's hands and cross my arms over myself a little.
I knew it was just him, and that he had seen me so many times, but as the world stopped spinning way too fast for me to handle, I kinda realised how exposed I was.
Physically and emotionally.
And of course, I wouldn't pull back. I'm not like that anymore.
But It did pain me to know that out of everyone, it was still him.
He keeps looking at me, his eyes trained on my face and I just let my eyes fall shut momentarily.
I wasn't embarrassed that my friends had seen me like that, I just felt bad because I knew it must have been distressing, that I was so out of it.
I was actually ok, right now. Sat here in this room that I reference as my hell, I couldn't hear the court anymore.
I couldn't see his face, or well, I couldn't unless I wanted to.
I was back in control. Sometimes you need a storm to find the sun again. And I was ok.
But I was also half naked.
A little laugh rips through me and I open my eyes again to see Jackson's slightly weary ones.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Because I have no clothes on." I say and a boyish smile grows on Jackson's face.
"I know."
He shakes his head at me in amusement again and reaches for the little bag on the bed. He takes Lucy's clothes out and it's just a large t-shirt and some shorts.
Jackson shakes the t-shirt out and opens it for me, and somehow him dressing me was even more intimate than when your clothes are coming off.
He takes one of my hands back in his and slips it through an arm hole, doing the same with the other but taking his sweet time.
He lifts the top so it goes over my head, letting his fingertips lightly brush my slides as he pulls my top down for me.
With myself covered, I prepare for his hands to leave me but instead they move towards my neck and he gathers my hair and pulls it out of the t-shirt, letting it run through his fingers and he pulls his hands back to his lap.
He didn't need to dress me, he knew that and I knew that. But it was a moment of weakness for the both of us, an excuse to feel his hands.
"It was a bad idea to come in here, wasn't it?" I whisper and smile sheepishly at his face.
He had a soft understanding smile on his face, where he didn't need to reply for me to know he agrees, definitely a bad idea, but he understood why.
"How are you feeling?" Jackson asks and I shrug, getting to my feet a little shakily. He follows suit and I can feel his presence watching me as I slide my leggings down and change out of them into the shorts Lucy brought.
"I feel better." I say and he furrows his eyebrows a little. I was always able to put myself back together after a bad episode, but he always knew that I was left feeling awful and more triggered than before.
Is it weird that breakdowns, although blatantly awful, they sometimes felt cleansing?
Even though I feel drained, I felt my head was much clearer than before. I just need to get out of this room. "I feel tired as well." I share and look back at him.
"You can go home and sleep?"
"I don't really wanna go home, although I doubt they'll want me to stay." I smile gently, and also guiltily at Jackson. "I've learnt it's better to not push people away, it's better to surround yourself with everything good in this world. Good things make the darkness a little lighter."
I had pushed him away so so many times last year when I wasn't ok. Its better to spend your time doing things that make you happy. Laying on Jay earlier as nobody paid me and attention made me feel better.
"So you're staying?" Jackson asks and I shrug, moving out of the room and throwing my clothes back in the bag. I look down the stairs and I feel a little pinch of anxiety about going down to my friends.
"It depends, do you think they will be freaked out."
"Definitely, it's scary seeing something you care about in pain. But they wouldn't want you to go, if you want to stay."
"Are you going home?" I ask and he shakes his head.
"I still have a history paper to do."
"How are you?" I ask suddenly and Jackson looks a little taken back. He nods towards the stairs and he lets me go down first.
"Feeling a little guilty because I was the one to make Jay wake you up." He says, his words coming out serious but the tone letting me know his words were intended light heartedly.
"Why did you wake me up? Or well get Jay to?"
"Because if you overheated and then died, I would have gone down for manslaughter or something. Couldn't risk it." He jokes and I think both of us are surprised at how light and easy his words came out.
I refuse to lose this.
"And why would you have been in trouble?"
"It was my hoodie of course."
I pause before stepping back outside, the sun was still shinning and Jay, Max and Lucy were sat on the sofa talking.
"So, if I had died of heat stroke, my parents could blame you?" I ask and Jackson nods enthusiastically.
I don't know what this conversation is but I'm going with it, I laugh at his response and shake my head looking away from him smiling.
My friends' heads turn at the sound of my laughter and Lucy sits back relieved. Jay smiles and me and so does Max.
