You laid wide awake in your cell, listening for any sound. You rolled over onto your side on the hard cot, groaning as the rock of a mattress left your back sore and aching. Your watch flashed up at you. 3:30 AM. You sighed. Where was he? You'd been a mess of emotions ever since you'd been returned to your cell. Snoke's words rung in your ears, but you still weren't exactly sure how to process them. Your initial reaction of anger had faded a bit, but it was still definitely there. You felt sick to your stomach as you thought about Leia, loosing her only child to the First Order. He wasn't dead, you knew that now, but he might as well have been. He wasn't the same. Her Ben was long gone. At least thats what he'd told you. You weren't sure if you believed him. You flashed back to those moments where he'd shown you genuine compassion. When he'd held you against him in the shower, supporting your weak body under the stream of the water. And when he'd hugged you against him the night before, laying your head on his chest as his strong heartbeat sounded in your ears. In those moments, you'd seen the human in him. He wasn't Kylo Ren. He was just a man, holding you tight in his arms. You needed to talk to him. Really talk to him. You weren't going to let him silence you, or run away. Either he would answer your questions, or you would go back to Snoke. You felt like you had a little bit of leverage as you rolled over again, pulling the thin raggedy blanket around you.
Stomp, stomp, stomp. Heavy footsteps sounded down the hallway, and you shot up, frantically smoothing your tangled hair. The footsteps slowed as they reached your door, the lock clicking open. It swung open, Kylo's figure storming into the room, slamming the door shut. His mask concealed his face, but his shoulders were tight. He walked over to you, stopping as he loomed over your head. You sat in awkward silence for what seemed like forever, his hidden eyes scanning your figure. Finally, you couldn't stand it anymore.
"So," You said coldly, "Ben." Kylo shot forward with a growl, his gloved hands pinning you down against the mattress. You squeaked, terror in your eyes as he trapped you underneath him, his chest heaving.
"Don't." He seethed, his modulated voice spilling out of his helmet.
"Why not?" A flame of bravery burned in you, spurring you on. "That's your name."
"It's not." His words were threaded with an icy, rage filled tone. But for some reason, you didn't stop.
"It is, and you're going to tell me everything I want to know," You hissed, staring at him through thin eyes, "Or I'm going back to Snoke." An aggravated huff came from his mouth, and he considered you for a moment, his body hovering of yours. Finally, he pulled back, standing up straight. You rolled your eyes, sitting up again and sighing.
"Good." You said, looking at him annoyedly, motioning towards the side of your cot. When he didn't move, you flicked your hand towards it. "Sit." You ordered, your lips in a thin line. He paused, but finally moved to the edge of the mattress, sitting down.
"I want to see you face," You added, your face stern. He whipped his head towards you. You could tell he was aggravated, his fists clenched again and his shoulders tight. But you didn't give in, continuing to stare at him with wide eyes until he finally reached up to the back of his helmet, a hissing sound coming as it unlocked. With a loud huff, he pulled it forward over his head, his dark mop of hair springing free. He looked down at the ground, his lips pulled into a frown.
"You do not get to order me to do things." He whispered.
"No," you responded, glaring, "Right now, I do." He exhaled sharply through his nose. You continued.
"Why didn't you tell me?" You pressed, your eyes softening. His name ran through your mind. Ben. It was hard to connect the man sitting in front of you with who he really was. Or at least who he used to be.
"Because it was irrelevant." He breathed, refusing to look at you.
"It's not irrelevant," You hissed, "Why--how did you do it?"
"Do what?" He snapped, turning towards you with fiery eyes.
"Betray your family! The Resistance! Everything!" You cried, gesturing wildly. "Your parents loved you."
"You don't know anything," He responded through clenched teeth, "They didn't. They sent me away."
"Sent you away?" You furrowed your brows.
"They sensed the darkness in me," Kylo whispered, looking past you. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts now, his eyes drifting away from yours. "And they were scared of it. So they tried to snuff it out. They sent me to be trained. As a jedi." You stayed silent, watching him with wide eyes. "but Luke..." His face hardened, lip twitching slightly, "He didn't trust me. He knew that Snoke was in my head, and he-" Kylo stopped.
"He what?" You questioned after a few moments of silence. Kylo turned back to you slowly, his eyes like ice.
"He tried to murder me." He whispered, his voice quivering with rage. "My own uncle." You stared at him, not knowing what to say.
"Kylo I-" You reached forward without thinking, instinctively putting your hand on top of his. Instantly, he recoiled, his face twisted in rage. You frowned, leaning away.
"I'm sorry," You mumbled, looking down, embarrassed. "I didn't know about that."
"Of course you didn't." He replied coldly, "and that's why you will never understand."
