I had blues while I was walking on the road beneath the silent night, going home from Kirby's burial. Darkness and silence welcomed me when I arrived at the house. I should be afraid of ghosts now. Ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, wala nang lugar sa akin ang takot, dahil punong puno ako ng kalungkutan. I went straight to my room. Patagilid akong humiga sa kama at niyakap ang unan ko. I closed my eyes and began to sob.
"I promise that you're the one I will marry . . ."
Liar . . .
You're a liar, Dylan!
The conversation I had with Dylan was still fresh in my mind.
"I'm already married . . ."
Anxiety attacked me, because it wasn't just about my love for Dylan but also about my daughter's dream to meet his father. How could I make my daughter's dream come true now that he was already married to someone else? I didn't want to push ourselves to him and I didn't want to ruin his relationship with his wife.
My cries became louder. I couldn't take control of my tears. I could feel the extreme pain in my chest.
Ang pag-iyak ko ay naging hagulgol nang tumagal. I cried my heart out and almost wetted my pillow with my tears. I thought I was already done with suffering from pain because I already recovered from Leukemia. But here I was, crying again in pain. I didn't know what was more difficult to deal with. But this time I doubted if I could recover from this.
It hurts! It really hurts!
"I hate you so much, Dylan! I hate you!" I shouted between my whimpers.
It felt like anytime I would lose my mind; anytime I would lose my breath in so much crying. I fell to pieces. My broken voice was filling the room.
***
A gloomy morning welcomed me as I opened my swollen eyes. The moment that I remembered what happened last night, I reduced to tears. Until I just found myself crying again in my room. I felt so sad.
I heard my phone ringing beside me, so I wiped my tears while still sobbing. It was Mommy, so I answered the call.
"Hello, sweetheart? How are you there?" she said.
"D-don't come here with Shekinah," I told her while hiccupping and tears were streaming down my face.
"Why? What happened? Why are you crying?" there was worry in her voice.
"I talked to my daughter's father. H-he's already married to someone else."
"What? Hindi ba't ang sabi ko sa 'yo kaya nating palakihin si Shekinah nang wala ang tulong ng mga Hunt?" She was mad.
"Shekinah wants to see him."
"Kahit na! Tell her that she no longer have a father!"
Natahimik ako at pinag-aralan ang sinabi ni Mommy. Naiimagine ko pa lang na sasabihin ko 'yon kay Shekinah, parang nahahati na ang puso ko.
"Demi, this is for Shekinah. Do you want her to be a bastard?"
"N-no."
"Then do what I'm saying! Hindi na kami uuwi riyan. Pakisabi na lang sa Auntie Helena mo na may inaasikaso pa kami ng daddy mo."
She ended the call.
Naibaon ko na lang ang mukha ko sa unan at muling napahagulgol.
***
Walang araw na hindi ako umiyak, kaya araw-araw din na maga ang mga mata ko. Hanggang sa dumating ang last night ng libing ni Kirby.
Papasok pa lamang ako sa gate ng bahay ng mga Perez, dinig ko na ang boses ng isang pastor na nangangaral.
"Huwag tayong matakot sa kamatayan, dahil may langit na naghihintay sa atin, mga kapatid! Ngunit, siguraduhin mo na diretso ka nga ng langit!"
The listeners laughed at the pastor's humor.
Sa tapat ng kabaong ni Kirby nangangaral ang pastor at naroon din ang mga kamag-anak namin. From here I saw Storm with his wife beside him seriously listening to the pastor. I felt my heart clench in that view. I just sat on a vacant chair a little bit far away from them. I tried to focus myself on the preacher, but sometimes I couldn't help but take a glance at them. And everytime I did that, my heart broke into pieces.
When the preaching ended, everybody ate, but I didn't. I couldn't stay in a one place that all I could see was my ex-lover with his gorgeous wife. Therefore, I went home early. I just locked myself in my room and cried there.
The next day, when afternoon came, I readied myself for attending Kirby's funeral. I just wore a black below-the-knee dress and shades.
Kirby's close relatives and friends mourned and cried; and I was just silently crying. They gave us one last chance to look at Kirby.
"Bye, Kirby. I'll miss you so much," I told him while staring at him. Rivers of tears were welling on my cheeks.
Muli akong bumalik sa lugar ko at pinanood ang mga kamag-anakan namin na sunod-sunod na tumingin kay Kirby.
Dylan's wife who was named Fara caught my attention because she was crying to Dylan and Dylan was hugging her. I just sadly looked at them. Sa pagkakaalam ko, si Fara ang binabanggit sa akin ni Kirby noon na bestfriend niya sa Las Vegas. Dylan forced her to take a look at Kirby for the last time. Fara really cried more when he saw Kirby and she wanted to hug him, but they stopped her. Until some men started to close the casket and then carried it. They brought it to the dug hole.
The people left the place afterwards, but Tita Helena, Dylan, Fara and I stayed at the place. It was already sunset and we needed to go home before the darkness bit.
"Let's go," Storm told Fara.
"N-no. I'll stay here," Fara said while still sobbing.
"Fara . . ."
