🎵 Money - DAWN
= Who will fill my empty soul? If money can't buy happiness, how does one live? If I ask for answers, would that make me a snob? =
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EXO... CHEN... Jongdae... EXO... CHEN... Jongdae... CHEN... JONGDAE?
The girls were all squeaking and fangirling at him. Jongdae- no, Chen, no, I mean the coach, made his way to the chair that was prepared at the center of the room while thanking every girl for their praises.
There he sat in the spotlight, presenting his godly smile to others while I remained on the ground, helpless and in great turmoil.
"We didn't just meet like this. You were the reason we met." I remember how his words used to caramelize my heart but it stings me bitterly now.
"No matter what happens, you're still Jisoo and I'm still Jongdae, okay?" When he said this, did he expect me to be surprised at the news for a minute and let it go the next second?
Because no, shit happens, and that was not 'no matter' to me.
I stared, muted at the truth before me and felt myself becoming smaller and smaller. Unlike the girls in the room, happiness was the last thing I could feel. My emotions were stirred in confusion, embarrassment, sadness, betrayal, and much more unexplained. I thought I was getting to know him until he suddenly showed up being another guy and an idol at that. This man was not the man I knew, he was a total stranger.
My chest strained, and I couldn't smile thinking that the moments we shared were bliss anymore. I was a fool to speak my mind to a person who wasn't truthful to me, who knew my situation when I didn't know his, who comforted me when he was the centre of the universe and I was Pluto.
It felt like I had stripped naked to a person fully clothed.
"Hey?" The nearest girl tapped me. Everyone's eyes were suddenly on me, including Jongdae's. "He's calling you," she continued. I stared back at him with no expression. He seemed confused at my blank expression when I didn't know what emotion to show.
"Why me?" I muttered louder than I thought.
"What do you mean why you? He asked all of us to each sing a line! You're next, dumbass." The girl hissed softly at me. Took me a while to notice she was one of Yuri's chipmunks from earlier.
I blinked aimlessly and searched for my lyrical sheet. All of a sudden, I couldn't do without it. My mind was far away and I suddenly couldn't remember the song we were doing. Just like this, my practice in the last two hours vanished into thin air. It was as if I got disconnected from my reality and I couldn't find my way back. Tears started to fuzz up my vision and I grew more insecure by the second. Everything in this situation seemed against me and I wanted to hide.
"Jisoo, what are you doing?! You're supposed to..." The same chipmunk kept going at me. I needed to get my shit together but I couldn't do it in here so I stood up abruptly, and the chipmunk finally stopped yapping.
I didn't want to look rude in the middle of class so I afforded one glance at him. The coach. "Sorry, I need the restroom." I blurt out an excuse and ran out.
Again, I was at the restroom staring at myself in the mirror today. "I'm not going to cry," I reminded myself.
I wasn't going to look easy just because that guy thought he managed to fool me. Why should I even be upset? All I had to do was act like I don't care. He is just a coach who knew me earlier than the other trainees, nothing more. My nose went red as I revisited the memory of us.
... When he smiled and reached out his hand to formally introduce himself. "Nice to meet you, I'm Jongdae."
When he explained so calmly that he knew the members. "I told you, I work with them. It's no surprise for me to be there."
When I told him that the vocal coach was from EXO and he chuckled back at me, "You're the first person I know who gives that kind of reaction."
"WAIT! I mean, you can search him up if you want, but if he really is the one who saw you, wouldn't it make you feel anxious all week?" When he stopped me from googling his identity on my phone, and I believed his reasons so easily.
I cupped my mouth, also thinking about the time I talked about Chen being my EXO bias too. God, he must've been laughing at me on the inside the whole time.
"What about my voice? What do you think?" He even asked and I pushed out that possibility.
"Can you sing? Probably not, right? If you could, you'd already be an idol with that pretty face." I even joked about it when it turned out to be true.
... Yet I still said I have a knack with sounds when I can't put two and two together.
I snorted at myself. What a fool I am for me to think I made a new friend and having the hopes that he and I could be something more.
Or did I just get played?
My mood changed entirely and I didn't want to probe deeper into that thought. It would only make me weak, and there was no way I would let anyone think that of me. I took the time to wash my face, freshen up, and then returned to class bringing out my usual RBF.
Whoever the coach was, I was not going to let it affect me.
"Can you sing the first line for us? At your own pace, remember to draw on the emotions too," coach instructed me. For the time I was gone, everyone had showcased a bit of their singing and I was the only one left.
