Liam sighs, head in his hands in the empty apartment.
Emily is in class, and it's unsettlingly quiet. It's not often that he has time to sit down and think, and today it isn't going too well for him.
In short, he's stressed. And he doesn't really know why - he isn't at university since he had decided that further education would be great for his anxiety, but he does work two jobs and between the two of them, they exhaust him. One is just retail work at some burger place but the other is one that he cares about a lot; an apprenticeship for a journalist company.
And things have been going great in every aspect of his life lately. He's found a sort of balance where he isn't quite overworking himself, he has time to spend with his girlfriend whom he loves with all of his heart and time to spend with his family.
But he still has that worry that he should be doing more whenever he has the time to sit alone and actually breathe. He isn't sure it's a feeling that's ever going to leave.
He's older now anyway.
Backtracking a few years, he would have forced himself to do something productive to fill the time; be it school work or some meaningless task that he would attach importance to. And he's always end up worse off.
He understands well enough now that he's better off dis trees ancient himself from anything that might stress him out further - and that means his own solo company.
He picks up the phone and calls his Dad.
The phone rings a few times before it is answered.
"Hey kiddo. Everything okay?" The man asks immediately, because it's three pm on a Thursday afternoon and he's usually at work but today is just one of those days where his schedule is low.
He manages a tight smile. "Um, yeah, Dad...can I come over for dinner?" He asks quietly, because the thought of sitting down with his parents and brothers and just getting lost in the normalcy of it all sounds like the perfect medicine in that moment. "Only if it's okay, I'm just feeling anxious for no reason again and -"
"Bear, you know you don't even have to ask. Of course you can...do you need me or Pops to come pick you up?" He asks gently, the use of the childish nickname soothing him to no end.
The smile is a little easier this time as he stands up and swipes his car keys off of the counter. "It's okay. It's not that bad this time," he answers truthfully, thinking back to that one time he'd had a panic attack over the stress of moving away from home only for Dad to have to come and pick him up because he couldn't even imagine getting into a car in the state he'd been in. "Um. I'll be like, twenty minutes?" He says, and the man answers in the affirmative.
And its only fifteen minutes later that he's stepping into his home. His old home? He still never knows how to refer to it, because childhood home makes him feel as though he hasn't lived there for years when in reality, it's been eleven months.
Dad is there in an instant when he steps into the hall, drawing him into a hug, and it causes a pang in his chest when the man has to reach up to hug him. Maybe not by a whole lot, but enough. Still, Harry is already the same height as him and it's forever going to drive him crazy that his little brother is going to be taller than he is. Then again, he'll never have to worry about Niall being any higher than his shoulder, he supposes.
He gives the man a tight squeeze before he pulls away, smiling at the worry in the man's eyes.
"I'm okay, Dad. Really. I don't even know what caused it," he mutters, and his father just shakes his head.
"I'm just glad you called. I'm proud of you, you know that?" He says softly.
Liam smiles and opens his mouth to reply when Harry comes down the stairs towards them. He grins when he sees Liam.
"Li! I didn't know you were coming! Where's Em?" He asks, because the two of them mostly come as a package deal of sorts.
When the sixteen year old gets to the bottom of the stairs, Liam draws him into a hug, which he returns. "Just me today, bud. How's school?" He asks as he pulls away.
Harry shrugs. "Just school," he replies nonchalantly, as though he doesn't get flawless As without ever having to put in the slightest bit of effort. "Though, you should ask Niall the same thing," he says with a smirk at their Dad.
Liam frowns in confusion, because Niall is not the sort of person you ask about school. The kid just doesn't seem to gel with that whole environment.
"Is he in trouble again?" He asks, and Dad laughs.
"Nope. The opposite. He's been bringing home Bs for the past week, and not a single detention," he says, and Liam raises a brow.
"Really?" He questions, trying to hide his surprise as he glances around the hall. "Surprised he isn't here to tell me himself."
Dad chuckles, leading the way through to the living room. "No, he's on that phone of his again."
