I'm so sorry that this took 2 weeks to upload! I had a whole chapter written out but decided, last minute, that I hated everything I'd written. I'm still not fully satisfied with this, but it's probably as good as it's gonna get. Thanks for 9k views too!
Warning(s): mentions of death, drug abuse.
"Chris." Tommy put a hand on my arm and started to shake me when I didn't respond. "Christine."
A whimper fell from between my lips as mascara stained tears started to drip down my cheeks, before a sharp intake of breath caused my throat to hitch and I wasn't able to control the display of emotion that was about to follow suit.
He pulled me into him a little bit rougher than what he probably intended to, and laced his fingers through my, slightly, tangled strands, soothing the back of my neck as I rested my head against the vodka drenched shirt he was wearing.
"Where's Nikki?" I mumbled into his chest, feeling it constrict, as if his heart was actually sinking.
"He's uh--he's with McGhee."
"And Mick?"
"With Beth and Doug" he nodded and sent me a weak smile when my eyes met his, tearing up that bit more after seeing the pain wash over his face. "Doc is trying to sober Nikki up before we meet with our lawyer. He got fucked up when you and Beth fell asleep down here last night."
I just shut my eyes and buried my head back into the soaked fabric, letting a sob reverberate through Tommy's chest.
After the accident, nobody wanted to be alone--especially Beth.
Tommy, Beth, Nikki and I were in the living room all night just waiting for Doc and Mick to get back from the station. We sent Mick because he was the most sober one of the lot, and Nikki was much too pissed to even want to see Vince after he found out.
I felt god awful about what had happened, and wanted to stay by Beth's side all night. And that included falling asleep with her head on my shoulder, ignoring Nikki offering me some blow because I knew that if I had accepted it, I wouldn't have tried as hard to console my "sister."
"Don't say a fucking thing" Doc exasperated through gritted teeth and before I could even entertain asking why, Nikki stormed in through the living room door and his finger was waving in Beth's face.
He sucked in a deep breath before he started to shake, anger almost boiling out of him. "Fuck you and your fucking cunt husband!"
"Nikki!" I yelled at him but Tommy just ran a hand over my back. "Don't talk to her like that, she hasn't done anything wrong!"
"I don't care, Christine" he growled at me and widened his eyes, turning his attention back to Beth, who was shaking and crying. "Vince has just cost me and this band our entire fucking career, Hanoi Rocks' entire career, Razzle's fucking life. I'm done with him."
"You don't mean that--"
"--yes I fucking do."
"I don't know why you're shitting down my throat!" She barked back at him and I couldn't find it in myself to pipe up again. "It's not my fault this all happened!"
"You could've stopped him!"
Beth got up and stood in front of Nikki, almost as if she was about to challenge him. "You could've stopped him" she countered and his eyes flashed to me before they were landing on her form once more. "But you didn't. So, by that logic, you're just as much to blame as what I am."
I didn't know what to do, whether to diffuse the situation, or even how to diffuse the situation. So I just watched, with tears in my eyes, as Nikki and Beth started ripping the shit into one another.
"And before you even try to say that I'm fucking defending him, I'm not!" She yelled. "As soon as that bastard is out, we're getting a fucking divorce because I know what he's been doing behind my back! And this--whatever this whole thing is, has just been the icing on the damn cake!"
I suppose Beth was doing the right thing for herself and Elle, but Vince really needed somebody there for him.
It didn't take Nikki long to finally crack and come clean to me about why he was being such a dick to Beth, knowing that she was absolutely not at fault.
When McGhee got a call from the bands' lawyer, he was basically told that there was nothing that could be done for Vince and he was looking at a mid term jail sentence for vehicular manslaughter. That, obviously pissed Nikki off.
But what really tipped him over the edge was when Doc announced that Vince was being admitted into rehab, and having to partake in a court mandated sobriety scheme, as soon as he got released from prison.
And I guess it's bad, but I didn't seem to give an ounce of a fuck about how Vince was doing. I was much too wrapped up in making sure that the remaining members of Hanoi Rocks were okay after the loss of their best friend, and I never left Nikki's side once for fear of what he might've done.
The the entire month of December, and the start of January, was fucking terrible.
Nikki refused to do anything for his birthday because he was much too stressed with the band, and I couldn't even seem to be a welcome distraction for him--so I spent a lot of time with Beth. And when Christmas rolled around, everyone was so busy with trying to distract themselves until Vince was released and the band's future was decided, that we didn't even bother putting up a single decoration or buying gifts for one another.
1984 was just a complete shower of shit. And 1985 wasn't about to be a bed of roses either.
The thirty days that Vince was in prison had seemed to completely fly by, and before anyone knew it, he was being released and sent straight into rehab.
"He's getting out today..."
"Christine, he can go and fucking choke for all I care" Nikki turned over and buried his head into the pillow.
His back muscles tensed up when I traced my pointer finger down his spine, as my head was resting on my own pillow, smiling to myself at the way he was melting at my touch.