I breathed in and out, staring at the song sheet in my hand and tried not to let his presence affect me. "A long, empty road with no end in sight," I sang, remembering that this song carried a sad element and now I had to bring them out. "I'll stay with you while you are walking on it..." I caught my breath in between, "I'll wait for you at the end of the tough day, and keep with your pace." I croaked at the ending few words.
I wasn't going to dwell on my emotions but it naturally flowed out together. I tried to swallow back any emotional trace I left out but the huge ball of fuzziness stuck at my throat. Even after clearing my throat multiple times, it wouldn't go away.
When I heard nothing after I ended, I glanced up to find him staring back at me with his lips sealed. How am I supposed to interpret that moment of silence?
I challenged his stare without speaking and it only made the tension between us, and all the girls in the room, stronger.
"That," he finally spoke out, tearing away from my grudging stare. "That was an excellent example. Did the rest of you notice how her voice went strong on some parts and soft over others? A good start for many of you is to familiarise the lyrics and learn which words to stress on. The key is to find the words that can pull out the emotion at the right time."
I could sense the girls getting envious at me for getting his praise, but I couldn't feel good about it. I kept pacing back and forth in memory, questioning everything we talked about. Remembering his response to every little thing I told him about. How I was concerned about the vocal evaluation, how rapping made me lose faith, how unfair I felt... and how he comforted me like he wasn't part of it.
Heck, there was no way I could feel happy about all this.
The lesson went on for almost an hour, with me occasionally slipping out of reality and losing myself in thought. Refusing to look at him most of the time while the other girls shot lovey-dovey looks at him.
"Jisoo," he called my name out of all the girls available. I frowned down at the attention he gained me. I raised my head unwillingly and kept a straight face. "Mm?"
"You'll be the leader for this class. Please help the others out so they don't fall behind on today's lesson. We'll be meeting again for another lesson tomorrow at-"
"I don't want to," I voiced out. A little too bold, a little too rash, and a little too rude, but my emotions had more control over my manners.
"It's not a question," he looked back at me with those gentle eyes. That gaze used to portray his kindness but not anymore. "You're the best in class, you know your thing and you pick up the pointers faster than anyone. So please do your friends a favour, I want you guys to get better at this altogether."
They're not my friends... and I don't think you are too.
I avoided his eyes and nodded back without a word. It was hard to look at him and pretend that everything was okay.
"Alright, so keep practicing and rest well tonight. I expect to hear the chorus part from all of you tomorrow. It's gonna be hard because it requires breathing techniques. Remember what I taught you today, and don't strain your voice just to hit the high notes. Your lesson time will be after lunch, at 2 pm. Are we good?"
Good? Only reminded me of the time he said to me, 'that's good then. Because we could be together all night and no one would misunderstand'.
I frowned to suppress that memory. It used to sound pleasant but it sounds ridiculous now. How can he say things like that when he's an idol? Anyone would misunderstand if I got caught spending time with a guy like him.
The girls followed the coach out when he left but I stayed to myself, wondering over and over again how everything was possible. From beginning to end, why hadn't I suspect him at all? How dense must he think I am? How stupid was it for me to run away from EXO when he was an EXO member himself? Am I even hearing myself correctly?
...
The truth hurts. It always did. I just can't believe I fell for lies once and thought I'd be immune to it. I thought I had been guarding myself well - I kept my walls up high and I knew better to stay away from fake people. Still, I believed that Jongdae was different, but it turns out that he was not only different, he was an entire world apart.
If he came to me again to talk on a personal level, I might lose it. Because Jaehyun didn't call me a devil for no reason, and I don't know if the devil side of me will show. I learnt not to be nice because the truth was always ugly.
Kindness does not exist. Angels are delusional concepts.
"Jisoo ya."
I froze at the voice I knew. Before turning to face him, I already knew that Jongdae really came to me. Personally.
After the trainees were dismissed for the day, I hurried back to Sapphire to grab my belongings left in there. Not because I wanted to stay there, but because I wanted to get out of there. I didn't want Jongdae to find me so I had planned to avoid him at all costs. When I got my stuff and was about to leave, unfortunately, he found me.
"Jisoo," he called me again.
Can I not respond?
My hands were tight on the knob as I had just shut the door to leave but I didn't want to turn around to confront him.
"Hey... it's me," he got louder and I knew he was approaching me. I clenched my teeth and pivoted around, coming face to face with him right before me. Damn, I didn't expect him to catch up to me this quickly. We locked eyes for a second before I took a step back. My back bumped against the door, but whatever. Not a good moment to feel anything else.
"I'm tired, can you leave?" I bluntly said but it wasn't a question.
