July 23rd, 2013 - 7:10 p.m.
“Not dating?” Dalton scoffs. “Do I need to go over the definition of dating with you? Let’s see-”
“Officially!” Dana interrupts hastily, throwing his hands up. “I said, not officially.”
“Officially, a-bwuh-bwuh-bwuh,” Dalton mocks. “Seriously, I need a ‘No Girls Allowed’ sign in this room. Better yet, in every room. I’d get so much peace and quiet….”
“You’re mean. How am I supposed to room with Cole then? Or talk to you guys?”
“You don’t!” Dalton exclaims, grinning like it’s the best idea in the universe.
“But, I like you guys now! You’re my friends!” I whine, stretching out the last word.
“What are you, twelve?” Dalton retorts. “Or did you have sugar?”
“I had Disney!” I answer in a sing-song voice, twirling around like a fairy.
He brings his hand to his face. “Oh God save me.”
“Rude.” I skip away and down the hall, thinking Dalton is right and I’m being an absolute child. But my insides are buzzing and heating up too much for me to care. When I get back to my room, Cole still isn’t here yet and I close the door, then flop onto my bed. I hug a pillow, a grin splitting my face. All I can think about is Dana liking me, Dana enjoying my presence, Dalton considering me a good enough friend to poke fun at me, and this wonderful summer full of firsts and happiness. I push away the warnings of storms after sun and just lay there, smiling, giggling occasionally, rolling back and forth, and glowing in what feels better than anything I’ve ever felt before. Another first.
July 25th, 2013 - 10:00 a.m.
“We’re never going to actually date, right?” I ask Dana at breakfast. I phrase it like that, asking for confirmation, so I don’t get let down. More specifically, so he can’t laugh at me for assuming we ever had a chance.
With a mouth full of croissant, he makes a noise that sounds like “I don’t know.” I don’t laugh, just sit patiently, watching him until he can speak properly. “We have less than two weeks left. Long distance really isn’t my thing, and besides, you’re only fourteen.” Lowering his voice so the other boys can’t eavesdrop, he adds, “Just have fun with me for the time we have left. Does it really matter what happens afterward?”
“So no,” I conclude. “That makes sense.” I wish he wasn’t right, but he’s spot on and I stare down at my Frootloops, trying to absorb the bright colors. Dana doesn’t hear the disappointment in my voice as he starts joking with Gabe.
I swish my spoon in the cereal for a while, until Cole scolds me for letting it get soggy. Then I reluctantly finish it and join the boys in conversation. Their chatter and silliness quickly raises my spirits, but I start to inch my chair away from Dana’s whenever I see Cole give him a hard look.
At the end of breakfast, Dana glances at me strangely. He jokes, “When did you get so far away?” There is a full chair space between us.
July 26th, 2013 - 7:40 p.m.
“You know what’s my favorite thing you guys have done?” I blurt. “Disney Dudez. That Disney medley sounded much better than your other covers or original songs. Plus, those dance moves? They were so good, even I could probably do them.”
“Oh, ha ha,” Dana retorts. “We’ve been told that a million times.”
“Well, duh,” I answer. “IM5 really need to work on harmonization. I can hear fluctuation between y’all’s notes. Also, your lyrics are too cheesy.”
“I don’t like you, Kylie. You’re nearly as bad as the haters.”
“Aww, I like you too!” I gush. Dana rolls his eyes. We’re waiting in the lobby of the hotel we’ve been staying in the last few days, our luggages ready to go at our feet. The other boys are here too, watching us bicker. After a midday interview, they are tuckered out from recording a live video and answering questions for their fans.
“I swear you were born in 2001,” Cole complains. “There’s a five year age difference between us, not three.”
“Are you saying I’m twelve?” I accuse. “So rude, bro!” I pick up the pillow near me and shove it at him.
“Whatcha gonna do, sis?” he taunts, causing everyone else to either look exasperated or amused.
My eyes widen. I consider bursting into action like the Black Widow, but instead I find myself clutching Dana from behind. “Save me.”
“No, fight your own battles,” he scoffs. “Do you think I’m dumb enough to get in Cole’s way?”
“Yeah, last time Cole colored his whole face in with metallic Sharpie!” Dalton crows. “He refused to show his face in public for days!”
