So, before anyone says anything, I know this has Micheal written, not at all in character but this is kinda a vent chapter and I know I already talked a bit but I still just kinda need to put it all somewhere and when I write things based off my life, it'll almost always be Micheal in my place because I just... I don't know how to explain it but I Nevermind back to your regularly scheduled program.
(This has been written over the course over a while and with enough dramatization even though it's not a lot to make it extra angsty cause that's how we roll in my corner of the playground)
P.S this doesn't really have a (complete) ship
Italics=thoughts
TW: violence, (don't worry the person that does that is getting help) implied self harm
(This emotional mess of writing is completely unedited so-)
It was a universally accepted fact that Micheal Mell was, is, and always will be perfectly fine. However, there's much less truth to that fact than one might like to believe
MICHEAL POV
~ Night of the party ~
After Jeremy left I was just stranded to have a mental breakdown in the bathroom. An onlooker who doesn't know the whole story might think it's just because of Jeremy, when I'm reality it's so much more than that. It's the bullies, the pressure, my brother, school, the weight on my shoulders. And keeping it all inside, covering up with a smile. Because how can you go to vent and be sad about your problems when your friend's are so much worse.
Like it or not when you keep things inside for so long everything is going to come bursting it at some point somehow.
Keeping how much bullies knock down your self confidence and happiness every day. Calling you names, insulting you, excluding you. How much you hate yourself sometimes because of it and you just want to cry but you can't because you're supposed to be the happy smiley quirky ball of sunshine all the time so you just help your friend and keep it in.
Keeping in all the pressure from having to live up to your expectation of being 'the easy kid' because that's what you're thought of to be. Because your parents need at least one 'easy' kid because lord knows what would happen if you were like your brother. So you just nod and agree and slap on a smile to keep up your 'sunshine' persona.
Keeping in how much stress you get from school to get perfect grades. A single C on a quiz and you're done for. If you take pride in having all A's your whole life you can't do bad. If your parents are disappointed by a B on an English test then you have to work harder. But don't tell anyone because you're problems aren't worth their time. Put on the mask of jokes and smiles for longer.
And the weight on your shoulders from having to keep up the persona you have. Acting like it doesn't phase you in the slightest when insults are thrown at you. Keep smiling and laughing through everything. You can't possibly feel bad about your own issues when your best friend is ridiculed to the point he's harmed himself at one time and almost stopped eating from being told they're fat even though they're tiny. So you throw on a smile and don't even bring up your own problems.
And that becomes routine, you do it every single day and it slowly crumbles you away on the inside and it becomes more and more of a difficult task to keep up with this charade. You want to keep it in so others don't think that you care more about your issues than theirs. But at the same time you want someone to reach down and save you from this pit of sadness. But you still put on the mask of smiles. You get used to this, you get used to people walking all over you. People fight over who gets to be your partner for things, not because they like you, because you're the equivalent of an answer key to them.
And it hurts, it hurts more than anyone else knows. More than you let anyone know.
STOP, just suck it up, there's people depending on on you to be easy and happy, and you can't live up to that if you're too busy feeling bad for yourself.
So that's what I did. After my mental breakdown ended I went back to my house and saw something that's become typical.
My momma trying to reason with and kindly calm down my younger brother while he's in my room trying to slam the door shut with mom's shoulder shoved in between the door.
I try and help as much as possible per usual and find out he was throwing things, slamming doors, kicking people, and throwing a tantrum because he had an hour to clean up a few LEGO's.
"Sorry about that Mickey, I don't know why he's so difficult"
"It's fine, I just wish he was easier to deal with. I could kinda understand when he was younger, but he's twelve now, he should know not to throw things and hit people"
I also wish I could not have to run to my room and lock the door for my safety when he throws a really bad tantrum
"Okay, thank you so much for being my easy child. I know it's unfair that you do most things, but it's just so hard with him. I love you."
"You're welcome, and it's fine. Love you too."
I went to bed, trying to prepare myself for the next day of torture.
~ time skip to day of the play brought to you by repression is bad kids, take me as an example of what not to do~
I can't believe how I keep thinking things will get better. Maybe it's because we'll have a good day, but then things go right back downhill, only at a faster speed. But I keep on pushing through... somehow.
Maybe it's because I only show happiness. Nobody can pity you and it's much easier on others when you don't say anything. They don't have to worry about you which is one less problem for them. As close to letting other people know what I actually feel was when I cried because I got a D on a science test even though I put in all the work and effort and tried my hardest.
That ended with my moms feeling bad for me and that's what I was trying to avoid.
Back to smiling.
One particularly bad day, my family had left so I starting smoking and burning things.
Which is why it startled me when Mr. Here came along and started talking to me about pants. I don't remember much of that conversation but I do remember one sentence in particular that stuck out to me.
"I know this might be hard, but just suck it up and go"
On the outside I agreed and went to help, but that tore me apart inside because it had confirmed what I've been telling myself for so long.