Liam grins when he spots the fourteen year old on the couch, surprisingly still for Niall. He bends over the sofa behind his youngest brother, the kid not even noticing him since he's so busy tapping away on his phone. Liam blows his hair from behind and Niall physically flinches, quickly shoving his phone in his pocket before turning with an annoyed frown which turns into a grin.
He leans up to throw his arms around Liam's neck and he laughs, feeling better already as he hugs him back.
"Li! Where'd you come from?" He asks, and Liam gives the smaller boy a squeeze before pulling away to ruffle his blond hair.
"That's a secret I'll never tell, Shorty," he says, making the boy pout and roll his eyes. Liam frowns when he sees how red and watery they are, growing concerned instantly because it looks a lot like the kid has been crying. "You okay?" He asks quickly.
Niall looks confused for a moment then quickly averts his gaze. "Oh, yeah. Allergies. Because of the pollen and stuff," he answers, and Liam gives a hesitant nod because Niall does get hay fever but not until the midst of summer usually...although, summer has started late this year and even though autumn is due to start, it's still pretty bright out.
"Dinner!" Papa calls from the kitchen, and Liam watches with a lingering frown as Niall doesn't scramble into the other room the way he always does. He takes his time instead, probably calmer that Liam has ever seen him.
He dismisses it when he steps into the kitchen only to be ambushed in a tight hug off of his Papa too. He wheezes out a laugh, wrestling against the man with a grin. "Papa! Again with the suffocating hugs," he says, making the man laugh before he presses a kiss to his temple.
"Good to see you, bud," he says, before handing him a plate loaded with mac and cheese. "And I just happened to be making your favourite when you called. It's kismet," he adds, making Liam grin as he sits down.
Niall is already tucking into his own plate, with Harry beside him watching with a crinkled up nose at the speed the kid eats at. And with Dad and Papa on either side of him, both periodically reaching across to squeeze his shoulder or give him a reassuring nudge, he's reminded that he isn't alone.
He never will be.
.
As soon as dinner is over, Niall excuses himself to the bathroom, wherein he promptly turns on the faucet with trembling hands and splashed some cold water on his face, willing his heart to slow down.
He ran out of weed the day before and he doesn't have enough money to buy more. And he knows it shouldn't be a big deal, because he's convinced his parents to let him crash at James' again on the weekend and he'll be able to score some for free there, but that's tomorrow and this is now and everything is faster than usual.
Or maybe it's the same pace it always has been before, but he isn't used to it and he can't handle it. He keeps waking up in the early hours with his heart practically palpitating outside of his chest and it's happening again now - beating so hard that he's sure it's about to break through his ribs.
He rubs the base of his palm over his sternum and tries to take an even breath, slamming his head back against the wall as he slips down it, sitting in the ground with his knees tugged in to his chest.
It isn't enough anymore.
The high doesn't last long and it doesn't feel the same that it did that first day, and he doesn't want to think about what that means or if it even means anything, he just knows he needs more. He doesn't care what, he just wants the spiralling thoughts in his mind to stop, he wants his hands to quit shaking and his mouth to stop rambling and annoying everyone.
He sucks in another breath, desperation taking over.
And he feels awful for what he does next. Adds it onto the list of reasons he really hates himself that he tries his best to ignore.
He slips out of the bathroom quietly and takes a note from the wallet in Liam's jacket where it hangs over the bannister of the stairs.
It's not like he'll even notice, and Niall needs it.
He really needs it because he doesn't know what to do with all of this energy and he just wants to scream.
Instead, he slips the money into the pocket of his hoodie. It feels like it weighs a ton, and he can't just forget about it the way he does with everything else.
Because shit, he just stole from his big brother and if anyone finds out they'll hate him. There's a million things that people will hate him for if they found out, and he feels like he's starting to buckle under the weight.
He avoids Liam's gaze when he reenters the kitchen, where the rest of his family is still laughing and talking. He knows that he'll crack if he looks him in the face and if he does that, they'll take the money off of him and he won't be able to get something stronger at the party tomorrow.
He shuffles over to Papa's chair instead, the man looking up at him with a frown when he keeps his head bowed, gaze downwards.