"You're mad," Jongdae said. I shut my eyes for a second to calm myself. A lot of thoughts were churning in my head, and they weren't exactly positive. "I'm sorry if it made you mad," he continued, "but please talk to me."
I glanced up and firmly responded, "I don't think we should be talking."
"Jisoo," he reached down for my hand but I quickly shifted away from him and the door. Time to plan my escape.
"Don't act like you know me. We're not close." I frowned, feeling the need to draw a line between us. I'm really good at drawing lines. I once said I wanted to keep him close, but I'm not sure anymore. All I believed had turned upside down.
Of all things he could be... this guy's an idol. I couldn't be excited at the fact that he was a celebrity. To me, he suddenly became someone else, and looking at him now made me uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry if it surprised you, but let me explain."
He pleaded so hard that I accidentally gave in, even though I never planned to give him a chance. "Okay, explain."
"I did all that because I care about you."
"That's so cliche," I scoffed at that lousy introduction, not trying to be nice anymore. The rude side of me was the last thing I wanted to show him, but here I was was, being the devil I have always been. "You care? Why on earth would you care about me?" As much as I wanted to sound harsh, my voice came out shaky.
I didn't know what I was afraid of but standing in front of him and having this conversation was making me insecure. I really didn't like the situation we were in, brings back the bad days when I confronted a person for the same thing and I was again, the one who's been lied to. And it felt as if I was about to lose something or someone again.
"Why not? Things just happened, we got along fine, we got to spend a good time together and I got to know you better and-"
"-Do you like me?" I interrupted and took a good look at his reaction. One question and he was completely taken aback.
As I expected, he couldn't answer me. But I wasn't asking him for an answer, I just wanted to stop him from talking and it worked. I didn't want to hear the reasons he was going to give because those sweet words coming from him was either going to make me give in or crumble, and I wasn't intending to save our relationship. Or friendship. Whatever.
When Jongdae said nothing and stared back at me, I felt more embarrassed. He must've thought of me as a fool all along. "I should've found it strange when you were so nice to me," I shook my head. "You made me believe that someone was on my side for the first time, but this is who you are? You enjoyed making a fool out of me, didn't you?"
"That's not my intention," Jongdae frowned.
"It doesn't change the fact that you still hid the truth from me," I clenched my teeth. I never thought that we would have such a serious conversation.
"I didn't want to bring it up because I liked it when you treated me as a friend instead of an idol," Jongdae spoke louder. "I never tried to lie to you. I just thought I could finally be myself in front of you without the pressure of being a celebrity."
"And you thought I would never find out?"
"Of course I knew you would find out eventually, but I didn't expect you to get mad. I thought you would only be surprised."
"Well no thanks, I don't like surprises." I turned to walk away but he grabbed my hand this time.
"Why are you so mad? We're still friends no matter what-"
"We're not friends," I panned at him, almost sad that I had to put an end to this. "I don't deal with people who lie to my face and act like everything's alright."
I almost believed that Jongdae was my new beginning until this happened, and I wasn't going to let it affect me again. I can't make myself a fool twice.
The same reason why I don't make close friends, the same reason I distance myself from people, was because I once got betrayed by a person I trusted most, and it almost costed me my life.
"You said that someone was on your side for the first time," Jongdae said. "That is true, I have always been on your side."
"You don't have to explain," the lump in my throat grew bigger. Whatever he was saying was convincing me and I hated that of me. My eyes warmed and I knew I was about to cry. "I'm not interested. Not interested in you or your reasons." I croaked and twisted out of his grip, walking away before I started to bawl.
I left Jongdae there, dumbfounded at my coldheartedness.
...
I don't tolerate liars but I was one myself.
When Jongdae pleaded me to talk it out, I lied that I wasn't interested in his reasons. As much as I regret saying that, even if time could rewind, I think I would still walk away. I buried my face under my palms, sighing and went depressed on myself.
"You okay? You don't look good," Hera came to my side. With nowhere else to go, I ended up crashing the girl's dorm with Hera and Lia. They continued to stay in the same room from last weekend while Yuri shifted to another to unite with her chipmunks. I guess it turned out well since I won't have to see her face.
"Never been worst," I muttered, lying down on the cushioned floor. Unlike the Sapphire room, the girl's dorm, we had proper pillows, blankets and mattresses set on the floor. Our beds were arranged parallel to each other in the square room and I gladly took the right corner that Lia and Hera saved for me.
"You wanna talk about it?" Hera offered, but me being me, rejected her concern. "Knew it," she calmly commented after seeing me shake my head.
