I am shitting my pants.
There was no way in hell I would be able to walk on that carpet and perform with Harry not far away. There was no fucking way.
It has been a few months after he had released his album and he did super well, which was obvious. The only problem was now he is nominated for best album, which is the same award I am up for. I wasn't too worried when I found out, because I knew Harry never usually went to a lot of the award shows he was nominated for.
Well, guess who was mistaken.
My nerves were at an all time high and it definitely didn't help that the media was eating all of this up. I have never seen so many articles in my life about the same topic.
Like how? Whatever me and Harry had at the time wasn't even public, except for a few paparazzi shots. Oh right and after we broke things off some person from Camilles team leaked all of the information about Harry cheating on me with Camille.
I remember when I saw that I was about to go all WWE on Camilles team. I was already angered and heartbroken and that was the thing that made my anger overflow. I remember Kathrine having to talk me down for hours to not hop on a plane and punch every single person on Camilles team in the face.
"You ok?" I turned to the side of me to see Curtis look at me suspiciously. I sighed heavily before mumbling, "Not really." Curtis chuckled softly at my child like expression, which caused me to send him a harsh glare.
"You will be fine. You most likely won't even have to speak to him." I nodded slowly, before looking back out the window at the beautiful sights of London.
Another thing I was extremely nervous about was about my song. I was performing a new song at the Brits and lets say its quite obvious about who its about.
I had wrote the song a couple weeks after the situation between Camille and Harry. I remember being so angry at the time, so I wrote my feelings down into a song that I must say is a complete banger.
I wasn't nervous about the song more just what the reaction would be. When Harry released his album there was a big reaction to it and my song is definitely more obvious than his songs.
Like I said before, I was shitting myself.
As I continued to look out the car window, I practiced my breathing techniques and I was luckily able to calm down a bit more.
You will be fine, you won't even have to talk to him.
Before I knew it, we had arrived and Curtis was about to get out of the car. When the car door was opened, I heard tons of screams and before I could process anything I was pulled out as well.
When I was out of the car, the screams had gotten louder, which caused my heart to beat faster. It was still so insane to me that people liked my music and were fans of mine.
I pulled away from Curtis to a group of fans, who were waiting behind a gate. As soon as I reached them, the screams had gotten louder. I had momentarily completely forgotten about Harry.
"Sydney! Can I have a photo?"
"Sydney!"
"I love you!"
I smiled widely and tried to take as many photos as I could, before I was pulled away to walk the red carpet.
The nerves were slowly starting to crawl back, but I kept a smile on my face for the cameras that were absolutely everywhere.
I was quickly pulled on the red carpet, where I smiled at all of the cameras. Cameras always got me super nervous, but I had luckily gotten better at handling myself.
No more panic attacks thankfully.
My name was being called from tons of different directions and I tried my best to keep my calm composure. After a couple of minutes of snapping photos, I was thankfully able to leave the carpet.
Curtis waited at the end of the carpet for me with a huge smile. "All good?" I nodded quickly and responded, "Yeah, everything is ok so far." Curtis nodded at me before saying, "Lets go to out seats."
I was about to follow Curtis, but a name being called from the distance caused me to stop immediately.
Oh shit!
I couldn't control myself from looking over my shoulder and as soon as I did, I felt all the air leave my body. My mouth dropped slightly and I couldn't help but look at the man, who I was so nervous to see.
There Harry was on the red carpet looking out at the cameras. His outfit consisted of a dark brown suit with a purple sweater under it. He had grown some facial hair and his hair was a bit everywhere, but it looked amazing nonetheless.
He looked very him.
Harry had always had a very interesting and captivating fashion sense, but looking at him now from a distance, he looked great. He looked confident and happy.
A light tap on my shoulder brought me out of my trance and I looked forward to see Curtis looking down at me with a disapproving glance. I sighed heavily before saying, "Lets go." Curtis had mumbled something, but I didn't hear it as I quickly walked away from Harry.
The nerves were back and they were back to an all time high.
When we finally made it to our table, I was greeted with a few members from my team. When we were finally seated, I took another deep breath before looking out at the room to see Harry from across the room.
Well, at least I wouldn't have to be worried about sitting next to him.
I inspected his every move. With every step he took people looked in his direction and greeted him. He has always had that effect on people. Everyone wanted to talk to him and meet him.
As tons of people, came up to his table Harry seemed a little out of it though. He was constantly looking around with furrowed eyebrows. What was he looking for?
Before I knew it, the lights were dimmed and it was time for the show to start. I looked up at the stage to see Mabel, who is a British artist taking the stage. I took one last breath, before continuing to watch all the performers with a small smile on my face.
***
As the show went on, I slowly loss some of the nerves and laughed along to the jokes and watched the singers perform with a large smile on my face.
Every once in a while, I would look towards Harry direction to see him looking up at the stage as well. He looked so captivated in each performance.
Before I knew it, I heard the host speak through the microphone, "Here is Harry Styles singing Falling." My breath immediately hitched at the mention of the song choice. I felt a couple of stares over in my direction, but I kept my eye contact with the stage.
The sad music started to play and I looked up to see Harry Styles on the stage with a full white lace outfit. The outfit was beautifully done with lots of small intriguing techniques.