"You okay, Shorty?" He asks quietly whilst the conversation around the table continues.
He gives a hesitant nod and still can't force himself to look up. "Um. I'm gonna go to bed early. If - if that's okay?"
The man's honey coloured eyes grow concerned in an instant, one hand rising up to press against his forehead but Niall pulls back from the touch, as much as he wants to lean into it. He just feels awful, and he doesn't deserve the care he's being shown. "What's wrong? Has something happened?" He asks instead, looking ready to stand up.
He can feel more eyes on him now and he scratches absently at his right arm because his skin feels like it's crawling from all the unwanted attention. Which is unlike him, because he would usually be basking in it.
"Nothing, Papa," he mumbles with a shrug. He glances up at the man. "M'just tired. Really."
He forces a tight smile and the man doesn't look convinced but he gives a small nod nonetheless. "Alright bud. I'll be up to check on you in a while, okay?"
Niall doesn't answer before he hurries out of the room with the weight of the whole world in the front pocket of his hoodie. As he hurries up the stairs, he hears the conversation shift into one about him.
"He okay?" Liam asks quietly.
There's a pause and then a sigh. "Honestly? I don't know. He's been so still lately. I just assumed he was growing out that hyperactivity," Dad answers.
Harry speaks up then. "Dad. That hyperactivity is Ni. That isn't just gonna leave him."
"I think we should stop talking about him when he isn't here to defend himself. Leave it to me and Dad to worry. I'm sure it's just those allergies of his making him tired," Papa says, and Niall hates that he feels guilty for the fact that the man is defending him when he doesn't deserve it.
He doesn't get to James' house early this time. The house is already bursting with people by the time he arrives, and instead of searching for his friends, he decides to try and find Jase instead.
He pushes himself through crowds of people until he gets to the room where the music is loudest. People are dancing and some are even up on the tables. One girl is barely wearing any clothes and he wrinkles his nose up, turning away where his eyes immediately land on a few people kneeling next to a low coffee table.
There are lines of white powder atop of it, and Niall watches with furrowed brows as one guy leans over with one nostril presses closed, the other snorting the powder straight up. The others cheer and clap him on the back whilst he moves to sit on the couch and lets out a huff.
Jase is there, he realises, moving across the table to snort the other line. It leaves one of his nostrils powdered and white, and he quickly wipe his nose on the back of his hand.
Niall isn't stupid. He knows what they're doing, and he knows it's different to weed. Cocaine doesn't slow things down. But he just feels so low that he'll do anything to feel high again, and he knows nothing can make his mind work any faster than it already is.
So he approaches the older boy, hands buried into the front pocket of his jumper. Jase looks up at him with his pupils almost touching the outer lines of his irises, before he clambers up and clamps a hand down on his shoulder. "Ni! Come to experiment?" He asks loudly, shouting over the music.
Niall eyes the boy for a moment.
He's already stolen from his brother and lied to his parents a tonne. He decides there's no point in trying to convince himself that what he's about to do is a good thing.
He knows it isn't, and he doesn't know when it came to this - chasing after a constant high.
He nods his head. "Sure," he says with a shrug, as though his heart isn't racing in his chest.
Jase grins and jostles him with a heavy hand. "You are wild!" He yells, then leans in so close that Niall can feel his breath all hot against the shell of his ear. "First lines free. You'll have to pay after that," he says.
Niall nods. He has the money.
He just wants to lose the guilt.
So he allows Jase to tug him down to the table and show him how to 'do it right' before he rolls his eyes and just does it anyway. It burns the back of his nose and his throat, and he doesn't feel it at all unlike with the weed.
Until he suddenly does five minutes later.
And it is different; things are faster than ever before but in a way that is better, because it's all blurry and cloudy and he can't think at all which is better than thinking too much.
Time passes and he gets another line for free because nobody seems to care by then.
The rest of the night passes by.
When morning comes he can't recall a second of it.
AN:
please don't hate me ahahah
also apologies for any spelling mistakes, i can't be bothered to proofread currently...but lemme know what you think in the comments!