Suck it up, nobody cares what the heck you feel, you don't matter. Your only purpose on the face if this earth is to help other people, key words being other people. You're not here to feel anything other than instructed, you're just a ploy for other people to rise up.
Regardless, I still went to the play.
(Skip to one or two moths post Squip or something like that, whatever you want)
I can't believe I was stupid enough to think things were getting better.
I was good for like a week, but now it's back to having almost breakdowns (although nobody noticed cause you hid it well) over multiplying decimals cause why the fuck are we doing this again I already learned this in fourth grade so how am I supposed to remember that.
Today was gonna be a good day though... right?
It was Saturday and during my free time my moms signed me up for a film camp. I was a writer and an actor and today was the premiere of our movie.
I woke up and got excited so, like I usually do when I'm excited for a big event, the minute I took a shower I actually did my hair (abd bu that I mean I crappily parted it while brushing my hair to wait fir my mom to do something cool to it) and put in literally the ok not remotely formal thing I have since they do a red carpet for us.
I was happy.
But, I went started to walk through the basement to the up when my brother spoke up.
"I'm not going to your premiere"
"Why not?"
Slowly that feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin started creeping up on me
"I'm staying to watch the dog with Missy"
"Sure"
Okay, I admit we had our differences but this was the biggest good thing to happen to me in a while. Even if I hated him, this was a huge thing for me. I frocking wore the same clothes a whole week in a row just to finish filming. And he didn't even want to come.
I told my mom that he said he won't come and she said that she told him it was okay.
Oh
Okay
After a bit I found out that now my brother was coming, but my other mom had to stay so now she couldn't come.
Fun
I guess
It was actually pretty okay, Christine came to see it and that was fun. I was honestly legitimately feeling good until we started driving home and my mom wanted to stop somewhere or other and my brother just kept repeatedly saying 'Micheal doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve anything, ect.'
And a night that still had a sliver of hope crumbled before my eyes.
Third person cause I can
It was senior year now, yesterday at study hall the teacher let them go outside for a little bit. During that time, Micheal, Brooke, Rich, and Christine had weaved leaves and sticks through Micheal's hair.
It was fun the day of, but the next morning Micheal got up and when leaves started falling out of his hair his mom got mad because her some was basically shedding tree leaves all over the bathroom floor.
(True story about the leaves)
(Well I guess it's all mostly true cause it's a vent chapter but still)
(Anyway)
Evidentially, the morning leaves led to get slightly reprimanded by mom (which was reasonable) but it still didn't mean he was okay after that.
When Micheal went down to his room to grab something he saw the push pins in a small Tupperware container on the shelf.
Pins
Sharp enough to scratch
Dull enough to where any traces will be gone in twenty minutes.
Pins
He picked up the pins
Too soft to pierce skin
Hard enough to hurt
Scratch
No blood drawn
He's too scared to do that
Pins
The pins were returned to the shelf
As it turns out though
He wasn't too scared to draw blood anymore.
Rip
In an almost cynical way the fact that to rip through his skin required so many scratches in the same spot over and over and over again.
The gates were open
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On some day or other Micheal brought his gourd/tiny pumpkin to school to be wed to Tidus the pumpkin who is the son of Brooke. (Jarold is bi and tidus is pan)
Micheal wasn't paying attention and Jeremy had picked up Jarold and started throwing him around before he dropped him and broke the stem of the gourd.
Which happened to catch Micheal's attention.
"Jeremy what the crap you broke my child"
"It's okay I can fix it"
And with that Jeremy started fishing around in his backpack for a glue stick
"It's fine just please give me back my pumpkin"
"No I can fix it"
"Please just give it back"
"No, Micheal I told you I'm gonna fix it"
"But I dont want you to could you just please give it back"
"No, I'm fixing it"
"COULD YOU JUST GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING PUMPKIN"
"Fine okay jeez"
Jeremy handed back the pumpkin before walking off, he probably just hates Micheal now.
After a futile attempt to piece Jarold back together Micheal went up to Jeremy, cause he really did feel bad for yelling.
"Hey Jeremy"
"What"
"So, I understand and appreciate that you were just trying to help but if next time you could maybe try and respect my boundaries a bit more-"
"Why should I?"
And just like that his heart started cracking even more than it already was
"Huh?"
"I mean, you don't respect my boundaries. You come to my house and touch everything and that doesn't respect my boundaries so why should I respect yours"
"I'm really sorry I didn't know I'm sorry I thought I was doing a good job of trying not to touch anything I'm sorry if you were uncomfortable you could have told me not to and I promise I would've stopped I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you"
He couldn't even register the response he was given and just walked away defeated before the bell rang and Jeremy tried to stop him in the hallway.
Micheal tried to ignore him because I'm all honesty he just wanted to go home and dig a ditch for him to cry himself to death and scar himself so deeply he never comes back out of that ditch.
The end fir now even though I have not at all finished plopping all my emotional baggage into writing but I decided that I might as well put out some content tonight
Life quote
I just realized that I have none because my friends still haven't remembered me after 954 messages
Have a nice day