A pillar of gleaming crimson flame came from above, so close, surely her face had melted. Sweat pooled between her breasts, soaking the fabric of her bodice, suctioning it to her skin. "A little faster," Ashley prompted.
"Faster! Slower! Make up your mind, lady." He called her 'lady' even though she must've looked like a half-frozen, drowned, zombified goat herder. Fortunately, the one thing she didn't look like was a princess. Who knows what he would do knowing he had a princess aboard? "And silence yourself. I'm trying to concentrate."
"No need to take your frustration out on me. Incoming!" Ashley yelped as the dragonfire blazed down, enveloping a wing of her dragon transport.
"What's your problem?" the dragon drawled.
"Your friend up there blasted you."
"Wife. Not a friend. And it's magical fire."
"Felt pretty real to me."
"That's because you're not a dragon. Dragon magic doesn't work on dragons. Can you imagine? Let me tell you, there'd be no little dragons if a little marital fireplay caused irreparable harm."
"You call that play?"
"Believe me, if she wanted to kill me, I wouldn't be alive and subjecting myself to this conversation. Are all human females this annoying?"
"I get why your wife wants to kill you," Ashley retorted, rather proud of the comeback.
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Okay, this is your friendly author stepping in to give you some "do not try this at home" advice. It's been a while since I've inserted myself into the story, but as I don't want you to make the same mistake as Ashley, I had to.
What?
I care about each of you deeply!
Okay, here it is: Never, ever, ever diss a dragon while you are on its back. You would think for most of us; this would be common sense. But in case anyone reading this book thinks, "Hey, I should try that next time I'm on dragonback, diving into an ice tunnel post-avalanche while being chased by a lunatic female dragon, the answer is no.
You may apply this helpful tip to more mundane situations - not just human-to-dragon interactions.
For example ...
When riding on the back of a motorbike whizzing down a winding, cliffside road at 90 mph, this isn't the time to break up with your boyfriend, who is driving. It's just not.
When boarding an Airbus A300, don't walk onto the plane and inform the pilot he looks like a drunken toddler. DO NOT! (Unless he really does, in which case, get off the plane and report him.)
When on water skies in shark-infested waters zipping along behind a motorboat, don't make rude gestures to the person driving said boat.
See! Did you have any idea how many practical applications you'd discover whilst reading this fairy tale? I'm pretty sure I made your lives better!
Now back to your regularly-scheduled fairy tale!***
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After Ashley's possibly rude and stupid comeback, the dragon responded by roaring, spewing fire, and diving for the bottom of the cavern at a near-vertical angle. Agggggghhhhhhh," Ashley cried, clutching folds of lizardy skin. Okay, maybe pissing him off while she was on his back was stupid. She should've waited until she was on solid ground and out of fire-disgorging distance.*
The bottom of the pit neared at dizzying speed. Perched atop a pile of rocks, gleamed a golden egg-shaped lump. Perhaps this was part of his hoard. At the last second, he slowed, swooped in, and gripped the golden treasure in his pointy dragon-talons.
Plummeting, the second dragon showered them with more fire. The smell of burnt hair assaulted Ashley's nostrils.
After a split second of regaining her breath and patting out the fire in her golden curls, the dragon tossed the lump into the air. "Catch it or die," he roared.
To catch the watermelon-sized lump required Ashley to let go of the dragon's skin with both hands. Still, as dying was assured if she disobeyed, and only possible if she obeyed, she obeyed and caught the golden lump, cradling it in the crook of her arm like a baguette. Oddly, it was warm and pulsating.
"Got it?" the dragon said.
"Yes," Ashley said. "By the way, your wife flamed my hair."
"Tell someone who cares. Do not drop Junior."
"Junior?"
"Our egg. The one you're holding. Humans aren't the smartest in the gene pool, are they?"
"What's a gene pool? Is it like a Jacuzzi? I have one of those."
