Chapter 50
My heart began to beat rapidly as Jerome pulled up to the place that I haven't been to for a while. I was starting to regret the idea of coming here, but I didn't want to back out. If I wanted to get better, I couldn't just run away or pretend certain things didn't happen.
Jerome turned off his car and looked at me. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?"
I hesitated before nodding, despite the pounding in my chest not even slowing down. "Y-yeah," I said, my stuttering also being being a sign that I might not be ready to do this. "I... probably just need a few minutes to prepare myself."
"Okay," Jerome said. "Take your time."
I leaned back in the seat to get comfortable since I knew I wasn't going to leave the car anytime soon, as much as part of me wanted. It wasn't that simple, though. I knew as soon as I entered the building, memories and thoughts I didn't want to think of would rush through me.
Jerome could tell this was a bit too stressful for me right now because he said, "You know, you don't have to do this today if you're not fully ready."
"I don't think I'll ever be fully ready," I said. "And if I keep holding it off until I am, I'll never come back here. This place used to be a happy place for me. The first time you brought me here, I had a lot of fun. I don't want to avoid coming here completely because of what I did."
And I was right. If I kept holding it off, I was never going to come back here. Just sitting in the car counted as holding it off, so I took off my seatbelt and carefully opened the door. Before I got out, I looked at Jerome. "Can... Can you come in with me?"
"Yeah, of course," Jerome said.
We both got out of the car but before we headed into the building, Jerome went to the trunk of his car. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm bringing in the paint," Jerome said. "Just in case you want to start painting or something. I know you turn to art when you need an outlet."
I smiled softly at Jerome. He was right; I did turn to art whenever I needed an outlet. This was different, though. I was going to be in a very sensitive state of mine, so I didn't know if I would even have the energy to do anything artistic. But it was nice for Jerome to think of, anyway.
Jerome took out the cloth bag with all the paint supplies before closing the trunk. The two of us then walked towards the building, despite the rapid heartbeat still present in my chest. I had to stop before we walked in so I could take a few deep breaths to try to calm myself down.
And then I stepped into the place where I tried to kill myself.
My heart still wouldn't slow its pace, but I had to face this. I was trying so hard to get batter, and I was doing so well. I kept thinking about this place so many times. How happy I was the first time Jerome took me here. I said nothing to him about my love for art, yet he paid enough attention to notice it. He brought me here because he knew I would love it.
And I turned it into a bad memory for myself.
I looked at my painting on the wall, the last thing I saw before the attempt. Right as I looked at it, not only did my heart starting beating even faster but my chest was starting to feel compressed as well.
I really didn't want to have a panic attack now of all times when I was trying to face this.
"I haven't been here since that night as well," Jerome said quietly.
I know Jerome wasn't trying to make me feel guilty or anything. He just wanted to let me know that I wasn't alone right now; I wasn't the only one struggling to be here.
But I did feel guilty. He was the one who found me. He saw me, fighting for my life after I tried taking it.
"I'm sorry," I said, my voice cracking because of the guilt, the anxiety, every single thing I was feeling.
"No, don't apologize," Jerome said. "You couldn't control how you were feeling. It's not your fault."
I wiped the tears away that were starting to form around my eyes. "Sorry. I just... sorry." I took a deep breath. "I'm doing better than I thought I'd do, at least. I feel like I'm on the edge of a panic attack, but I thought I would have had it by now."
"Do you want to leave?" Jerome asked.
I shook my head. "No. Not yet. I still need to face this." I took another deep breath and wiped the remainder of the tears away. "I need to paint something."
"Yeah, okay," Jerome said, setting the cloth bag on the ground.
I grabbed a few paint bottles before walking to one of the clear spaces on the wall. I didn't even have an idea of what I was going to paint. I just chose one of the colours and started.
"Nolan?" Jerome asked. "You do know I have paintbrushes in the bag, right? You don't have to paint with your hands."
"I know." I didn't move from my spot, though. I just continued painting. With my hands.
"Alright."
I didn't take long to paint. I just wanted to do something to occupy my mind, and to fill this place with even happier memories. When I finished, I stepped away to look at the painting. I took yet another deep breath, feeling some sort of relief and closure.
"Once again, I am amazed by your talent," Jerome said.
I looked at him and smiled. "Thanks. And thanks for being here for me."
"Anything for you," Jerome said, smiling back at me.
Because Jerome was so amazing, I couldn't help but cup his face in my hands and go on my tiptoes to press my lips on his. Jerome immediately wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
He didn't even realize that I also wanted to kiss him to get some paint on him. Call it revenge for him starting the paint fight the first time he bought me here.
