Jase quickly moves his hand off of my waist, but by now it's too late- everyone just saw it, and besides, I'm wearing his sweatshirt like a dress, we're showing up together over an hour late, and we're both obviously hungover. Well, me more than him. You have to really study to find the dark circles under Jase's eyes, but I'm practically a walking hangover. From all of their perspectives, it must look like the two of us went partying, got drunk, and slept together.
Okay, so that's not exactly that much of a lie. But still. It's- what happened between Jase and I- it's summed up by a lot more than just a casual hookup. The memories fill me a warmth I didn't expect to feel even now, and besides, we didn't even-
The bell rings and I think I jump about three feet into the air- and I'm not alone. The entire student body seems to be jarred out of whatever weird spell they've been under, their shocked expressions turning to glares, whispers, shrugs... and then people start shuffling through the hallways like everything is normal.
Because for them... it is.
"I'll see you later," I mutter to Jase, darting away from him before he can say another word, thankful for once for my (lack of) height- it helps me slip through the crowd unseen. I really don't want to talk to Jase right now.
If he even wants to talk to me in the first place.
I barely make it twenty feet down the hallway when I'm stopped by a tall boy standing in front of me with a cold expression on his face. Noah. I can tell by the crease in his brow, the way he stands with his arms crossed, stiff as a board, that he's mad. But his brown eyes still light up like honey when the sun beams through one of the windows, and he still has the warm, normal feeling about him... and I want to hate myself for not wanting it, wanting him. I hate the fact that I can't just want to date a perfectly normal, attractive, nice boy who likes me back.
But his eyes don't gaze into me like Jase's. He doesn't make me feel things, make me feel like I'm the only one in the universe when I'm around him. And Noah's nice, but he isn't... he doesn't catch me off-guard with the smallest acts of kindness, ones I shouldn't even notice or care about.
Noah's stable. But after last night, I don't think I can ever just be content with stability.
"So," he says coldly, and the strange iciness in his tone are jarring enough to shake me from my thoughts. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
I look down at the ground. "This isn't kindergarten, Noah. I'm perfectly capable of saying whatever I want unprompted."
Noah just shakes his head, a humorless laugh escaping his lips. "Are you- are you fucking kidding me right now? You really- you just broke up with me, but you know," he scoffs, holding up his hands in air quotes, "'it has nothing to do with Jase, of course!' You know, if you didn't have feelings for Turner, you wouldn't have slept with him. And now you have the audacity to come lecture me about treating you wrong? That's bullshit, Sienna, and you know it. I mean, thank god we're done."
No. I was wrong- Noah isn't as nice as I've always assumed.
Though, I guess that's a bit justified. I was dating him as of yesterday... and I've been pretending Jase wasn't a problem in our relationship this entire time. When, judging by last night... 'a problem' doesn't even begin to cover it. "Noah," I say, meaning to add onto that statement, to find more words, to apologize and be angry all at the same time.
I can't have both, so I decide to go with angry. I never told anyone that Jase and I slept together, it was just assumed. And I don't exactly see Jase being accosted like this, I note, catching a glimpse out of the corner of my eye- all his friends trying to give him high-fives and whistles as he just rolls his eyes, pretending to revel in the attention... though I can feel his discomfort.
"Noah what? Are you even going to try and explain yourself?" I hear the boy standing right in front of me, the one I'm supposed to be talking to, say. I turn back just in time to watch him shake his head, sighing. "Fucking hell, Sienna. I'm just- I'm done. Go have your Jase Turner if that's what you really want- just don't say I didn't warn you when he doesn't stick around."
"Yeah?" I retort, trying to find something clever to say before he disappears into the crowd. "Well at least he doesn't make stupid assumptions about people that aren't true! Jase and I didn't sleep together!"
Noah just shakes his head, slipping away from me and getting lost in the masses of students clambering to their first class.
Ughhhhhhhhh.
It's a strange feeling, knowing that every eye is on you. Knowing that, as people part for you like the Red Sea, laughing and whispering to their friends, giving you eye rolls or glares, you've somehow gone from being one of them to being the object in the display case.
I guess I just always assumed that those girls liked being stared at. That they liked the gossip and rumors and jealousy, the negativity feeding their fragile, narcissistic egos. That they were all just sluts who could do no better than sleeping around and getting attention.
But now that it's what everyone must think about me...
