Unfortunately, opening up to my dad didn't erase the fact that I was still grounded. Disappearing for an entire day only tacked on more days to my sentence.
The rest of my day after our talk was spent lying in bed, staring at my bedroom ceiling as I pondered what I'd do when I returned to school the next day.
A part of me wanted to go on blindly. Keep Kale at bay and satisfied; keep Jesse at arm's length and happy. It seemed like the less stressful option, but it wasn't fair. I already knew that, though. I was in too deep now. I'd feel like even more of liar than I already did, and I was sick of making excuses for myself to Jesse and Kale—even to Katrina—and not knowing why.
I sighed loudly, closing my eyes.
But they were all lying to me too, guarding their own secrets just as I was mine.
The sound of thunder suddenly clapped loudly outside.
I turned to the window, watching as the rain began to lightly fall against the glass, the droplets catching and sliding down.
I'd get the truth, I thought, watching the window.
But first I'd have to confront the person who caused this mess.
* * *
Honestly, I'd hoped that my fight with Farrah would have been water under the bridge by the time I returned to class, but alas, as I walked through the hall on my way to my locker, I could hear the faint sound of my own voice from a phone nearby.
I pretended not to notice. But as I opened my locker, I couldn't help but linger there, using the door as a barrier to keep anyone passing by from seeing the tinge of red kiss my cheeks. My skin only doubled in heat when I heard Farrah's shriek and the sound of the crowd that had been watching us erupt in gasps of surprise.
I closed my eyes, trying to shut the sounds of the video out.
And then I felt a hand touch the small of my back.
I backed a fraction away from my locker, looking to my right to see the door slowly closing to reveal Jesse on the other side.
"Hey." It only took that one word, and the soft, almost reassuring way he said it, that helped me breathe out.
I broke his gaze to glance behind me, suddenly finding the confidence to track down the phone and ask the owner if they wanted to take Farrah's place in my next viral video.
"You alright?" Jesse asked, casting a look around.
"Yeah," I sighed. The sound of the video had died down, drowned out by the bustling of the hall. I looked back to Jesse. "I'm fine."
"Good." He smiled lightly.
My eyes dropped to his mouth, but I caught myself before he could notice, clearing my throat a little too loudly. I turned back to my locker, grabbing the edge of the door to open it back up.
"So," Jesse started, moving to my left so that I could have the locker open as I ruffled through my textbooks. He turned with his back against the locker beside mine, his eyes across the hall. "How'd it go?"
I assumed he must have meant my return home. "They were...understanding."
He looked at me. "Did you lie to them?"
"No." He hadn't said anything in response to that for a few long seconds, so I paused what I was doing, looking over to see his eyebrows raised, another smile dancing at his lips. "What?"
"You told them you were with me?"
"Are you crazy?" I laughed, bringing my bag up and organizing the books I began placing inside. But I noticed a second too late that Jesse hadn't shared my amusement. I looked back at him, my smile dying. "What is it?"
"Why didn't you?" he asked.
"What did you want me to say? That I—" I stopped myself, becoming hyperaware of the sound of my voice. I glanced uneasily at the people around me before continuing in a lower tone. "You wanted me to tell my parents that I spent the night with a guy, in his house alone?"
He looked confused. "Well, I mean what did you tell them if not that?"
"What I'd texted. I was with a friend."
"They must have asked for a name."
"They didn't," I said back, my voice still hushed. "They were more worried about why I disappeared and a little less about who I disappeared with."
I finished up adjusting my locker, closing it only to look back at Jesse to find him deep in his thoughts.
A wave of compassion overcame me. I touched his arm. "Why does it matter?"
After a moment, he suddenly straightened up against the lockers, offering a hopeful smile. "It doesn't—you're right. You did it so they wouldn't think bad of me, right?"
Honestly, I hadn't really considered why I didn't tell my dad where I was. I could've, especially after our talk when I was already telling him the truth to begin with. A part of me wanted to believe that it was because I likely would have been in even bigger trouble than I already was, but the actual truth was that my parents hadn't thought to ask so I hadn't thought to tell.
