♀ Rebecca ♀
When I got home from school, my body felt heavy and walking into an empty house only dampened my mood.
Usually, Cordelia was always home when I got back from school and although we usually stayed clear of the other, it was sort of nice coming home knowing that someone would be there. But she wasn't here, she had decided she didn't want to come back to England after Christmas holidays.
She didn't like living here, she missed home. I wish I could say I was surprised by her decision to stay but it wasn't like she ever made an effort to even pretend to like it here. And since she wasn't here, my dad was also thinking about going back to live in Argentina. He was sorting some things out so he could leave for good. It was nice, though, when he knocked on my door just a couple of weeks ago, asking me what I wanted to do.
Leave with them or stay here alone.
I knew better, though, they didn't care much for what I'd choose.
The idea was tempting. Going back home. Although I've lived my entire life here, it never really felt like home. The issue with that was Argentina didn't feel like it, either.
My granddad had asked me to come back, said I've spent too long away from home. I was meant to go back, once I finished high school, I was meant to head back home but— I stayed because of Maddison. Because I was in love with Maddison and now I can't help but think that I'm the most pathetic idiot on the face of the earth.
I had nothing here. Tatita, the lady that took care of me and my brother while growing up, went back home when she started losing her sight. As embarrassing as it was for me to say, the only thing that remotely made me want to stay were the girls but... friends, you can make friends anywhere you go.
It's not like they're much of a friend, anyway. If anything, today's bathroom encounter showed me just that.
And then... if you loved once, you can do it again. And again. And again. Life is not a romantic comedy, you fall in love once, if you're open to it, you even can do it a million times throughout your lifetime. If I had something in Argentina, something that outweighs what I had here... why not go back?
I was heading to my room when the bell rang. I contemplated not answering but it could be important, so I went down the stairs again, walking over to the front door.
I was between surprised and relieved yet slightly annoyed when I found Nina standing there, her full lower lip between her teeth.
"What're you doing here?" I didn't want to sound so rude, much less to Nina, but I couldn't help myself.
She lifted her perfectly curved eyebrow, a look that practically told me to calm the fuck down as she leaned in until she was inches away from me, her eyes small and daring. She was so close that I could smell the strawberry in her perfume and if I leaned in slightly, our noses would touch.
If anyone saw us like this, they would most likely think we were about to kiss, but it wasn't like that. It was about Nina and her issues with personal space.
She didn't believe in it.
"What's up your ass?" She asked me. In a blink of an eye, she killed the space between us by placing her lips on my cheek.
The first time she did this, I almost pushed her away but I couldn't bring myself to. It was just Nina. She liked showing affection, she liked showing that she cared and her way of doing that was showering you with kisses, hugs, hand-holding and a taking any sort of chance that she got to touch you.
I worried that one day she'd find someone who wasn't fond of it, someone who wasn't comfortable with her way of showing that she cared. I thought that someone would've been me. I didn't like people touching me too much, not unless I wanted them to and at first, I didn't want Nina to touch me at all. I didn't understand why she'd do it, why she'd get so close.
I still didn't but now I just stop trying to understand simply because I've found myself relaxing at her closeness. At times, I even found myself wanting her to hug me. Growing up, my parents weren't much of huggers, therefore, I wasn't either.
I think I wasn't until I began to be hugged more often. I think that was about the time I realised that I liked being hugged, I liked hugging.
Especially Asha and Nina.
I followed after Nina as she made her way down the corridor towards the TV room. She had been inside my house so many times that she just seemed like lived here, she was comfortable as she threw herself on the sofa, crossing her legs at her ankles, she was wearing the boots I had to lend her when we went out to a club but decided not to invite the other girls because we wanted a drama-free night.
It was around the time she was fed up of having these comings and goings with Cassie. Maggie and Lottie were keeping secrets about their activities behind closed doors with Daniel. And Asha and I... well, we were stuck in something confusing and there was too much tension whenever we were around because right about then, we almost kissed for the first time and I couldn't be around her simply because I knew she would've been able to see it all over me... see how desperately I wanted to kiss her and couldn't and it was killing me not being able to.
