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I haven't cried since I left him standing there in the darkness.
I haven't cried since I left him standing there in the darkness, and I walked into the light.
I've come close while buying my one way ticket, then going through security, and even while sitting and waiting to board the plane. My body would start to shake and my lip would tremble, but not a single tear would come of it. I'm not even sure my brain works properly anymore, only controlling my body on autopilot while my thoughts are consumed with nothing but a black abyss.
Sluggishly using the last of the money Harry gave me, I hand my cab driver a wad of cash, not even attempting to count it out, before I'm hopping out of the vehicle and running up to the front door. Birds are chirping and the sky is a dull blue, mist covering the grass and the small hum of crickets still left over from the night before signal the introduction of morning.
After turning the key and quietly entering my mother's home, a chill runs through my body at the memories, but I try and suppress them when I look at the clock as it ticks and reads 6:27.
I quietly take my shoes off and set them at the door after I've closed it with a small click and start dragging my heavy bags to my room. Just before I get there, and it isn't long before I do in our small and quaint home, I drop the handles and creep into Jane's room where she sleeps soundly in her bed.
The only thing I want more than to crawl in bed and cuddle my mom who I haven't seen in months is to rid myself of this damn dress and all the bad memories that come with it. So I leave her door open slightly and scurry to my room, heavy bags in hand. I throw one open and pull out the first giant t-shirt I can find, hastily yanking the uncomfortable velvet from my skin and replacing it with the soft white cotton.
Mint toothpaste cleanses my mouth and cold water rejuvenates the dry skin of my face, washing away the already smeared makeup before I pull the sheets back and crawl into bed with Jane. I snuggle up to her small back and breathe in the fresh smell of gardenias and honey coming from her hair, closing my eyes and taking comfort in her presence.
I can't even think straight, but despite the visions of boyish faces, abusive hands, tall beautiful women, and glowing green eyes, I eventually fall asleep with steady breaths to the soft sounds of my mother's own breathing.
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When I first wake up I don't know where I am.
I jolt up from the bed in confusion before eventually seeing the empty space next to me and recognizing my mom's bedroom, Georgia sunshine shining in through the small windows and lighting her blue walls a fierce shade of teal.
Huffing dramatically, memories of last night start to come back to me slowly, flashing through my mind like the clock on the bedside table that reads 3:02. There goes my day.
Flopping back down to the pillow with a groan, I bring my hands to my head and rub at my tired face, wanting nothing more than to forget about everything. I wish there was a button I could press to wipe my mind of Harry and every aspect of him. I would press that button in a heartbeat to forget about the adultery I've committed.
My hand flies out and slaps against the old wood of the bedside table in a desperate search for my phone, the stupid device I've come to not be able to live without. Upon finding it, I hold it over my face, watching as it lights up and comes to life.
36 missed calls
29 Voicemails
1,000+ Instagram Notifications
1,000+ Twitter Notifications
511 Messages
I jolt up again, frantically pushing my hair from my face and gripping the phone with white knuckles. My wide eyes search the screen, questioning what the hell could be going on and why my phone is blowing up. Part of me is too scared to unlock the device and would rather torch it, forgetting that whatever caused this ever happened, but I know I can't. Why can't I ever catch a damn break?
Every single missed call and voicemail is from Harry, Liam, Niall, Louis, Zayn, and other family members who I haven't spoken to in ages. Even some kids that went to my school have called and left messages which I find extremely weird. However, I don't bother listening to any of them, partly because I'm too scared of what they're about.
Out of all 511 texts, 132 of them are from Harry and the most recent ones are him apologizing over and over for something. At first I automatically assume he's begging for forgiveness for the events of the past few days, and maybe he just got really drunk when he sent them all, yet the logical part of me dreads discovering the actual truth.
Just as I'm about to click out of the messages app, a name that I never thought I'd see in my phone again catches my eyes just a few names below Harry's.
Bennett Cameron.
A huge lump forms in my throat and my stomach begins to rock with the waves of a tsunami of nausea. My shaking finger clicks on it as I pull the sheet closer to my chest and take turns between biting the inside of my cheek and bottom lip.
First my eyes see a link to TMZ before they fall down to the message he sent with it:
Like father like daughter.
No.
No, no, no.
No is the only word racing through my mind as I instantly know what's awaiting me when I click the link, tears already forming in my brown eyes to make up for the loss of moisture in my throat.
And there it is.
