Chapter thirty-two: Break it (Jacob's POV)
"I understand that you're hurt and you want to be understanding, okay? I get that. But what do you mean by 'Julia was right?'" I asked in confusion.
It was killing me to see what I was doing to her and how I was hurting her and I do love her, I just don't know if I love her like that. I love her how a friend loves a friend, I do have feelings for her, I like her, I just don't know if I've fallen in love with her yet.
She threw her clothes in her suitcase while sniffing. "Before we came here, when we were in the backyard and the doorbell rang, it was Julia. She asked me if I was falling in love with you and I said yes because I knew I was. I did," she sniffed, "And she told me not to confess first because you've never fallen in love with someone, you've never said those words to someone so she said you wouldn't say it back and I ignored her. I thought she was wrong, I thought you would say it back, but you didn't. Turns out she was right. Got it?" she snapped at me while her breathing got heavier and few tears slipped out.
"You listened to Julia instead of asking me?" I asked in disbelief.
"She turned out to be right, Jacob. And I didn't tell you that she was the one at the door because that's your personal thing. It's none of my business if you have or haven't fallen in love with someone before," she huffed while wiping her face. "What matters here, is that I fell in love with you, but didn't fall in love with me," she said quietly.
I stood there quietly while she folded her clothes and packed them in her suitcase. "Jacob," she sighed, "I don't know anything about relationships, right? But I do know that I don't wanna be in one if the person who I love doesn't love me," she breathed deeply.
"Madison, don't," I breathed.
"Why?" she stepped closer.
"Because you mean everything to me. Just give me some time, please?" I asked. I don't think I've ever felt so pathetic. I'm asking for time to have the courage and to grow a fucking pair.
"Time to what? Convince yourself that you do love me when you don't?" she questioned. "Jacob, you don't have to say it if you don't feel it right now. But if you don't feel it, we have to let each other go. We have to take a break," she sighed.
"I don't want to take a break. I like being with you," I explained.
"That's the difference. You like being with me but I love it," she ran her hand through her hair.
"What happens if we take a break?" I asked, not wanting to know the answer.
"We go back to how it was," she replied.
"How it was? When?" I questioned.
"When you moved in," she answered.
I shook my head immediately. "No, Madison. I kept it with me for so long that I liked you because you were too worried about how my sister would react. And when you kissed me that day, I had never felt anything like it with anyone. I was so happy when you kissed me and when you went on that date with me... Madison, I'm not letting you go," I reasoned.
"You have to," she looked at me, her eyes glimmering with tears.
"Make me," I dared.
"Jacob, if we don't love each other then where is this going?" she sighed.
"I will fall in love with you, I know I will, but right now it's different. Things don't have to change. I'll say it when I say it, it's just three little words," I huffed.
"Those three little words mean a lot." She was getting angry. "Do you have any idea how much it took for me to have the courage to say them to you? I was a nervous wreck since I realized I loved you because I knew I had to tell you and I knew I wanted to do it here in Miami because I don't think I could've done it back at home with your sister going down my throat and my brother there. So no, they're not just three little words," she huffed.
That is so not what I meant.
"I didn't mean it like that I just..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say.
"Jacob, did you plan this?" she sighed while sitting at the edge of her bed.
"What?" I asked in disbelief.
Why would she ask me that?
"Madison, why the hell would you even think that?" I asked.
"Because I saw you breaking hearts before New York," she replied while wiping her face with the back of her hand.
"I would never break yours," I replied.
"But you already did. Break it," she said. "I'm not saying you're doing any of this on purpose, please don't think that. But you know how to steal a heart and then break it. I've seen you do it," she sniffed while sliding her flip flops on.
"Where are you going?" I grabbed her arm while she tried to walk to the door.
"To catch a breath," she replied softly. Her eyes were red, her nose was red, and she looked extremely drained.
I did that to her?
"You can catch a breath here," I pulled her back.
"No, I wanna go," she tried again but I wasn't letting her.
"I'm not letting you, so good luck with that," I walked closer, towering over her.
"Please?" she requested.
"Nope," I shook my head. "Because if you walk out of here, you'll say we're done. I'm not letting that happen," I shook my head.
"Please let me go," she whined.
"Madison, I'm not gonna let you end this because of me. I know you want to be understanding so please, just give me a few days to figure it out," I huffed.
"It's not because of you. You can't change how you feel and I don't want you to. Jacob, we have to take a break. If you feel different later, we'll see what happens," she managed to pull her arm out of my grasp. "If you feel different," she emphasized.
"Please, Madison," I begged. She began heading to the door but I pulled her back and into a hug. "Please," I backed her up against the wall.
She sighed in defeat before pulling away. "Okay, listen to me," she began. "We'll talk about this at home, okay? Let's just- just go to sleep, okay? I'm tired," she pulled away and got into bed, turning the lights off instantly and laying with her back towards where I would lay.
I grabbed my sweatpants and went into the bathroom. I changed and rested my head against the door. "Damnit," I hissed to myself. I hurt her so bad just because I couldn't make up my mind. If I didn't love her and I told her that, it would still hurt a lot less than not knowing at all.
I have to figure this out.
I hurt her badly and she didn't even show half of it. Once we get home she's gonna make me realize how bad I fucked up. She means so much to me so why didn't I know how I felt towards her. I stepped out to see her gone and almost immediately panic set in. I let out a breath of relief when she walked in from the balcony.
"I can get air without leaving," she smiled at me softly before getting back in bed.
I got in back beside her with her back facing me. "I'm really sorry, Mads," I whispered.
"It's fine," she said shortly. She fell asleep pretty quickly, probably feeling tired and exhausted from the arguing, leaving me there to my guilty thoughts.
Do I love her?
And that thought played on a loop in my mind, till I forced myself asleep.
~~~~~
I woke up the next morning when Mads shook me up. I sat up slowly while she stood in front of me. "We have to leave, our flight's in an hour," she said before getting back to doing her last-minute packing.
I looked at her to see her changed and she was brushing her hair, putting it up in a bun. She took my clothes out for me and left them on top of my suitcase. I watched her as I stood up and grabbed my stuff, heading to the bathroom where I showered, brushed my teeth and then packed all my toiletries before packing up my suitcase. I grabbed my suitcase, standing it up before taking hers.
"I can take that," she said while reaching out for it.
"I know you can, but you shouldn't have to," I said while dragging our suitcases out of the room quietly while she grabbed anything else we left behind, cleaning up a little. We went downstairs where I checked us out and sat on the sofas, waiting for Nick and Riley who came shortly after.
Riley came speed walking over to Mads while Nick checked them out. "So, how'd it go?" she grabbed Madison's arm excitedly.
"I'll tell you later," Mads just smiled at her before glancing at me. After that, we ordered our Ubers and headed straight to the airport. We got our stuff and headed inside, getting through check-in and security before waiting for boarding.
I have never hated myself more than I do right now when I see the look in her eyes.
I broke her heart.
That was something I never wanted to do to her.
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Chapter thirty-two
Don't hate me :)
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