"But I do understand" You snapped back, shifting towards him again, "I know what it feels like to be abandoned. I never knew my parents." You paused, searching for emotion in his eyes. You took a deep breath, continuing. "Regardless of what happened, I know that your mother loved you. She still does. The way she would talk about you--it was like you were the best thing that ever happened to her." Kylo sat motionless at the edge of the cot, but you saw his irises flicker with something other than rage.
"You saw the memory," You pressed on, scooting closer slowly. "Of when she told me about you." He nodded slowly. "It made you angry." You remembered him back in the interrogation chamber, slicing ferociously into the wall with his saber, melted metal curling away from the red blade.
"Yes." Was all he said in response, his shoulders still tensed.
"I have more." You whispered, trying to soften your expression. "Memories. I can show them to you." He flicked his gaze towards you, a storm raging behind his pupils. His lips parted slightly, but then closed again. You wished you knew what he was thinking as he stared at you in silence, a mix of emotions across his face. Finally though, he nodded. His compliance took you by surprise, and you tried not to look too shocked as you slid closer to him. You closed your eyes as he raised a gloved hand to the side of your head, feeling the pressure of his invasion press against your brain. But this time, it wasn't painful. You were still in control, bringing forward the memories you wanted him to see. One started to play behind your eyes, as if it was a recording.
You were with Leia in her tent, sorting through old boxes. You'd looked over at her, seeing that she'd paused as she opened one, her eyes foggy.
"General?" You'd questioned, stepping towards her.
"Oh, yes, sorry," She chuckled, blinking away whatever tears were brimming in her waterline. "Look at this." She handed you a stack of pictures, a little boy's face meeting your gaze. He was smiling from ear to ear, his dark, shaggy hair falling into his raven eyes. A larger man sat with him, his arms wrapped around the boy's body in a tight embrace. They were sitting in a small silver room, a control panel behind them.
"That's Han," Leia had said, pointing at the man and smiling weakly. Han. you knew who he was, but you'd never seen his face. "And that," Leia's face broke out in a wide smile, her eyes beaming, "that's Ben." You'd looked closer at the boy. You could see parts of Leia in him. He had her smile, and her dimples. You grinned at the picture, running you finger along the edge.
"He was adorable," You whispered, admiring the photo.
"You should have seen him as a teenager," She laughed, taking the stack of photos back from you, "You would have liked him." She fanned the stack out, finding another picture buried in the pile. She handed it to you, her fingers lingering as you took it from her. An older boy met your gaze, around the age of 16. He had the same dark hair, framing his thin, freckled face. He was tall, clothed in a brown leather jacket and black pants. He was cute, you had to admit. His lips were pulled into a slight smirk, his dimples standing out against his cheeks. Embarrassingly, you blushed, feeling your face grow hot. You turned away from Leia quickly, trying to hide it.
"I'm sure I would have loved him," You'd chuckled, handing her the photo and going back to grabbing another box and sorting through its contents. As the memory faded away, you felt the tightness in your mind lessen, opening your eyes slowly as reality sunk back in. You shook your head, clearing the fog from your brain. When you finally came all the way back, you glanced over at Kylo, not knowing exactly what to expect. But when you met his gaze, your breath evaporated from your lungs.
He was staring at you with a look that you didn't recognize. It wasn't angry. It wasn't sad. You had no idea what to make of it. His eyes were drowning in a mixture of emotions--none of which you could identify. He was breathing heavily, his hands shaking slightly. You opened your mouth to say something, but just as you did, Kylo shot forward, grabbing your face in his hands and slamming your lips against his.
You yelped surprisedly against him, but your voice was drowned out against his mouth, smothering you. He leaned you back, one of his hands moving to the small of your back and guiding you down to lay against the mattress. His body pressed up against you, almost making you lightheaded as you struggled to suck in air between kisses. His tongue slipped into your mouth, swirling around yours hungrily. You kissed him back, melting against his figure and grasping at his robes. He responded, pulling away and ripping off his belt. He threw it to the floor, moving to the layers over his chest. A few moments later, his bare skin was revealed as he loomed over you on his knees, staring down at your body, drenched in hunger. You bit your lip as he shifted on top of you, moving his hands slowly up your thighs, tracing a line up your stomach and stopping at your sternum. You hummed as he started to unbutton your shirt, never once breaking eye contact. It was electric, the way he was looking at you. It was the same way a man who'd been starved near to death would look at his first meal. You felt as though you couldn't breathe as he finally finished with the buttons, sliding your shirt down your arms. He tossed it to the ground, moving his hands back to your chest and slipping your bra straps off your shoulders. In a smooth movement, he slid one hand under your back, unhooking the clasp without struggle. The fabric fell from your body, exposing your bare breasts to the cold air. His eyes flashed with lust, his lip twitching slightly as he slid his hands over your waist, tracing up until he reached your tits. He squeezed at them suddenly, sending a tingling sensation through your skin. You moaned, arching your back and thrusting your hips towards him. He smirked, those same dimples from your memory carved into his cheeks.