"Do I look awful?" I laugh and realise I never cleared the tears from my face. I look up at Jackson and rub the dried tears clear from me skin.
"You look be-" He stops himself and a small smirk falls onto my lips when he sighs and starts walking back towards our friends. "You look fine Ivy."
"You were going to call me beautiful weren't you." I tease and struggle to keep up with his long legs as we walk around the pool.
"Nope." He says and I can't help but laugh aloud.
"Does that mean you think I'm ugly?"
He pauses and I carry on walking towards them, until I feel him poke my waist a little. His little squeeze making my head spin.
"Oh, stop it." He grumbles as I jump away from his hand as it tickles me.
Narrowing my eyes at him, I don't think I've ever sent a falser glare. What happened upstairs was intense and it was dark and I knew it had freaked everyone out.
But Jackson's door was now a little more open than it was.
And I don't know how long this will last, so my glare turns into a small smile.
He holds my eye contact until he looks a little stressed and looks away.
When we reach my friends I lazily sit back down next to Jayden and Jackson sits back down in the chair which is pushed up next to where I was laid on the sofa, connecting to the table so he could do his work.
My friends don't say anything yet and I know the awkward silence was being felt by everyone so I just broke it.
"Jackson just called me ugly."
They all comically turn their heads to Jackson and I laugh out loud at his dead pan look.
"No, I didn't." He says and as I grin at him, it grows wider when he can't help but let his lips lift to a small frustrated smile.
I lean back into Jayden and smile as Jackson sends me another half-smile and looks away, opening his laptop.
Jayden is sat back on the sofa so he just lets me get comfy against him and I look between Max and Lucy.
"I'm really sorry I freaked yous out, I shouldn't have gone up there. I've just been in a funny head space today." I explain and smile at Lucy when she gives me a sympathetic look.
"How are you just ok now?" Jayden asks and I hear Jackson exhale a slight chuckle, he knows how Jayden feels.
"I have been coping with these for a while now, I'm good now I promise. I am sorry though."
"You don't have to apologise Ivy." Max sends me a smile and squeezes Lucy's hand. "Did you hear Luce's bat man sounding "get out" though, I never knew I was involved with such a person." Max teases and I smile at him, glad that he was lightening the mood again.
"Are you staying for a bit? I see you got changed." Jayden asks looking down at me and I smile up at him a friendly smile.
"If you don't want to kick me out then no, I'd like to stay and chill as yous do work."
"Do you not have any work?" Max asks and I shake my head at him.
"I've done it all."
"Lucky." He mutters and Luce gets to her feet give Max a light kiss on the cheek as she sends me a pointed look and walks over to Jayden's sunbeds.
"I've been summoned." I laugh and tap Jayden's arm so he would let me go.
I walk around them and walk over to Lucy, barefoot and hissing slightly at the way the pavement was hot. I send her a smile as I lay down on the chair next to her.
"How are you feeling now?" She asks again, just in case my answer would be different just us.
"Honestly, I'm ok, the um, court room thing has gone so I'm good. Just tired."
"How come he was the only one to help?" She asks, genuinely curious.
"It wasn't him specifically, I was panicking that Jayden and Max were in the room, as I guess in my mess, I associated them with Layton. So I needed them to get out, I needed to be alone but Jackson doesn't um, I don't think I'll ever be afraid of him."
"Even though the last time you talked you were screaming at each other?" Lucy asks. "Max said Jackson didn't even hesitate when he told him you weren't ok, he just paled and ran up to the room. As if he knew where you'd be."
My heart was aching and I don't know why. Why did it hurt to hear this?
"Luce I don't know what to say to you. Oh, and um." I laugh awkwardly. "We went for a drive yesterday and talked a little bit, it didn't particularly end well but I just- we are just always going to be there for each other I guess."
"I just don't get it." Lucy laughs kindly and I frown a little.
I knew my relationship with Jackson was a little, um, unstable? But she didn't really even need to understand.
"It's just how it is with us. I don't know either."
"I'm going to go and lay down next to Jayden, but I'll come back in a little bit." I say and she shakes her head at me in amusement.
"You're going to cuddle up to Jay, in front of Jackson?"
"It's not like that." I sigh. "Jackson doesn't care if I fall asleep on Jay."
"When I said I don't get it, I wasn't criticising. I just meant, when I met you, you were so in love with this guy that when I got to know the group he was a lot different to how you described him. And I just worry that you're blinded by what you used to feel for him, by your guilt of hurting him. I just. You're in charge. You got it?"
