| November 9th | Friday Night |
~ Sam's POV ~
After the night that I had found out Megan had been with Ethan, and our fight, there had been a major shift between us. A shift that felt irreparable. I felt guilty. I felt dirty. I felt there were things I could've done different and things I shouldn't have said. I felt like drinking that night was a bad move, and that I had opened myself back up to my addictive ways. There were so many things I wished I would've done instead, but there was no going back.
I could barely look at Megan without feeling the burn of guilt. Her invisible wounds were visible to me. I had done that. I had pushed her away. I had let my anxiety and abusive past overcome me, and now I could never take it back. In a way, her confiding in Ethan was my fault anyway, because I wasn't letting her confide in me. I was weak, and I would never be enough.
Work tonight had been rough, and I needed to wind down before I went home. That, on top of me avoiding Megan, ended up with the desire to head over to the bar across the street from Crossroads and have a few beers. But when I walked in, I hadn't been expecting to see Jade at the bar by herself.
Should I join her? It would be weird if I didn't. Then again, after everything that was going on, I knew I probably shouldn't. Yet, I found myself taking the seat next to her.
"Are you stalking me now?" she wondered.
"No." I ordered a beer. "But I guess we had the same idea after our shit night at work."
"Jesus, we got our asses handed to us," Jade complained.
"At least you made some money."
"Yeah, I'll rub that one in Ty's face."
I laughed. "Hey, it's not his fault he's sick."
"I know. I just like to mess with him."
There was a lull in the conversation, and our shoulders touched when we both went for our beers. A familiar tension filled the air around us, but neither of us moved away from the other. Then, out of nowhere, Jade took in a deep breath.
"You should tell Megan to come and meet us," she suggested.
A part of me figured this was her way of deflecting the obvious tension, then another part of me wondered if she was bringing Megan up in hopes that I started talking about my seemingly crumbled relationship. At least, it sure felt that way right about now.
"She's asleep," I claimed, although I was uncertain.
I just know she hadn't texted me back.
Another pause in conversation made me caress my beer in hopes that Jade continued. If it was quiet for too long, I got into my head, and I really didn't want that to happen tonight.
"How have things been?" she finally asked. "Between you two?"
I watched the condensation roll down my beer glass as I contemplated an adjective to describe what it felt like between Megan and me. It was hard because I felt that there were a million words, but there was one that stuck out like a sore thumb, especially after our latest fight.
"Quiet," I answered. "We barely talk, and by talk, I mean meaningful conversation other than what we want for dinner or who's turn it is to take Charlie out for a walk."
Jade made a sound, but I wasn't sure if it was a good or bad reaction. She tended to try and be neutral when talking about things like this, and I knew it was her desire to avoid drama. I couldn't blame her for that. I hated that I was trapped in this whirlwind of a mess myself.
"She doesn't talk about school anymore," I continued. "She doesn't talk about our wedding. She doesn't talk about anything but the present day. As if she's expecting me to leave any second, and it fucking kills me."
I stared at the ring that sat on my finger and wondered if I could be strong enough to keep it on for the rest of my life. Dr. Dupree and I had made even more progress during my session this past Monday after analyzing what had happened last weekend between us. We had also identified my fears and how we could defeat them, but would it all be for nothing anyway? Was it too late?
"Maybe..." Jade sighed. "Maybe she's waiting for you to initiate. Maybe she's scared to trigger you, again. There's so many maybe's, Sam."
I finished my beer and ordered another along with a shot, knowing I shouldn't be doing this, but figured what the hell. Sometimes drunk talking about my problems helped me sort them out. Or, at least that's what I'd like to believe. Who the hell knew if it were actually true?
I took the shot and chased it with my beer. The sting of alcohol made my body buzz with a warmth I had been lacking lately. It felt good, and I knew that was bad, but it honestly felt like the end. Like I could see it coming from a mile away, and I wasn't going to be fast or strong enough to stop it.
"I just wish time could stop for one fucking second so I could figure this out," I blurted.
"Don't we all?" Jade included, finishing her beer with a large sip.
We continued to drink and talk about other things not pertaining to my issues and I found myself grateful that I could have meaningful conversation with Jade. Thinking of where we started and where we were now was nice. Sometimes, it was hard to believe that she had hated me at one point.
"So, I think I'm gonna do it," Jade said. "I'm gonna move to California."
"Yeah?" I teased. "It doesn't sound like it was a hard decision."
She laughed and I hated to admit it, but it lit up my chest. We were both tipsy, me maybe a little more than her, but things were nice and light.
"Yeah, sorry not sorry, Florida."
"Well, then when's the big day?" I asked, wondering deep down if she was really going to or not.
"I booked my flight for January first."