I realize I was wrong this whole time. Because maybe there is no such thing as a slut or a whore- maybe the girls who walked this path before me were just as scared and intimidated as I am, were just making a choice for themselves... not looking for judgment from the whole school.
I always thought I was better than 'those girls,' but... am I? Are any of us?
I barely make it through Physics class without falling asleep, the exhaustion returning to me the second I sit down, even after the large coffee I drank on the ride over. Thankfully, the pounding in my head has subsided to a mere dull ache, and I can somewhat focus throughout the lecture, glad I chose a seat in the back of the room. Well... at least until the bell rings, and the rest of the class files out... I'm the last one to the door when Ms. Bridge taps me on the shoulder, making me jump, spinning around. "Y-yes?"
"Shut the door behind you, please, Sienna. I wanted to talk to you for a second," she says, giving me a slightly worried smile as I obediently close the door behind me.
"Is this about the last homework assignment? Because I realized right after I submitted it that I'd forgotten about how Newton's Law applies to-" I'm cut off by Mrs. Bridge holding a hand up.
"No," she says, and her voice is concerned, almost... patronizingly so. "Your last homework assignment was amazing, as always. However, I think we need to talk about... this situation." My teacher looks me up and down and suddenly, all becomes clear. She's not here to talk about my work, or my academic success... she's here to judge me for something that is none of her business. Great. That's just absolutely wonderful.
And it's certainly not like Jase is going to experience this, I'm sure. If anything, he'll just be praised for 'conquering' another girl.
I might actually scream.
"Sienna, dear..." Mrs. Bridge says, and I can see her fidgeting uncomfortably, "I've always known you to be a good student- and a smart girl. I wouldn't want you to go down the wrong path... bad decisions can stick with us for the rest of our lives, you know. If you ever want to talk about anything going on in your life, just let me know, alright?"
I nod, unable to say anything more. Tears well up in my vision, and it's all I can do to keep them contained as it is, biting down hard on my cheek to ground myself to reality until I taste blood. Mrs. Bridge is older, and I know that she would never, ever, ever try to make a student feel bad- she really just wants to help.
And that's what makes it all worse.
Without another word, I turn away from her and leave the classroom, my heart pounding slightly as I walk down the halls- there are so, so many eyes around me. All watching me, laughing at me. I have the hood of Jase's sweatshirt pulled up, but it doesn't help- it's like I can hear the whispers from a mile away. Everyone wants to know how Sienna Brown, the quiet, smart, shy girl, the 'good girl,' came to be here, sleeping with the biggest player in the school. Everyone's wondering if I was really ever such a 'good girl' after all.
Because we women can't fucking win, can we? Slut-shaming has always been something I've seen referred to in feminist articles, but I've never truly understood it until now... until I was the slut everyone was shaming, until people were deciding my worth and my value based on whether or not I'd had sex. And I want to shout it from the rooftops, yell "we didn't sleep together!" at the top of my lungs- but who would believe me anyways? Noah certainly didn't...
And it's really all just too much. I don't know how other girls have just been able to handle it, to put on a brave face... because I feel like the stares are slowly crushing me alive. It takes everything I have in me to make it to the bathroom, hoping that I can at least catch my breath for a second. The stares, the way Mrs. Bridge spoke to me... it's all left me with a jittery and unnerved feeling that I know will spiral into something worse if I don't stop it.
The bathroom is empty, save for one figure... a tall brunette that I instantly recognize to be Chrissa, a sigh of relief escaping me. Finally. The one person here who doesn't totally hate me.
Or so I think.
It takes a second for Chrissa to look up from her cell phone at me, but the instant she does so, I feel a chill go down my spine, like this moment is frozen in time. Her glare makes me shrink back for a second, eyes widening. I have to be making this up...
"H-hi, Chrissa."
"Don't even start," she snaps, her tone frosty. "Just leave me the fuck alone. I think that would be best for both of us."
So I guess I wasn't making this up.
"What do you mean? I didn't do anything," I respond, and I want to kick myself for how soft my voice sounds, how childlike and unsure.
"Yeah, you did a damn good job of convincing me that," Chrissa says, tossing her phone back in her purse- the one she bought with me at the mall last week. "You know... this entire time, I was waiting for you to slip up, say something about Jase. But no. You almost had me thinking that you were actually a loyal friend... I almost felt bad for assuming otherwise. And- last night? My girlfriend broke up with me, and I spent the night babysitting your best friend- who, by the way, completely hates me- just so that you could go have sex with my EX BOYFRIEND?" Chrissa's full-on yelling at this point, but she doesn't seem to care, her eyes continuing to blaze like a forest fire. "You know what? Fuck you, Sienna. You're just as much of a bitch as everyone says."