"Come on, you've gotta be there for Vince" I pinched the skin on the back of his neck lightly, because I knew that was a sure fire way to get his full attention.
Nikki rolled over to face me before I was on my back, and he had both of his hands either side of my head on the pillow, hovering atop of me.
"I don't have to be anywhere."
"He's your band mate--" he cut me off with scoff while I just stared up at him, a tear in my eye because I was starting to feel guilty about not making an effort to check in on Vince. "Baby, please."
"No" Nikki shook his head. "He's not getting any of my fuckin' attention until he's out and back in the studio."
I stilled when he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, but quickly gave in and kissed him back.
"Okay" I spoke softly against his lips and let my arms fall over his shoulders.
He dipped one of his hands underneath the covers and between my legs, the breath in my throat hitching when I felt his fingers softly graze my inner thigh.
"Can we do this another time?" He furrowed his brows and let out a sigh when he saw the sadness wash across my face. "I'm sorry."
Nikki leaned in to kiss my lips one last time and let his thumb run across my cheek. "It's okay."
I watched as he got out of bed and pulled on his pants, but then he just stopped and sat at the edge of the bed.
He'd been taking it a lot harder than what he'd ever let on.
Yes, he was blinded by rage whenever anybody mentioned Vince's name, but he was still his brother. The thought of him in that cell, alone, with nobody visiting or even bothering to call him, hurt Nikki a hell of a lot more than what he'd ever let on.
And he was so stressed because McGhee was on his ass day in, day out, trying to take a look at what songs Nikki had started to write--when in reality, we'd spend days on end getting fucked up. He didn't have the time for it anymore.
"What's wrong?" I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder, my skin breaking out into goosebumps when his calloused fingers interlocked with my own.
"Nothing" he brought my hand to his lips and pressed them against it, and I could've sworn that I heard him sniffle a little bit. "Nothing's wrong. It's all alright, baby."
I could feel myself starting to choke up at the way his voice cracked when he spoke to me, instantly recognizing that he felt just as shitty as what I did, but he didn't want to burden me with his sadness too. But we were married. I was supposed to be there for him.
"Nikki" I spoke softly, and kissed his cheek when he simply hummed in response. "I love you."
He didn't say anything back, and I can't lie and say that didn't hurt. He just kissed my hand, again, and squeezed the arm that I had around him.
I moved off of him when he went to stand up, and I really thought that he was just about to get up and leave the house like he always did. But he grabbed at my waist when I got on my knees at the foot of the bed, and brought me close to his chest.
The atmosphere in that room changed the second he furrowed his brows and his emerald hues burrowed into my own. I could feel the grief; the sadness; the heartbreak; the confusion; the anger, radiating off of him. I could feel his every emotion just by looking into his eyes.
Nikki never tried to talk to me about how dejected he was in the weeks that followed Razzle's death, he just relied on me to be some sort of escape--to do drugs with him. I don't think I was enough of an escape for him, if I'm being totally honest. I think he just needed someone who was as fucked in the head as what he was, to be doing whatever it was that he was doing. It could've been anybody, it could've been Robbin.
But it was me. And that only caused more problems for us.
A fresh batch of tears spilled from my eyes, coursing down my cheeks until I could taste them on my lips and tongue every single time I opened my mouth.
Nikki didn't even have to say anything to make me cry any more than what I already was, but he did. When he looked me in the eye, smiled, and came out with "I love you so fucking much, Christine." That's when I couldn't stop myself.
"I know you do" I sniffled hard. "I know you do, Nikki. Even if you never say it, I know that you love me."
He shook his head, his orbs glistening ever so slightly.
"What?" I ran a hand over his cheek, noticing how he closed his eyes but his lips curled into a little smile.
"Nothing, I swear. I'm just--" he sighed, choking on his breath a bit "--I'm confused. I don't know how to feel anymore."
"About Vince or Razzle?" I paused, pouting. "Or us?"
"About Vince and Razzle...not about us. Never about us." He stilled, and for the first time ever, he just didn't hold back. Tears spilled over his lashes and I could feel my heart start to sink at the sight of my husband so desolate, so broken.
"Talk to me" I put both hands on his shoulders "please Nikki."
He shook his head but buried his face in the crook of my neck, squeezing my torso that little bit tighter every time he breathed in. It felt like he was just completely breaking down in my arms, but he didn't want me to see it. And I felt fucking awful about it.
I always felt so powerless.
Nikki, Beth and I sat at the kitchen table with Elle in her high chair, babbling away because she was starting to get to that age where words were almost coming out coherently. Almost.
"She's just the cutest little thing" she swooned over her baby, but I couldn't find it in myself to say anything, so I just smiled and nodded.
We'd only called 'round to see how she was doing before we headed to Tommy's place, and the only reason Nikki was there was because I told him I'd let him do me in the car on the way over.
