Jesse and I stare at each other. I've remained on the floor after I fell. Jesse remained in the doorway. Neither of us talked to each other.
After awhile, Jesse shuffled his foot along the floor, suffocated by the tense atmosphere.
"Wanna go for a walk?" Jesse asked, pointing outside where it was starting to get dark. I merely peered outside. Just to look at it. That was it.
Without answering him, I speed walk into the locker room. When the door closes, I slam myself up against the door. My heart was hammering in my chest and my mind felt all fuzzy. If I was able to answer him about anything, it would've taken a miracle. My breathing was erratic from holding it for so long. I froze! I froze... in front of Jesse... after three months and a few weeks without seeing him...
God, I really am pathetic. I had meant nothing to him while I was acting like this just because he showed up! But why was he here? Well, I guess I would have to walk with him to find that out. What if he actually did like me? Or... What if he just needed time to make Rachel jealous again? My face dropped at that thought.
Shaking my head, I removed myself from the door and made my way over to my locker in the girls section of the room. I barley changed but rather put on some sweats and a sweatshirt. I stood in front of the door that entered the studio. I had to remember to control my breathing. Just like with dance! I had to remain calm and passive to whatever he said. It was the only way I could get through this without spiraling and starting my moping all over again. I could not do that.
When I exited the locker room, I entered the room to see I was empty. I was heavily confused. Did I hit my head when I fell? Was Jesse ever really here? Crap, was I experiencing some Bella Swan in New Moon stuff where she would randomly see Edward? Have I really fallen that deep into the pit of the pathetic and weak??
Was I officially going insane?
Just to make sure, I peek my head outside the studio and sure enough (much to my freakin relief! But not for the reasons you're thinking! Just reassured I haven't had a break yet...) Jesse was walking away, only a little bit down the hall.
"You leaving?" I finally manage to speak. To his back. Jesse immediately stops. He turns around and faces me, a hurt and confused expression on his face. "You did want to walk, didn't you?" I ask. I watch as Jesse stuffs his hands in his pockets before he makes his way back over to the studio door. I fully walk out and lock the door behind me. I can get my stuff later.
"She speaks," Jesse says, trying to tease me and make a little joke. He laughs a little but I don't join him. An action that stops his own laughter. We stand there, not walking in any direction as of yet. "So, uh, what way do you want to walk? You know this campus a lot better then I do." Jesse says.
I scoff and walk a little to the left, shaking my head in the process. Jesse walks behind me a bit and sighs as he realizes that wasn't the best thing to say at the moment.
We start walking through campus and the atmosphere is entirely suffocating. I don't really have much to say. He was the one who came here and he was the one who asked to go for a walk! He should be the one who has to talk first.
The crickets chirp, the air wisps around us. I stuff my hands into my sweatshirt, becoming even more withdrawn from this whole situation.
I quickly try and get a few glances at Jesse, wondering what he was doing or thinking. I hadn't seen in for... awhile. Yet somehow he looked different but the same at the same time. He looked more put together. He wore his own sweatshirt that he was buried in. He kept glancing around the campus as if it had changed since he left. Nothing had changed.
As we kept on walking I could tell Jesse was getting more agitated. We kind of kept walking the same large circle through part of the campus. He started fidgeting with his hands, glancing at our surroundings more.
"Come on!" Jesse suddenly shouted within the silence. I stumble back, staring at him wide-eyed, my hands still in my sweatshirt. My eyes scatter around us, the shock of his outburst getting to me, I eventually meet his gaze.
"W-what?" I stutter, genuinely confused. Jesse throws his hands in the air.
"Argue with me!-
"About what?" I ask calmly.
"Yell at me for something!-
"Why would I do that?" I ask, my voice small and concerned.
"Raise your voice like you always do when we argue! Or do that cute little voice you do when you're clearly trying not to yell at me! Just do, or say... something!" Jesse shouts, effectively shutting me up. Probably the opposite of what he wanted. I look around awkwardly, jesses intense stare a little much for me at the moment.
