Ryzen POV
When I arrived at my condo, even tough my body was already feeling heavy, I managed to get myself to the bedroom.
Once I arrived, my knees instantly collapsed in the ground. Bit by bit, I crawled slowly next to the bed.
In an instant, I let out a loud, painful cry.
I was screaming hysterically.
I would clutch tightly on the bedsheet then the next moment, I would punch my chest very hard.
It was so painful...
I was doing it, in an attempt to somehow relieve the pain. It's funny and illogical, though... How can I relieve the pain when I'm only inflicting more pain to myself?
But... it really hurts.
"Ahhhh!!!!!" I screamed.
I want to curse at the heavens, for even bringing my existence in this world.
Why? Why are the heavens so cruel? If they were not, they would've never let me exist.
Why did they let someone like me exist, who only brought endless pain to another person? Who was a symbol of treachery and filthiness?
I don't understand!
I don't know how long I was sobbing for but maybe because I was too tired, I fell into a short nap.
When I woke up, I was still in the same position, just kneeling beside my bed.
This time though, when I opened my eyes, all the tears are already dried up.
Even though I wanted to cry even more, it seems like I did not have the strength to do so anymore.
Tired of kneeling on the floor, I let myself fall on the carpet instead.
Lying down, I looked up the ceiling, feeling lifeless.
What do I do now?
I've always been so sure of my goals. I've always had concrete plans.
But now, what do I do?
I suddenly heard a loud thud, but I didn't care much for it. So what? Maybe I'm just hallucinating too.
But then, I heard footsteps coming near me.
Now, instead of the ceiling, I saw a handsome man's face.
He's here? How come?
Ah, right...
Lennox would always visit my condo. Actually, I would say that he's already kind of living with me. And so, I gave him a spare key so he can just come in anytime.
Whenever he came over, it's not like we did the deed everytime...
Sometimes, we would just cuddle, eat, or simply chat with each other. It was those things that warms my fragile heart the most.
Especially when we chat with each other.
Lennox is a very intelligent person and I feel like we're on the same wavelength. He challenges my thoughts and encourages me to think deeper.
I love that... I love being challenged and being able to learn from a person.
While blooming as a teenager, I was already involved with different kind of men. With that, I was able to gain experiences and learn otherworldly pleasures.
At that time, now that I think about it, casually dating men was definitely my coping method.
From the sweet words they would say, the soft touches they would give, I thought that it would complete me.
I thought that it would be able to fill the void that was missing in my heart... the void of yearning for a mother's love.
But now, thinking about it, I wish that I had a different coping method. I was incredibly foolish and casually gave myself to other people, without thinking much of it and without being fully emotionally invested on them.
Sure, it was great and brought in a lot of pleasure... But, it was only for a little while. It wasn't a permanent solution. After some time, I would feel the same helpless feelings again.
Maybe it was because of that very reason, that I never liked someone seriously. To be precise, I was emotionally unavailable. I quickly got bored and would change men instantly.
Hmmm...
I hope that I did not get exposed so early into that world, and just like Millen Yu, reserved myself for a man that I truly loved, at least.
I called her foolish, but in the end, I feel like it is me who is foolish.
Ah, why am I suddenly thinking about this anyway? It is only making me sad even more.
It is making me regret things that I did not really bother about before.
I didn't even notice that Lennox already kneeled on the carpet to be able to stare at me closely.
He caressed my cheek for a while, probably finding the tear stains on it. But it was only then, that I stopped staring in a spiritless way.
His large hand grabbed one of my hand and with that, I feel like I have gathered some strength to at least sit up.
Neither of us spoke up but he was staring at me as if I was lifeless and about to break anytime.
As I stared at him while I felt the warmth of his hand, my eyes could not hep but become misty.
How come? I thought I had no strength anymore? Why are tears threatening to fall again?
"Baby... what happened? Why are you sad? You weren't replying to my texts or calls. I was worried so I came here." Lennox murmured in a soft voice, his voice sounding almost like a lullaby.
But instead of comforting me, the tears that I was stopping from falling, fell instantly!
Again, the tears came again without warning!
I don't even know why. It's not like his voice pained me or anything. But they just wouldn't stop.
Lennox looked agitated, as he frowned his eyebrows. He looked like he was facing a difficult problem.
His jaw clenched as he took me in his embrace.
While gently patting my back, he kept kissing my head and softly whispered comforting words.
"Shh... It's okay." he spoke softly.
As if I was hypnotised, I listened to him and kept on mumbling my grievances.
I feel like like Lennox did not understand at all since it was just a mix of sobs and useless mumblings, but he did not care.
He was patient and only embraced me more, as if he understood the pain that I was feeling.
I never thought that there would be a day where I would reveal my vulnerable side to Lennox.
Who knew that... this man's presence became a symbol of comfort for me.
Maybe, is this what they call 'home'?
I've heard that others don't consider places home. Instead, they consider a certain person their 'home' - someone who gives them comfort and warm feelings.
Perhaps, I can consider this man that?
After all, the home that I once considered is now completely shattered. Besides, when I visited there just days before, the feelings I felt pale in comparison to the warm feelings that this man gives me.
As I continued with my sobs, I clutched on his back tightly, as if I was really asking for his strength.