"I—well," I hesitated. "I guess you can say that."
Jesse didn't seem to be satisfied with my answer, but he offered a smile anyway. "Sounds good," he said. "Anyway...I've got to get to class. I'll see you later, okay?"
I could only stand there as he began walking away, my mouth parted.
I'd said something wrong, didn't I? I definitely got that impression.
What the hell was he thinking?
I let my bag slip to the ground and rushed a few steps forward. "Jess!"
He stopped, looking back over his shoulder at me, looking a little amused despite how dark the air around him was. I was a little surprised at myself, too. Jess?
Someone walked by me, but there weren't many people in the hall anymore. Many seemed to be talking amongst themselves, too distracted to hear me as I took one more step forward and said, "We should make some time to talk. About everything."
For a while there, I was worried he didn't want to. I wouldn't have blamed him—I'd contemplated ignoring it last night as well. But then his gaze softened, and one side of his lips quirked up into a smile. He didn't give me a definite answer, only nodding once before he turned back around and disappeared around the edge of the hall.
* * *
He hadn't said anything to me in class. When the bell rung, and he let himself be ushered out by a couple of guys he regularly talked to, I was left wondering as I gathered my things if maybe pushing back our talk wasn't so wise after all.
Something felt off, but I reminded myself that it was better for me to take on one thing at a time.
But the doubt returned when the end of the day started to present itself, and in gym, he hadn't said a word to me either.
We'd been sitting on the bleachers inside the gym. The coach had decided that the dark clouds still lingering in the sky from last night's storm was a good enough reason to remain indoors. Mud trekked in from outside onto the floor of the gymnasium, remnants of the other students in earlier periods of today that didn't get to enjoy a relaxing day inside.
The people around me were more than happy to partake in the freedom.
But I sat alone, trying to appear occupied as I skimmed my Algebra textbook. I was given a fair size of homework to make up for my two-day suspension, but I was much too occupied within my own thoughts to actually comprehend anything I was reading.
My eyes kept wandering to the back doors of the gym. It was off to my right, the glass panels revealing the soccer field outside. I could barely see the edges of the bleachers where Kale usually was.
A couple more minutes of mindless reading went by before I sighed. It wasn't any use. I was better off discreetly playing games on my phone at this rate. I cast a quick glance to the clock above the gym doors, but as I looked up, I only wound up catching sight of Jesse instead.
The coach who instructed the boys had them sitting on the bleachers on the opposite side of the girls. Jesse was sitting nearest to the exit, hunched over, listening to something a friend of his was saying beside him.
I noticed his eyes fall to the ground. I felt as though he might've looked up at me just then, but a whistle suddenly blew. "Alright guys! Pack it up! Time to go!"
The people around me sprung to action. I tried to find the shape of him again but ended up completely losing sight of him in the crowd. When it dispersed, he was gone.
I bit the inside of my cheek, shoving my textbook into my bag and maneuvering around a few girls still lingering on the bleachers. Once my feet hit the hardwood, I took a step toward the main exit, but when I heard the doors leading out to the field clang shut, I stopped myself.
That was right. Kale.
I had been absentmindedly attempting to follow Jesse.
I reluctantly turned and headed to the other exit. During the morning, the sky had been relatively cloudless, but the dark shapes ended up returning. One look at the tendrils of grass and the mud littering the sidewalk, and I began to seriously wonder if I should have attempted to find Kale in the morning. I doubted he'd linger out in the open with the weather acting the way it was.
I stood by the doors of the gym, looking over to the bleachers with my eyes squinted. I couldn't see him.
After a quick glance around, I pulled out my phone and opened his contact.
Where are you? I texted him.
My phone chimed a minute later with his response. West side of the school. Why?
We need to talk.
His next response kept me waiting five minutes. I was just about to retreat home when I read it. Meet me on the bleachers, then. Football field.
I slipped my phone back into my pocket and began my slow trek through the wet grass. As expected, the bleachers were soaking wet, so I opted to lean against the railing separating me from the track and the football field. But just as I set my hands down onto it, a drop of rain fell onto the back of my palm.