"I... I don't have anything to say Jesse. I think everything was said back in Lima." I express carefully. I guess he wasn't as put together as he seemed. Jesse shakes his head fiercely.
"No- No! So much wasn't said in Lima-"
"Well not by me!" I shout. I quickly put my hand over my mouth. I subconsciously promised myself not to do this. Not to feed into this. Jesses eyes lighted up before he realized what I said.
"That's true. I- I didn't get to say anything- to explain! Which I really needed to do." Jesse nods.
"And it took you three months to realize this?" I snap. Jesse sighs.
"I needed to figure my life out-"
"So you mean Rachel didn't go for you and you had to get over that. You thought I would just be here- waiting for you?" I ask, jumping to conclusions. Again.
"Can you stop that!" Jesse shouts. "I'm trying to explain, but you putting words in my mouth has just made everything worse," Jesse snaps. We stare at each other for a moment before I nod softly. Jesse releases a sigh of relief. "I needed to figure out what to do with my life. I got a job... I'm coaching vocal adrenaline," Jesse announces, gaging my reaction. My eyes widen for a moment, not expecting that. "Then I got some money, got my own apartment. I think I'm actually in a good place now." Jesse announces, still not explaining why he was here.
"Well that's really good, Jesse. I'm happy for you. I don't understand what this has to do with me or why you're here." I say bluntly. Jesse takes a few steps closer to me.
"I didn't see Rachel. I didn't go after her... I don't want her, even if I could have her. Both of our hearts belong to other people." Jesse admits. I shake my head, taking a step back.
"No... you chose her, Jesse! You stayed in Lima and you left me. You didn't contact me! Nothing! I'm not gonna be a second choice." I finally give in, shouting out him- spitting the words at him. Trying to get him to admit the fact and engrain it in his head so he lets me be and move on!
"I had had feelings for both of you! It wasn't Rachel over you Madi! It was me being confused and I was trying to figure out how I had fallen for you and Rachel-"
"But you can't! You can't love Rachel and love me at the same time! Someone always comes out on top!" I shout at him. He tries walking up to me but I just back further away.
"Well I'm here aren't I?! I didn't go back and try and win over Rachel! I'm here! I am here in LA! I am here to see you because I want you! I love you!" Jesse shouts loudly.
"Well I don't want you!" I shout back twice as loud. "I don't- I don't love you!" I stutter, keeping my voice at that shouting level.
"Then why did you call me?!" Jesse interrupted before I could say anymore damaging words. My whole world instantly shut down around me. When... when did I do that?!
"W-what?" I manage to croak out. Jesse sighs, looking away from me for a moment.
"It was like... two weeks ago. You called, talking about how you missed me. How you just wanted us back. Well, I want that too. I need you in my life, Madi. I care about you and I'm not going to let you slip by again. I've made that mistake too many times. I'm in it for the long haul." Jesse rants, ending with a shrug of his shoulders. My throat classes up and I feel like I'm gonna pass out.
I- I called him. While I was drunk... at the club... It seems I wanted him even when I don't want him! Well, drunk words equal sober thoughts, right? I finally internally collect myself. I manage to look up from the ground to a very patient Jesse who just kept staring at me intently.
"I- I can't be with you," I start. Jesse instantly deflates. "I just don't trust what you say. I cant just be with you when I don't entirely trust what you're saying," Jesse looked like he was going to say something. Nope! "And you can't blame me! You've messed up... a lot."
"I can admit to that." Jesses murmurs apologetically.
"I need to learn to trust you, again, if I ever even did. We need to build a real friendship before... anything more can be talked about." I state slowly. I look at Jesse deeply.
"I can agree to that... Because I told you, Madi. I'm not just in this till someone else comes along, I am in this. For the long haul." Jesse nods, a familiar grin growing on his face.
What... have I done...