Now that you really thought about it, you weren't sure how you hadn't connected the dots before about who he was. He looked exactly the same from when you'd seen those pictures, just older. You guessed that you just hadn't really thought about it. You still couldn't really bring yourself to believe that he was Ben Solo. Leia's son. The reality of it just refused to sink in. You couldn't imagine him as the boy in those pictures, smiling at his mom without a care in the world. He was just a regular person back then. He didn't know Snoke. He didn't know the First Order. He was harmless. He was human.
You barely even realized that he'd returned his lips to yours as you laid, lost in your thoughts, eyebrows furrowed. But he bucked against you suddenly, shaking the cot violently, and you snapped out of it. With a grunt, you pulled away from him, pushing your palms against his bare chest. He looked at you confusedly, his hair hanging down into his eyes from above you. You sighed, shifting from under him and sitting up, pulling the blanket over your bare breasts. He sat back on his calves, staring at you.
"I'm sorry," You breathed, brushing your hair from your face, "I'm just--I'm having trouble."
"With what?" He asked, almost sounding aggravated.
"With you," You gulped, "With who you are." His jaw tensed, and he looked away from you. You couldn't read his expression, but he definitely wasn't happy.
"I am not-" he paused, exhaling sharply through his nose, "I am not Ben Solo anymore." The sound of the name on his lips made you shiver. "It would be helpful for you to forget about it."
"But I can't," You whispered, sliding closer. His eyes flicked towards you as he bit his lip frustratedly. "I can't forget." His broad shoulders slumped forward as he reached up and ran a hand through his hair, sighing.
"You'll have to." He said coldly, turning back to you. "If that's going to be a problem, then I should leave."
"No-" You said quickly, throwing yourself towards him. Your hand landed on his chest, the sensation of his bare skin against yours making your nerves tingle excitedly. He looked down at your small palm pressed against him, glancing up at you with half-lidded eyes. You stared back at him, a weak smile on your lips. "I want you to stay," You breathed, tracing your fingers along his collarbone and up to his chin. You cupped his face in your hand, half-waiting for him to pull away--to reject you. But he didn't. Instead, he just sat in silence, watching your every movement. The quiet was deafening, the only sound now the beating of your heart. You gulped, not knowing what to say. It was true, you were struggling to connect Kylo to Ben. It was weird, knowing who he was now. You imaged what could have been if he'd never fallen to the dark side. What if he'd stayed in the Resistance. Maybe you two would have met there. Maybe you would have fallen in love, without the constraints of the First Order holding you back. But deep down you knew that it didn't matter what his name was. Whoever was sitting in front of you was someone you cared about. More than you'd ever meant to.
But you quickly realized that you didn't need to say anything at all. He was listening to your thoughts, his eyes flicking over your face as you smiled hopefully at him. Your heart almost exploded as his lips curled into a faint smile, his eyes softening. You let out a relieved sigh, shifting towards him and sliding next to his body. You glanced nervously at his expression as you laid your head gingerly against his shoulder, praying that he wouldn't pull away. He didn't, instead yanking you towards him, your body pressed tightly against his. You sighed again as you listened to his heartbeat, closing your eyes.
"So what are you telling Snoke tomorrow?" You asked, your eyes still shut.
"Shhh," Kylo hushed you, his hand on the small of your back, "I don't want to discuss that now." You frowned, but let it go. You didn't want to ruin this moment. You lifted your head off his shoulder, glancing at him quickly before pressing your lips against his, running your hands into his hair and grasping the back of his neck. He groaned quietly, leaning you back onto the mattress again. He moved from your lips, sucking red and purple welts along your neck. You hummed underneath him as he kissed down to your tits, his lips tracing around one of your nipples. You moaned as he sucked it into his mouth, his tongue twirling over it and sending fireworks through your nerves.
"Fuck," you breathed, your head rolling back. He moved down your chest, drawing a line down your stomach with his tongue. He reached the hem of your pants, not skipping a beat as he grabbed forcefully at the fabric and ripped it down your legs. You helped, kicking them off your feet and onto the ground. You were fully naked under him, seeking friction of any kind. You could see his bulge through his robes, and you grasped greedily at his pants. He smirked, quickly pulling them off his legs. His cock sprung free, hanging between your spread legs as he hovered over you. He fisted it with his giant hands, jerking himself as he watched you with ravenous eyes.
"Shit," You breathed, watching it with wide eyes as you clit throbbed demandingly.
