| November 18th | Sunday Morning |
~ Sam's POV ~
Oh, God, my head... It was throbbing like I had been hit with a baseball bat. And the nausea... It took me everything I had to open my eyes as the morning light crept in through the hotel room curtains. Sweat clung to me as I came to the realization that I was still in my wrinkled button down and slacks from last night. I smelled like straight whiskey. God... what the hell-
That's when my hand reached inside my pocket for my phone but felt something I hadn't expected. I hesitantly pulled out the ring I had given Megan months ago. The sight of it sent me spiraling.
"Yeah." Blair emerged from the bathroom. "You messed up bad last night."
Much of last night was a blur. It was like bits and pieces were there, laid out in front of me like a disassembled puzzle waiting to be put back together. I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees and held my head in my hands, trying to remember what had happened. The only things that were severely burned into my brain was the exchange between me and my mom and... ending my engagement.
"Oh God..." I groaned as I stared down at the floor. "What did I do?"
"Are you asking because you genuinely don't remember?" Blair wondered while laying on her bed. "Or are you asking because you can't believe it?"
"I just..." I sighed. "I remember certain things... but I didn't mean for that to happen."
"Are you sure about that?"
I looked up, confused as to why my best friend would say that. She looked pretty fed up with me. The same look Megan had on her face last night. The burn of isolation surrounded me. I had really done it, hadn't I? I had successfully pushed away every single important person in my life.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"You knew what you were doing, Sam." Blair moved into a sitting position. "You knew drinking was a bad idea. You knew entertaining your mom last night was a bad idea. You knew it and yet, you still couldn't stop yourself from pushing everyone away. You literally couldn't stop sabotaging everything. You just... wouldn't stop."
I couldn't even look at her, because I knew deep down, she was right. I knew I shouldn't have done what I did. I shouldn't have drank last night. I shouldn't have started anything at the reception. I shouldn't have pushed Megan away. I shouldn't have said those things to her...
"I sent Tony to join everyone having breakfast downstairs." Blair sighed as she checked her phone. "And I ordered room service so we can talk about what the hell you're gonna do to fix this, because you will fix this, Sam."
"I don't think I can fix this," I mumbled to myself. "There's too much damage this time."
"No." Blair sat at the edge of the bed. "No, you're not giving up."
I felt the tears struggle to manifest on my waterline as I watched them fall to the floor and soak into the hotel room's carpet. There was too much damage. Megan would never forgive me. Shawn wouldn't forgive me. My parents were never going to understand... There was too much damage. I was too damaged.
Then there was a knock on the door. Blair stood from the bed to answer it, knowing it was probably room service. I realized I wasn't hungry.
"Shawn," Blair stated. "Now isn't the time-"
"She's my sister," I heard him say. "And we need to talk. Alone."
I couldn't look up. The embarrassment and the shame made my skin burn. He was probably here to tell me Megan was leaving and that he and Casey no longer wanted me to join in on the Thanksgiving celebration this Thursday. He was probably about to tell me that he no longer wanted to be a part of my life anymore...
His feet stood in front of me, but I still couldn't find the strength to look at him. I heard him sit on the bed.
"Sam, I..." he paused. There was a lull in his thoughts. I could feel it, like he was debating what he really wanted to say. "I almost didn't go to college, you know, because I was afraid to leave you."
The tears continued to come as I remained staring at the floor.
"I didn't want to move away because I saw how mom treated you," he continued. "I didn't want to leave because I saw dad slipping away to the bottle, and I knew things weren't good. But I always defended you, up until the day I left for college. And just because you didn't see it doesn't mean I didn't do it."
"I checked in on you every time I could," he said. "And when I graduated and got a job, I made sure to get a place with multiple rooms because I wanted you to live with me if things never got better. Obviously, they didn't, and you left mom and dad because I had a place for you. I've always been on your side. Always. And I wish I could've done more, but some things I couldn't do for you, like make them understand what you were going through..."
I finally looked up to see my brother staring at me. He wasn't mad? How was he not mad? I had pretty much ruined his reception. And how come he had never told me any of this? Why did he let me think for years that he was on mom and dad's side this entire time? Why hadn't he ever revealed this?
"Why aren't you mad at me?" I asked. "I ruined your wedding."
He laughed. "You didn't ruin anything, Sam. But last night I realized... you've never told mom and dad about the consequences their mistakes had on you. You've never been able to move on. You've just been running from it as fast as you could, and I've only enabled it instead of telling you what you really needed to hear."