"I close my case." They rose once again, at less of a bone-jarring speed this time, passed the female dragon, and continued to the top, soaring over a pure white snowscape. The avalanche had covered its destruction. Where were her friends? Once again, Ashley prayed for their safety.
Finally, the flight ended, not in an explosion of snow but as gently as a feather coming to rest on a bed of white satin.
Moments later, the female, a massive wyvern whose shadow covered half the sky, swooped in a circle and alit so close, Ashley could see down her gullet to the furnace within. Ashley gulped.
"Whatever you do, human. Do not offend her or question her in any way. She has a terrible temper."
"And why do you care now?"
"Because I need you alive for a few more minutes. "Darling wife," the dragon said. "Didn't see you there."
"Don't 'darling' me," she bellowed, spewing orangey fire. "I'm gone for less than one lunar revolution to visit mother and get my talons polished, and you abandon our only offspring? You're a monster."
"Not at all, dearest," the dragon said. "This human fell into our lair and tried to steal our precious golden egg. I was on my way to find you and let you be the one to punish her. I know how you enjoy your punishments, and you're so good at it!"
"Stop trying to flatter me," said the wife. "Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Was worth a try. Can you punish the kidnapper already? The guys are meeting over at the club cave for a fire-spitting contest, and I've been practicing. Torch the thief now so I can get going."
"What?" Ashley said. "I was not stealing this egg."
"Liar!" the dragon spat. "Why are you holding it then?"
"You gave it to me," Ashley snapped, clenching her fists. He'd set her up. And even worse, she fell for it.
"The human speaks?" the wife said.
"Yes. You get used to it. It's a mild irritant like a mite infestation or thorn in your claw. Go ahead. Blast her to a crisp. Make human BBQ. Show her your wrath and fury."
Ashley clutched the golden egg to her chest. "I did not steal your kid. I rescued your egg when you threw it in the air."
"YOU WHAT?" the wife thundered.
"She's a lying liar who lies."
"Why do I believe her then?"
"Ashley!" came an effervescent cry from over a knoll. Kai rounded the top of the hill, followed by the other questors. "It's her! It's her!"
Ashley's heart swelled. Warmth radiated through her body. A laugh bubbled up, lodging itself in her throat. Her friends had survived.
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"Ashley!" Gerald cried, scuffling down the hill.
"Gerald!" Ashley managed to locate her vocal cords. She slid off the dragon, took a moment to carefully place the golden egg on the snow, and then ran to meet her knight.
Time slowed.
They drew nearer as if in slow-mo, his sword (thank goodness he hadn't lost it in the avalanche) bobbing at his side, and that errant curl, bouncing against his forehead with each stride.
Their chests clapped together, the jolt breaking the spell. Arms weaving, caressing, warmth bleeding from one body to the other, lips crushing, her worst fears melting away in a kiss so profound, a choir of pure white snow bunnies, foxes, goats, sheep, sang of true love, voices blending in divine harmony. Lacy snowflakes settled on Ashley's burnt hair like a bridal veil.
Angels wept.**
"You're alive," Gerald said, stating a rather undeniable fact. If she were dead, she'd be taking cloud dancing/harp lessons or learning to swim in a molten lake of acidic magma, not here, on a mountain, in his arms, melting into his kisses.
But Ashley said none of this because she had more important things to do at that moment. Like nuzzling his neck and inhaling his leather-and-hay man scent. "You did insist I stay alive," she said at last.
"Glad to know you're capable of listening to me," he said, planting kisses on her forehead, her cheeks, her nose, each one a blessing.
"Only when I agree," Ashley breathed.
The female dragon screeched, then swooped toward her husband, who retreated out of claw range. "Did you see those two? That's love. I'll bet he would never leave his offspring unprotected." She retrieved the egg from the snow and tucked it beneath her body, fluttering her wings as she settled upon it.
The forest animal choir dispersed, probably to seek safer, non-dragon occupied ground.