“Um.” I glance back at my brother, who now has an evil look on his face. For some reason, I get a flashback of being thrown in the pool. “Uh oh.”
Cole explodes out of his seat and lunges for me. Like a hunted rabbit, I jump up in a panic, sprinting as far away as possible. I skid to a halt when I hear someone yell, “No running in the lobby!”
In that split second, Cole tackles me to the carpet and tickles my stomach and sides. I thrash and kick. Is this what it feels like to be attacked by a pack of ravenous wolves? When Cole finally stops, I curl in a ball to catch my breath. From across the lobby, the other boys’ hysterical laughter rings in my ears. Cole reaches out a hand to help me up. “You look a little pale there.”
I shakily push myself into standing. “I don’t trust you, Benedict Arnold.”
He blinks. “Who?”
“Go back to fifth grade history.” I dust off my clothes and stalk back to the couches.
“Hey, wait! Are you saying I’m not smarter than a fifth grader?”
“Yes, dummy!” I want to say something else, too, explain why it was insensitive of him to attack me like that in public. But I bite my tongue because there’s still the attention of nearly the whole hotel on me. I don’t cry easily, but who knows if I’ll start bawling when I talk about my own insecurities.
July 26th, 2013 - 8:30 p.m.
At the airport, in the lounge the boys have access to because of their constant flying, we raid the free food counter, piling our plates with salad, crackers, and other hardly-filling foods. After we start to chow down, I see Cole standing by a wall, typing on his phone obliviously.
Sidling up to him I bump my shoulder against him. “Hey, Cole?”
“What?” He doesn’t look up.
“Tickling me earlier was really… insensitive.” I gulp. “‘Cause, you know, I trusted you. I thought you’d realize I have a massive phobia of public embarrassment.”
He turns off the screen and stuffs his phone in his pocket. “Sorry, Kylie.”
I’m about to leave it at that, but my heart twinges and I fidget a bit. “You don’t understand, Cole. I’m not outgoing like you. I can’t laugh at myself when I’m embarrassed like you do. I’m not… I’m not confident.”
“Ky,” he states solemnly, “If you think people have a negative impression of you, if you think we think you’re stupid or or ugly or something, we don’t. Truly. But honestly, Ky, I know it’s hard for you to think so, but the opinions of others really don’t matter. Do you think we let the comments of haters get to our heads? We can’t and we don’t, because what matters is what we ourselves think of us.”
Thoughts swim in my mind, some of them protesting, some of them agreeing. And still, some thoughts remind me that I will never be impassive about what others think. I have always been too shallow, too anxious to be confident. Tears begin to moisten my eyes, still a long way from leaking. “I’m too shy to be confident,” I say. “Words will always get to me.”
“Obviously you don’t know what it means to be confident,” Cole chuckles. When my expression falls, he hastily adds, “I swear I’m not mocking you. It’s like how you can be terrified and still have courage. It’s a mindset, an attitude, not a personality. You have to tell yourself words don’t hurt and pretend, act like it until they really don’t. You play soccer. You weren’t born with strength and muscles, you were born weak. But you told yourself you would get through practice and conditioning until you finally did. You tried to be strong until you were strong.”
I nod, blinking to dry my eyes. I hope he never saw them glisten in the light.
“Kylie, you know I care about you, right?” He asks. “I’m sorry I embarrassed you.” He looks around, spots his bandmates still lounging at a table, and sighs. “There’s a lot of dumb things I do to seem cool.”
“You’re a jerk.” It’s my turn to berate him. “At least I know not to give in to peer pressure. Don’t make dumb decisions for dumb reasons. That never gets you anywhere.”
“At least it got me the chance to give you worldly advice,” Cole grins.
My lips curl up slightly. For the first time in years, I reach up and hug my older brother. “I love you.”
He stiffens. I begin to doubt my action, but soon he hugs me back. “I, um, love you, too, Ky.”
Afterward, Cole and I join the table with the boys. Five minutes later, Dalton bolts out of his seat, calling to someone across the room. “Kate!”
A/N: Favorite part of this chapter? Let me know in the comments!
(Sorry I'm not saying the winner from last chapter. I'll do that next time. I'm really busy and have been for the past weeks. Thanks for bearing with the slow updates!)
-Delaine