My mind is still reeling. "Did you just- did you just say that you only pretended to be friends with me at first so that you could find out if I was with Jase?"
Chrissa nods, a smirk coming across her face when she sees the hurt and betrayal that's probably all across mine. "Wow, no wonder you're an A+ student with that intellect. Do I have to explain 2+2 to you as well, or do you know that one? Or... here's something you probably don't understand: sleeping with your friend's ex-boyfriend is a complete break of girl code."
"I. Didn't. Sleep. With. Jase." My voice comes out like a growl, the fear and timidity gone. "But you know what? Even if I had, I wouldn't be breaking any sort of girl code. Because Jase isn't my friend's ex-boyfriend, as apparently we were never friends." With that, I turn on my heel, leaving the bathroom before Chrissa can say anything else- or before she can see the tears already stinging my cheeks, before she can notice the way my blood has started pumping in double time, filling my cheeks with a crimson-red heat that physically hurts, pounds against my temple. Before she can hear the breath hitching in my throat, I leave the bathroom, for once barely caring that everyone and their mother are watching me as I make my way to somewhere, anywhere, before it gets any worse. Before the fish-eye lens I seem to be seeing things through narrows even further.
Because it isn't an if now, it's a when. When everything I'm fighting so hard to keep inside of me finally gets loose, when the dam breaks and it all becomes too much and I let the panic overcome me.
I bite my cheek again, not stopping until the salty, metallic taste of blood is clear in my mouth, until the stinging brings even more tears to my eyes instead of grounding me. As I turn the corner to the next hallway, I see-
I see-
Seraphina, Janine and Himari, all standing in front of the staircase- the one I always take to get to Trig because it's the one that nobody else seems to use- I don't have to worry about not paying attention to where I'm going and then getting trampled to death by the football players.
But now, as I approach the girls... it's starting to feel more like a prison.
A smirk appears on Seraphina's face as I walk over, and I notice that one of her red heels is propping open the set of small double doors leading to a storage closet behind her. As I walk by, trying my best not to make eye contact, I feel her hand wrap around my wrist, a look of pure satisfaction on her face as I look up- she must have noticed how much I'm shaking.
"Hello there, Sienna," Janine says, her smile mirroring the one on Seraphina's face. "How are you doing today? I hear last night was... pretty eventful for you."
"F-fine," I mutter quickly, trying to wrench my hand away from Seraphina, but she's a lot stronger than me, and no sooner am I trying to break loose from her grip than Himari's opening the double doors and I'm being shoved into the small, dark room.
"You see," Seraphina says, as I try to struggle out of her grip, "I'm not sure you really are fine. Having sex is a big deal... especially when it comes to my boyfriend."
"J-Ja-Jase is- isn't your boyfriend," I try to say, but it feels like my mouth no longer knows how to speak the words, and Himari cuts me off, anyways. "That's why we've decided that it might be best if you have some time for yourself. To... reflect on things."
"But I don't-" I can't move, can't fight this, can't get them off of me- it's taking all of me not to collapse here and now.
"Catch ya later," Seraphina sings sweetly, shoving me all the way backwards onto the ground, quickly plucking a broom from the stack to my left. The doors shut and I'm plunged into darkness, hearing the sound of giggles and some sort of thumping noise- most likely one of them fitting the broom between the doors so that I'm essentially locked in here.
And then I don't hear anything at all.
"H-help!" I scream, an idiot for not having the presence of mind to do it earlier, to get away from the girls before it was too late... but even now my voice comes out raspy and breathy, my chest rising and falling rapidly, but with no air to back it up.