I swore myself the moment I sat next to Nina that I wouldn't tell her a thing. That I would keep it to myself as I have been doing for most of my life whenever I was having a bad time. I was going to look in her the eye and I'd show her what I wanted her to see. I'd hide behind the mask I had come to perfect over the years, the Rebecca Mancini mask, the mask I've been forced to wear so I don't let the comments get to me.
I tried. I tried but nonetheless, it took Nina exactly five seconds to make me come undone before her.
Damn these stupid friendships.
So, I told her everything. I told her about Asha kissing me, about what she said, how when we finally kissed it felt like I was floating about hundreds of feet above the clouds, inches away from touching heaven. I told her how it felt like it had never before and although I didn't say it, I knew she could see it all over my face... the certainty that I would never feel the same with any other person that wasn't Asha.
I never said it out loud, not even to myself but I think it was painfully clear to everybody that had eyes that I was madly and utterly in love with Asha. And I wish I could deny it because nothing ever happened between us, we only kissed twice and here I was, unable to keep her out of my mind ever since she held my hand because I was too scared of ghosts to fall asleep.
I can see the shock and confusion in Nina's face when I tell her what happened at the bathroom. She shook her head, looking as if she was missing a piece of a puzzle. She wanted to talk to them, she wanted to get to the bottom of it all but I didn't want to. I didn't want to beg for friendships, I didn't want to beg anyone to like me. I had done that once and once was enough.
At first, Nina's reluctant to let it go but I knew she could tell that if she kept poking me, she'd get a bad reaction out of me, so she dropped it.
And I would like to say that maybe what happened that day, that night, it was because I was angry at the girls, because I had felt rejected and unwanted, or perhaps because, later on, at a party, I didn't even want to go to, I had drunk a little too much. I could make up so many excuses for why I did what I did that night.
I would love to say that it had nothing to do with the fact that I wanted to hurt someone as bad as I was hurting. I'd like to say that I wasn't that person, the same person I wanted to stop being.
But that was just simply not true.
♀ ♀
When the day first started, I had no intentions of assisting any sort of party. It was actually Nina's idea. After we spent the whole afternoon watching movies, she said it was enough and that we needed to distract ourselves.
As it happened, Kyle was throwing a party and soon enough, Nina and I were getting changed, getting ready for a party that I didn't even want to go to, nonetheless, I went for her.
The events of the party weren't important. As soon as I walked through the door, I grabbed a bottle of rum and swing from it every time some unwanted idiot tried to grind on me. It was sickening, to the point that I stopped dancing overall.
By the time I found Nina again, I wasn't half as drunk as I wanted to be and I had already changed bottles.
Nina was pissed. It was Cassie, something she said or did. Nina was practically screaming over the music, speaking with her hands every time she got slightly angrier. She was so close to my ear that I had no issue hearing her.
People were staring, trying to get in the gossip and I already knew they were going to go off saying that two of Maddie's Girls were fighting again.
I kept drinking listening as Nina practically shouted my ear off. Her hands waving all around pointing at the air with her index finger, as if accusing some invisible thing. I guess, if I had seen ourselves from someone else's eyes, I would've thought we were arguing too but we were far from it and Nina wasn't arguing, she was just angry, angry and sad.
I didn't understand girls sometimes. That logic of you are a girl so you must understand girls was pure bullshit. People, regardless of gender, were complex. I don't think you ever truly understand someone, not even ourselves.
Cassie was... just as confusing as any other person. She liked Nina and Nina liked her back. I think the reason Cassie complicated it so much was because she was scared of Nina. I really liked Cassie. I really did. But truth be told, Cassie was walking aimlessly around life, unsure of what she wanted and Nina knew exactly what she wanted and how she was going to get it.
Nina was a planner, a do'er. Cassie was the type of person who shrugged their shoulders and just went where the wind would take her, she was care-free.
I think if Cassie didn't like Nina so much, she would've been the type of person Cassie would've hated. To be fair, if I didn't like Nina so much, she would've been exactly the type of person that I envied. But it was Nina, it was impossible to know her and do anything other than love her.
