Charlie sent an image.
Castiel sighs. This is never good.
He opens up their conversation to see what she's going on about. Sure enough, Charlie did sent a picture — a shitty screenshot of an Instagram post from @JoHarvelleQueen of Jo and Castiel kissing on a beach. Logically, Castiel knows the three dots beneath it indicate a sarcastic remark about their relationship, but Castiel is too focused on himself in the picture — not in a narcissistic way, but in a 'damn, maybe I should wear shirts to the beach because this is awkward' way.
Charlie: Thanks, I hate it
Castiel raises an eyebrow. That was a lot tamer than he had expected. She's usually a lot more sarcastic than this.
Castiel: Same, but this is part of the job.
Charlie: But I hate it
Castiel: Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about it.
Charlie: -_-
Castiel chuckles. Charlie complained the whole time he dated Meg, too. She's always said it was because dating isn't a game, but he has a feeling it's just because she would do anything to not have to kiss a man, and she hates that he doesn't have the option to not pretend to be straight. He's well aware that she wouldn't understand the difference between "pretending to be straight" and "playing the part of a straight man," so he doesn't bother trying to explain it.
Incoming call: Charlie
Castiel answers the call and puts it on speaker, then drops his phone on his coffee table so he can lie down comfortably on the couch. He's not home for long, and he's determined to enjoy himself while he can.
"So it's official," Charlie says. "You guys are dating now?"
"As official as a fake relationship can be," Castiel replies.
"I hate it."
Castiel chuckles. "No, really? I never would have guessed."
"What were you guys doing at a beach in October?" Charlie asks. "Are you fucking Elsa or something? How did you not freeze to death?"
"It's Florida, Charlie," Castiel says. "Florida beaches in October are like LA beaches in September — cold, but bearable."
"Wait, when were you in Florida?" Charlie asks. "Did you go to Disney and neglect to invite me?"
Castiel rolls his eyes. "We had an interview, Charlie. We're still doing the whole press tour thingy."
"Okay, but did you go to Disney?"
"Do you really think if I'd gone to Disney, I wouldn't have gotten a picture with Gaston or Aladdin or any of the hot Disney guys and sent them to you?" Castiel asks.
"Fair point," she admits. "Did you at least have fun on your little date?"
"Yes, actually, I did," Castiel says. "I collected seashells. They're sitting next to my bed."
"Of course you did," Charlie mutters. "Why are you literally a five-year-old?"
"Would that make you a four-year-old?" Castiel asks. "In which case, I'm just as immature as you but a million times more articulate."
"You wouldn't be wrong," she admits. "In other news, I found a Leia bobblehead in my cubicle this morning and I don't know where it came from?"
"Did you ask your nerd friends?"
"Yeah, they said it wasn't them," she says, completely unphased by him calling them her 'nerd friends.' "It's common knowledge around the office that I love Star Wars, but no one really cares enough to do anything about it."
"And you're sure it wasn't one you already had and forgot about?" he asks. "No one knocked it over and put it back in the wrong spot or anything?"
"Of course I'm certain," she says. "What, you think I don't keep track of my collectibles?"
"Right, right, I'm sorry," Castiel says, despite not being sorry at all, which she probably already knows. "So, any suspects?"
"Not yet," she says. "I swear I got nothing done today because I've been trying to figure it out all day."
"You never get anything done," Castiel reminds her. "I don't even know why or how you still have your job. All you do is talk to your friends and use the computers to hack into stuff."
"I would be offended but you're not wrong," she says. "I firmly believe that it's because deep down, even Dick Roman is a geek at heart."
Castiel scoffs. "You think Dick Roman is responsible for you keeping your job? The dude's got millions of employees at a bunch of different offices all over the —"
"Yes, he does, and I'm his favorite," she says. "Is that a problem, Cas? What, you wish Dick Roman loved you, too?"
"God no," Castiel says. "The dude freaks me out."
"I thought it was just me," Charlie whispers. "He just looks so... evil?"
"I know, right?" Castiel says. "And it's not even, like, his face. He always looks so nice in every picture and video and whatever, but he just goes off evil vibes."
"Honestly," Charlie agrees. "I can't believe I'm not the only one that noticed that."
"I wonder if anyone else has," Castiel says. "You should ask your nerd friends. Maybe this is a universally accepted yet widely ignored truth."
"Only if you ask your cool friends," Charlie says.
"What cool friends?" Castiel asks. "The only people I could text without raising too many alarms are, like, Jo and Meg."
"Oh really?" Charlie says, her voice so suggestive that Castiel can't even pretend he doesn't know exactly what she's implying.
"I haven't spoken to Dean for over a week," Castiel says. "We had, like, half a month of interaction while we were passing Jo along like a cat or something, and now we're back to basically pretending we don't know the other exists."
"Not exactly," Charlie says. "Dean still talks about you all the time."
"Well, yeah, he's kinda supposed to," Castiel says, though he's decently sure Dean has yet to actually mention his name, which is nice. "But we don't talk to each other. Totally different ballgame."
"Well, it's a stupid ballgame."
"I genuinely do not understand what you're expecting me to do," Castiel says. "He's supposed to hate me, remember? Even if I did come out, and even if he was also secretly gay, and even if he did want to go out with me —"
"You'd be in heaven," Charlie interrupts. "Perfect. Not a single problem. Glad we're in agreement."
Castiel rolls his eyes. "You understand that I can't go anywhere near him, right? That would throw the whole PR stunt off. Admitting to a PR relationship is one of the most problematic things you can do without offending anyone. You're basically admitting you're a liar."
"So you guys just have to sneak around," Charlie says, completely unconcerned.
"There is no sneaking around as a celebrity," Castiel says. "Unless you're expecting us to hide out in, like, South Korea, someone is gonna get a picture."
"Then go to South Korea!"
Castiel just groans. God, she's annoying.