Warning: drug abuse
addiction
/əˈdɪkʃ(ə)n/
noun
noun: addiction; plural noun: addictions
the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity.
"She blamed the recent adultery on her ever present drug addiction."
I really had to fight the urge to smile when Nikki's hand landed onto my thigh, and he started to gently rub it underneath the table--smirking at me when he noticed how flustered it was causing me to get.
"Last one tonight. How're we feeling about going home?" Tommy inquired, taking a sip from his strawberry milkshake.
"Technically, last night was our 'last one'" Nikki replied smartly and I started to roll my eyes when he kept talking "tonight, we're just here to watch Oz and his guys. But, I think I'm gonna miss touring for a little while--at least we're gonna be back on the road next month--"
My brows furrowed and I looked at Nikki who was just staring at me, and Tommy nodded with a smile "--I'm sorry?"
"What? You didn't--you didn't know?"
"No..." I said slowly, looking to Nikki while my lips started to contort "what're the plans then?"
"Well, when we get back--dude" we both shot our glares at Tommy who was just finishing his drink, slurping ridiculously loud in an attempt to collect every last remnant.
"Oh, sorry" he rubbed the milkshake from his mouth, smiling awkwardly "carry on."
"What I was saying was, when we get back we have like a month at home, before we head off on the US leg of the Shout tour--then we come home for Christmas."
I nodded, smiling "and after that?"
"After that, I think, it's May through November..." he trailed off, avoiding eye contact with me. But I quickly caught on.
My hand was quick to cup his chin as he turned away, forcing him to look down at me as I fluttered my lashes "and..." I looked at him expectantly because I knew that there was more to what he was telling me.
He pursed his lips before sighing out, "after we get back, Doc wants us to make a start on writing for the new album--but we'll probably get some done while we're away."
"Do you really think that you're gonna be writing songs when you're touring? Look at you now" I gestured to him, how his eyes were droopy and his hair was flat to his head, hardly looking as lively as what he could've been. "Babe, we're out all night every night. I can't remember the last time you drank something that wasn't a spirit, and you're always tired out from playing every night...just go easy on yourself--you'll have enough time to write when we get home."
"She's right, man. Let's just wait until we get home to make a start on the new album" Tommy smiled at me and I gave him a little nod, noticing the way that Nikki just stared at the two of us.
I really thought that he knew about us, and whenever it was just me, Nikki and Tommy, I was constantly on pins. I never knew what would come up and, under the influence of any substance,we were all different people...Tommy and I were both carefree when fucked up, oversharing and whatnot, and Nikki was just the biggest jerk ever...and a little scary, too.
But that day, when we left the diner and headed back to the hotel, was pretty nice.
Before we had left to get something to eat, Vince burst through the door to let us know that Beth was "ready to push", and that he was getting live updates from her mom--which was surprising, seeing as that woman loathed him with every fiber of her being and swore that, as long as she lived, Vince would never get the satisfaction of knowing her grandchild.
I quickly pulled on my dress as Nikki fiddled with the laces on his pants, both of us rushing because we had heard Tommy and Vince outside with Mick, and weren't too keen on any of them seeing us in the state that we were in.
"Hey" Vince poked his head around the door just as Nikki got to it, breathing a sigh of relief to see us both decent "guess who's a dad again..."
A tear immediately escaped my eye and I headed over to him, smiling softly and pecking his cheek while he wrapped me up in his arms, sniffling into my shoulder.
"I'm so happy for you, Vince. Congratulations sweetie."
When I pulled away, Nikki wrapped an arm around me and kissed the top of my head as my eyes still flooded with happy tears. "Did you guys name her yet?"
"Yep" Vince smiled down at me, sniffling a bit "Elizabeth. Or Elle for short."
"Oh, that's so beautiful" I pouted and looked to Nikki, noticing him smile, and then straight back to Vince. "I can't wait to meet her."
"You and me both, Chris. You and me both."
It was such a bittersweet moment, Beth and Vince having their daughter, because we all knew how Vince really felt about the mother of his child...but it was so lovely to see the way he was reacting, how happy he was that a new life had been brought into the world, how his little girl was happy and healthy at home with her mom.
A few hours of Vince gushing about the baby, talking to Beth, and drinking whatever we had in the hotel room, passed by fairly quickly, and we all decided to head out to 'celebrate' the birth of his daughter--but, we all knew that was just an excuse to get completely obliterated. And, as always, I had absolutely no problem with that.
Nikki passed out a bill to the each of us with a grin, motioning to the table that was littered with lines upon lines of cocaine. "Knock yourselves out."
"We probably will" I furrowed my brows before licking my lips, concentrating on lining up the dollar bill with the smack in front of me "this load could probably take out an elephant--"
"--and that's the whole point. To get massively fucked up" he smiled down at me and I just nodded.