"Please, just let me stay here for a while," she persisted.
Dylan just heaved a sigh and left us. He went to the car. We just stared at Kirby's tomb, until the sun was now losing its shine.
A while later Dylan came back and told us, "We have to go now."
"Susunod ako," Fara replied.
"Okay we'll wait for you in the car." Dylan and Auntie Helena left.
I saw Fara looked at me when she noticed that I was left behind with her.
"Fara," I called her. She just stared at me. I could still feel the cold feeling of the tears in my eyes. "I know you know about us. Don't worry, I won't stay here," I told her and gave her a slight smile, though behind of that smile were sadness and bitterness. "I-I just want to say that . . . t-take care of Dylan. Love him as much as I do." Sobs escaped from my mouth. I couldn't help but cry in front of her. All of a sudden I felt like I wanted to hug her, so I requested, "Fara, may I hug you?"
It was a crazy request, but I thought that was one of the best ways to accept the fact that Dylan already belonged to this woman. As Dylan's friend, I wanted to be nice to his wife.
I saw confusion in her brown eyes. She looked at me with disbelief, but after a while she replied in a low volume of voice, "Y-yeah."
Napangiti ako at lumapit sa kanya. I hugged her. "Thank you, Fara!" I said and then whimpered on her shoulder. She just hugged me back.
This girl was so lucky. She had the man I loved with all my heart.
***
Kaagad din akong bumalik ng America matapos kong bumisita sa mga kamag-anak namin. They were asking me about Shekinah and her father, but I just told them that I didn't want to talk about it. Thank God, they didn't ask me anymore.
"Mommy!" salubong sa akin ni Shekinah.
Sinalubong ko siya ng yakap at mumunting mga halik sa mukha. She giggled.
Dumating si Dad at tinanong ako, "Kumusta ang libing?"
"It was alright, Dy."
Ilang sandali lang ay dumating si Mama at sinalubong ako. "Mag-uusap tayo," aniya sa akin. "Shekinah, diyan ka muna kay Lolo, ha?" aniya sa bata.
Dumiretso kami sa kwarto. Nilock niya ang pintuan at saka kami umupo sa kama ko.
"Anong balak mo?" tanong niya sa akin nang bahagyang nakakunot ang mga kilay niya.
I looked away. "I don't know, My. I can't lie to my daughter."
"But you have to. Ano, gusto mo bang ipaalam sa ama niya ang tungkol sa kanya?"
Natahimik ako at naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko. Nanumbalik muli ang sakit noong malaman kong kasal na si Dylan.
I looked at Mommy with pleading, until I started to sob. "I love him!" I said. "I gave myself to him! I thought he loved me. B-but he married somebody else!" Hindi ko na napigilan na ilabas sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. "It hurts! I love him so much!"
Pity crossed her face like she also wanted to cry. I knew, she knew my pain. As a mother, she didn't want me to be hurt like this.
She drew closer to me and hug me. "Just forget about him, sweetheart," she softly said.
I wish I could.
I wish this love would end.
Is it really possible to unlove someone who have already become part of your life?
"Love is a choice . . ." It seemed like I heard Dylan's voice in my mind. Now, I was wondering if Dylan chose to unlove me. That made me sad, but I had to accept that truth. You can't really trust the love of anybody else, no matter how devoted they are to you right now. There are people who aren't the same as yesterday.
After I cried to Mommy, she left me to my room to get me a glass of water.
I saw Shekinah entered my room. "Mommy are you okay?" she asked me when she noticed that I was crying. "Why are you crying?"
"I just miss your Tito Kirby," I reasoned. Mabilis na pinunasan ko ang luha ko at inakay siya paakyat sa kama. "Inaantok ka na ba?"
She nodded her head.
"Okay, sleep now." Inalalayan ko siyang humiga sa kama at pagkatapos ay tumabi ako sa kanya. Ilang sandali lang ay nakatulog na nga ito.
Mommy walked into my room holding a glass of water. "Magpahinga ka na," aniya sa akin nang maiabot niya iyon sa akin, at saka umalis.
Nilapag ko ang baso sa bedside table at napukaw ng pansin ko ang Bible ko na nakapatong din doon. Kinuha ko iyon at saglit na tinitigan. I need this, I thought.
I opened it and prayed for a while; and then I continued my bible-reading in the book of Isaiah. As I read it, I stopped when I came to a verse that is saying:
"The mountains and hills may crumble, but my love for you will never end; I will keep for ever my promise of peace." So says the Lord who loves you.
(Isaiah 54:10)
I looked at it with so much tender, savoring every word of it. Until I just found myself crying silently. I ran my fingers on that verse, reading it over and over as if I was marking it in my heart and mind.
"I don't deserve it," I whispered. "Thank you for loving me."
This love is the love that is already tested. God has already proven me His love by saving me from my darkest moment.
I realized . . .
You can't really trust anybody's love, because the love of men isn't forever. It can change without even realizing it. The love of men is not constant. The only love that you can really trust until the end is the love of God. It is forever. It never changes. It never gets tired. It is full of integrity and truth.
This time I wanted to hold on to this promise that will never end.