The humans also kept their distance from the dragons, eschewing the dragons' maw areas, where periodic shots of smoke and fire blasted out. Except for Layyin, who crept ever closer as if no one would notice. "How is it you're alive?" Layyin said. "Aren't dragons maniacal killers? Please don't tell me they're easy-going sissies."
The male dragon roared and shot a stream of fire at Layyin's feet, while his wife snickered.
Layyin leaped away, giggling. "That tickled."
"I'll show you a tickle, or my name isn't Deathgiver the Fearsome—all who hear my name shall cower in fear," the dragon bellowed, inhaling for a long moment. Orange and red flames blossomed inside his gullet like a funeral pyre. "Why are none of you cowering?"
"They don't speak Dragon," Ashley said.
"Then translate for them," Death growled.
Ashley translated. Everyone cowered. Rather convincingly.
Except for Deathgiver the Fearsome's wife, who leaned her great horned head back and laughed so heartily, Ashley froze, expecting Avalanche, the Sequel.
Deathgiver the Fearsome sneered at his wife. "You're jealous of my wondrous and powerful name."
"No, I'm not. It's stupid. The dragon equivalent of a middle-aged human aristocrat getting a souped-up carriage to impress the ladies at court. Or buying a longer sword. Like those extra inches—"
"Silence, wife!"
Ashley rolled her eyes. Again with the sword envy. "Your name is a little long. Can I call you' Death?' for short?" Deathgiver the Fearsome—all who hear his name shall cower in fear—spewed fire. "Okay, I'll say the whole thing, but it is quite cumbersome."
Gerald leaned toward Ashley's ear and whispered, "don't anger the nice dragon who spurts fire and has extremely long razor-sharp talons." He executed a gallant bow. "Nice to meet you, Deathgiver the Fearsome—all who hear your name shall cower in fear—. And you, Mrs. the Fearsome—all—"
"No need. Call me, Ruth," said Mrs. the Fearsome.
Death spewed sulfurous smoke at Gerald. "You speak the language of the great ones as well, human?" He faced Ashley. "I thought you were the only one."
"This is Gerald," Ashley said. "My knight-not-in-shining-armor. He probably has witch blood too."
"Yep, I'm like her highness here."
Uh, oh. Ashley jabbed Gerald with her elbow.
"Highness?" the dragon said. If he'd had eyebrows, they would've been seriously quirked.
"Shhhh," Ashley said, gritting her teeth.
"Yes, six members of our party are royal. Each with an entire army at their disposal. Formidable armies of unwashed men with trebuchets, arrows, battleaxes, and even a guy at the front waving the royal banner."
"You told me not to anger the nice dragon," Ashley hissed.
Gerald flicked his gaze upward as if asking the heavens for guidance. "I thought that was a rather shrewd and subtle threat."
Death sat back on his haunches and roared, flapping his wings so hard, the humans tumbled into the air like autumn leaves before plopping into the snow.
"Such a drama queen," Ruth said.
Ashley stood, her bottom soaked. She brushed off snow for the millionth time since they'd begun this expedition. "Why'd you do that?"
"You never told me you were a princess," he said, coughing and spewing flames. Death regarded Ashley with a lizardy olive green vertically-slitted eye. "No matter. Today is the best day of my life."
These words caused a burbling pit of acid to gnaw at Ashley's stomach. If the dragon was happy, it had to mean something terrible. She was pretty sure. "Great," she said. "Well, we don't want to interfere with your amazing day. We'll be off. Thanks for the ride." Ashley scanned the area. Gulped. The bridge had fallen into the chasm. How would they ever reach the children now?
Death chuckled, the sound reminiscent of a wildfire crackling with joy as it consumed a forest full of trees.
"Oh, but Princess, you are the reason my day is going well."
"Why is that?" she said.
"Because it's a dragon's dream. I can abduct six royals at once. My brethren will be so impressed they will surely elect me head dragon. I will get all the best food. The top lair. Won't that make you happy, my darling Ruth?" He flashed a lizardy sideways wink at Ashley and confided, "she's always whining that her younger sister has a better lair than we do."
