How is it that when you want time to pass by it seems to take years, and when you're dreading something it takes only seconds?
The Grammys were today, in only a few hours, and I could already feel the knot of anxiety writhing in my stomach.
I had managed to pick out an outfit, a yellow suit with a lilac laced tie. It was outrageous, but simultaneously, in my opinion, beautiful. That's usually the route I like to go in - slightly feminine and also slightly hideous. It makes for a great mix.
As I studied the suit in my mirror I could feel the tips of my fingers begin to shake. Even after a few shots of whisky the nerves were relentless. I couldn't tell if my tolerance was that high, or if the anticipation of tonight was just that alarming.
Regardless, it was impossible to ignore. A part of me was ecstatic - I was nominated for my
first Grammy, after all - and the other part of me was terrified. There wasn't a certain name for the way I was feeling, a category that this emotion could fall under. It was indescribable, unimaginable. And it was relentless.
"Okay, Harry," I breathed out to myself. "You can do this. Don't be a pussy."
I scoffed manically into my own reflection, becoming aware of the pathetic situation I was in. I wasn't one to push my emotions away, but maybe this time could be an exception.
Maybe, this time, I could do what so many others had done at my expense. It couldn't be that heard, right? And if there ever was a moment to lock it all up, this seemed to be the perfect fit.
I could do this. I have to do this. I can't live my life in the unknown.
"Fuck." I muttered to myself before turning from my own reflection, and beginning the awful night.
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"Here, Harry!"
"To the right!"
"Love the suit!"
Red carpets had always been exhausting, but unaccompanied by anyone else in the lime light, the attention you received by photographers was almost too much to handle.
It was the snapping of the cameras, the wince of the flash, the constant command of direction. It was all too much.
But then again, it was just another part of the lifestyle I'd chosen to live. So I smiled and posed as the masses directed, putting on the show that was bound to be plastered all over social media before the nights end.
Sometimes, it was flattering. Other times, it was suffocating.
As my time with the photographers ended, I walked off the platform to join the other guests on the more congested side of the carpet.
I'd been in this industry for years, have had the opportunity of meeting hundreds of amazing celebrities, but seeing them all together still has the same affect on me as it always has.
There were people I looked up to here, people I knew, and people I'd always wanted the chance to know.
"Harry, mate! You made it!"
The glare from the flashes has nearly blinded me, and if it hasn't been for the pungent Irish accent, I might never have been able to guess who was standing in front of me.
"Niall!"
Without a moment of hesitation, we pulled eachother into a hug, a smile plastered on both of our faces.
Niall was older now, more refined and built. Almost nothing like the scrawny blonde more I had met almost a decade ago.
"Fancy outfit, mate." He smiled as he pulled away, examining my suit.
"You don't look so rough yourself, Horan."
He had on white trousers, a white blazer and a white beater underneath, cutting the fan one said his outfit with a little personality. Niall has always been humble, never one to flaunt what he had.
"So," he said, looking around, "this stuff is still kinda crazy, right? I thought after all these years I'd be used to this life, but I'm still kind of in awe."
"Honestly, I don't think I'll ever get used to this."
Niall nodded thoughtfully as we both scanned the area, absently head nodding to those we knew.
"Well," he exclaimed, "are you excited?"
Excited wasn't exactly the word I was thinking of.
"Excited?"
"Yes, Harry, excited! I mean, you're nominated tonight, how sick is that?"
Oh.
"Oh, yes of course. I doubt I'll win it but it's still definitely an honor."
"Oh please," he rolled his eyes dramatically, "you've got it in the bag, mate, everyone thinks so."
This sent a rushing blood to your cheeks as your heart beat escalated at the thought of actually winning a Grammy. It was wonderful, but also nerve wracking.
"Well I hope. But actually, I'm feeling quite...nervous."
I have Niall a look that only he could read and the Irish boy sighed, almost hesitant to plunge in this conversation.
"He knows you'll be here."
I turned to Niall, a skeptical expression on my face. It wasn't as if I expected him not to know, we were in the same industry after all. It's just...the fact that he made it a point to know, said the words out loud...that's what struck me as interesting.
"How so?" I questioned Niall, trying to keep my true curiosity at bay.
"Well," he responded frankly, "I told him. He new you were nominated, but I told him we'd have to catch up with you while we're here."
My eyes widened.
"And?"
"And," Niall chuckled as he spoke, "he said he agrees."
"Oh."
I wondered if he had only agreed to "catch up" with me for the sake of being polite.
"Oh," Niall said, looking over my shoulder, "there he is now, actually. Lou!"
The blood in my veins turned to ice as my head whipped around to spot him. He was there, just as I had been moments before, incapsulated by the flash of the camera.
Unlike me, however, he wasn't alone. A tall, lanky brunette stand beside him, his arm draped over her broad shoulders.
"Louis!"
Niall has his hands over his mouth now, calling louder. I nudged him, but he ignored me.
And then, it happened.
I saw Louis turn, half heartedly, unaware at first who was calling to him. Then, as his eyes rested on Niall, a humble smile spread across his small lips. For a moment, I could swear his eyes rested on me, a corner of his mouth twitching only a centimeter.
The moment ended as fast as it had begun, and louis's attention turned back to the photographers, now pulling Eleanor in and kissing her cheek.
My stomach churned, threatening to burst. It felt like my heart was doing gymnastics in the cavity of my chest.
So much for keeping it all in, right?
"Not so hard, right?"
I turned to Niall, an expression of disbelief on my face. I loved the man, I really did, but sometimes he was absolutely oblivious.
I sighed.
"I'll see you inside, yeah?"
Niall nodded, his smile fading just a bit.
"See you inside."
As i turned to leave, Eleanor and Louis began approaching Niall, and a part of me wanted to stay.
Part of me wanted to plaster a smile to my lips, say my hellos and look for any sign of emotion with in him.
But that part of me was too scared.