"I understand Lucy and I know you must see me as a bit of a mug, but nobody will understand my friendship with Jackson. So much happened between us when it was just us. Nobody saw it because we hid it, because I wasn't able to show him how I felt because I wasn't ok. But you're saying that these things are blinding me, but I just believe they're making me see everything a lot clearer."
"If you were seeing things clearer, you'd know that you going to sleep on Jay is most definitely going to stir Jackson up."
"Jackson needs to be reminded of emotions at the moment anyway." I shrug and she grins at me.
I walk away before she can comment more and laugh when I can hear her chuckle behind me. I smile at Jayden when I walk back up to the boys and sit back down, bringing my legs up to my chest.
"Can I lie back down?" I say to Jay and he just nods once.
Jayden has been in my life for years and I just want to go back to feeling peaceful, which is how I felt when I had my music on and was resting close to him.
I settle down and I don't bother to look at anyone, my head falls back to his leg and he gently runs his fingers through my hair as I turn my music back on, singing along to it in my head.
I don't really know when I actually fell asleep, but when I felt Jayden shake me awake I was way too disorientated. Max laughs at my face and my eyes meet Jackson's as I rubbed the sleep from my face, the sun was still shinning and I honestly had no idea how long I had been asleep for.
"What's the time?" I ask as I sit up and turn towards Jayden.
"It's just gone four, I'm sorry I bugged you." He laughs at my unhappy face and explains. "Mum just called and asked me to go grab her prescription before it shuts for the day."
Jayden stands up and I immediately feel a little confused. "You're going?"
"I'll be right back." He shakes his head at me and I rub my eyes again.
I always feel so confused after waking up from a nap, especially when I wake up in Jayden's lap, with Max and Jackson's amused eyes looking at me.
"Okay." I say and I lay back down on the sofa, my head this time against the end rested on a cushion. Jayden leaves to grab his things from inside.
I was actually really really tired. I look at Jackson carefully and watch as his attention gets back to his work, he checks the sources next to him and easily types away.
So effortlessly.
Jayden throws me a blanket, as he comes back outside after grabbing his things.
"I'll see you in like fifteen minutes, tops." He announces to everyone. "Nobody burn the house down, or let my work blow away."
Max laughs at him and Jackson just nods once. I press play on my music once again and smile when the script comes on, the song that Jackson and I started dancing and singing to in my kitchen.
I feel Jackson's eyes on my face and I open my own eyes and meet his gaze. He looks away and instead of closing my eyes again I hum a noise to get his attention. His face turns towards mine expectedly and I lift my phone outside of the blanket and show him the song that I'm listening to and he just smiles at me.
Suddenly his eyes turn conflicted and I frown. That wasn't meant to make him confused, just simply a reminder of the little good moments of last year.
Jackson's eyes travel around my confused face and then dart to Max's. Max is just writing some notes down, his own earphones keeping him occupied.
Jackson slowly pushed his laptop and notes towards my end of the table and he gets up and walks towards me. I watch him wide eyed as he nudges my shoulder and I sit up for him. He sits down next to me and I try not to gasp as I feel his hands grab my hips and lift me onto his lap.
What is he doing?
I immediately relax into him as the familiarity of his presence, of his chest and arms makes me want to hide myself away from him. My heart was starting to pick up and although he was so fucking comfy, his presence made me feel so much more awake than I was before.
When he placed me in his lap, my back was leant against the end of the sofa and I lean into him more. My legs also tucking themselves close to his body. I was almost in a foetal position pressed against him and I can't help but press my hand against his chest over his heart.
I just wanted to know if my presence was also making him feel like this.
Whatever I was feeling.
It was beating fast, like mine. And so at least I didn't feel alone.
"If you can sleep on Jay and it not mean anything, then you can sleep on me." He whispers and brings my legs closer inwards to us and fixes the blanket so we were fully covered.
My head was inches from his so I just let out a breath and place it on his shoulder, my forehead against his neck.
Why did this feel so god damn normal.
This wasn't normal.
Jackson didn't want me near him.
May I say that this boy is a head fuck?
I know I had my head on Jay's lap, but it was very different than sitting on his lap and cuddling against his chest, my head against the nook of his neck.
Jackson acting unfazed, was able to pull his laptop closer and continue typing. As if I wasn't wrapped around him.