EXCLUSIVE: Harry Styles Caught Sharing Passionate Moment With Mystery Woman Who Isn't Kendall Jenner! VIDEO FOOTAGE Of Styles And Who Sources Believe To Be Belle Granger!
I click on the video and find a compilation of photos of me in the car with Harry and wrapped in his embrace before a video begins to play of me crying into his chest and then it cuts to us outside of the car where he kissed my head.
This can't be happening. I scream out in anger throwing myself around the bed like a child and throw my phone to the floor where it hits the wood aggressively.
Tears of anger and embarrassment start to pour down my reddened face when Jane comes barging in the room, the look on her face letting me know that she must have seen it.
"Is it-" I start, but she cuts me off with a simple nod, already confirming the answer to my question.
"Everywhere," Jane breathes.
A loud wail leaves my lips causing my mother to rush forward and envelop me in a warm hug. She sits down on the couch and rocks me while I cry out of anger and fear, beginning to understand that my life is over before it even ever began. Any hope I had of becoming a respected author is now gone.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice my phone light up with more notifications from different social media apps. Hunger builds within me to want to see what is happening, so I try to leap up from Mom, but she keeps a light hold on my wrist and tries to tug me back down.
"Don't," she warns.
"But I need to see what people are saying," I whine, looking back and forth between her and my newly cracked phone.
"No you don't," Jane states calmly with relaxed eyes. "Sit down and relax, babe. You need to tell me what's going on."
For a moment, I stare at her with wide eyes that are full to the brim with wonder and shock. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't expect her to be so calm about this. There is absolutely nothing to be calm about! I will never hear the end of this from Charles, and Celia will probably try to milk the situation for as much as it's worth.
However, if I'm going to confide in anyone, Jane would be the person I'd do it with. She is my best friend- the only one who I know would never leave me.
So I sit back down and hold onto her small hands, telling her everything from the details she already knew of my first summer with the boys, all the way to what happened last night. I told her about Taylor and Kendall, Louis and small details about Bennett. The entire time she sat there in deep evaluation. She's like Harry in that way.
"You wanna talk more about Bennett?" She asks through pursed lips with a disapproving tone.
The words that I'm in the middle of speaking get caught in my throat, and I instantly freeze. A chill runs down my spine at his evil name coming off her kind tongue, but all she's spewing is hate.
"I know what he did, Belle. I'm not stupid," Jane bites.
"Then why didn't you say anything?" I ask defensively, almost hurt that she kept her knowledge from me and acted oblivious. I know that back then and even now to some degree, I would prefer for nobody to know, but if I could change anything, it would be lying to her about his abuse that night when she got home.
"I knew you'd come to me when you were ready. I didn't want to push you, but I knew the moment I saw you what that boy did. Why do you think he wasn't in any classes with you and never came near you again?"
"I don't know," I shrug, searching the room with confused eyes. "Because he's a pussy?"
"No," she laughs slightly. "I got a restraining order put on him," Jane states nonchalantly.
"What?" I laugh out in shock, a surprised and somewhat humorous smile lighting up my face. "You're kidding!"
"Am not," the beautiful woman insists with a smile, eyes gleaming through her new glasses. "I'm your mother. I had to do something whether you knew about it or not, and it was either that or commit a felony."
Her words remind me so much of Harry that my laugh and smile dulls slightly. I wish they could have met before all this. Maybe if I hadn't kept so many secrets, things would be different, but I don't ever tell anyone how I really feel, because I can never find the words to say what I mean.
"Nothing's ever easy," Jane continues, all humor gone from her dark eyes. "This sure as hell won't be."
My eyes fall from hers and they watch as I pick at my chipping nails.
"But we're going to get through this, okay? You are going to get through this," she reassures with gleaming eyes. "I will do whatever it takes to keep you and your heart safe, do you understand me?"
I hum in response, nodding my head into her chest as she gently pets my hair. I can still hear my phone buzzing off the hook but choose to ignore it. "I love you," I whisper softly.
"I love you more."
"I love you most," I finish, closing my eyes and burrowing further into her. My anxiety is still skyrocketing, and the worry I feel is tremendous, not to mention the terror that Bennett's message made me feel. Simply being in the arms of my mother helps me to forget it all, even for a moment.
"Harry really cares about you," Jane adds suddenly, catching me off guard.
"I know," I nod into her chest, squeezing her tighter. "I know."
And I'll still be a fool. I'm a fool for you.