I have always liked being alone when I'm in a mood. Sometimes, being around people was exhausting and when I was in a mood, it was extra exhausting. Danny, as my best friend, knew this. So, I wondered why he was here, going on and on about his project, the project that I was trying to work on but he kept on interrupting.
"Daniel," I groan, finally dropping my pen in the middle of my book and turning to him. "What do you really want?"
"Nothing," He said, grinning.
"You're a shit liar."
"What are your two memories?" He asked, trying to peek but I shoved him away. Our tutor, Mr Miller, had come up with a project that everybody in our year had to do.
We had to come up with two memories that we would like to re-experience. They didn't have to be happy memories, they just had to mean something to us, it could be bad or good. We could bring a copy of picture of it or we could write about it.
My first memory, I'm guessing it was pretty obvious... it was the last picture I have of me and my parents. It was at Aunt Jeanine's birthday. Mum was smiling at the camera, wrapping her arms around me, keeping me from running off after Lottie. Dad was behind my mum, smiling happily, always ready for pictures. For once, looking at the picture didn't feel like it hurt so much that I didn't want to look. It was a nice feeling, a feeling that I had to thank Becca for.
I was trying to focus on the good memories. I couldn't bring them back, the best thing I could do was... focus on the good things when I got sad about it.
As for my second memory...
I was finding it hard to come up with a second memory, so I was making a list of things I would like to relive. Thankfully, we still had about a week to give it in, so I wasn't not too worried. Although I should be because as much as I wanted to focus on the assignment... for the past week all I've done is think and overthink about whatever it was that the girls were talking about when they wanted me to 'figure it out.' I wastrying to figure it out. I really was but some things made no sense. Some things were weird and complicated and— feelingswere clouding my mind because of Maddison.
I understood that in order to figure things out, I first had to figure out what these feelings for Maddison meant and it was easy to say but it wasn't so easy when you didn't understand shit about what you were feeling. I never in a million years would have even thought that Maddison and I would ever be a 'Maddison and I.' And it wasn't because we stopped talking but rather because when we were kids, Danny, Maddie and I... we were like siblings. And all this figuring out business, it just made me think about all the things I lived with Maddison. All those years we spent together, as friends.
And it was confusing. Very confusing.
"What are your memories?" I frowned at him. Danny sighed, throwing his hair back dramatically. His Adam's apple visible, facial hair growing even though he shaved like two days ago.
"Tell me yours and I tell you mine," He winked, making me snort. "Anyway, I've got two dates for prom."
"Look at you, a lady's man." I sighed, biting my lip to keep myself from laughing as I turn back to my book.
"Do you think if I introduce them both as my girlfriends my mum will freak out?" I turned to face him but he was still staring at the ceiling.
"They'll think you're a manwhore." I snorted. Danny's mum was very... vocal about what she thought when it came to polyamorous relationships.
Danny laughed, holding his belly as he sat up.
"What's it like?" I asked him. "The whole three people thing."
Danny grinned. "At first it was weird. And to be honest, I don't even know how we got to this point. I just know that I was attracted to them both and they both made it clear they were into me too."
"Apparently a lot of people are into you."
"Are you surprised?" His smirk grew as he caressed his chin as if saying look at this face, how can you be surprised?
"Don't be an ass." I rolled my eyes, punching his arm.
"No, but— at first, it was just flirting. They sat next to me at economics and they both would openly flirt with me so I knew it wasn't, like, a secret or anything. Then, somebody made a group chat for three of us and during the day it was chill but at night it got—" He couldn't help himself, he laughed shamelessly, his eyes getting smaller. His face, for once, despite what he was talking about, looked— innocent. "After that, we all were going to a party and— we kissed. Three-way kisses are not as hot as people make them out to be, they're actually very awkward because tongues everywhere."
I drew circles in my book. "Well, do you like it, then? Them, I mean."
Danny took a moment to answer and I know he was probably thinking about how we never used to talk about these things. These things, he used to talk them over with Maddison, not me. I wonder if he ever wanted to. I wonder if it was my fault that we never got to talk about 'deep' things or normal horny teenager things.
"I—" Danny bit his lower lip as if trying to stop himself. He was all smiles and it was cute. "I have fun with them and I like their personalities. They're fun. It's like— Maggie's crazy and she does crazy shit and then Lottie sort of grounds her and takes care of her. And then, they snap and the roles switch and it's Maggie taking care of Lottie and— they care about me too but they're so in sync that sometimes I feel like they're one and they allow me to be part of it. We're together, the three of us and it's like— it's easy and not complicated and it's fun. I think I've laughed more in the last few months than I have in my entire life."
"If you're happy, Danny, I'm happy." I sighed, turning back to my memories. Sighing, I give in. "My first memory is a happy memory... Aunt Jeanine's birthday, we were all together. I don't know what my second memory is. Can't decide."
I showed him the paper, and he went through the bullet points painfully slowly and then he went through them again.
"Mine are when I started taking T... and the second one," He smiled, looking down at the paper and then back at me with nostalgia written all over that look. "When Maddie, you and I were still friends. Shit was easier back then, but then we were kids, so..."
I stared into nothing. Thinking about all the things we did when we were kids. All the stupid things we did and how happy we were, oblivious to all the shit that was coming our way.
"Remember when we went to the petting farm with Elena?" Danny's grin was contagious and the memory quickly floods my mind. "When Maddie got loose and went inside the sheep cage?"
