I glanced to the side, eyeing the bench I sat on the day she died.
I cleared my throat, my hair rustling in the wind as the train zoomed past. My fingers tightened on my luggage handle and I awaited the slowing of the train.
September.
It felt like ages the night Sirius walked back to the train station. Everyday felt like it went on for hours and I can't believe I stayed in my bed when I said I would live my life to the fullest.
I had to wait.
Sighing, I gazed upon the students and parents. They didn't know this area replicated a prison in my mind. They didn't know the curse I dragged in the moment I came back from St. Mungo's.
This train station has so many bad omens and none of them have a clue.
Looking at the side, the pillar marked with a 9 caught my attention. Under it, the girl I dreaded seeing once the school starts, stood.
Her platinum hair was pulled into a low ponytail and the sparkles from her eyes were gone. Her undereyes darkened and the fair skin even paler than the last time I saw her.
She was quiet and kept to herself. She noticed me looking and her icy eyes bored a dead look into mine. Furrowing my brows, I lowered my eyes to avoid the lifeless gaze of Pandora.
The train came to a stop.
Quickly, I made my way through the families. Lugging me and my items onto the train, I began busying myself with finding an empty compartment.
Here we go again.
Sixth year begins.
It's all normal again. Only difference, is me. I have to fess up and atone. I have to tell the truth to the others and face the reality. I'm going to die. And they deserve to see me and know this before then.
So I sit, silently. I know exactly what's going to happen. It's happened five times already. I await Peter and Remus to come aboard, greet them, wait once more. Sirius and James arrive late. I greet them, and wait till I catch a glimpse of Lily.
They are probably waiting to see my face again.
But when they do, I won't be the same person.
The compartment door slid open, revealing Wormtail. He smiled at me, absolutely oblivious. I faked my smile back, waving my hand to indicate I noticed his greeting.
"Doing okay, Fawkes? Last time we saw you, a bit depressing, innit?" he joked.
"Haha, yeah," I responded half heartedly.
He rose an eyebrow, settling himself. He cleared his throat, running a hand through his hair. It's always a little awkward when it's just me and Peter together. But we still care a lot about each other. We can't communicate well though.
"I saw Moony talking to Lily earlier. Maybe about prefect business. He'll be here soon," he said, trying to fill the air.
"That's good," I replied.
I cringed at myself. I'm just so nervous to talk to them about what's actually been happening. I don't know how it came to this point. I don't know why I thought I couldn't come to them about anything.
"Mhm."
I inwardly slapped my forehead. Why am I acting so strange? Did I think I would feel judged? Maybe about the Rosanna thing.. But they're my best friends. They would never judge me too harshly.
But what if they did? What if they saw me as this horrible person? What if they didn't want to be friends with me anymore?
The compartment door made a noise as it was opened again. Broken from my thoughts, I peered at the doorway.
Remus was slightly out of breath but he was beaming. My mood went up a bit. The wide smile on his face would always cheer me up somewhat. He came up to me.
He ruffled my hair and chuckled. "Morning, lil thing. Told you not to cry because we'll be together again," he teased.
The awkwardness lifted. Moony took a seat next to Peter and bumped into him a bit. He grinned at him and greeted the boy.
"Ah! They're actually quite early this year. They'll be here in a minute. Didn't seem like they were running though," Moony said.
Figures. Sirius knows what happened with me now and he probably wasn't in the mood to joke around and race their way here. He was probably just as nervous as I am.
Just as Remus said, the two came into my view and entered the already open compartment door.
Sirius made eye contact with me, a soft smile on his face. He looks tired. His eye bags were a little darkened from the last time I saw him. It makes sense because he spent the summer with his family. I hope it doesn't turn out that way the next summer.
He slid next to me, leaning his weight on me. My eyes widened, remembering we hadn't told the others yet.
"We're a bit early, aren't we?" James' voice boomed.
I jumped at the level of his voice. He snickered and closed the door now. He scratched the side of his face and settled next to Padfoot.
The atmosphere was slightly tense. I just know I was going to ruin it even more. That's what I'm good at, I suppose.
"Ahem.. not to ruin the morning, but there's something I really need to tell you guys," I blurted.
Their playful attitudes dropped instantly and their focus zeroed in on me. Padfoot laid his hand ontop of mine and squeezed it in reassurance.
"What's wrong, love?" Prongs asked.
"Did something happen?" Moony questioned.
"Go on.. we're listening," Wormtail urged gently.
They're all so concerned. As expected of all of them. But do I deserve their worries? Do I deserve to sit here with their eyes full of care on me? What have I done to receive the love of them?
I swallowed quietly, running a hand through my hair. The ends of my blonde morphed to a lovely royal blue. It means I'm sad. The blue means I've been overwhelmed and I can't function well anymore. I can't appreciate things the way I used to.
I sighed, angry that I'm acting like this. Where is my control? It's no where and why the hell am I so emotional? Nothing is going right and I can't control it.
"You're hair is wildin out. It's red and blue... interesting choice," James commented.
"What? Are you angry and sad? What'd we do?" Peter wondered.
"Uhm.. I guess I'll start now. Not to be blunt.. but I'm dying."
I lowered my eyes, too afraid to see their reaction. Sirius' hand interlocked with mine and I breathed out lightly.
"You're joking, Fawkes. Don't mess with us like that," Moony laughed off, nervousness showing in his tone.
"No you're not. Who said that?" Prongs defended.
"You can't be serious," Wormtail scoffed.
My throat tightened and I forced myself to not cry again. All I do is cry. How pathetic. They knew I wasn't kidding. They knew when I was but they're denying it. I wouldn't believe me either though.