"Then don't talk, let's eat!" Lia returned from the pantry outside with a tray of cup noodles. The aroma from those instant noodles got me completely.
"That's the spirit," I said as my eyes craved them before the mouthwatering cup noodle reached me. It was already midnight but supper was our priority.
"I don't know what happened, but cheer up. Even if the whole world betrays you, at least know that food won't." Lia joked as the three of us slurped on our noodles, without realising that her words actually brought me comfort.
"That's right," I sighed loudly. "Only food won't betray."
...
I opened my eyes to a ray of sunlight seeping through a door crack, everything else around me was black. The stuffy, dusty smell in the air filled my nostril and stunned me for a while because the scene was beyond familiar.
It was recurring.
I tried to get up but I didn't have strength. My hands and legs were cuffed tightly in ropes and were tying me down on the ground. I turned petrified at the state I was in as I found myself trapped in this dark, empty and filthy place.
"H-Hello?" I croaked out, tears spilling out effortlessly. "Is there anyone?" I raised my voice, trying to catch my breath as I hyperventilated by the second. "T-There's someone in here... please, h-help me!"
But I heard nothing except the echoes of my own cries. My throat went drier every time I inhaled, making me cough in between. I was struggling to get out of the ropes but nothing worked. "Please," I begged weakly to nobody.
The door pushed open and brightened my surroundings to reveal a foggy space that had barrels lying around. I first saw the shadows on the floor and there wasn't just one, but three of them. I heaved and called out to them for help until I saw who they actually were.
Two guys unidentified and a girl whom was supposedly my best friend, Moon Ga In.
"Ga In," I exhaled, comforted by her presence until it hit me that she wasn't here to rescue me. She stood with the guys, stone-faced and stared down at me. I was utterly confused at the situation but I knew this was no longer the warm and tender Ga In that I knew.
"What should we do with her?" Guy one turned to Ga In for instructions, which made me frown harder.
"Ugh, I don't know. She's pretty useless for now." Ga In responded with the least interest. Tears continued rolling down my cheeks, but I wasn't sad at the situation. I was fuming mad. Because I just learned that the friend I've known for an entire year had just betrayed me.
"You said we could get the money!" The same guy lashed at Ga In, and she glared back fearlessly.
"I said we could IF her parents actually cared for her," she snarled back. "I placed a bet on her but I guess she's really worthless. Didn't think her parents would give up just like that."
My eyes stung more. Kidnapping me for money was one thing, but to hear that my parents didn't care about me enough to fall for the threat hurt even more. My parents chose to give up on me than to risk a ransom.
"So? We gonna just leave her here to die?" Guy two asked.
"What do you suggest?" The guys started discussing among themselves. Ga In left out of their conversation and walked over, lowering down to my level.
"Let me go," I demanded shakily, as much as I tried to sound firm.
"I spent all year by your side and still got nothing," she sighed arrogantly.
As I blinked, angry tears fell. "You won't get anything out of me."
Ga In scoffed and rolled her eyes at me. "I can see that. I know you don't have a tight relationship with your parents but I thought they'd at least care about your safety," she smirked. "I'm so wrong. Turns out no one cares about you."
"How can you do this to me? We were best friends!" I cried louder and louder each time. "After all the time we spent together, this is what you're after? Money? How greedy were you?!"
"One year with you," she dusted my shoulder, "was the most I could tolerate. Can you imagine being me? Forcing myself to hang out with you and listen to you complain about life all the time... so not interesting. You never gave me the information I want thanks to your ill relationship with your fam. The most you ever did for me was give me a designer bag on my birthday? I didn't even like the colour," she shuddered at the thought. "After all my time invested on you, don't you think I deserve more?"
She still had the cheek to ask that when she had just broken my trust completely.
"You don't deserve anything," I hissed back. "Whether or not I get out of here alive, I'll make sure you won't have anything your way. Even if I die, Ga In." I gritted my teeth hard. "I'll haunt you as a ghost. Forever."
She gasped fakely. "Oh? I'm so scared!" She got up and kicked me once and hard. "Wake up and take a look around! Who's gonna help you? Your mommy? They don't even want to come for you!"
"I hope you live in hell," I cursed at her, wishing that every bad thing in life would happen on her.
This girl whom I considered my best friend, whom I treasured more than my parents because I believed she was sincerely by my side... turned out to be one with a wicked heart. That completely shattered me, my trust, my faith in people and in kindness. It was from that moment on when I had a complete change of heart.
A heart that turned black like hers.
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A/N: will be updating as soon as I can again 😉 till next time~
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-A