Tommy glanced at me and mouthed "you don't need to do that" but I shook my head, trying to go unnoticed by Nikki. But that, as expected, failed.
"Babe, are you good?" He questioned but I just hummed in response, avoiding eye contact.
My smile was hardly convincing and the way my hands were shaking as I leaned over, probably gave away that I was not, in fact, 'good.'
Nikki and Tommy got up to go and get another round in, while Mick trailed outside, going for a smoke and most likely heading back to the hotel early because he couldn't stand being around us for too long.
"Dude" Vince started while laughing to himself "I know I'm already a dad, but fuck. I really can't wait to get home to her."
I was, once again, taken aback, and found myself smiling like an idiot when he gushed about the baby. "That's so sweet, I never really pinned you down as the 'fatherly' kind."
"I think that because I had Neil when I was so young, I've always kinda wanted to be a dad again" he shrugged, taking another hit.
I thought about that for a second and kept smiling, finding it so fucking satisfying that Vince wasn't going to be a deadbeat dad, and thinking about how happy that baby was going to make my best friend.
"What about you?" He gestured to me, watching Nikki and Tommy by the bar.
"What about me?"
"Kids. You ever want them?"
I thought about it for a second before shaking my head, licking the cocaine residue off of my finger "no. I don't think I do."
"Not even with Sixx?" I shook my head again, and he sighed out, surprised "really? Shit. I thought you'd be super keen to have babies with Nikki."
My eyes zoned in on him with Tommy, laughing and fucking around like middle schoolers, not giving a damn about what they were doing or who saw them because they were 'rockstars'--and no matter what they did, people always seemed to continually praise them.
Vince noticed me watching them, and smirked.
"Oh, I get it. You don't want babies with Nikki, but you'd consider babies with someone else, right?"
"No, Vince. I just don't want kids."
"Why?" He pried, and I had to bite back the urge to lash out at him because he was only asking a simple set of questions, and it wasn't his fault that I was getting defensive.
"I just don't. I never have, and I don't think that I ever will."
Vince nodded in understanding, until he came out with "does Sixx know that you're not willing to bare his kids?" Like what I said was the most heinous thing ever spoken.
Why is a woman not wanting to have children a thing out of the ordinary? Not having kids doesn't = me being less of a woman. But, I guess to a man like that, it probably does.
"I just don't want to have children, Vince" I let out, semi-angrily "it's not that I don't want them with Nikki, it's that I don't want them at all. Kids have never been something that I've ever wanted, or even thought about, or ever fucking liked all that much--and I honestly don't get why me not wanting them is so fucking confusing to you. I said no when you asked me the first time, and I'll always say no when you ask me again."
Yeah...that could change.
Vince was literally stunned. His eyes were wide and he couldn't seem to shut his mouth out of shock, clearly not knowing what to say or how to react to my little outburst.
"Okay, okay" I rolled my eyes and took another sip of my drink realizing that, until Nikki got back, the conversation wasn't going to die anytime soon. "What if you and Nikki were at that point of your relationship where he decides he wants kids. What're you gonna do?"
"Tell him that I don't want them, and if he wants kids, then maybe we should see other people" I shrugged, about to get out of my seat to head to the bathroom "but, maybe he won't want kids. Not all couples end up having them--they aren't crucial to a functional relationship, anyways."
I rolled my eyes and got up, but I was immediately sent back into my seat when my boobs, accidentally, pressed against Nikki's chest and he was staring down at me.
"How--how much of that conversation did you just hear?" I stuttered over my words and, by the way he was scowling at me, I was suddenly made aware that he heard just enough to get pissed at me and Vince for talking about such a thing behind his back.
"Enough" he retorted sharply, angrily plopping down next to Vince, leaving me and Tommy awkwardly shifting next to one another.
"So" Vince broke that little awkward silence with a smile, ignoring Nikki's death glare burning holes into his forehead "what're you guys' plans for when we head home?"
"I don't know, I'm thinking about finding a job" the guys gasped, jokingly, but I just knew that Nikki was uncertain. "I mean, not to suck my own dick or anything but, I'm pretty smart. I could easily get an admin job, or an apprenticeship, or I could be someone's assistant or something."
"But what about us?" Tommy's eyes widened and began to plead with mine, "if you get a job as some fancy business exec's assistant, you won't have the time to spend with us, and tour, and--"
"--if she wants to find a job, let her find a fucking job. She's stubborn, and she won't change her mind no matter how much we beg her, or tell her how we feel about it" he shot his death glare to me.
"Look, if this is about what you just heard about me not wanting kids, then seriously Nikki--"
"--"seriously Nikki" what?"