"Elena was so mad," I snorted, an image of Maddie hugging sheep came into my mind.
And as if that memory was a fallen domino, crushing into thousand other dominos, memories of us rushed before my eyes. Danny, Maddie and I. Together. Always. At the pool, at the farm, primary school, at the cinema, at the park, at Maddie's house, at Danny's house, birthday parties, summer holidays, bank holidays, Christmas holidays— we were inseparable. We were best friends, siblings. And I know things change, it's very rare when someone stays friends with people they've known since they were children but— we were family.
I look back at Danny and I could tell that we were probably thinking about the same things.
"You and I— we've always looked out for her." He said, "And in her own messed up way, Maddison has always looked out for us, too. I know she's a huge asshole when she wants to be but you know her—"
"I don't know her, Danny," I sigh, shaking my head at him. "I knew her when she was 12. She's completely different—"
"Deep down, she's the same Maddie as she was a few years ago," He smiled sadly at me. "She hides behind all that bullshit she does— do you think I don't get mad at her? Do you think I'm just cool with everything she does? When she acts out, I know that's when she's hurting the most and when she makes me so angry, so fucking furious that it makes me wonder why I even bother anymore... I think about all those things we lived, I think about all the things I know... and I realise that Maddison's just as fragile as she was when she was 12 and cried because a butterfly died in her hands. That's why I'm still here, that's why I look past all the bullshit..."
"What if I can't do the same?" I whispered, my throat tight.
"Then it's a good thing that nobody's asking you to," He shrugged, grabbing hold of my hand. Danny's hands were big and his veins were showing all over his arm. It's funny because Maggie said something about finding those veiny arms attractive, which to me was weird and kinda gross because too many veins. "I stay with Maddison because... that's me. You can do what you want and if you want her away from you? I'll understand because she did fuck up."
"What if I told you I'm in love with Maddison?" I asked, I don't really know why I asked him that but a part of me knows that Danny wouldn't lie to me and Danny know me better than anyone, he'd tell me what he saw and I know it'll be the truth.
He gulped down hard, bit the side of his cheek and looked away from me.
"I'll try to not act like it's awkward," He grinned, rubbing his thumb on my wrist. "But if you want me to tell you what I think, then I'll tell you that I don't think you're in love with her. At first, before you found out she was still messing with Sam, maybe you fancied her, maybe you were a little infatuated with her but now? I don't think you're in love with her but that's just what I think, you're the one feeling it, so..."
"I don't know what I feel." I drop my head on his shoulder, wondering why this shit was so hard. "Do I love her like a friend, am I in love with her, do I just want to have sex with her— who the hell knows."
Danny chuckled, a little too loud because people in the library shush him.
"Well, good thing is... we have like two weeks left of high school, so... whatever you decide, you won't have to see anyone again if you don't want to. Except for me, of course, because even though I'm going to Manchester, I'll still go visit you in London."
"How do you know I'm going to—"
"You've always wanted to go King's College and you're a little nerd, so I'm sure you got in."
"They haven't said anything yet," I told him. Aunt Cecil was on edge, running to the front door whenever the main man came. "They'll probably tell me later on."
"Probably," He said, sighing and standing up. "By the way, all those things," He pointed at my paper, at my memories. "Most of them have something in common. Something that since it got to your life— whether those around you liked it or not, it's made you happier. From what Maggie and Lottie tell me, that's what you were meant to figure out, not about Maddison."
I frowned at him, watching him walk away from me and I turn back to my paper. What the fuck did that mean?
"What you mean?" I asked him, loud enough that he heard me, walking backwards, he turned to face me.
"You're doing the same thing you did when you liked Sam. You don't want to see it but you know there's something there, Asha." He said, resting against a bookshelf. "If you don't want to act up on it, that's cool but at least acknowledge it because we allsee it. It's obvious to everybody but you keep looking away and I think that once you accept it, the whole thing with Maddison will make sense."
Danny walked away then, leaving me behind, so so confused that my head might explode.
Shaking my head, I turn back to my paper.
1. When I started getting along with the girls
2. When I cut danny's hair for the first time – he was really fucking happy
3. When I started learning how to dance. Im still shit at it
4. When I started playing the piano again. Aunt Cecil's happy about that too
5. When danny was told he could have his top surgery
6. When I danced in the rain with the girls and Becca got a cold – she was a baby about it
7. Camping with the girls
8. First party with the girls
9. Learning how to do my makeup
10. When I stepped on becca's toes bc dancing- we laughed until our stomachs hurt bc I of how bad I was at it.
11. When I went swimming in the middle of the night at camping
12.
13.
I stared at my book. I stared until my vision went blurry and all I could think about was those memories. It felt like the images got put together into some sort of trailer for a movie and I see it slowly and in HD. I see it. I see the one thing I've been trying not to see. The one thing I didn't want to see.
In my little trailer? All my memories. All the 'happy,' 'joyful' memories where I imagine myself smiling, where I knowI was happy... they all revolved around Becca. And yes, the girls were there, Danny was there too but— it was all Becca.
I swallowed hard and grab my pen and I write. I write all the things I've known but I didn't want to know. I write what I wish I could say out loud but I was too afraid to say it. I don't want to say it.
But it was true... my most cherished, happy memories in the past year...? They all involved Becca.