🎵 Lights Out - CHEN / EXO ♥️
= When the breathing gets hard and the tears come up, you can confide in me and cry. You can do that because it'll all pass. Fall asleep in my arms, you don't have to wake up. Morning will come again so you can dream in peace. =
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I should have known better when Ga In approached me claiming that she wanted to be friends. We first met at a dance class I signed up outside of school, but Ga In wasn't even my age, she was two years older. The numbers didn't matter because I thought we got along really well, or because she made it seem like it.
Now everything was too late. I trusted her too easily without suspecting that she had a scheme all along.
I trusted a bitch.
"I hope you live in hell," I cursed at her.
Ga In grabbed my collar and pulled me towards her. "I will send you to hell first," she snarled and raised her hand to hit me. I shut my eyes in fear of the pain coming until I heard sirens in a distance.
"Shit!" Guy one cursed. "How did they know?!"
"Hae In, we need to go." Guy two turned to us, obviously calling for Ga In. That's when I knew that even the name I knew this bitch by was fake all along. She dropped me to the ground unwillingly and finally stepped away.
"How did they find out?!" She snapped at them.
The attention went to guy two for a second as he looked down at a phone. "H-Her phone..." he muttered.
Guy one slapped him on the back of his head harshly and bellowed. "You idiot! I clearly told you to turn it off!" Without hesitating, he snatched the phone from guy two and smashed it on the ground. "Let's go before the cops track us down."
"What about her?" Ga In pointed at me. Or Hae In. What the frog ever.
"What? You wanna drag her along? You already said she's useless!" Guy one said. "Taking her with us just adds trouble."
"We can't just leave her here! She's evidence that'll ruin us all!" Ga In voiced out frustratedly.
"The dead can't speak," guy one said without even blinking. He conveniently reached a barrel in the room and began splashing some liquid out. Flammables, most likely, and I was panicking more than ever to see this happening in front of me. There was nothing I can do but watch. "Help out now, will you!" He barked at guy two to get him moving along.
In just a few seconds, they had the floor splashed all over. I was begging for them to spare me but no one listened. Ga In stood there frozen while watching the guys cause a scene. She wasn't moving or speaking as if the crime was suddenly against her conscience.
"Ga In," I was suddenly pleading, thinking that it could be my last. She seemed to be my only hope. I cried my heart out miserably, begging the person I now hated most on Earth.
"P-Please... let me live," I trembled uncontrollably. "I-I won't say a word. I won't do anything. I won't remember anyone, n-not you or them. I'll promise you. I j-just..." I cried harder that the words were choking me up. She was staring back at me, frowning hard as if she was struggling to make a choice.
The sound of sirens were approaching.
"Hae In, what are you doing? I said let's go!" Guy one yelled at her. They were waiting for her at the exit to take flight. Ga In finally made her choice and walked out.
Eventually, she chose to leave with them.
I watched with my own two eyes as guy one pulled out a matchstick, lit it up and tossed it over. The ground caught flames immediately and spread like wildfire towards me. I looked around me, feeling the heat from the nearing fire prickling at my skin and wailed at the top of my lungs. I was desperate for rescue, knowing well that there was no way I could escape by myself in this condition.
That was when I saw a pocket knife sliding up to me across the floor, where I caught the last glimpse of Ga In before she completely vanished behind the door. At that moment, I was thankful. I hated myself for feeling thankful to the one who almost got me killed, but I still was. Whether or not she did that for me or her own conscience, I thanked her in my mind.
And that was the last time I ever saw her.
...
I opened my eyes again, perspiring all over. My breath was harder than usual as I faced up to a familiar ceiling, then realising that I was still in the girl's dorm, and this was just a nightmare. I turned to check that Lia and Hera were still sound asleep in their beds and I was in mine.
Safe, I tell myself, but images of that night flashed into my eyes again. I couldn't undo nor control the things running through my head. Like a horror film, it replayed every vivid detail in my consciousness, once again raking up every negative emotions I had in me.
Anger, hatred, disgust, fear, sadness, loneliness. Everything.
Before I could endure it, warm tears forced its way out my eyes, blurring my vision completely. I cupped my mouth tight to muffle my uncontrollable cries and felt waves of hopeless depression pang my heart.
I badly needed an outlet but the situation now couldn't call for it. All I could do was scream in silence to myself.
