Dad and Theodore -my brother- are already in a middle of a discussion when I enter, mom looks up from her phone and her grey eyes holding a shade of blue because of her dress, land on me and suddenly there is an undeniable shine in it as she abruptly stands up, her whole face lighting up as I smile at her.
"My baby!" She squeals and the next moment I'm in her tight embrace, "Oh I missed you so much, my little baby," she gushes.
I hug her back and from her shoulder, I can see now everyone is looking at us with wide smiles, except Avery of course. "You've gotten so thin honey, have you been sick? Did you visit a doctor? Why didn't you tell me?" She holds me in an arms-length as she starts looking over my face with worry in her eyes.
"Lizzy give the child a break," Dad says as he pushes mom aside with a wide grin, his green eyes shining, grey curly hair ruffled, showing a hard day from work. His specs, as usual, having fingerprints all over the glasses.
He hugs me tightly as he says, "Good to have you back my bright little one." Then steps aside.
I'm immediately tackled with Theo's bone-crushing hug, as he picks me up swirls me around saying "I missed you gamma-ray!" And I burst out laughing. He puts me down suddenly his expression becoming very serious, his eyebrows draw together, "I am so mad at you! You skipped your own brother's engagement ceremony!" The lightness and playfulness in his tone make me giggle at him.
"Well you should've chosen the date more carefully, it was in the middle of my exams." I defend mirroring his expression and he huffs.
"You are not skipping my wedding, engineer Eleanor Evans." He says and wraps his arms around my shoulder and his fiancée walks to us with a nervous smile.
I had seen her a few times when they were dating, but I never talked to her. I try to put my own nervousness aside and smile brightly at her. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do or say. Do I shake hands with her? Or maybe hug? I really don't know.
Grace stands right in front of me, looking equally confused. "It's great to see you again." She says, her voice soft and sweet. Her blond hair in loose curls as they reach below her chest, her baby blue eyes glancing at Theo for reassurance, as she pushes a strand of hair behind her ear.
"It's lovely to see you again, and congrats for the whole engagement thing... I guess? Sorry I couldn't make it." Everyone starts laughing and Theo playfully pinches the side of my arm.
"It's fine, it was inconsiderate of us to fix the date in the middle of your exams." She replies with a warm smile.
"Well if you're all done, how about we finally eat something?" Avery's irritated voice draws everyone's attention.
With a sigh or annoyed look, everyone starts to sit down. Mom and dad on either end of the dining table, Theo and Grace sit next to each other, Avery sits between mom and Theo, leaving an empty chair between herself and Theo, meaning I have to sit on the other side all by myself.
"Dad said you're taking a year off?" The moment I sit Theodore shoots the question and I only nod making him frown, "Why though? It's not a clever move El."
I roll my eyes at him as I put my elbows on the table, and lock my hands together, putting my chin on it. "I need a break, that's why. I didn't even have a break the summer high school ended; I just need to stay away from the academic world for a while to regain my energy."
"That's very unwise, anything can happen in a year, you seriously want to risk losing the chance to study at Harvard?" His stare is cold and it feels like it's weighing me down.
I look away and swallow hard.
"I'm not risking anything," I say as I lean back and cross my arms in front of my chest.
"Yes, you are! I don't even get it why mom and dad agreed to this! You're going to waste a whole year of your life doing what exactly? Reading some sci-fi books? I thought you were smarter than that!" He scoffs and leans back into his own chair.
I feel awfully attacked. I wish he would just stop.
Mom rolls her eyes and clears her throat as she pushes down her specs to the edge of her nose looking at Theo from above it.
"If she wants to take a year off, to start with good energy and regain her strength again, so she can be the top student in Harvard too, then I and your father completely support her; I'm already worried about her health, look how pale she looks and how much weight she's lost. I'm not very keen on the idea of sending her away for another couple of years following these four years, just after I've got her back."
"Harvard is only four, maximum five hours drive mom, it's not that far." His annoyance is completely visible as he glances from mom to me and then back to mom.
"She has decided to do a few online works, as well as studying brain waves, which she can easily do by spending time in Michael's clinic and labs. This year she will grow her knowledge in this area, then she can start stronger at Harvard. I respect her decision and you should do it too." She firmly states.