They could be good together. They could be great. But Cassie couldn't let go of her fear of never being enough, of never doing enough... she was ruining it before it even started.
Cassie was so afraid of their relationship not working that she couldn't see that her fears were only in her mind and Nina might have planned her future but she never wanted Cassie to be anything other than what she was. In fact, I was willing to bet that one of the reasons Nina liked Cassie so much was because of how care-free Cassie was.
"Oh, if it's two of my girls," Maddison's voice was loud, stopping Nina in her tracks. We turned to her, she was holding a half-full beer.
She had a wicked smirk on her face, her eyes hard steel, glancing at Nina but focusing on me. Her voice was dripping arrogance that I used to confuse with confidence. I used to find it attractive, even.
The look on her face, though, it was one that I knew very well. It was the look she always had on her face whenever she was about to hurt me. Whenever she was about to run off with some girl and right when she found said girl, she would turn around, find me in the crowd, make sure I was watching as she'd walk out hand in hand with some girl. She wanted me to see what she could do to me and she knew I'd forgive her, she always knew I'd forgive her.
"When I heard two of my girls were fighting, I wasn't expecting you—"
"Get lost, Maddison." I sighed, turning my back to her as I took another swing.
The last thing I wanted was to look at her.
Once upon a time, I used to think the world of her. I used to think the sun set and came out because of her. I used to believe every single word that came out of her mouth until she broke my heart one last time and I just couldn't take any more humiliation.
What was funnier was that she didn't break it once, she broke time after time... I just forgave her until it hurt too much and I didn't have it in me to forgive her once more. There was no love, there was no friendship to save... there was just anger and resentment.
That was it, that was all I felt for Maddison now.
That... and maddening jealousy that burnt bright in my chest.
Ever since I found out that she was with Asha, I couldn't help but ask why her and not me? What did she have that I didn't? What made Asha love her and not me? The thing that bothered me the most was that Maddison didn't have to do anything, she just was and girls would just throw themselves at her. Once upon a time, myself included. Everything was a game to her and it fucking angered me to think that Asha could be nothing more than another girl to play with for her.
I knew Maddison. I knew who she was, what she did, how she did it, I knew her so well that I knew what she'd do before she even did it... I spent three years learning every little thing about her, loving every detail about her even the bad. Now I hated it all because even though she was a despicable asshole... when she wanted to be, she could be very pleasant. She had a charisma that made people like her, she knew what to say to make you love her, to have you hanging by her fingers.
I hated the mere thought of Asha loving her.
It made every single cell in my body tremble with anger, it made me want to burn everything around me to the ground until it was nothing because it was Asha.
It was Asha.
"Uh," Maddison laughed, her body pressing against my back. Her voice sending chills down my back. "I always liked it when you got feisty. It's a turn on. Does Asha like that, too?"
I turned around so we were face to face. She was so close that I could see her pupils getting bigger. I wonder if what they said about how your pupils dilate when you see someone you love or hate was true. I wish it was because I would like her to hate me just as much as I hated her.
Maddison pretended to have remembered something, she smirked at me.
"Oh, no, wait, she doesn't," Maddison whispered, leaning in so we were even closer. "You know what she does like, though? When I give her love-bites, right about here," she raises her finger to touch behind my ear, just below my earlobe. "You know, I think she left some scratches in my back. Ha, now that I think of it... you used to do that too. Out of all of them, you were the roughest one."
Although I wanted to, it was not me who pushed her away, it was Nina. I would've liked doing more than just push her away but her words left my body cold, frozen in place as images of Asha and Maddison pop up before my eyes, it makes me feel sick. And even after I close my eyes, I could still imagine them, the picture of them engraved in my eyelids.
Jealousy was such an ugly, dreadful thing.
"Leave us the fuck alone, Maddison," Nina snapped, "you don't fucking own us, we're not your fucking girls— get lost."
Maddison put her hands up in the air, walking backwards as she gave me a look and I just knew as soon as Nina was gone, she'd try again. I turned away from her, having no interest in what she could say.
Asha was not my problem. Asha was my friend, just that. Just because I was in love with her, it didn't mean I suddenly had some sort of right to be jealous or angry or hurt or anything at all over her and Maddison.