And then the dread comes. The fear, the thick blanket of panic as I realize... there's no way out. I'm really stuck in here forever and I can't breathe and I can't even fucking see anything and I'm going to be locked in here and- and never- never come out again because- because Jase and I- because Jase is-
I lean forward with all of my might, banging at the door with my right palm as tears stream down my face, but it's no use- no one's going to hear it, or care. I'm so weak right now that I can barely hear my palm slamming against the door even as the ache tells me that it truly is happening, can barely hear anything over the sound of my gasps, the breaths I'm trying to take, but I can't- I can't-
And all those stupid breathing exercises that therapist gave me go out the window because even though they're supposed to help with panic attacks, a series of fucking numbers does nothing faced against the pain splintering my chest, every single scared thought I've had in the past months being recycled back into my brain, forming the mantra I'm far too familiar with-
No- I can't- I can't- I can't- no- nononono- I can't-
In the movies, panic attacks are cute and romantic. They're little seconds of main characters being quirky or relatable-
While in real life, they just suck. Feeling like I'm going to pass out? It just sucks. The amount of effort it takes to move a single muscle of my body- it doesn't make me 'better than other girls.' Nobody should want this.
My palm slams against the wooden door one last time before it all becomes too much and I just sink down, my sobs becoming the only thing I can hear besides just how fucking alone I am.
"What the hell- Red?"
Bright light spills over me, washing over the floor I'm currently curled up on, bawling my eyes out as I shake like an idiot. I thought this couldn't get any worse... but judging by the fact that it's Jase Turner staring down at me...
I was wrong. Because this is even worse than being alone.
"What's going on? Why are you locked in here? Why are you crying?" Jase asks, and I flinch as he leans down, his fingers brushing against my forehead, pushing my hair back. I can't even choke out a single word, but somehow he seems to realize that asking me about it again isn't a good idea, pulling the door mostly shut behind us so we're still enveloped in darkness before placing his hand back on my forehead, the coolness of his fingers heavenly against the excruciating heat I'm feeling. It's like I've been set on fire.
"Is this okay?" he asks, his other hand behind my shoulder, slowly lifting me up as I nod, until my face is pressed into his shirt, still gasping just as hard as ever.
"Red," he says softly, "breathe."
I try to tell him no, that breathing is the most impossible thing I could possibly think of doing right now, that my lungs simply won't accept air, but all that comes out is "I can't- I can't-"
"Yes. You can, actually."
But he's wrong. I can't do anything right, can't even breathe, I can't-
"I can't- J-Jase, I-"
His arms loosen their grip on me and he places a hand on my collarbone. "Breathe. In." It's less of a request and more of an order, but now isn't really a time for me to be lecturing him on not acting like an entitled brat- instead, I take a lurching, panic-filled breath in, and feel my rib cage tighten underneath me. It's not exactly good, but it's better than nothing.
"Perfect. Now out," Jase says, and I nod.
It takes what feels like an hour but is probably only twenty minutes and several relapses of tears and hyperventilating before I feel at all back to normal...
Though, I guess 'normal' isn't very accurate. I'm still pressed into Jase, leaning against him as if he's the only thing holding me up, but now that the panic is gone, I'm left feeling the aftereffects- the emptiness. It's strange, to be so high on emotion and anxiety and synapses one minute, and so drained and exhausted the next. It's like something gets taken out of me every time it happens, leaving me with... nothing.
Well, nothing plus a healthy dose of complete humiliation.
"Jase.." I mumble, pulling myself away from him and wiping the last of the tears off my face, even though he probably can't see it in the dark, "I'm fine now. We should- we should go. You probably have a class to get back to, and I-"
"Nope," Jase says, and I think I can barely make out a hint of a smile on his face in the darkness. "I have a free period right now, so... I guess you're just stuck with me. And you can either go wandering around the halls looking like you just cried for half an hour straight, or you can... talk to me. I even have chocolate"
"Tha-that's not really much of a choice," I mumble back, hating to admit the fact that I want to stay here with him... but it's true. "Chocolate beats everything."
A/N: All I have to say is... poor Sienna. Also poor me because it's 11:30 and I was going to go watch a movie tonight but it is already WAY too late for me to be up (yes, I'm a grandma, we already knew this) and now I'm very very tired (in case you were wondering why this is even more trash than usual).
But mostly... just poor Sienna. However, don't worry. There will be some good times coming soon after this.
Followed by some more bad times. But we don't need to talk about that.
Also, what did you guys think of this chapter? I know it was a bit excessively lengthy and probably just me rambling, but how did you feel about the slut-shaming Sienna faced?
If you enjoyed, please feel free to let me know with a vote/comment :) also we're almost at 4K reads, which... AAAH! it makes my heart happy and thank you guys so so much!
Okay, I'm going to publish this now before I actually fall asleep
Love you guys and see you soon,
-Meeeeeee