My hand lifts itself away from his chest and I bring both up so I can type on my phone, I reply to a few messaged from my friends from St Patricks and just scroll sleepily through my phone.
When I get bored, my head lifts slightly and looks at what Jackson is working on, just reading as he types and I try to ignore how much me being here wrapped in his arms is actually bringing me close to tears.
I don't know why. It just is.
It's as if I've just been reminded how different it feels with us. How even after everything, my body fits so perfectly against his.
I convinced myself that the emotion between Jackson and I was down to my trauma. That I had done exactly what my therapist told me not to do- bury myself in him.
But as I feel his heart beat against my side, as I feel the way my body just relaxes into him, as if it knows that it's him, and all of these familiar, overwhelming emotions come flooding back, I knew that what I felt last year wasn't something I imagined.
It wasn't something I used to hide behind, it was the most real thing I had ever felt.
And it wasn't because he had just helped me, it wasn't because I had just broken down, all those things had done is break my own walls, that I hadn't really been aware off, come crashing down.
I shouldn't feel like this is home, but I do.
And this was going to make everything so much more difficult.
I look up to Jackson's face and he doesn't take his eyes off his laptop, but he does bring his hands back over to us and places it softly on my ankle. I look over at Max and I guess this was when he notices our new position because his eyes widen and jump to mine.
He cocks his eyes at me and looks at Jackson's side profile. Obviously, Jackson doesn't acknowledge it and when Max lowers his eyes to meet mine again and I just shrug slightly at him. My shoulders moving under the blanket.
I don't know how we got here either.
Max takes us in for a second and then sends me a little smirk, and salutes me. I furrow my eyes at him and he just gets to his feet and wonders over to Lucy, who was still sunbathing at the opposite end of the garden.
And without an audience, I relax into him further and close my eyes. This was a lot better than sleeping on Jay, I wouldn't tell Jackson that though.
Jackson's hand on my ankle starts trailing my skin as he types one handed, reading through another source as he starts rubbing soft circles along my calf underneath our blanket.
His fingers on my legs made the hairs on my arms stand embarrassingly to attention. I squirm a little against him as he trails his fingertips up to the little space underneath my knee, edging to the underneath of my thigh.
I don't know if he was just aimlessly caressing my skin like he used to do, or if he was up to something. But my head was spinning and all I wanted was for him to carry on. Doing whatever he was doing, for whatever reason he was doing it.
"Jackson." I whisper and he immediately meets my eyes. I guess he hadn't meant to turn me on but as he takes in my face, he knows. And he shushes me.
And I just shamelessly open my legs for him a little under the blanket. He is still scrolling away through his historic source and I don't know what to do when I feel Jacksons fingertips open and close against the inside on my thigh.
My heart was beating so fast at the act and I knew the fire in the bottom of my stomach was desire. But, I also I knew it shouldn't have been there but I couldn't help it. It was him.
Jayden's sudden reappearance through the gate made Jackson's hand snake back from between my thighs and continue to type along with the other.
I was practically panting and he hadn't even touched me. Not properly.
So, when I see Max and Jayden returning from talking to Lucy, I close my eyes and let Jackson deal with them.
Let Jackson explain why the hell I was wrapped up in his arms and snuggled against his chest.
But the bloody boys don't even ask, they just sit down and carry on talking amongst themselves about their work. They don't act as if this was any different.
We were screaming at each other yesterday.
I'm not going to pretend I think this is Jackson letting me in, I'm not going to pretend I think this is a turning point. I just think this is him having a weak resolve today.
It reassures me, that as much as he might push me away, he deep down wants me here.
As Jayden and Max get back to work, Jackson's hand creeps back up to my thigh and begins the wondering again.
"You should stop moving your hands." I whisper sitting up more so that my lips were directly against is ear.
His hands stop immediately, but I gasp when he slowly increases the pressure he is using to grip my thigh. "This better?"
"Jackson." I sigh his name breathlessly into his ear and I watch as his other hand grips the garden table in front of us at the way I say his name.
It looks like I'm still asleep, my head on his shoulder, if anyone looked, the only think they could see would be the rise and fall of my chest.
He starts to rub slow circles into my thigh, slowly edging closer to the edge of my loose comfy shorts. His fingers spread suddenly and he presses his index finger over me, over my shorts and my underwear and my eyes fly open in surprise.