January? January? That was two months away. Suddenly, I was sad, and I didn't know how to feel about being sad. Of course, she was my friend, so it was normal, but this feeling that I had... it wasn't normal. It was something else.
"That's uh..." I tried not to show my disappointment. "That's great. That's really soon."
"Yeah, I know but hey, I can't stand it anymore. I gotta go. I need something new. A place where I can start over on my own terms," she explained excitedly. "And I have a friend that said I could crash on her couch until I can get into my own place... It's gonna be great."
"Yeah," I agreed sadly.
I knew what she meant. I thought I had wanted that too, with Megan here in Florida, but now things felt so different. Things felt wrong and broken. I felt so wrong and broken. This is was what I wanted, right? Or did I want something else? Maybe a spontaneous move to California...
No, dammit, I internally cursed. Stop.
We finished our round of beers and decided it was late enough and we needed to go home. Megan and I were meeting Shawn and Casey tomorrow for lunch at their place and then I had work after. It was going to be a long day.
I walked side-by-side with Jade as we made our way back to our cars, knowing we would see each other in about twelve hours again anyway. We had parked next to each other, so as Jade leaned against her car, I did the same against mine, preparing to say goodbye.
"When are you gonna take me for a ride in that fine ass car?" she joked.
"Whenever you want," I answered as I pulled my jacket tighter against my body.
Her eyes found mine and there was a moment like the one we had over a month ago. The moment that I had been thinking about ever since, trying to figure it out, and why it had happened in the first place. The random urge to kiss her was back.
"It's gotta be soon though," I included. "Since you're leaving."
There was a look in her eyes, and I swore that she was saying "then come with me", but I knew better. Jade wasn't the one to think things like that. It was just my brain fucking with me, putting more screwed up thoughts in my head for me to chew on, coaxing me to sabotage myself.
"You and Megan can come and visit."
"It's gonna suck when you leave."
Both comments came out simultaneously and we both just stared at each other. I had stepped forward and was now close enough to Jade to feel her body heat. Her eyes were staring at my lips, and mine at hers. Both of my hands were squeezed into fists in my jacket pockets as I tried to rationalize with myself, but I couldn't. Was I really doing this? Was she going to let me? Did she want to?
Then I leaned in, closed my eyes, and tried not to picture the consequences.
But a hand on my chest stopped me. My eyes opened to see Jade literally inches from my face. Her eyes were still closed, but that didn't prevent a small droplet of water from exposing itself on her cheek.
"I can't," she whispered. "I'm sorry, but I can't let you do this."
I pulled back enough to give her breathing space.
"You're self-sabotaging," she continued. "I know, because... I do it when I'm hurting, too."
I leaned back against my car but didn't make any sudden movements to leave. It was mostly from shock, because I couldn't believe this almost happened, and it would've if not for Jade. That was the shittiest part about it all.
"This could ruin your relationship." Jade's voice trembled. "This could ruin a lot, and I can't let you do to Megan what my ex did to me. I can't let you screw it up only for you and her to break up, and Megan be left alone here, wondering how the hell she's gonna pick up the pieces."
"You love her," Jade continued. "I see it in your face, regardless of what you're feeling right now. I see it when you talk about her. You're in love with Megan, Sam. So, don't fuck that up for someone like me."
Then she got into her car and left, and my heart seemed to shatter into a million pieces. Not because of the rejection, but because of the truth that lied within what she had said. She was right, and I would've completely screwed up if she hadn't stopped me. I quickly climbed into my car and peeled out of the parking lot.
And suddenly, I began to sob.
* * *
As we drove in silence to my brother's house, I couldn't help but feel the negative tension filling the car. Megan was reading something on her phone, which was apparently really interesting considering her attention was unwavering. I didn't mind the silence, because it meant no way of falling into an argument.
Last night... I had fucked up. Bad. Even though I technically hadn't cheated, even thinking of it was the same to me. Besides, if Jade hadn't stopped me, I probably would've kissed her. There was this filth I couldn't remove, like no matter how much I bathed, the dirt just stuck. I was afraid the guilt I felt was written on my face permanently, and it was just a matter of time before Megan took notice.
We arrived and were greeted promptly by my brother while Casey remained in the kitchen, looking busy with finishing up lunch. It had been awhile since I had talked to my brother, and I wished he weren't so overwhelmed with work and the wedding. Maybe, I could've confided in him.
"Hello," Shawn greeted Megan first with a hug, and then looked at me. "Hey Sam."
"Hey," I answered.
"Lunch is almost ready," he stated. "Do either of you want a drink?"
"No thanks," Megan declined.
"What do you have?" I wondered.
"Sam," Megan disagreed.
"One drink won't hurt," I defended.
She didn't press any further on the matter, especially after the look Shawn gave us. As much as I probably shouldn't drink, especially after the other night, I couldn't help myself.