"Which is what?"
"That I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry that I didn't do better with mom and dad. I'm sorry that I didn't encourage you to seek help the moment you were out of that house. I'm sorry that I was too busy to see how damaged you really were when you moved in with me. And I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't come to me when you really needed to."
Suddenly a wall cracked and shattered. Tears spilled from my eyes as I sobbed and gasped for air. The pain was a lot. It was strong and it filled my lungs and made me ache with a sadness I had never felt before. I felt Shawn sit next to me and wrap his arm around my shoulders.
"Let it out," he said.
"I-I'm s-sorry," I stuttered through the tears. "I never meant-"
"I know." His chin rested on my head as he hugged me. "I know you didn't mean for last night to happen the way it did. I know..."
That's when Blair emerged from outside of the hotel room with a tray of food. She set it down and walked over to where we sat as I attempted to control my crying, but I just couldn't. The tears were coming from this seemingly bottomless pit that was just filled with a sadness I had ignored for far too long. She sat at the edge of the bed.
"Casey left with Megan and your parents," Blair said to us. "They're going get their stuff to bring it to Shawn's house."
"I told mom and dad they could either stay here at the hotel or with me and Casey for the remainder of the week," Shawn revealed to me.
"I don't know what to do, Shawn..." I said. "I don't know how I'm gonna fix everything I broke last night."
My brother looked at Blair with a sad look, but I didn't know how to read it. Did they know something I didn't? Was there something they weren't telling me?
"Sam..." Shawn sighed. "I think...."
"Megan, uh..." Blair started. "She didn't..."
I revealed the ring that was in my pocket and showed my brother. I was unaware what Megan had told them this morning, but this would clarify any confusion he might have. He just stared at the ring.
"She's done," I confessed.
"No." Shawn closed my hand around the ring. "No, she's not. She just thinks you're done, Sam. So, really the question is, are you done?"
I looked up at my brother, and then my best friend who awaited an answer. Was I done? Is this how I wanted my life to be? Could I live with the idea of losing Megan forever? Knowing I would blame myself for the rest of my life? Could I do that?
"Listen..." Blair kneeled next to me. "Shawn and I are here for you, and I know you think that the fight is over, but it's not. Okay? The fight has just begun, and I think you want Megan standing by your side through it."
She was right and I knew it. I knew I would need every ounce of love my best friend, my brother, and the love of my life could possibly manage as I continued to wade through the damage I had caused. They were on my side. They always had been. But how the hell was I going to repair what I had demolished between Megan and I last night?
"Come on." Blair lifted me. "You need to eat and shower before you see Megan."
"But what do I say?" I panicked. "I don't know how to fix this."
"Sam, yes you do." Shawn stood. "You know what to do. You just don't know if Megan will accept your apology."
"What if she doesn't?" I asked.
Shawn and Blair stared at me, and finally my brother seemed to find the right words for me.
"Megan is my best friend," he said. "Sam, she's never once given up on you. The only reason she gave you back that ring is because she believes that's what you want. She doesn't wanna lose you. She just wants you to keep fighting."
He went for the door and rested his hand on the handle before looking back at me.
"So, keep fighting," he finished.
Then he was out the door.
* * *
After parting with Shawn and Blair, I knew that I was on my own again. Blair and Tony had a flight to catch back to Missouri, and Shawn and Casey needed to help our parents settle into their house. I had been sitting in my car for a good twenty minutes trying to think of the right things to say to Megan, but I was at a loss. An apology wouldn't be good enough. So, what would it be?
The anxiety I felt about confronting Megan was a lot, but there was something I had gained in that hotel room this morning. It almost felt like an extra layer of armor. Like talking to my best friend and receiving this... validation from my brother had somehow repaired, or maybe even replaced, my old, tattered layers.
And even though I still felt this vast emptiness, Shawn and Blair had managed to put me back together and make me feel whole.
I exited the safety of my car and allowed my shaky legs to bring me to the front door. My hand trembled against the doorknob as I opened it and took in a deep breath, angst and adrenaline rushing through my veins. My heart pounded against my chest as I stepped inside and searched for her, but she wasn't there.
After searching the kitchen and the living room, I determined that she must've been in our bedroom. The door was closed. My hand fell onto it, but I paused and listened. It was quiet on the other side. Was she asleep? Then, as I went to let myself in, the locked door kept me out.