"As I said, small sword," Ruth huffed.
Gerald stood in front of Ashley. "Though I sympathize with your situation, you're not going to be abducting anyone today," he said, extracting his sword from its scabbard.
"What's the dragon saying?" Layyin said.
Ashley translated—"He wants to abduct us and take us to his lair. We're like the royal mother lode."
"Did you explain about our noble mission?" Sadira said.
Ashley shook her head. "Not yet. We've only covered the threat part so far."
"Anywho," said Death, regarding the sword as if it had all the killing power of a toothpick, "if you'll all be so kind as to tell the others to hop on my back, we can head back to the ol' lair."
"We can't go to your lair," Ashley said.
"Lair? What lair? Is there food?" Derek said. "What? I'm starving."
"Guys!" Ashley warned. "We're on our noble quest."
Derek frowned. "Can't the non-royals do it? I mean, we're not that useful in a questlike setting. We're plenty useful where it truly counts though," Derek said, eyes glittering.
Ruth winked at Derek. Even though they didn't speak the same language, they spoke the same language. Though Ashley had thought Derek was more into males.
Death spewed again. "Why has no one hopped on my back? I'm growing tired of your insolence."
"Look," Ashley said. "Why don't you just take me and let the others go?"
"No. Way," Gerald piped up. "I am not leaving you. I am your knight. Which means I'm with you. Day and night."
"Quiet, knave," Ashley said. "Deathgiver the Fearsome, think about how much cheaper it is to feed one person. Also, less whining for you to contend with. It will make it a much better experience for you overall."
Death rocked his head back and forth, from Ruth to Ashley and back again, as if mulling it over.
"What's happening now?" Sadira said.
"I assume he's thinking about my offer."
"Not a real offer," Gerald said.
"What did you offer?" Derek said. "Don't leave us in suspense."
Gerald answered. "She proposed that she would stay, and the dragon would let the rest of you leave."
"But I want to go to the lair," Kai whined. "It'll be much warmer there."
"I'm looking forward to continuing with the quest," Layyin said. "Especially now that there's no bridge. Think of the peril quotient!"
"What's a peril quotient?" Ashley said.
"Don't know. Just thought it would make me sound smart."
"Quiet!" Deathgiver the Fearsome roared. The others couldn't decipher the words, but they got the gist of the command and stopped chattering. "I see what you mean about the chatter. It would get on my nerves pretty fast. But sorry. I need everyone. The sheer number of you will assure my place in history. Bards will sing my praises for centuries."
"Did he take your offer?" Derek said. "Stop looking at me like that, Knight. You can't fight with a dragon."
"Wanna watch me?" Gerald said.
"Actually, I would like to watch very much," Derek purred.
"Maybe if you tell the dragon about our noble quest," Sadira suggested. "He's a father. I'm sure he'll understand."
Ashley exhaled a cloud of worried breath that hung in the air before dissipating. She highly doubted he would 'understand,' but her options were limited. "Death ... I mean Deathgiver the Fearsome—all who hear your name shall cower in fear, I understand how much a princess haul like this would mean to you. But I implore you to release us. We are on a noble mission to rescue innocent children. If you kidnap us, they might die."
"How is that my problem?"
"Did you hear the 'innocent children' part?" Ashley said.
"So?"
"Husband," Ruth said, blasting him with flame. "You would let young ones die because you're going through a midlife crisis and have to prove you're 'The Man'... I mean, 'The Dragon?'"
"What are they saying now?" Kai asked.
"They're having a marital spat," Ashley translated.
"Look, I'm a magnanimous dragon," Deathgiver the Fearsome said, puffing out his scaly chest.
Ashley forced what she hoped was a grateful smile. "I could tell you were."
"I do not need the guards and the knight. They may go on this crazy rescue mission. They're expendable, right? Do the guards even speak?"
"No one is expendable," Ashley said, wondering if the guards had spoken during the mission, and if not, what did it mean if anything?