"Have you talked to Vince...?" I asked cautiously and he rolled his eyes, but Beth shot me a smile and nodded.
"Yeah, I called. He's doing alright. I think."
"You think?"
"I think. I only really talked to him about Elle, and how my lawyer is trying to push this divorce as soon as he gets out and is able to sign" I raised my brows and let out an 'oh'. "Yep. That was exactly my reaction."
"You sound like you don't wanna divorce him" Nikki stated. "I thought this is what you both wanted?"
"It is, it really is. But it's so fucking stressful, especially because of Elle." She looked between the pair of us and laughed. "Don't ever get divorced. I'm begging you, it'll kill you both. Just separate if you have to."
Nikki scoffed that all too familiar obnoxious scoff, and shook his head. "We're solid. I don't think we'll be needing to take that advice."
The thing about Nikki.....he never really knew how to keep it in his pants.
And the thing about me.....I didn't know how to keep my hands off of my husband's best friend. But everyone knew what had happened--I just prayed that nobody told him.
Ever since the day we found out about Vince's sentence, Nikki and Beth hadn't said two words to one another--besides that one or two days that he ended up going with me to see her when we were on our way out. Mainly because he pointed the finger at her, and she spat that straight back in his face.
So, I ended up spending a lot of time with Beth, making sure she was okay, and Nikki spent a lot of time with Tommy, making sure that he wasn't about to go in on her for something else that she didn't do.
"Are you sober right now?" She asked and I shook my head. "Dammit, Chris."
"I'm sorry."
Beth let out a deep breath. "Don't worry about it." She cut her eyes at Nikki and Tommy in the living room as we sat in my kitchen, flicking through property brochures because she was looking to get a house for herself when she and Vince finally signed those damn papers. "They're like fucking children."
I didn't even bother looking because I knew what they were up to. "I know. But Nikki and I haven't argued in so long, he's on good terms with everyone besides Vince, and I don't wanna put my foot in it. So they can carry on."
She scrunched up her nose when I got off of my chair and rummaged around in the cupboard for the stash that Nikki kept in the kitchen, but sighing out when I came up blank.
"Nikki!?" I yelled while still pushing bottles and boxes out of the way.
He trailed into the room with Tommy on his heels, like a lost puppy, and smiled at Beth--which was unusual. "Yeah?"
"I think we're outta coke" I said as I turned around and I saw the smile on his face fade, but he soon perked up when he fished a bag out of his jacket pocket.
"Have this one" he threw it to me and I, somehow, caught it. "I'll go with T-Bone to get some more--"
"--no you won't, not right now."
"What?" He laughed "why not, baby?"
"Because you're plastered, Nikki." My tone came out a bit more harsh than what I had wanted it to, but it was for good reason. "You're not gonna go out to get coke while you're shitfaced. Not anymore."
Tommy understood where I was coming from but Nikki's eyes clouded over, and I could just about feel his anger.
"Razzle was just fucking killed in a car accident because Vince got behind the wheel jacked up!" I let my rage boil out. "I'm not letting you make that same mistake, Nikki."
"You've never had a fucking problem with it before!" He stepped closer to me.
"Just because I didn't say anything, doesn't mean I didn't have an issue with it!" I yelled back in his face. "I hate that you drive drunk! I hate that you get on your fucking motorcycle after we've shot up with one another! I hate that you care that little about your own life, about my life and how I would feel if you were fucking killed, that you go out and do this stupid shit!"
"It's too late for you to pretend that you give a fuck about me and my well-being now, Chris" he let out in a bitter laugh. "If you cared so much about that, you'd have helped me kick this habit. But you never did. You joined in. You joined in like the desperate fucking coke whore that you are!"
"Hey! Don't go there, Nikki" Tommy warned and Beth perked up a little bit, almost as if she was about to pull me away from him had anything nasty happened.
"I guess I am a coke whore, but what does that make you? A disgusting, good for nothing, piece of shit junkie husband who can't even tell his own wife that he loves her unless something drastic happens, which makes him reevaluate his life and every fucking bad decision that he's ever made!?"
I stared back at him as my chest heaved after spilling that out in one breath, and Nikki just shook his head and turned his nose up at me.
"I'm going to get my coke. And by the time I get back, you better be fucking gone." I scoffed but he grabbed my arm and pushed me up against the island. "I fucking mean it Christine."
"You're kicking me out? Because I don't want you to kill yourself?"
"No, I'm kicking you out because you only pretend to give a shit when it suits you!" I furrowed my brows, trying not to cry. "Seriously, get the fuck out of my house."
"And where the hell did you expect me to go, exactly?" I yelled after him as he made a beeline for the front door, not even bothering to turn around.
"Like I give a shit where you end up" he shrugged. "Go spread your legs for Tommy. I don't fucking care what or who you do."
My jaw dropped, and so did Beth's. He turned to face me and scoffed out, shaking his head before he was out the door and slamming it shut behind him.
"Do you think that he knows?"