The tears welled but I held them back.
"Megan..." I said through the door. "I..." Fuck, Sam. Get it together. "Please, open up."
It remained silent and still on the other side.
"What I did last night..." I pressed my head against the door. "What I said... I need you to let me explain-"
The door swung open only to reveal a teary-eyed, disheveled Megan. Strands of her dark hair clung to her face, indicating she had been crying. Her anger and pain were tangible. It radiated like heat from the sun. I stepped back in response.
"Explain what, Sam?" she fumed. "Explain how you constantly accused me of possibly cheating on you? Only for you to come out and tell me you almost cheated?!"
Her words cut me, but they were honest. Maybe that's why they hurt so much.
"You had me thinking everything was my fault. You let me believe that giving you space would do you some good, only for you to be lying to me?!" she shouted. "I don't know what you need from me anymore!"
My hands instinctively reached for hers. "Megan, please-"
"No!" She yanked away. "You don't get to do that right now. You don't get to touch me after weeks of pushing me away!"
I stepped back once again to give her space and try to see things from her perspective. She was right. I shouldn't coax her into forgiving me. I shouldn't play the victim card because I wasn't the victim. I had done this. I had sabotaged my relationship. I had fueled the fire, and this was a consequence. But I was panicking because I could see her slipping. I was watching the only woman I had ever loved slip away as I scrambled to find the right words.
Say something, Sam, or you are going to lose her...
You've already lost her. Just leave, already...
Look at her! Look at what you did to someone who has done nothing but care for you!
You're a disgrace!
You're a fuckup!
No.
You are not a disgrace...
You are not your trauma...
You are not you mistakes-
"Yes, I fucked up, Megan!" I blurted, silencing the swarm of voices in my head. "It's what I do. It's always been what I do when I feel backed into a corner. I sabotage everything I care about when I feel trapped. It's the only way I've ever known, because I never learned how to fight the right way. I never learned how to heal."
Megan seemed shocked as she finally allowed her eyes to look at me. The pain she felt... it sucked me in and attempted to drain every bit of strength I had. The look on her face was enough to make me want to leave again. I couldn't believe I had done this. I, Samantha Carson, had ruined Megan Adams.
I had become the abuser.
"But it's not an excuse," I continued. "My trauma doesn't excuse the way I've treated you. It doesn't justify my actions. My trauma is not your responsibility. My issues are not yours to fix. And I've thought, for years, that if I let you love me long enough, my pain would go away, but that's not how it works. So, if you want to leave, leave, because you don't deserve this. You never did."
I took a moment before continuing.
"But I'd also like the chance to explain everything," I finished. "I'd like the chance to fight, because I don't wanna lose you, Megan. I don't want this to be how we end."
She shook her head and looked away to wipe tears from her face. I wanted to wipe them for her but knew that was crossing a boundary. I felt helpless but full of things to say, if only she would hear me out. The fear of unloading threatened to paralyze me, because what if she refused to forgive me? What would that mean for me? What would that mean for my future? Could I really get through this life without her?
"Fine," she broke. "But I want to know everything."
I just nervously nodded my head in response.
Explaining the inner workings of my mind was difficult considering I had only begun to understand it a week or two ago. All my trauma was seemingly linked to memories and insecurities and instances that I had never revealed to Megan before, out of fear of scaring her. I had to start at the beginning, when the abuse really started, because glossing over that would only confuse her. She knew about certain things, but not the dark stuff, not the stuff that had permanently scarred me on the inside. The stuff I let no one see.
"I felt I deserved every bit of abuse I endured from my family, because deep down, I hated myself," I revealed. "And even though Dr. Dupree told me about this self-loathing I was experiencing, it wasn't until you told me that I was carrying this baggage that wasn't mine, that it finally clicked."
I continued to explain my fears thar Dr. Dupree had discovered during my therapy sessions, letting Megan know that fear of abandonment due to my parents ostracizing me had traveled over to our relationship. I was scared of her leaving. I feared disappointing her.
"I should've never lumped you into the same category as my parents, because you've always been there for me," I explained. "But when I found out about the Ava thing, and you hanging out with Ethan, without telling me... I thought you were trying to build a life away from me. I thought you were moving on, because I wasn't meeting you where you waited."
Megan just watched me in silence, hopefully absorbing everything I was saying. I hoped it resonated with her. I hoped she would understand. And I hoped she would forgive me for what I was about to reveal next.