"We say nay to your offer, Deathgiver," Gerald growled, too angry to say the whole stupid name. "I shall be forced to slay you."
"You're not a prince."
"We've already established that I'm a knight."
"Tsk. Tsk. Only princes slay dragons. It's a fairy tale law."
"What's he saying now?" Tressa said.
"He argues that dragons may only be legally slain by princes."
Whoosh, replied Gerald's blade as he swiped it through the air. "The sword of a knight sings as sweetly as that of a prince," he said in Dragon.
"What the dragon argues is illogical," Sadira said. "What does it matter who wields the weapon as long as its victim bleeds?"
Gerald nodded his head. "My point exactly. Pun not intended. "Gerald extended his arm, stuck out his thumb, and squinted, gauging his target. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to slay you now."
"Gerald!" As if Ashley didn't have enough worries, now she had to stop her hair-brained knight from being roasted. Since there was no reasoning with him, she focused her efforts on Death. "You seem like a practical dragon," Ashley said. "So, I think I should warn you that Prince Charming will slay you if you take us to your lair." Ashley doubted Prince Charming would risk a single hair to save her, but what the dragon didn't know, etc. "Why play the game? I guarantee you we won't be worth your trouble nor your life. And you don't want to make Ruth a widow having to raise a dragonling alone."
"Hmmm," Ruth said, nostrils twitching. "A widow. Hadn't thought of that. Okay, be my guest."
No, no, no. Ruth wasn't supposed to encourage a battle to the death. "I didn't mean—" she began, but caught sight of Death, swinging his great head from Ashley to Ruth and back again—definitely pondering Ruth's cavalier feelings about his impending death.
"Perhaps you're right, Princess. I do not want my wife to suffer over my demise for the rest of her life. Not that it's likely there would be any demising, but even a small chance of filling my dearest one with such sorrow ..."
"Sorrow? Not sure that's the word," Ruth quipped.
Ashley pressed her palm to her heart and glanced toward the heavens. She had conquered Death. Well, not so much conquered as convinced, but, anyway, she won! Gerald wouldn't be toast. They would be free to go.
"Hold the phone! Did you say, Prince Charming? Wait, you're Princess Ashley, aren't you?"
"What's a phone?" Gerald said.
Ashley lifted her chin, cheeks pink. So weird being a celebrity. Having people (and dragons) you've never met before, know your appearance from the broadsheets and the occasional statue. Most of the statues were for Charming, but there were a few of her as well. The ones where she stood dutifully beside her prince, gazing up at him as if he was god's special gift. "I am."
"Now that I think of it, I know all of you! Prince Derek, Princess Kai, Princess Sadira, Princess Tressa, and Princess Layyin. The only princess from the seven realms who's missing is Blanche. Where is she?"
"I'm not sure," Ashley lied.
"No matter," Death said. "Now, I'm going to have to take you to my lair."
"But ..."
"No buts. I hope your prince does come. I will extinguish him."
"How do you know Prince Charming? From the broadsheets and statues?"
"Every dragon knows Dragonkiller. He's been exterminating our kind for a hundred years. He has killed thirty dragonlings of my tribe, and any chance I have to end his evil reign, I will take it. It is worth it to me."
"Which is why you never should've left our egg unattended!" Ruth grumbled.
Ashley sucked in a breath. Kill a hundred dragonlings? So inhumane. But of course, Charming didn't possess a single empathetic bone in his stupid perfect body. "Why would he do that? Kill dragon children?"
"For their blood," Death said, shuddering. "He and his evil sidekick are into dark magic."
"Wait," Ashley said. "Not that I'm trying to talk you out of killing him, but did you say earlier that the prince ... er ... Dragonkiller has been killing dragons for a hundred years?"
"I did."
"You must have the wrong guy. Charming is a lot of things, most of them bad, but he's not old. He's about twenty-five, tops."
"Nope. Same guy. He's so old, if he didn't get his daily magical infusion, he'd probably crumble to dust in seconds."
"But that's impossible."