I leaned into the table a little, making sure his eyes were on me "seriously Nikki, listen to yourself. Listen to the garbage spilling from your lips."
"You're the one talking shit about not wanting kids with me, when I want them with you!"
My laugh was overly obnoxious as I shut my eyes, leaning backwards "you're shitting me, right? You don't want children! When you thought that I was pregnant, you didn't wanna know."
"But that was different!" I furrowed my brows, not understanding what he meant by that. "One day, Chris, I'm gonna want kids with you. That was just a shock" he rubbed his temple, staring back at me "but if you were actually pregnant, I wouldn't have left you--I know that's how it seemed when it happened. But I wouldn't have. There's no fucking way I would've walked out on you and my kid."
That was literally the one and only time that he'd ever properly expressed his feelings on having children, and I was completely stunned. I really never thought he wanted them with me, and I was instantly made to feel guilty for flat out refusing to have kids.
"I'm sorry, Nikki. But I don't think I'm ever gonna want to have children" I noticed the frustration wash across his face, but he stayed silent--how could he respond to that? He couldn't force me to change my mind, he just had to decide whether or not he wanted to stay with me and have no children, or find someone else who would have them with him.
"What if you accidentally got pregnant?" Vince inquired.
I just shrugged, causing Nikki to shake his head "you'd get rid of it, wouldn't you?"
"I don't know" I reply lowly, avoiding eye contact. "It'd depend on what my--our situation was. I mean, now? Like hell would I have a kid at this age, and at this point of my life. I'm a junkie, I can't even take care of myself most days. But maybe further down the line, who knows."
"Maybe further down the line." Yep. Much further.
I took another sip from my drink and just sighed out, eyes zoning in on Vince "can we please change the topic of the conversation?"
"Okay, I'm sorry for bringing that up, Chris" I nodded back at him, watching Nikki stare at me like he was trying to decide whether or not he wanted to stay with me. "About your job! What're you thinking about?"
I thanked him with a nod and put down my drink, trying not to look in my husband's direction. "Uhh, I'm not sure, actually. I mean, I'm kinda sick of freeloading now, and my mom's money ran out a little while ago--so anything, I guess."
"Stripping?"
"No!" Nikki and I yelled in unison, and Tommy looked super proud of himself for coming out with that one.
"Why did you say no?" Nikki asked me, folding over his arms.
"Why did you say no?" I countered with a smug grin, Vince, Mick and Tommy suddenly taking a lot of interest in what was about to be said.
He started to bite down on his lip a little, trying to figure out how to explain to me that he didn't want to see his wife stripping down in any situation that didn't end with him getting his dick sucked.
"I just don't think you'd like it" was all he could come up with, and I instantly found myself chortling at his response.
"You don't think I'd like it?" I leaned over the table, again, my tits pressing up against it "I think I'd like it. I really think I'd like all the attention, all the money being thrown at me, all the men begging to put a fifty in my thong--"
"--fine!" He gave in and I leaned backwards, waiting to hear his response "if you did that, then I'd be jealous."
"Jealous? Of what exactly? Stripping is not the same as prostitution--" I cut my eyes at Vince when he laughed--completely forgetting that he probably ended up fucking every stripper that he'd ever met, and to him, all dancers and sex workers were the same.
"I know. But I don't like the thought of other guys creaming their fuckin' pants at the sight of you in nothing but a g-string!"
"You can't be serious, Nikki."
"What?"
"How the fuck do you think I feel when I see all of these women, these desperate women, talking about how badly they want to ride your dick backstage at fucking shows!?" I let out, shaking "the only difference between the two of us though, is that if I did become a stripper, I wouldn't fuck the people who were there to watch me do my fucking job!"
"Alright Chris, come on that's enough--"
"--shut the fuck up, Vince! Shut up!" He stared back at me with that knowing look, and I was suddenly made aware that, if he wanted to, he could've just told Nikki about Tommy and I.
"Dude" T-Bone looked to Nikki's seething expression, but he didn't say anything--because he knew that he'd been caught out.
God, I knew that there were groupies. How fucking stupid of me would it be to flat out deny that Nikki didn't get his dick wet when all of the other guys were?
At the start of that tour, I believed every word that fell from his lips in regards to the other women, but as time went on I realized that was stupid.
It pissed me off to no end at first, but I was much too fucked up to even begin to give a shit about what my husband was doing coming to the end of that tour--and I just figured that as long as nobody told me, and if I didn't know what he was doing, then there was nothing for me to worry about.
Vince was right when he told Nikki I was changing--I was letting everyone walk over me, fuck me over, and eventually ruin my life.