"Your mother's right son. She can gather all the data she needs from my labs, I can even teach her a few things, I believe it's an acceptable move, of course, I don't like it much, but if she thinks this is the best for her, then I will support her." Dad says, his voice strong and firm, daring Theo to continue.
Theo fixes his green eyes on me, observing me closely as I glare at him. "I know one thing Eleanor, when you distance yourself from this 'academic world'" he air quotes it before shaking his head and continues, "and busy yourself with work, it gets very hard to get back on track. I personally believe you can easily continue and still be the top student without any effort, but I'm hesitant about you distancing yourself from this whole studying and student life, and then getting back to it. Adapting to studying that much again is way harder than you think. Your whole life you've been number one, I'm not sure you can handle not being first... and taking this one-year break puts you at risk. I'm just worried about you."
I know he's telling the truth but I just can't. I need to get out of this loop and I can't tell him that, not in front of everyone, and not even when no one would be around. He is right and he knows it but I just can't.
It's an impractical and maybe even irrational move... but mentally I can't.
"You're right, I've thought about them too... but then there are a lot of things I've put under consideration and taken this decision, and if you care for me then you would stop this discussion right here, because you know if you continue you might be able to convince me, but I need you to put all the stuff they thought you in law school behind and just be a brother and try to understand." If you rather have your sister talking and everything instead of under dirt with a tombstone in a graveyard with her name on it. But obviously I don't say that out loud.
He looks defeated and after few minutes he nods his head and offers me a weak tight-lipped smile.
"Avery, how's work?" Dad asks, and I can't be more grateful for finally, the spotlight is no longer on me.
Avery on the other hand, shifts uncomfortably, her back stiff as she leans a bit forward to look at dad. "I don't go to work dad." Her voice is even stiffer and her eyes fixed on the vase in the middle of the dining table.
Dad's expression is pure fury and disappointment, his eyebrows draw together, and his green eyes narrow on Avery. Before anyone could say anything, two housemaids walk into the hall and start placing our plates of food -pasta- in front of each of us. With a wave of mom's hand, they hurry out.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Mom's sharp and clipped voice cuts through the silence.
"It means I got fired." She grumpily says.
"That is not a way a young lady is supposed to talk." Mom snaps.
"When did you get fired?" Dad asks, his voice dripping with contaminated anger.
"Five months ago." She carefully answers avoiding everyone's eyes.
Mom gasps and Theo shakes his head with disappointment, poor Grace shifts uncomfortably.
"Do you still have your flat?" Dad asks with icy rage.
"No, I couldn't pay the rents and bills." By hearing this mom claps her hand on her mouth. Avery glances at her and then to me, glaring hard and I immediately avert my eyes to my food.
"Where are you staying then?" This time Theodore asks with genuine curiosity.
"At a friend's house." She bluntly replies. She almost looks and sounds as if she's bored.
"At a friend's house!" Mom repeats Avery, shrieking, "Is this how I brought you up? To stay at your friend's house even though we are in the same city? Is this what sophisticated girls do? I taught you to be a good, elegant young lady but instead, you become homeless and shame us!" Mom yells at her, flames of anger dancing in her eyes.
The thing with mom is, she has always been obsessed with having good children, her kids are her pride and we must be good. This being good has been lectured and taught through years and years of teaching manners and in short raising us, though Avery has always been the odd one, it seems like she has sworn to do everything in her power to go against this very detailed description of being good.
"You have shamed us, time and time again." Dad starts, he removes his glasses and rubs his tired face and I can already say the rest of his talk is not going to be pleasant. "Education was always important to us, my grandfather had studied in Oxford, your grandfather had studied at Harvard, and then I went to Harvard, then your brother went Harvard, even your younger sister will be going to Harvard in a year! But you Avery! I see no accomplishment from you! I have never seen any sort of success! What are you doing with your life exactly? You nearly dropped out of high school, have never lasted in a job longer than six months, don't even have a stable relationship. As your father, I demand to know what are you doing with your life? If I am a bad father then how come my two other children are so successful?" Dad rages on.
In any other circumstances, or maybe if I was a different person, I would've snorted at that one. I am by no means successful. Theo, yes, but me? Absolutely not.
He continues, "I knew you weren't the studying type, and I get that, not everyone enjoys it. I was ready to pay any expense so you could start what you like. When you dropped out of college, I was disappointed but I tried to understand you, but now I can't. I really don't know what you're doing, why you're doing it, and I'm starting to lose patience." He leans back into his chair, puts his glasses on, and fixes his hard stare on Avery.