For a while, my chest pained at the memory I never wanted to remember. That incident was everything that made me wish I never existed. It always reminded me, cruelly, how I was used by a friend, kidnapped for money, abandoned by my parents because I was less than their blood sweat money, and almost killed simply because I had no other value to the bad guys. Back to the day in that situation, I was made less than a human.
And for that, I had wished so badly to die.
I really did, but my anger consumed me more than to resort to that. I knew very well that suicide would only prove me weak and prove them right - the kidnappers, Ga In and even my parents, that my life was worthless - and I wasn't going to let that be a fact. From what crushed me and left me at the bottom of the pit, I had to force myself out and find a new reason to keep breathing. That process took a year, away from school, and it eventually made me stronger and clearer in the head.
I realized, I had to do live my life right for them to see how much they had to lose. I had to be successful, and much more. That was why I pursued this dream. To become a figure that people would love and respect for everything I am, because I am worth it.
Worth more than a ransom. Worth more than a year-long friendship.
For an hour, I did nothing in bed but stare into the ceiling to let myself numb from my broken past. This had to happen every time the nightmare did me.
When the tears stopped, blinking made me feel the dryness in my eyes. Feeling calmer now, I raised the bottom side of my left hand to view at eye level. A scar about 2 inches long diagonally below my wrist was still visible even though it had faded a little over the years. I always concealed it with my concealer in the day, but at night, at times like this, the ugly mark would become all so clear.
I stared at it, wishing that the nightmare could finally come to an end, and not be a recurring memory to haunt me every time.
But the scar was always a reminder that shit did happen. That it was what kept me alive. The scar from the pocket knife that I madly scraped against myself to free from the ropes and to get out of the fire safe.
I exhaled heavily and rested my forearm on my forehead, thinking that at least... I'm still alive.
When going back to sleep wasn't an option anymore, I headed out to get some fresh air. Time check, it was Saturday, half-past 5 am and I was strolling aimlessly. Before I knew it, my feet had brought me back to Sapphire.
This place reminded me so much of Jongdae, but I couldn't hate it.
As much as I decided to avoid him, I was comforted by the space. Whenever I was lonely, whenever I needed to rant, this was the place I wanted to go. I debated for a while and eventually decided to enter. It was 5 in the morning so I was almost certain that he wouldn't be around.
Of course I was wrong.
I opened the door to see Jongdae sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, facing up to the ceiling, and his elbows straightened, resting on his knees. He turned to see who I was and broke into a smile at the sight of me. "Jisoo ya."
I stunned for a bit when we exchanged looks. I really, really didn't expect him to be here and I hadn't planned what I was going to do. "Sorry," I quickly let out. "You can have the room." I grabbed the knob and stepped back out to close the door.
"I was waiting for you," he said before I could shut the door completely. It was three-quarter closed when I paused.
I clenched the knob tighter, thinking of an excuse out of this until he suddenly pulled opened the door from his side, pulling me along. I yelped and tripped forward, falling into his arms as the door revealed Jongdae standing there in time to catch me. Our bodies hugged at once, and I inhaled the fresh scent of his clothes. Boy I instantly fell in love with the clean smell of his soap mixed with the smell of his baby skin.
I did not just say that.
I gasped, realising our situation and quickly pushed myself off of him. "I'm sorry!" I fixed myself, leaving a safe distance between us.
"Me too," he cleared his throat. We made eye contact briefly and shied away at the same time. I could totally feel my face burning. It even made me forget what we were talking about - were we talking about something?
Awkward silence filled the air.
"I mean," I broke out the silence, annoyed at my own heart fluttering. "Why would you suddenly pull open the door?"
"I didn't think you were still holding the knob."
"You could've been more gentle! You literally yanked it wide open," I tried to reason.
Jongdae eyed me for a bit before glowing with a smile. "I thought you were sorry," he said.
It made me rethink what I just said. "I am," I stubbornly stated, looking away when I realised I kind of contradicted myself.
"I thought you were going to run away again," Jongdae stepped towards me. "You can try to do that but just know that I would chase after you." It made me look back at him and wonder how much more persistent he could get. "So stop hiding," he exhaled. "Talk to me even if you're mad. I want to hear it from you."