Casey served lunch and we gathered around the table. I knew there was a point to this meeting, and as much as I was excited for Shawn to get married, I knew what it would require of me. And after everything I've been going through recently, I wasn't sure if I should express my distaste for the projected plans.
"Okay, so mom and dad will be flying in next Friday," Shawn stated. "Sam, are you still okay to pick them up from the airport and housing them Friday night?"
"Yeah," I agreed hollowly.
"Awesome." Shawn gave his fiancée a reassuring smile. "And since you're best-woman, I'll need you at the venue slightly earlier than everyone else."
"What time then, chief?" I asked.
"Ceremony is at 5:45, so... 2:00 o'clock sharp?"
"Sure."
I knew next weekend was about to be seriously overwhelming, but I tried not to freak out. My brother was already stressed enough as it is. There was no need to express my uncertainty of my parents staying with me. But I wasn't sure what would happen prior to the months of therapy of trying to fix what they had damaged so many years ago. I was afraid.
Lunch went smoothly as we ran through the plans of how the week of their wedding would go. We were all also invited to Casey's family's Thanksgiving celebration the following Thursday after the wedding. So that added a decent amount of stress on top of the fact that mom and dad would be staying in Florida for an entire week. This obviously meant a lot of time together.
As Megan and I were leaving, I was relieved to know I had managed not to alarm my very observant brother. He hadn't cornered me at all about my strange mood or the tension between me and my fiancée. I hugged Casey bye before I made it over to Shawn.
"See you next week," I dismissed.
"Hey, wait, a gotta show you something before you go," Shawn claimed, guiding me away from Casey and Megan. Once we were alone, I looked at him.
"What do you need to show me?" I asked.
"What's going on between you and Megan?" he asked.
"N-Nothing..." I stammered. I should've known better. "Why?"
"Something just seems... off. I don't know." He shrugged. "Hey, look, are you sure you're okay with mom and dad staying with you Friday? I sensed hesitation."
"It's fine, Shawn," I agreed. "Seriously. Don't stress."
"Alright. If you say so..."
"I gotta go," I attempted to depart again. "I got work in an hour."
We said our goodbyes one more time and got back into the car. I really hated the feeling of lying to everyone, but I just really didn't want to screw up next weekend. I already felt like I was demolishing my relationship.
It wasn't until after a few minutes of silence that Megan decided to break it.
"You know," Megan started. "I can tell you're nervous about your parents."
I continued to drive in silence, unsure of what to say back.
"I know you don't want to talk about therapy with me," Megan continued. "I know that you have trust issues. I know I screwed up by not telling you about having dinner with Ethan and the whole adoption thing. And I know you're struggling to forgive me."
All I could do was shake my head. I wanted to believe I had forgiven Megan for that night because what I had almost done was way worse. What I was doing was worse. But I hadn't fully forgiven her. Yet, that didn't mask the fact that she still deserved the truth. As much as I wanted to tell her, I was deathly afraid of what might happen. The fear or losing her forced tears to my water line. I hoped she couldn't see.
"I went to therapy after Lacey died," Megan confessed. "And it took me a long time to identify what was holding me back, but it was because I was holding on to this baggage that wasn't even mine."
I just listened to her voice and tried not to let the tears flow.
"I blamed myself for her death, you know that, and it took me a long time to forgive her and myself." Megan then faced me. "Sam, you're holding on to this baggage that your parents placed on your shoulders as a child, and it's time to let it go."
I had heard this already from my therapist but hearing it from Megan only made it harder. I was trying. I was trying to kill those voices that told me I wasn't good enough. I was trying to forgive my parents. I was trying to forgive myself for being the horrible human I was for such a long time, and all those people I hurt.
And I was trying to let go, but I just... couldn't.
We pulled up to the house and I refused to get out of my car. I still had some time before my shift, and if I left now, I would be early, but I didn't want to go inside. I didn't want the possibility of continuing this conversation. It literally felt impossible.
"I love you, Sam." Megan looked at me from the passenger. "And I will always love you. But if you can't let go of this pain so you can finally heal..." She hesitated. "We will never be on the same page."
It was a coded ultimatum of a sort. I knew what she was telling me. That if I couldn't find the will to forgive my past and move on, away from my damaged youth, I would never be able to meet her where she waited. I knew this, but her comment only solidified my fear.
All I could do was nod as I suppressed my tears long enough for Megan to climb out of my car. Then, I pulled away from my house and had to force myself not to keep driving until I couldn't anymore.
***A/N***
Even though Segan is going through a rough patch, I hope the extra updates are keeping everyone in high spirits. Things are tense around the world right now, so let's be there for one another. Stay safe and healthy!
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Lauryn