When I pulled away from him, I said, "You have some paint on your face, by the way."
Jerome sighed, though he still had a smile on his face. "I should have expected you to do that. But that was kind of a mistake."
Before I could even stop him, he grabbed one of the paint bottles I did not grab from the bag and opened it, squirting it on me.
So... We got into another paint fight.
Probably not the best thing to constantly do, but it was fun. It gave me happy memories.
"Be careful not to touch anything," Jerome said as we got into the car to head home.
"Awe, so I can't touch you?" I asked.
"Whoa, Nolan," Jerome said. "I never thought you'd say something like that."
I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering what Jerome meant. When I figured it out, my cheeks began to redden. "N-no, I-I just meant... holding hands. That's it. Stop being dirty."
Jerome just gave me a cheeky smile before driving us back home.
We should have stayed there for a bit longer.
I didn't even notice that something was wrong until Jerome and I walked through the front door. As soon as we did, I heard yelling, something I never hear at my home. After my dad was abused by his dad, he vowed to never yell at his own kids. Yes, he did get frustrated with us at times like all parents did, but he never once yelled.
And the yelling I was hearing was definitely my dad.
"Maybe we should go to the dance studio or something..." Jerome said.
As much as I wanted to, it probably wasn't the best idea to do so when we were covered in paint.
"We... need to get changed..." I said.
"You sure you want to go up there?" Jerome asked. "It sounds intense."
I nodded before heading up the stairs with Jerome following me.
I wish we really did go to the studio.
Dad wasn't yelling at any of my siblings. He kept that promise.
He was yelling at his dad.
Grandpa Gary.
"I am not kidding," Dad said. "You need to leave! I told you I don't want you anywhere me or my children after what you did!"
"You're overreacting," Grandpa Gary said.
"You said my son tried to kill himself for attention," Dad said. "How is that overreacting?!"
I really didn't like hearing my dad yell, so I was hoping I could put an end to this. "Dad?" I asked softly.
Dad looked at me. "Nolan. I thought you were out."
"I just got back..." I said.
Dad looked back at Grandpa Gary. "Leave. Now. I don't care for whatever you have to say."
Grandpa Gary had always been a stubborn person, so I was a bit surprised to see him leave the house without another word.
Once he was gone, I asked, "W-why was he here?"
"He called me out of the blue," Dad said. "Said he had something important to tell me. I thought it actually was important because he hasn't called me since... You know. But we can never be in the same room without arguing. I'm sorry you had to hear that. I didn't want you to."
"I-It's okay," I said. Of course, I didn't want to see Grandpa Gary again, but I was more concerned for Dad. Dad just couldn't completely cut Grandpa Gary out of his life. He tried, but something always happened that pulled him back in.
I really hoped everything was okay.
"You sure?" Dad asked
I nodded. "Yeah. It's okay. I'm fine. Jerome actually took me to the place where I... attempted to kill myself. I kept thinking about going there to see if I can get some kind of closure, and I did. I feel a lot... lighter."
Dad smiled. "That's great to hear. Now go get changed before you get paint everywhere."
I looked down at my clothes. "Oh, right. Sorry."
Dad chuckled. "It's okay. It's not the first time you got paint on yourself and it probably won't be the last. Put your clothes in the wash as soon as you could."
"I will," I said. "Are you okay, by the way?"
"I am," Dad said. "Don't worry about it. If your grandpa really does have something important to tell me, he'll have to do it over the phone. I don't even know why I let him try to tell it to me in person. Seriously, though. Go get changed."
"Right," I said, so Jerome and I headed upstairs to the bedroom to get changed.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Jerome asked once the door was closed. "You look... worried."
I sighed. "I am. Not for myself, though. For my dad. My dad hates seeing his dad, but... I don't think this was the last time he'll see him."
"Why do you say that?" Jerome asked.
"Every time my dad tries cutting him out, something happens and it doesn't work," I said. "Grandpa Gary ends up being involved in his life again, which only causes even more stuff to happen, which causes my dad to try to cut him out. It's an endless cycle. And I don't think it's going to end anytime soon."
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THE END
this probably seems like a weird place to end the book sorrrrrrrry. BUT like i said, there is a sequel coming, this time being told in both nolan and jerome's POV so we can see their storylines from their own perspective.
i was hoping to get the summary and cast list of the sequel up before i go to bed, but it took me a lot longer to write this since i was always watching a new show lol. it's 4:21 am rn soooooooo i should be going to bed.
but thank you for reading the book! i hope you liked it and i hope you like the sequel as much! i'll update this book with a new part to inform you when the sequel is posted!
-laeti