That expression, that gentle voice, and the sincere look from his eyes... melted down my walls. I was so tempted to throw my arms around him and cry a fountain for what happened tonight but I was also afraid that I would end up depending on him.
Just when I finally learned to deal with everything myself, Jongdae came walking into my life. Walking in like it was an easy thing for him to do when it took me so long to adjust. Hanging out with me like he could do to anyone else when he had taken a special place in my heart. Talking and laughing with me when he wasn't even honest about who he was.
No matter what his intentions were, Jongdae seemed like a male version of Ga In. I should despise that, I was supposed to, and I really wanted to but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Not when he's standing before me, pleading me to talk to him.
"We can't be friends," I finally spoke in the midst of my conflicted feelings. "I just can't deal with you."
After Ga In's incident, I have been cautious with my choice of friends and the people I interact with. Trust or kindness wasn't in my dictionary until I met Jongdae, and for once, I had faith that Jongdae wasn't the type of person who would ever let me down. As much as I had been selective, I gambled my choices on Jongdae... only to find out that he was someone much much more, and I was a French fry.
"Why not? Because I'm a celebrity?"
"Because you lied."
"I didn't lie, you assumed. I just didn't correct you," Jongdae stated. I frowned at his boldness to even point that out.
"You hid the truth from me when you obviously knew that I was mistaken about you. You made me believe that I made a friend." My voice grew with agitation.
"I am your friend!"
"You're not just a friend!" I exclaimed, blinking to myself. What the heck am I saying?
I sighed, getting tired of hiding my emotions. It was so hard to fake ignorance when Jongdae was studying me this closely. Every rash comment I made revealed a little more and I needed to make closure before this conversation got too deep.
"I don't deal with people who can't be true to me, Jongdae. I have scars and you remind me of them. It's uncomfortable," I resisted my tears, swallowing the lump in my throat. "You make me uncomfortable." I couldn't look at him with those last words. But he wasn't leaving even after I said those hurtful words.
Why isn't he leaving? Was I not hurtful enough?
Staring at the ground, I watched Jongdae take two big steps towards me and in the next second, pulling me into a hug. He wrapped me under his arms, gently drew my face onto his chest and softly patted my back. Comforting me as if it was a normal thing for him to do. As if hugging me wasn't a big deal. As if he knew that I needed it. I closed my eyes and allowed the feeling to sink in.
I shouldn't be closing my eyes, I know I shouldn't, but I still did.
The warmth exuded off of him, the scent of him mixed with his clothes, the subtle movement of his chest as he breathed and the tingly feeling of his heartbeat... every little thing about him was stirring me up. And I didn't just need this hug, I loved it. I didn't realise how fragile I was but the moment of embrace was all it took to break me down.
Round 2 of tears, but this time, crying was easy. It was comfortable, natural and relieving unlike the first time where I was practically choking.
So this was what real comfort feels like.
"I'm going to make sure you feel comfortable around me again, Jisoo. I'll help you heal those scars, no matter how long it takes." He looked down at me and wiped my tears away. He didn't even know what scar it was but I was starting to believe him again. "And you're still mistaken about one thing."
I pulled away from him completely, frowning again. "About what?"
Just when Jongdae was going to speak, his loud growling stomach cut him off. I looked down at it where he held his tummy right away. I almost forget that a perfect man like him was still human, and I had to hold back my smile.
He cleared his throat, "how about we discuss this over breakfast?"
"What?" I squinted my eyes, sniffing away the remnants of tears. "No, I'm not here to eat with you."
"Don't you want to know?"
About what I was mistaken about? Hell yes.
I stood straighter, facing him. "Tell me now. Don't beat around the bush."
"I'll tell you over breakfast, come on." He was going to lead me out again but I stopped him.
"No, just tell me now," I said louder, blocking his way. I hated that he succeeded in making me curious, but no way I was letting him get his way.
"I'll tell you if you eat with me," Jongdae brought his face closer to me.
Did he think threatening me like that would work?
I inched even closer towards him. "I said," I stomped on his foot taking him by a pain surprise, "I'm not here to eat with you. If you won't tell me, forget it then." I huffed and watched him wince at his feet before turning to leave.
Jongdae chased me up to the door and slammed his hand against the door frame to prevent me from crossing. I stopped as his arm barrier propped to my eye level, and the first thing I saw was veins striking out his muscular arm.