I took another breath in, mumbling, "It's true."
"What the fuck? What do you mean?" Prongs exclaimed.
"What the hell happened over the summer? This can't be happening. You're not fucking dying," Moony denied.
"Shit, shit, shit. Fawkes, what just-" Wormtail cut himself off, too shocked to even form a full sentence.
Taking another breath, I calmed myself down before I spoke, "Remember that time I passed out in the dining hall? I- I was sent into this train station built into my mind by Tom Riddle..."
I sound so insane.
Why the hell would they believe this shit?
"Train station? Your mind? You're not ill, are you?" James asked, unbelieving of what I said.
"It's real. On the night my parents died, a woman came to see me. She put a spell on me to contain my powers. I'm a strega mortale," I began.
"Strega mortale? I thought those were just a myth," Remus said.
"They're not. The metamorphmagus? That's a sign of strega mortale," I replied.
"Then what? What else happened that night?" James prodded.
"The spell worked. But Tom Riddle came to my home and killed my parents. He built this train station in my mind- I think it's some sort of loophole to break at the spell over time.
I went to find the woman with Pandora, that Ravenclaw girl, over the summer. She told me about the spell and if someone keeps destroying it from within me, then I die. I have only a few years left, maybe five more if I'm lucky," I explained.
"Five?! Bloody hell, this isn't making sense," James shout out.
"You're telling me.. we're not going to be with each other in the end?" Peter said, sadness taking him and the reality setting in.
"Fawkes, you're- We're not going to grow old together? Is that what you're telling us?" Moony pleaded.
I nodded my head, tears brimming my eyes. The others grew emotional too. Remus' eyes were lined red and his cheeks flamed with emotion. The red showed the raw pain in him and how close he was to crying.
James shook his head, still in denial. I don't blame him. Everything I said sounds like a damn bad lie. He ran a hand over his mouth, absolutely astounded.
"And there's another thing..."
"Another thing? What else is there? Did you goddamn kill somebody? There's nothing worse you could've done!" James yelled.
I flinched, remembering the cold stare Pandora contained. Remembering the loll of her grandmother's head, moving along the back of her wheelchair.
"James!" Sirius exclaimed, grabbing his attention.
"What, Padfoot? Did she?" he responded, still so baffled.
"She didn't! Why can't you listen to her? Imagine what she's feeling, she must be so upset and you don't even know. It's her life that's been shortened," he defended.
"It's true, I killed her," I muttered.
"Cry!" Sirius said.
"What?" James deadpanned.
Remus and Peter didn't respond. They sat silently as they listened. A tear fell down Remus' face and he wiped at it quickly so no one would notice. But I noticed. He looked out to the window.
"I killed the woman," I repeated.
"You did not. You couldn't help that she had a heart attack. How old was she? You said she's gone through three strega mortale? She must've been in her hundreds then! Anything would've sent her off the edge," he argued.
"She had a heart attack? Then you didn't kill her. How silly. Where the hell is your common sense, Cry?" James said, completely serious.
"It's not that simple! I kept pushing her for information and once I mentioned Tom Riddle, she died. It's not like she suddenly died. She died because of the stress I gave her!" I argued.
"Are you stupid? The bloody newspaper she would've asked for could've stopping printing and she would've died of the stress! Anything could've happened. You just turned out to be at the wrong place and wrong time," James responded.
"No! Don't speak of her like that! Her spirit would be disturbed and there is no way I can atone for her death if she is kept bothered even in her afterlife!" I said.
"You're delirious! How can I believe what you've been saying if you sound literally crazy?!" he shouted.
"James, it hasn't been long since the incident...calm down. You know she wouldn't lie to us. You know this and you're still acting like she's ill," Padfoot coolly told.
"I believe her," Remus quietly murmured.
"Merlin..." James breathed out.
He rubbed at his eyes under his glasses. He couldn't believe me. I understand. I hope he does believe me at some point though.
"Fine, fine. This is all true. What are we going to do then?" he said.
"I don't know," I responded.
"You don't know? We're not going to find some way to save you? Not going to talk to someone about this?" he interrogated.
"There's nothing I can do. It's inevitable," I countered.
"Nothing is permanent. There always is a loophole. We're going to find it," he denied.
"Prongs! There is literally nothing! Whether Tom kills me or the broken spell does, I'm dead in the end. Why can't you accept it and just live with me so I don't waste my last several years in happiness?" I cried out.
A tear fell from my cheek and I didn't bother wiping it. I saw the bottom of my hair ends change to a baby blue and I inwardly groaned. This goddamn metamorphmagus. I wish I never was a strega mortale. I wish I never was born if I'm causing so much trouble for others.
"How can I accept that? You're one of few I care about, more than myself, and you're dying? I can't just sit here and allow you to just die," he replied.
"You have to! Life goes on! People die and leave in your life. I'll just be leaving sooner than you expected," I responded.
"You were supposed to go to my wedding, reach my 50th anniversary, experienced my first born. I was supposed to wait until you got your first job, when you bought your first home, retiring when you're in your 60s. And you're telling me, all of that is gone?" he begged.
"We just need to fast forward a bit, Prongs," I told sadly.
"Bloody hell.."
He stood from his seat, sliding the door open. He stepped out. I got up myself, going to chase after him. Sirius placed a hand on my sleeve, bringing me back down.
"Let him be. He needs time," he reassured.
-lana
ignore the fact that i cant math and rosanna magically surpassed 100 and ksjfkshs okay? ive always gotten a bad grade in math ahah