I glanced up, reaching to pull the hood of my jacket over my head.
It wasn't long until my foot started tapping at the ground. I didn't want to stay here and wait as the rain started up. Kale wasn't worth the cold that it would bring on.
I pushed away from the railing, bringing out my phone.
A second later, I heard his footfalls on the concrete.
I sighed in relief, approaching him. "Took you long enough."
"You're impatient today," he observed. The grim weather made the strands of his light hair a bit darker than usual. "What's going on?"
"It's Jesse."
"I'd hope so."
I hesitated, not knowing how to proceed. "Well, he came by my house..."
"While you were suspended?"
"Yeah."
Kale made a face. "That explains why you didn't call me back."
My lips parted, but the right words failed to come out. I felt myself wavering, my confidence cracking under the weight of my chest. And then finally, "Kale, he told me he loved me."
One of his eyebrows quirked up. "That so?"
"You don't seem surprised."
"That's because I'm not," he said, leaning back against one of the beams supporting the bleachers. "I knew he liked you, and so did you."
I looked away. Liking someone isn't the same as loving them, but okay, dude.
After a while, he released a breathy sigh. "I know that look, Carson."
"What look?"
He took a step forward, his head lowering to get a better glimpse of me. "I've already seen it on you before."
I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jacket, looking down. A long moment went by.
"You always disappear with him and come back looking the way you do now. You deserve better than this—than him."
I met his eyes, my face set. "I'm getting really tired of hearing that."
"Why?" he asked. "Because it's true?"
"Because no one knows him!" Pity bled into the blank expression on Kale's face. I scoffed under my breath at the sight, walking forward, back toward the school. It only took a couple steps before I stopped and turned back around. "I can't do this anymore."
A heavy blanket of silence hung in the air between us. I thought leaving it at that was good enough, but just as I was about to turn to leave, he nodded slowly. "Okay," he said.
Wait, what? I shifted in place. "Okay?"
"I..." He ran a hand through his hair. "I can't do it either."
Well that came as a surprise. "Why not?"
"No point in devising ways to hurt him when I don't care anymore," he said. He suddenly met my eyes. "To tell you the truth, I lost track of when it stopped being less about him...and more about you."
That took a bit to settle in. He didn't mean...? I repeated his words again in my mind, but the look on his face seemed to paint a perfect picture of how I was meant to interpret them. I stared at him in a mix of confusion and surprise. "You're kidding."
"No," he said lowly, taking a step toward me. I stumbled back a step, but his strides were longer than mine were. "You say you know him, and I take your word for it. But I still think you can do better than that because I know you."
"No, you don't," I countered.
"Yeah? Tell me then, Carson, what are you hiding from me?" he asked, and I hesitated too long with an answer. "I'm the only one here who really knows you."
He crossed the distance between us, wrapping a hand under my jaw and leaning down to press a kiss to my mouth. I was overcome with the smell of cigarettes and cologne. His lips were cold, but before I could recoil with what he'd done, he moved away.
I breathed out, eyes wide, my head ringing as I tried to fight the shock down.
And then, "Carson?"
I whipped around at the familiar voice.
The hood of my jacket fell back, and with the barrier no longer there, I was greeted with the sight of Jesse—and Farrah by his side.
I wanted to believe I was still in shock from what Kale had just done—and I was, truly—but I couldn't help myself when my eyes met Farrah's and the first thing out of my mouth was, "What the hell are you doing here?"
Jesse stepped forward, half his body blocking hers. "The better question is what the hell are you doing here?"
I looked at him, and I could see the onset of emotions swirling there. I seemed to be overcome with them too. I breathed in, breathed out, but despite the efforts, it was as if I couldn't catch a foothold on my own lungs. I glanced at Kale beside me—for help?—but it didn't even matter because his eyes were on Jesse.
"I—we were just talking," I sputtered out.
I couldn't remember the last time Jesse had glared at me before. Had he at all? If he did, it certainly wasn't with the same ferocity that was there now. "Some talk you must have had."