And I gulped.
"You said that I wasn't true to you," Jongdae pointed out, sighing. Think he gave up trying to convince me for early breakfast. "But I've never been more comfortable around here until I met you." He lowered his arm and stood properly before me, blocking the exit entirely, which matters a lot because now I can't run if I wanted to. "Look," he started again. "I may have lied about my identity, but everything else that I said and did to you was real."
I frowned, not wanting to listen to his reasons because deep down I knew I really wanted to believe him. I was so close to forgiving him.
"If only you told me earlier," I muttered, shaking my head in regret. "If only you told me right from the start, it would be so much easier to stay away."
"Why are you trying to stay away?"
"Because you're," I paused to think.
Why exactly?
Knowing that Jongdae had fooled me once, I didn't want to give him another chance to think that I was that easy. After what happened with Ga In, my life worked that way. I simply didn't want to get along with people who think they can fool me. "Because I don't want to trust you," I let out softly.
Again and again, my eyes lowered to the ground. Jongdae didn't have to know how much I meant the opposite of everything I said.
It might sound like a stupid reason to him but that was the way my life sailed for the past few years. Keeping toxic people out. Staying out of people's interests. Doing absolute nothing to gain their favours and doing the opposite so that they know not to mess with me. I only do what I want to get where I set my eyes on.
"Liar," he said, which made me react. "Every time you say things like that, you won't look at me."
"That's not true, I-I can say it straight in your face that I-"
"Either that, or you would hesitate." He crossed his arms.
Is he going detective on me all of a sudden?
"That's not true!" I argued louder.
Before I could retaliate, Jongdae cupped my mouth and pushed me back into the room, trapping me against the wall behind the door. My eyes widen at his sudden domination and I was about to say something when he sent me a hush sign with his index finger on his lips. That was when I heard footsteps come by.
"Hello?" A guy voice sounded this time. "Anyone in here?"
It completely reminded me of the time we almost got caught together by Sohee. But this time, he was the one pinning me against the wall. Wow.
Jongdae and I stayed silently still as I prayed for the guy to quickly leave. I can't get caught spending early morning with a celebrity because that just sounds scandalous.
When I heard the door open slightly more, I frantically tugged the sides of Jongdae's shirt and pulled him towards me. Our bodies gently bumped as Jongdae rested his hands on the wall, trapping me in between. I stiffened tenfolds at our body contact and expected Jongdae to step back a little but he stayed there. Looking back at him, I was extremely wary that we were inches apart before our lips could touch.
If only I'd tiptoe...
I looked elsewhere before my thoughts would run, desperately in need of a distraction. When his body leaned towards me more, I glanced back up to see him serving me his charismatic gaze. Those deep black eyes in sparkles was doing a lot to my heart, and the erratic pounding made me wonder if I was even okay. My heart was drumming so loud that I think I could hear myself.
This wasn't normal. It wasn't normal that I was only seeing him and only him, when everything around him was grey.
I studied him longer. Every feature of him was art, from his naturally parted fringe dropping down to his eyebrows, I traced around his sharp nose, high cheekbones, milky skin, lips that looked soft...
I gulped unintentionally, not sure if he noticed but he lit up a smile right away. We locked eyes in the next second and I saw my reflection in his eyes. This man was absolutely captivating and impossible for me to break away.
Just... why is he so gorgeous?
I bit my lip in, knowing that I was in deep trouble. Trouble because I keep letting myself be deceived by his looks even though I knew that this was wrong.
"Jisoo," he called me.
"Uh?" I blinked, then realising that the lights were out and Jongdae had stepped back from me.
"You okay?" He asked, waving in my face. I nodded back, still a little lost at how everything changed so fast. Or because I was too deep in thought. "And... about breakfast," he sighed.
"Okay," I replied a little too slow to his previous question. Uh oh. I turned flustered when I saw his face change brighter. "I-I mean, okay to what you said earl-"
"-Breakfast with me?" Jongdae smiled gleefully that made me not want to break his bubble. "Come on," he took my hand, firmly. "Stop saying no. You already stepped on my feet once."
I glanced down to our hands and silently appreciated his touch. So mesmerised at the moment that I didn't want to pull away or argue with him further. Before I could respond, he pulled me along to wherever and I ended up following him off like an obedient little girl.
What happened to staying away?
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