"What do you want?" He whispered, a choked moan escaping his lips.
"I want you," You gulped, your cunt aching as you stared at him. He nodded, jerking himself harder, his jaw clenching tightly, his eyes rolling back.
"Lie back," He ordered, freeing one hand to push you down into the mattress. You complied, your head hitting a little to hard against the rock-hard surface. You grimaced, but ignored the pain as Kylo shifted on top of you, spreading your legs father open. With one strong, almost painful thrust, he split you open, his dick sinking into you.
"Fuck! Kylo--" You screamed, wrapping your limbs around him and digging your nails into his bare skin. You drew dark red lines along his back and arms as he pushed deeper into you, your walls clenching tightly around him. Pleasure exploded inside you like a broken dam, spilling into every inch of your body. Your skin tingled, your nerves dancing as he ran his hands along your waist, his fists squeezing your breasts.
"Yes," You breathed into his hair, which was falling into your face, "Yes--ugh--" Your voice spurred him on, and he thrust harder into you, picking up a steady rhythm. You moaned as he brought his lips back to yours, taking ragged breaths in between kisses. He groaned against your mouth, his hands tightening around your tits. You could tell he was close, his breath getting shallow and his pace slowing slightly as his thrusts became sloppier. You were too, pressure building up in a tight ball in your stomach. You groaned, pulling at his hair as your head rolled back, your eyes disappearing behind closed lids. Suddenly, he raised his body up as he continued to sink into you, his eyes scanning your face. His lips were parted, heaving breaths escaping them. He shot one of his hands forward, grabbing your scalp and forcing your head back into the mattress. His other hand closed around your throat, but not too tight. You could still breathe, the only effect of his grasp a stronger throbbing of your clit. You moaned, bucking towards him, which only made him squeeze tighter.
"You'll cum when I tell you to." He ordered, his eyes locked on you. You nodded to the best of your ability, his hand still wrapped around you throat. With that, he pushed even deeper into you, your moan getting cut off by his grip silencing you. He leaned down and buried his head in the crook of your neck, sucking and biting at your skin. His lips trailed back to yours, kissing feverishly at your mouth and chin.
"Three," He breathed into your ear, thrusting violently. You screamed.
"Two," you could feel yourself about to explode, not able to hold it in any longer.
"One." He whispered against you, catching your mouth in a deep kiss as you finally let go, your orgasm sending shivers through your limbs. Your clit throbbed, your walls clamping around his dick as you rode him through your climax, the waves of pleasure coursing through your body. You listened through closed eyes as he did the same, his cum spilling into you. He continued to sink into your cunt as his orgasm died down, choked moans catching in his throat. The hot, humid air between your bodies made beads of sweat slide down your skin, slicked through your hair. You took a deep, needy breath as he finally raised his body off of yours, his hand leaving your throat. He heaved over you, his fingertips tracing along your sternum and finally leaving your body as they grazed over your tits one last time. He pulled out, sliding away from you and hanging his legs over the side of the cot. You watched him with tired eyes, still trying to catch your breath. He just sat there for a while, staring blankly at the plain wall. You furrowed your brows, but shrugged and turned over onto your side, pulling the thin blanket over your naked body. You closed your eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted. You started to drift off, your body still buzzing with warmth from Kylo's touch.
But just as you were almost asleep, your mind fading away, you felt a movement behind you. You froze, eyes open wide in shock as Kylo slid onto the cot next to you, his chest pressing up against your back and his legs weaving between yours. Your heart raced as he lowered his arm over your side, pulling you towards him. You body fit against his like a puzzle, perfectly sinking into the curves of his figure. Your mind couldn't process what was happening as he nuzzled into you, his head fitting into the crook of your shoulder. His breath tickled the side of your chin as he exhaled through his nose, your skin tingling with excitement and surprise.
"Kylo-" You whispered, your body stiff and frozen.
"Shhh," he quieted you, wrapping his arm tighter around your waist. You smiled in disbelief, feeling genuine happiness creep into your heart for the first time in a while. You melted into him, hearing his heartbeat slowly start to thump in sink with yours. You closed your eyes again, a wide smile still painted across your lips. Kylo's warmth engulfed you as you drifted off to sleep, your conscience somehow forgetting about all of your other problems. He was all you needed. As long as you had him, you were happy. Really, truly happy, and you couldn't believe that that was how you felt. You just couldn't help it anymore.
But the happy feeling brought a terrifying thought to your mind, one that you shielded from Kylo's listening at all costs. It terrified you more than any threat of death. It made you want to sink into a deep sleep and never wake up. You hated to even entertain it, but the cursed words slipped into your brain anyway, making you shiver.
Did you love Kylo Ren?