"You don't understand—"
"The only thing I'm understanding is that I waited for you after class and you never showed." Jesse waved a hand to Kale. "But now I see why."
Some childish instinct seemed to overtake me just then. "And what about you?" I retorted. I shot a glare at Farrah. "Doesn't look like you're short of supply in replacements."
"It's not like that, Carson," Farrah cut in innocently. "I saw you out here with someone else. I just wanted to do the right thing."
"BULLSHIT—" I was about to lunge forward.
She shied away, but it was Jesse's hand that shot across in front of her that stopped me in my tracks. "She didn't do anything wrong!"
"Of course you'd say that!"
"Of course I would! She's the one who told me my fucking girlfriend is out here waiting for some other guy!"
There was a word in there somewhere that should have roused a reaction in me; in another time it would have spiraled me out of my senses. I would have probably felt the heat I was feeling in my ears somewhere in my heart, but I didn't hear anything other than the anger he was shooting at me that I just couldn't help but shoot right back.
I stared him down, hiding my fists behind my crossed arms. "You and I both know that's not what I meant."
He opened his mouth to respond, but then relented, casting a look at Farrah.
"I saw you the night of your party," I told him. "On the stairs. I saw you with her."
His eyes dropped. He blinked once—twice, and then looked back to me. His head was shaking. "You lied to me?"
"I didn't lie about anything."
"Bullshit. You knew what I did and acted like you didn't."
"I asked you! I gave you so many chances to tell me the truth and you kept turning me away! How the hell does that make me the liar?"
He sighed angrily, clenching and unclenching his fist before he took a step toward me. "I didn't want to tell you because nothing happened."
"We kissed," came Farrah's voice.
He shot a look at her. "I was drunk out of my mind."
"That's no excuse," Kale scoffed.
"Fuck off!"
I'd been about to shoot a hand out in front of Kale, to shove the image of that in Jesse's face just as he'd done with Farrah to me, but then I really looked at the light haired boy beside me, and I was reminded of what he'd done just before Jesse had showed up here.
I didn't know who to trust.
A long moment of tense silence went by.
Then, quietly, I said, "I was so mad at you for that night."
All eyes went to me, but mine were only on Jesse.
"You'd made so much effort to talk to me and follow me around," I went on. "You talked your way into my world, and like nothing, you proved to me that I had always been what they said about me. That I was turning into the same girl that I used to protect from you when we met."
The anger on Jesse's face wavered. He made to take another step toward me, his hand reaching out.
I backed away from his touch, needing to go on, not wanting to be distracted out of telling my truth. "I wanted to hurt you before you could hurt me. It was the only thing that made sense, and all this time—even now—I don't think I had it in me." I lowered my head. "It was Kale that kept convincing me that I could—"
"Kale..." Jesse interrupted me with a murmur, his gaze moving to the other boy. Recognition registered in his face at the name. His mouth turned up in a smile and he breathed a laugh. But despite the dark amusement, I could see his blue eyes shrouded in a glimmer. "I get it now."
I waited. Kale took a step forward, and I think it was that image of him half standing in front of me that made Jesse take a few steps back.
He breathed in and looked at me, slowly moving backward. "You did have it in you."
And with that, he turned, walking back to the school.
It was only when he got to the main doors of the building, that I rushed a few steps forward, teetering on the edge of what I should do. I felt my heart in my throat when he disappeared inside. I felt like I was suffocating.
What do I do?
"You did the right thing, Carson."
It was Farrah who'd said it. I looked at her, still reeling from what had just happened that no words came out when my lips parted.
All I could manage was a strangled breath before I pushed past her and ran for the school. I wasn't exactly sure what I was doing as I moved through the halls. I felt like I should've had a plan, but when I reached the main doors leading to the parking lot, any inkling of one failed to find me.
It didn't feel over.
But when I stumbled back outside, catching the taillights of his car turn onto the road, his tires squealing from the speed, the finality of it all resounded in the air around me.
It was over.
〰️
dont ya just hate to see it
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