"I almost kissed Jade," I said, feeling the burn of the words in my throat. "I initiated and she stopped me."
I watched Megan quickly comprehend that information and turn her face away from me. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she squeezed her eyes shut, attempting to stop them. My heart shuddered at the sight.
"I wanted to sabotage our relationship to give you an easy way out, if you wanted one, because I felt like you wanted one." I inhaled a shaky breath. "The pressure of everything going on, everything I was feeling... cheating seemed like the only control I did have."
"Do you still want to kiss Jade?" Megan wondered through her tears.
"No," I answered. "I never really wanted Jade. I just wanted to start over because I thought I had already ruined this. I mean, I still don't know if I haven't."
"I don't know either."
I tried not to let Megan see how that response hurt me.
"After that happened..." I started again. "I felt like I was time bomb. It killed me, and then my parents came in and the pressure just kept building up... Then I drank at the wedding. My dad was in my ear telling me shit I already knew, stoking the flames, and mom made that fucking comment..."
"She didn't mean it like you thought," Megan included.
"I know." I sighed. "I know that now, but I was drunk, and I couldn't read the room. Everything just bubbled and..."
"You broke," Megan finished.
I exhaled the breath I had been holding in an attempt to release the pressure that was building up as we spoke. It was a lot, talking about all of this.
"This morning, I realized I had been searching for this validation that I could never find," I revealed. "Shawn came talk to me, and we had this moment... He saw. He saw how mom and dad treated me when we were younger. He saw and he apologized... and I left that hotel room with this fulfillment that I've never felt before. The validation I had been craving for so damn long."
"I don't want you to feel like your love was never enough, because it was." I looked at Megan. "Its always been enough, but you were never gonna be able to heal the wounds my family caused. I just wish I could've realized that earlier, before I put you through all of this."
That's when she reached out and put her hand in mine. The warmth behind it – the love – it was all there. She was hurt. She was broken. So was I. This was a truce. Neutral ground. This was her possibly telling me "I'm still here, and I still want to stand next to you while you fight."
With my free hand, I reached inside my pocket and thumbed the ring. It felt like the right thing. It felt like I was thinking with my heart, and I was acting on my own, without the pressure of trying to do what was expected. This, what I was about to say next, was something Broken Sam would never say. This is something Broken Sam would absolutely fear.
I revealed the engagement ring and held it next to our conjoined hands, shaking with adrenaline.
"This ring, it doesn't just symbolize marriage to me," I whispered. "Not anymore."
Megan looked at me. "What else does it symbolize?"
"These rings..." I sighed. "They mean that from now on, I'm going to fight to become the person you want me to be. To become the person I was meant to be. It means no more secrets, no more lies, and that when shit starts getting hard, because this is a never-ending battle, you'll be the first to know because we're a team. It means that, if you accept, you'll stand next to me and understand that when I face my demons, you'll support my fight, but never ever take the burden, because it's not yours to shoulder. It's mine."
Megan looked confused, and I tried to understand why. It was true, everything I was saying, but maybe it confused her because she had never heard me talk like this. These were words that old Sam, Broken Sam, would never say. Hell, even I was a bit shocked at the words coming out of my mouth.
"I know," I included. "I can't believe I just said that either, but I see things differently now."
"I guess rock bottom can do that to you," Megan answered.
"I guess so."
I stared down at the ring that still sat in my free hand that rested next to our joined ones. I understood that what I had just asked her was a loaded question. She seemed a bit overwhelmed and confused on what to say, which was understandable.
So, I placed the ring in her open palm.
"You don't have to answer right now," I forced. "Think on it, because I know you're still unsure about forgiving me for everything I did. I know I hurt you deeply, Megan, I do, and I'm so sorry."
She just nodded and closed her hand around the ring, letting me know she had accepted my white flag. There was a lot of rebuilding to be done, and if we could get through it, which I would pray for every night, then maybe, just maybe, we could come out stronger.
Maybe, if she forgave me, we could come out unbreakable.
***A/N***
Whew. That took a lot to write. I hope it measured up to your expectations. I literally slaved over it. And as promised, I gave Segan the break they needed. Now, after the tragedy, we heal!
Hope everyone is staying safe and healthy! And thank you to everyone wishing me well, I truly appreciate it!
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Be Proud. Stay You.
Lauryn