"I'm gonna get Cassie and we can leave, is that okay, babe?" Nina asked, her hand cupping my face, forcing me to look at her.
I forced myself to nod, to move, to unfreeze myself, to not cry in front of any of these people.
Nina walked away, I watched her go as I take another swing from my bottle. The liquid burned my throat but it did nothing to get rid of the bitterness Maddison had left in my stomach.
I made my way out of the house, not wanting to see Maddison. However, not a minute later, Maddison stood before me, a wicked grin on her face.
"You're in love with her, aren't you?"
"Fuck off, Maddison," I sighed, walking past her.
"That was a rhetorical question," she carried on, walking right beside me. "everybody can tell you are. It's pathetic how you trail around her, you know? How you look at her like she's everything and she looks at you like you're another girl, another one of my girls."
"Maddison, honestly, I'm not in the mood to be fucked with right now—"
"But don't you see it, though?" She carried on, resting on someone's car when I stopped walking, turning away from her, hoping she'd get the hint. "Honestly, Becca, I thought you were smarter than that. All of you, you're all have something of me, something you'll never get rid of, something that will keep you from ever truly giving yourself to someone. It's there, isn't it? When you're with Asha, it's there. Maybe a thought, maybe a feeling that stops you from trying for more, hell, maybe it's my voice telling you that you'll never be enough for her. And guess what, you'll never be enough for her. You won't be because... because you lack something, you're missing something, even before me. There's something you don't have that will never let you belong to someone—"
"But I was good enough when you wanted me?" I asked her, turning around to see the smile on her face. I was playing right into her game but I was so fucking angry. I was doing exactly what she wanted me to do.
"Have you ever wondered why it was so easy for me to manipulate all of you? To get you to forgive me time after time?" She asked, her eyes glazing. "Baby, you're all so full of yourselves you don't see what's right before your eyes. Nina's a controlling freak that needed someone to give her a bit of chaos to feel alive. Lottie's ego made her think she could have all she wanted and couldn't even think she was being played with. Maggie's much more of the same. Cassie, well, I actually just liked fucking Cassie. But you? Four years trailing after me, longer than any of them. Baby, you're the saddest of them all. But you already know why, don't you?
"You knew exactly what I was, who I was... you were like me– or more like you pretended to be like me." Maddison bit her lip, smiling wickedly, reminding me of the Cheshire cat. I wanted to run away from her because I knew exactly what she was going to say and I didn't want to hear it from her. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to move. "Yet you stayed, you stayed after everything I did to you. After all the shit I pulled on you and you stayed. There's gotta be a word to describe that, something stronger than pathetic.
"That's what you are, Rebecca." She carried on, moving away from the car and standing straight. "So pathetic that you don't realise you're basically begging for someone to love you, to give you some attention. It's sad what you'd do for it, tell me, if I tell you I love you, would you take me back? If I treat you nice, would you forgive me like you used to? You're not good at this, Becca. You'll never be loved, she will never love you. Love just isn't made for people like you and me that's why I kept you around, that's why you forgave me all the time because deep down, you and I both know we're never going to be the type of person that gets the girl at the end."
My anger was starting as a small flame but it was slowly being fuelled by her, defrosting me and by the time she finished... I knew exactly what I was going to say. Because if she hurt me, then I'll hurt her double.
And just because when she finished her little speech, a little bulb went off in my head. She might have not meant to but I heard what she really meant, what she was saying and why she was saying it.
"You love her, too," I whispered, surprising the both of us. Maddison... Maddison actually loved her.
"And she loved me," she said, her voice angry. "If you hadn't—"
"You think she loves you?" I laughed at her.
Any sort of coherent reasoning was thrown out the window the minute Maddison finished her cheap monologue. I was perhaps a little too angry.
A little too angry - meaning that I was past the point of no return and all I wanted was to hurt her so bad that she'd regret her words for years to come and that the mere thought of my name made her feel sick to her stomach.
I grabbed her hand, pulling her down the street towards my house.
"Let me show you just how much she loves you."