I was so ready for him to touch me that I wiggle unconsciously against him, trying to find the friction that I needed and sliding myself over his lap a little more obviously than I meant to.
His hand suddenly gips my legs to stop me moving and both of our eyes dart over towards Jayden and Max. They're not watching and I bring me eyes back up to see if he would meet mine, and when he does look down I'm almost floored by the dilatation of his pupils.
He was so turned on and it was fucking mad that this is how this awful day has ended up.
Is this just being reckless?
Again?
Jackson looks away and with his free hand he gently pushes my head back into his neck and I wanted nothing more to move my lips. But I kept them away from him, as if I unconsciously knew that it would be over if I kissed him.
He starts moving his hand upwards against and tugs on my shorts quickly, making more access to me and I bite my lip trying not to let out an embarrassing moan as he moves the material covering me to the side.
We most definitely should not be doing this.
But fuck me, it feels so different with him. It's all ten times more intense, his hands light a fire in me, that not even fun casual sex could light.
I unconsciously slide one of my legs away a little and open myself up for him.
His head suddenly turns and he places his forehead on mine and whispers "You're going to make a mess Ives." He whispers, referring to the wetness oozing out of me.
This man is fucking hot and I hate it.
Jackson smirks as I let out a little cry when his fingers trail along my slit and he hold me down so I don't buckle against him as he slides two of his fingers into me. Not even touching my clit, he just wants to show me how badly I want him. How ready I was for him.
"You're driving me insane." I whisper and his eyes flicker down to mine and his desire is prominent. His almost panicked eyes leave mine and looks over to his friends. I don't even bother to look, I purposely contract around his fingers and a small smirk settles on his face.
"Good."
His fingers slide out of me and trail upwards, and I honestly could cry at the ripple of pleasure that spreads through me as he circles them where I want to feel him most. He replaces his fingers with his thumb, and pushes them back into me again as he touches my clit and I just squeeze my eyes together.
Not knowing how to express the pleasure I was feeling as Jackson's left hand was holding me tightly against him and his right carried on pleasuring me secretly under the blanket, I grip onto him my nails digging in.
My urgent grip on his arm encourages him to increase his pace when he circled my clit and began moving his fingers in and out of me. And I gasp as the pressure builds and I have to stop him before I get there.
Because I couldn't cry out in ecstasy, not here. I don't even know what's going on. But my hips keep lifting slightly, quicker and quicker with his fingers and I grab onto his top to keep myself quiet.
"Jackson."
"Jackson."
"Jackson." I pant.
And if he doesn't stop now, i will fall apart on his lap and i know i cant keep in anymore moans, it was all building and he was going faster and pushing deeper and my legs were shaking trying so fucking hard to keep myself from climaxing.
"Jackson." My voice is a little louder than a whisper here and he immediately pauses his hands, even though my core is still beating against him.
It takes everything in me not to move myself so i could feel his fingers in me again.
"You need to stop, I can't be quiet." I whisper pant and his forehead connects back with mind as I open my eyes.
Our eyes are ablaze with so many emotions and I watch as his eyes trail my face, his hands slowly coming away from me. His eyes flicker down to my lips and I know the thought of pressing his lips against mine crosses his mind.
But then I watch it, the regret. His eyes stop blazing and his face retracts from mine. And I know I must be looking at him with panic, begging him not to do this.
"Don't hate me." He says and he lifts my body away from his.
I don't care who hears when my voice picks up.
"Don't you dare Jackson." I say as I watch him pack his things away.
"I'm so sorry." He says and he looks so fucking broken that I don't know what to do with myself.
"Stop." I say and he doesn't. He throws his bag over his shoulder and I glare at him. Openly, knowing Max and Jayden are now watching us intently.
Jackson's eyes look over to his friends as he clenches his jaw. He goes to walk away and I feel as my whole body deflates on the sofa, the blanket wrapped around my shoulders.
My heart pauses it's quick decent into anger, when Jackson stops in the middle of the garden.
He turns around and marches back over to me.
He takes my face in his hand and in front of his friends he lays a kiss on my forehead and looks me in the eyes. "I'm sorry. Please don't hate me. It's just too dark at the moment."
He says this and watches me for a few more seconds and then he drops my face and walks away, not saying goodbye to anyone else as he walks out the back gate, not looking back once.
And I'm left confused and fearful off what he meant by his darkness.
And horny, I'm left bloody horny.