Gray. Gray is the only color that comes to mind as she stands by the window looking out into the streets like she did every morning religiously for the past few months.
The hot cup of coffee burning against her chest as she pressed it tightly to herself, but she barely winced at the feeling. How could she react to something she could not even feel?
She took a deep sigh and pulled the curtains, summoning darkness into her abode.
It had been three months since Nayeon died, yet it felt like it had happened just a second ago.
"Jennie Kim? Jennie Kim?" She had heard the doctor call out and shot out of her seat almost immediately.
She could tell. The guilt haunts her to this day that it was the first thing that she thought of, but she could tell.
She could tell that Nayeon did not make it, the tears were already bouncing off her shirt before Dr. Jimin could open his mouth.
"I'm sorry." Is all he said.
The first few weeks were the easiest. She spent most days and nights in tears as she arranged Nayeon's funeral.
Many people came to pay their condolences, she didn't even know Nayeon knew that many people.
Sorrow soon took a turn for the worse, depression. Pizza was breakfast, lunch and dinner. She quit work and resorted to not answering calls or emails, she basically shut herself out from the world as she dealt with the loss.
Joy and Wendy with the help of Mrs. Park had reached her just in time before she could head down a downward spiral and had gotten her the help she needed.
Therapy was painful at first. She had so much shame, so much guilt, so much regret, so much anger, it was almost impossible to recover.
Everyone knew what she had done, she was heavily pregnant for a woman because she wanted money.
She couldn't even save her sister in the end.
"What do you think is the biggest obstacle that you need to overcome in order to make progress?" Dr. Suga had asked her one day in a therapy session.
She had paused lengthily before saying. "Dr, I think I need to stop hating my unborn child."
Dr. Suga nodded, urging her to continue.
"I think I am so afraid of facing the fact that I failed Nayeon, that I am regretting my child. I feel as though if I wasn't pregnant with her then I would have been more of a sister to Nayeon. I would have been there to give her what actually mattered, the care, the companionship, even if just for a little while. I feel as though she was a mistake and I really do not want to feel that way about her." She'd broken down into tears.
But it wasn't her baby's fault she'd come to fully understand. She had made the choices independently, fully aware of the risks and costs. She had failed her sister all on her own.
"Nayeon, would never have blamed you." Joy had said to her one night when she paid her a visit.
"I know you can't see it now but someday you will. She would have been ultimately bewildered at the sacrifice you were making. A sacrifice that has somehow given you a second chance at happiness." Joy added.
They had all assumed she was not going to give her baby up.
Lisa
She'd left her thousands of voicemails and messages. She hadn't the will to respond.
Lisa was a reminder of one of the simultaneously best and worst mistakes she had ever made in her life.
Lisa thought she couldn't see her parked right opposite the street in some supposedly incognito car most nights. On days when she couldn't be there, Bambam would take her place.
Initially, she was very well maddened by it and tried all that she could to get her to leave but Lisa just found smarter ways around it.
She resorted to living her life as though Lisa never existed and for months they had no contact.
Until now.
"Why are you here?" Jennie asks quietly as she sets the cup down on a coffee table and takes a seat opposite Lisa.
Lisa looked weary, at least over a week's worth of stubble plastered across her jaws. Lisa had on a rumpled dress shirt and some basic denim jeans, her hair an utter mess.
For the first time, their looks complimented each other well.
"Jennie please, please don't shut me out any longer, I can't go on like this. It's been months."
Lisa was leaning forward and Jennie instinctively pulled back.
"Why are you here, Lisa?"
She asked again, their eyes locking like they used to. She could see so much pain, she could see defeat, surrender. She could see anything but the mighty woman she once knew.
"My dad died, Marco..." Lisa started and then paused hesitantly before taking a deep breath.
"Before I go on to explain anything, and I know this is going to sound like an absolute mess but to hell with it. This is me telling you everything in some pathetic attempt that you will find some shred of worth in me and give me a second chance to love you the way I should have."
"Enough, Lisa. I don't want to hear any of it" Jennie stands up and begins migrating toward the door prompting Lisa to swing over swiftly just in time to obstruct her.
"Please, listen to me. I beg of you, your attention is all that I ask for. I know you do not owe me anything, in fact, you owe me absolutely nothing, nothing at all!" Lisa goes on erratically.
This is the most unrefined, agitated state Jennie has ever seen her.
Lisa looked so... so not in control.
Jennie wants to listen to her, she wants to sit her down and hear all that is tearing her apart. For months Jennie has restrained herself but here she was, a shadow of the woman she once knew him to be. A woman whom she loved, whom she still loves and she can feel her control slipping away.
Jennie had blamed Lisa too for so long.
"Jennie, I have lost everything. Absolutely everything. But for once in my life, I have so much clarity. I had to lose everything to realize that I never cared about them in the first place. Yet, nothing has hurt like losing you."
"Lost everything? what do you mean lost everything?" Jennie's eyes wander around her face.
"Talk sense Lisa, what's wrong?"
"I love you Jennie, that's what's wrong, yet again that's the only thing that is right. I have been trying to hold on for months, trying to give you the space you need because I have caused you so much pain. I have tried to be strong knowing I may never see you again, knowing you may hate me forever but I can't do it any longer. I have to let you know that I am in love with you, in a way that makes the rest of the world vanish into oblivion. I am utterly and completely transformed by you, in a way that makes me feel as worthless as ever when I think of what you actually deserve. You are the strongest, bravest, most resilient woman I have ever met. I know I have made a mess out of everything, I know that it all started with me wanting a child in order to stake a claim on an inheritance from a man who turns out isn't even my father. I know I was selfish and I was dishonest but what I did not expect was to fall for you in the way I have."
"Lisa-" Jennie interjects, wiping her face with the back of her hand.
"No, please. Listen." Lisa pauses and then continues.
"We have both endured so much loss and pain in this. Mostly you, and I am asking for a chance to at least attempt to make it right with you. If there's any part of you that still feels what you used to feel, any part of you that still holds on to the hope of what we could be then please consider my humble request, and whatever your decision, I will respect it. Regardless of your decision, I will always love you and you will always have a home in my heart."
Lisa puts a hand in her pocket, knowing fully well she is taking the biggest risk of her life, but who better to risk it all for than for
Jennie Kim.
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Double update guys. Since I don't want to drag it longer and the chapters are a bit shorter. So, I am planning to post the last chapter tonight or later. I hope you enjoyed the story so far and a big thank you for all the support, votes, comments and even the silent readers.
Another thing, I wanted to adopt another story. It would be a shorter one. But no worries it has no angst in that one just totally fluff still Jenlisa and probably some smut. I'll post something about it tonight too.
Keep safe everyone. =)