When I got up to leave, Mick and Vince just said their goodbyes while Nikki ignored me, and Tommy put a hand on my arm before saying "don't leave on your own. Wait for me to finish this, and I'll walk you back."
"No, it's fine. Don't worry."
Of course I wasn't going to let him walk me back. We'd have ended up in the exact same position, both figuratively and literally, as what we did a few months prior.
The place we were at was only about a ten minute walk back to our hotel, and given the densely populated boulevard that it was on, I felt pretty safe in heading back alone...even if I was fucked up.
"For fucks sake" I grumbled to myself when I swiped the keycard in the door, and was instantly met with the mess that Nikki and I had left before we went out.
I kicked the heels that I was wearing, and the heels next to the door, across the room and made a beeline for my suitcase and the silk nightie that was resting atop of it. A content hum fell from my lips when I slipped myself out of the dress I was wearing, and straight into the pink one piece that I'd packed, mainly for Nikki, but never really got the chance to wear.
As I was about to rest the jacket that I'd taken from Nikki on the chair by the vanity, my eyes almost popped out of my head when a small baggie fell out of the pocket, alongside a carton of cigarettes that I didn't know were in there.
I took out one of the cigarettes and a lighter, I grabbed the baggie and my credit card, and headed out onto the balcony where Nikki had left an unopened bottle of Jack.
It was always so sad to me, how Nikki and the guys managed to get fucked up alone--I couldn't ever seem to take comfort in doing drugs with nobody around. The first time I did cocaine I was with Beth, and every other time, it was with someone else. Heroin with Vince and Nikki, or Tommy, was a regular thing too.
But I never took sanctuary in shooting up, or snorting, on my own. Until tonight.
I cut the lines, did the usual, but something inside of me felt really different. As soon as I took that last hit, I felt off.
That night I quickly came to the realization that I was growing more and more dependent on drugs--and that's how I ended up doing them alone. Because if you'd asked me at the start if I'd ever be comfortable enough in snorting coke on my own, I would've laughed in your face.
I was just desperate to get fucked up. Like Nikki said, you'd do anything when you're desperate to feel something. And he was right.
It was getting to the point where people were telling me how I'd changed, both physically and mentally, but I never really noticed all that much until Doug's wife mentioned how my cheeks were looking a little 'gaunt.' That was a kick in the cunt. I'd always prided myself on my appearance--something that I got from my mom.
And it just hurt because, I couldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fucking stop. And the people that I surrounded myself with weren't any help, either.
My back was flush to the wall, my hands tugging at the ends of my hair--just desperate to feel connected to reality again.
The bottle of Jack Daniels between my legs was almost empty, eyes pricking with tears because it was only two in the morning and Nikki wouldn't be back for another few hours, and I missed the touch of another person.
But the next thing that I knew, it was five o'clock and I was being lifted off of the floor by a dark figure, who smelled a lot like cigarettes and alcohol.
"Nikki--" I slurred, completely incoherently, but he just kissed my neck and mumbled as he laid me on the bed, before turning on the light.
"How much of this" he held up the, almost, empty baggie "did you do in one go, Christine?"
"Mhm" I nod in and out of consciousness, Nikki's hand firmly gripping my face and forcing me to look at him.
"Oh my fucking god--did you snort this!?"
The way my eyes refuse to open was a dead giveaway for him and, for the first time ever, I think Nikki started to panic.
"Christine, how don't you know the difference between cocaine and heroin!? You've been doing it for long enough now--"
"--heroin?" I choked out, rolling onto my side to get out of bed, because at the mention of that, my stomach began to churn.
"Chris, you're gonna need to puke it up, because I don't know what's gonna happen to you if it stays in your system like this--"
I just nodded back to him, leaning over the toilet as I feel myself begin to wretch. "Am I gonna die?" I managed to croak out, but he shook his head, soothing my back when he sat on the floor next to me.
"No, baby, you're not gonna die" he sighed out, pulling my hair into a little ponytail with the scrunchie that sat next to the sink. "You're gonna be on one hell of a come down, though."
"God, I think I'd rather death" we both managed a laugh, and I ignored the tears spilling from my eyes every time my body convulsed, and I continued to vomit.
He stayed with me all night, to my surprise, and didn't once bring up the 'ordeal' that happened at the bar--I think that he was just so scared of anything happening to me, that he didn't want to risk any arguments.
Even though he said that I wasn't going to die, he admitted to me in the morning that he really thought he'd wake up to a corpse laying next to him.
That hurt. The idea of Nikki thinking that I was going to die. That was painful.
And Doc found out about what I did, and made me see the on-call doctor that followed the Crüe around, in case of emergencies. The man was shocked to see me so lively after almost overdosing.
He told me that I was lucky to be alive...
...but I'd have to disagree.