"Why can't you just be like your brother or sister? Look how successful they are, how proud they make us. Why can't you just learn from Eleanor to be a good girl!" Mom sharply says, Avery turns to face her, for a split second her expression is blank before she gives a humorless laugh.
"Eleanor? Learn from her!" She spats. "What am I supposed to learn from her? How to be a loser? How to be a prude? Eleanor is anything but successful, she is basically the dumbest girl I've ever seen! All she has ever done in her entire goddamn life was studying and being a 'good girl' for you. She doesn't even have an independent character for herself."
Ouch!
"That's enough!" Dad roars but Avery fixes her stare on him unflinching.
"I'm telling the truth. In this room the only loser is El, and you all are too blind to even see it. I will not let you two compare me to her; at the end of the day, at least I'm living, what is she doing?" Her eyes shooting daggers at me.
She is right though, there is no denying that. I try to swallow down the lump forming in my throat as I fix my stare on the plate of food before me. My heart thudding loudly in my chest, it feels like a pair of hands squeezing my throat. I need air but I don't think it's wise to excuse myself in the middle of something like this.
"I think we've done enough talking for now, let's just eat, the food has probably gone cold," Theodore states and starts to eat.
It looks like everyone agrees -even mom and dad. Soon the only sound in the room is the clattering of forks on china plates.
I pick my fork and start to twirl it in my hand as I try to find my lost appetite. I raise my fork to my mouth and nibble on the piece of pasta, I feel like if I eat anything I'll throw up. Eventually, I just give up.
"Eleanor honey, you didn't like the food? You liked pasta... it's okay, we can tell the chef to cook something else for you." Mom's concerned voice forces me to look up, her gaze is fixed on me as she has leaned forward. Her shoulder-length silky brown hair cascading her face, a few strands pushed behind her ear on each side, her eyes narrowed but she forces a weak smile to her face.
"Oh, it's great, I'm just not hungry." I weakly smile at her.
She sighs and leans back into her chair, looking at dad. "Do you want me to call in your desert early?" She gently asks and I shake my head no.
"So, Theodore, still content on your plan?" Dad thankfully asks.
Theo munches down his bite as he looks up from his plate, he straightens himself a bit and nods his head. "It's more convenient, my office is on that side of the city, New York traffic is hell, plus it's only me and Grace we don't need a lot of space." He shrugs and dives back into his food.
"But you will be planning to have kids." Mom points out, but it sounds more like a question and Grace's cheeks turn bright red.
"Yes, mom." Theo looks at her, annoyance all over his face as he picks up his wine glass and takes a sip, "But definitely not the first three years." He puts down his glass and Avery snorts trying to suppress her laughter. He glares at her and then goes back to eating his food. "Plus, El could come and stay a few days with us anytime she visits, for shopping and stuff."
"Oh, that would be lovely." Grace grins at me, I wonder what Theo has told her about me that makes her think I'm cool to be around, I return her smile or at least try to.
"Where exactly are you planning to shift?" I ask.
"Around Manhattan." He replies without looking up. "One of the top floors of a skyscraper." He looks up and grins at me.
Dad starts asking Theo random questions about his work and everything else. Eventually, they all start talking about the things that have happened to them or happen in their daily basis, but I can't hear a word as Avery's words replay in my mind, and then slowly every thought from the party, the things Adrien and Amelia said, and slowly every hurtful snare or comment throughout college, every bully's comment fill my mind.
I repeat the four years of my college, it feels like this black horrendous whirlwind in my head is going to consume me.
I need to break free before it ends me, I have to! I have to give myself one last shot, one last try.
I didn't realize when I picked my fork again and started twirling it in my hand and then I just drop it as I make my decision. I will be reckless for the first time in my life, I have to. The fork falls on the plate, clattering loudly making everyone go quiet.
"El honey, is something wrong? Are you alright?" Mom asks worriedly and just as she pushes her chair back -probably to walk up to me and check to see if something's wrong with me- I blink a few times, trying to focus and clear my head as I say "Avery is right."
Avery chokes on the wine she was drinking, looking at me with wide eyes. Mom freezes and Theo looks from me to Avery and then back at me.
"I truly have done nothing in my life," I state, not looking at anyone in particular.