"Why do you think Charming wants dragon blood?"
"No clue."
"For that magical infusion. That magician up yonder." Death lifted his head toward the cloud-shrouded mountaintop. "He's been working for DragonKiller for years now. Providing glamours. Youth spells. But no one fools a dragon. I smell his dragon magic."
"Wait, wait, wait," Ashley said. "The magician is up at the top of Mount Dolorem?"
"Sure is. That's where his lair is. Not as nice as my new one will be, though."
"The children we're trying to rescue are atop Mt. Dolorem. And our quest is already made more difficult by the destruction of the bridge." Ashley eyed Death's wings and elongated spine. "Perhaps you could—"
Death snorted, smoke ejecting from his nostrils. "You're planning to visit the magician's lair? Do you even have a plan? I can see it now. 'Hey, Mr. Evil Magician, could you please hand over those kids and not zap us into oblivion? Bye.'" Death snort-laughed again, obviously amused at his own joke.
Ashley pursed her lips, then blew out a breath. "I thought we'd start with reconnaissance. Assess the situation. Use subterfuge." She tried to sound self-assured but was fully aware that, if someone applied a cheese metaphor, her plan was more Swiss than gouda. "Sometimes, you don't have a choice. You have to think on the fly. Do your best. Because if you don't try, you automatically lose."
"How naively quaint. Well, think of me abducting you all as a favor. Not only does the evil magician have gobs of dark magic, but I also hear he's training an acolyte. And word on the mountain is she's crazier than he is. And, look, they do travel, and there's a chance they might not be there, but you can count on the fact that the children would be magically guarded with a succession of painful and diabolical booby traps. Even I, the great Deathgiver, have been trying to roast that magician for years." Ruth narrowed her eyes at her husband. "How do you know so much about what goes on up there?" Deathgiver lowered his gaze, kicking a mound of snow. "Deathgiver!"
"Okay. I might do a flyby sometimes, to see if I can catch him without his cloak. But I wouldn't go after him myself. I would report it to my brethren and be rewarded for my shrewdness, probably with a bigger lair."
"Cloak?" Ashley said.
"He possesses a cloak that gives him dragon-fire immunity. It's made of," Death gulped, "dragonskin."
Like the dragonskin cloak that Mercer had stolen from Marveloni at the camp! The one Marvy went bonkers over. It made so much sense now. "I think I know that cloak, and he doesn't have it anymore," Ashley said.
"You lie!" Death said, flapping his wings.
"Why would I do that?"
"To fool me into flying you up there."
"You're the fool," Ruth roared. "You know she's telling the truth. Behind your bluster, you're nothing but a coward. I will help these humans. Therefore, Princess Ashley, I will take you and your friends. Hop on."
Ashley clapped her hand over her mouth, tears welling in her eyes. "Wow, Ruth, I don't know what to say."
"Don't mention it," Ruth said. "I respect that you want to protect the innocent from evil."
"I do."
"I have only one request."
"Anything."
"Can that cute prince sit up front? I'll let him hold Junior." Ruth winked at Derek.
"Wait!" Death cried. "You're taking Junior and leaving me? For a human prince? You know humans are nothing but walking Petri dishes. It's dangerous. Did you hear the part about the evil magician? You would put Junior in such danger?"
Ruth bathed Death in fire. Oops. It seemed as if he had managed to offend his wife—typical man, not taking his own advice.
"I cannot trust you with Junior, and I'm only going to drop them off. Have your stuff out of my cave before I return, or I'll torch it."
A gallon-sized teardrop leaked from Death's left eye. "But I love you."
"Prove it," Ruth spat, leaping into the cloudy sky.
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*At least Ashley figured it out eventually!
** I'm not sure about the angels but call it artistic license.
***Author interjection brought to you because ravendra8 made a personal request last week. I am to please! Thank you, Ravendra!
This chapter is dedicated to RodneyVSmith for his help in insisting I have a logical magic system. Thanks, Rodney!!!
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