He looked beautiful.
"I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands."
I immediately looked down at my hands as Harry sang beautifully to the crowd. I have listened to this song many times and each time I had cried. I was determined to not cry this time. As I looked down at my palm on my lap, I continued to hear the beautiful vocals of Harry on stage.
I hated the effect on me, still to this day. You would think I would be over him completely, but him standing up on that stage caused so many memories to flood back.
All the happy moments of me being backstage watching Harry perform on his tour came back to me like a wave. I would always dance like a lunatic, while Harry performed. Especially during Kiwi, I would dance like a wild man.
As I continued to listen to Harry sing, I was starting to feel the small tears in my eyelids. I wouldn't let them fall though.
"What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again."
I couldn't stop myself from looking up at the stage for a quick glance, but I was pulled into the performance by Harrys eyes looking directly into mine.
He kept his eye contact with me and I noticed the small tears in Harrys eyes as well. I wasn't even focusing on the lyrics anymore, just the man staring at me with so much emotion.
Being in this situation now, I felt every emotion from the breakup crash back into my heart. As we continued to make eye contact, I felt all the sadness, anger, and heartbreak I had for Harry all over again.
He didn't have the right to look at me like that anymore.
He didn't have the right to make me feel all of these feelings again.
I pulled my eye contact away from my hand and back to my hand. Before I knew it, the music finally stopped and the room was filled with cheers and claps.
I couldn't bring myself to look back up again, even when the next performer was on the stage.
I kept direct eye contact with the floor. I was finally pulled back to reality, when I was pulled away to get ready for my performance.
When I was backstage, I quickly changed from my dress and I was handed a microphone. As I waited for my cue, I shook my hands and legs and prayed a silent prayer to my mom.
When the room turned black, I quickly walked to the center of the stage. I felt the presence of a few of my dancers.
When the music started to play, I brought the microphone up to my mouth and looked right at the center of the audience.
"I know we never said where we drew the line
But I was in your bed almost every night
I thought we made it clear how we felt, read the signs
But now there's nothing left
'Cause you did nothing right."
As I sang, from the corner of my eyes I saw my dancers dancing behind me. I started to move around the stage, while keeping my eye contact no where in particular in the direction of the center of the room.
"You had to go and ruin it
So you could get a quick fuck
I'm sure you had fun doing it
And I won't make a big fuss."
I started to dance along and I looked towards Harry direction to see him looking straight at me. He knew what this song was about. This brought a small smirk to my face, so I kept my eyes in the direction of his section
"But know we're off and we'll never be on again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
Don't wanna fight, I just never wanna talk again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
I know we weren't together but we're more than friends
Said you couldn't see me while she gave you head
So please, don't ever call again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
Yeah, I hope that it was worth it."
As I kept my eye contact with Harry, while I sang the provocative lyrics I felt superior. He hurt me so much and as immature as it is, I wanted him to feel and hear the pain I went through.
"You didn't wanna be like the boys from before
Well, look at what you did, 'cause you hurt me more
You didn't have to lie like the truth is a chore
I guess I can't be mad
'Cause I was never yours
You had to go and ruin it
So you could get a quick fuck
I'm sure you had fun doing it
And I won't make a big fuss."
I looked around to see many people standing and dancing along, as I sang. It felt good to know people enjoyed your music.
I felt good.
"But know we're off and we'll never be on again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
Don't wanna fight, I just never wanna talk again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
I know we weren't together but we're more than friends
Said you couldn't see me while she gave you head
So please, don't ever call again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
Yeah, I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
Yeah, I hope that it was worth it."
I continued to dance happily and it felt like it was just me on the stage. I was showing so much confidence and my growth. I was showing Harry that I was ok, that I wasn't the same naive girl anymore.
"Can't believe I was so stupid
Just another girl you ruined
My friends said I shouldn't do it
Should've listened, guess I blew it."
No, I was strong. I wouldn't let Harry hold me back anymore. As I sang, I felt all the anger for Harry leave. I was ok. Even if it sucked, deep down I felt free.
I couldn't let this hang over my heart any longer.
I was a confident woman, who knows her standards and what she deserves.
"But know we're off and we'll never be on again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
Don't wanna fight, I just never wanna talk again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
I know we weren't together but we're more than friends
Said you couldn't see me while she gave you head
So please, don't ever call again
I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn
Yeah, I hope that it was worth it, fucking Josslyn."
I ran back to the center of stage and looked back at Harry one last time. He watched me as I winked at him, before I sang the final lyric.
Cause I wasn't the one who messed up. No, he messed up and he knew it.
"Yeah, I hope that it was worth it."
I heard the claps and screams as I waved at the crowd from the stage. My smile was the biggest it has been, since forever. It felt good.
6.6 million likes/68,057 comments
{sydney.cross} BRITS 2020
kathrine.scott- queen
fanaccount- STUNNING
user- the sass towards Harry was everything
billie.ellish- Great to meet you!
hater- you are so over dramatic
lovelysyd- And that is how you slay the Brits. Periodt
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I'm just going to leave it there.
Stay safe!
(also just pretend that red carpet event is the Brits, I did not feel like photoshopping haha)
-Lexie xx
:)