"What do you mean honey? You're such a-" Mom starts but I interrupt her immediately.
"No mom! No! All I've ever done was study, keep my grades high, and tried to be a good child for you, nothing more! I've done none of the things that any twenty-one-year-old has ever done." I say, annoyed, my voice is a bit higher than usual.
"Because you chose to study." Mom calmly reasons but I shake my head.
"No mom! That's not it! Theo studied too! He was always the top student in his class, look at him, and then look at me! He's had his fair share of parties and girlfriends in high school and college. When high school ended, he even went on a one-month road trip with his friends, he went on another road trip in the second year of his college! But what have I done? What memory do I have from my teenage years other than studying or reading some random books?" And being bullied, "I've been living worse than a robot! The truth is I haven't been living, I've just been passing my days, and for what? For some idiotic grades that a few years from now, no one will care or remember. But I did ruin my teen years, and the four years of my college." Frustrated, I push my hand into my hair as mom looks at me the way she looks at her patient, crying for a miracle.
"Electrical Engineering is harder and more time consuming than law, El." Theodore slowly says, looking at me pointedly.
"You should be proud, you don't value it because you've always had it, do you know how many students dream to be in your place?" Dad calmly says, looking at me with gentle eyes.
"Proud of what dad? Value what? Even you had it better than me!" I look at him desperately, he is the only one who tries his best to understand us.
"Can't you see?" My voice wavers as I say it, "Can't you see I'm stuck in this huge never-ending loop? I feel like I'm being suffocated!" My voice breaks at the end, making dad frown deeply. "I sacrificed my whole life, doing what satisfies people around me, getting good grades so you two could be proud of me, being the goody-two-shoes my whole life, constantly worrying about my behavior and actions, so I'd be good enough for you. Can't you see I've missed out on everything!" I feel the tears stinging my eyes, not wanting to let them fall I close my eyes and take a deep breath to push them away and calm my ragged breathing.
Dad's eyes are fixed intently on me, as Theo looks at me like he might cry any moment now. Grace looks sadly from me to her fiancé and then to her future father in law. Avery's eyebrows are raised so high making her look almost comical and Mom has pressed her lips into a thin tight line, her hand pressed to her chin.
Mom exhales sharply, regaining her poster after a few seconds and smiles at me. "I think all this studying has exhausted you. Maybe we can clear our schedule and go on a vacation together, how does that sound?" Mom's hopeful eyes lock to mine, her eyes twinkling as the light catches it.
"And do what? The same usual thing we will be doing here?" I wave my hand around, meaning this house, as I look at her disbelievingly.
Family vacation in this family, means being stuck in a hotel room for numerous hours as Mom and Dad navigate through their work from behind their laptop screens.
"I think a vacation with your friends might make you feel a lot better," Grace says, shyly but brightly as she offers me her usual friendly smile.
"I really don't know what my brother has told you about me, but by the looks of it, he has come up with impressive lies. Grace, I don't have any friends; want to know why? I was the girl with good marks in school and from elementary till the end of my high school, I was deliberately bullied every single day, the severity of it did change, but it never stopped, it was always there." I stop and inhale sharply.
"In college, I was the goody-two-shoes who everyone despised because they thought I believed they're not good enough to spend time with, because I skipped every party, every lunch anyone invited me just to ensure I will stay the top student." I bitterly say as I glare at Theo.
The room falls silent once again, no one daring to break it.
"So..." Avery starts, picking her glass of wine and gulping it down before looking at me and continues, "What are you gonna do? You can't bring those years back, you've just simply missed out on the experiences... you can't fix it, you have to build a time machine for that, so now what? Was this whole drama an excuse for you to drop out of Harvard?" She sounds bored as she puts her elbow on the table rests her head on her hand.
"I have a whole year before me..." I trail down and that's when an idea strikes on me, it's now or never. "I have a whole year to fix it. I have a whole year to catch up on everything that I've missed out. I'm not going to go to the lab to do research and fall into another loop, I'm going to live! I want to experience everything that I've missed out till now, and probably will miss out on, I want to live this 365 days."
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((Finally! So what are your thoughts? And what do you think about El's family? I hope you liked this chapter, if you did, don't forget to vote... BTW, what are your thoughts on the pace of the story and Eleanor's character?
Thanks for reading.))