"The number you have dialed is now unattended . . ."
I was running out of patience. I couldn't contact Demi. I even sent her messages, asking her where she was and why I couldn't contact her. I opened my Messenger and tried to message her, but her account was deactivated.
"What's going on?" I whispered.
My last hope was her Twitter account, so I sent her a message there:
Where are you? And why I can't contact you?
I composed myself though I was so worried about her. I lay down on the bed and relaxed my body that had been working all day because I helped Dad to create some plans for our new project.
I hadn't noticed that I fell asleep. When I woke up early in the morning, I quickly grabbed my phone and checked if I got a message from Demi, but I saw nothing. I checked my Twitter account. She hadn't seen my message yet. I inhaled and then exhaled before I sat up and combed my hair through my fingers. There's something wrong, I thought.
I went downstairs, and I saw Manang Linda in the iving room, rummaging in the cabinet placed below the flat screen television.
"Nang," I called her.
She turned her head to me with an anxious face. "Oh, Storm. Gising ka na pala." There was tension in her voice.
"Is everything all right?" I asked.
"O-oo naman. May hinahanap lang ako."
My brows furrowed a little bit. "What is it? May nawawala po ba?"
"Naku! Hindi, anak. Papel lang naman iyon. Nakalimutan ko kung saan ko nilagay."
"Is it important?"
"H-hindi naman. Sige na, mag-almusal ka na roon. Nakahanda na ang pagkain."
I just heaved a sigh and started to walk, but I stopped when I thought of asking her. I faced her and asked, "Nang, nagpunta ba rito si Demi kahapon?"
Mabilis na napatingin siya sa akin at tumango. "Oo. Ang kaso wala kayo ng Papa mo rito sa bahay."
"Wala po ba siyang nabanggit sa inyo?"
"Wala naman."
I just nodded my head and started to walk again, heading the kitchen.
***
The days passed by and I never saw Demi again. I asked her highschool and college friends, but they told me that they also had no contact with Demi. I had no choice but to trace her Auntie Jessie's house, and I found it.
"Good morning po," I greeted her politely.
A sweet smile formed on her lips when she saw me, and I thought she recognized me. "Hijo, napadaan ka rito?" she asked in a soft voice.
"Gusto ko lang po sanang itanong kung nariyan po ba si Demi?"
"Si Demi? Nasa America na si Demi ngayon kasama ang parents niya. Bakit? May kailangan ka ba?"
I paused for a few seconds as I felt something clench in my chest and my heart started to pound fast. I swallowed before I spoke, "Nothing, ma'am. I just want to visit her as her childhood friend," I said hiding the bitterness and pain in my voice. "May I know kung kailan po siya babalik rito sa Pilipinas?" I managed to ask.
"I don't know. Sa pagkakaalam ko kasi, doon na sila maninirahan."
I just calmly nodded my head although deep inside, I wanted to cuss. I felt annoyance. I said "goodbye" to Auntie Jessie and hopped into my car.
Why she didn't inform me? Why she left me dumbfounded? She should've told me. I would understand. I would respect her parent's decision. I could wait for her to come back as long as I knew that she would come back. But that's not what she did. She left me hanging. Her d*mn decision hurt me like hell. It was a stupid desicion! What if I didn't ask her auntie? I'd f*cking wait for nothing for sure.
"D*mn it!" I cussed as I hit the steering wheel.
I never thought that she could f*cking break me like this.
***
"Storm?"
I heard Mom calling me while knocking the door, but I wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. I just wanted to stuck myself in the bed while missing Demi. Her absence was so depressing. Not hearing her voice drove me insane.
Mom and Dad already knew about what happened, and they understood. I didn't cry in front of them, but I kept myself away from anybody because I didn't wanna talk about how Demi left me like a hopeless puppy. I knew how concern and worried they were about me, but I didn't need their pity. I needed Demi's explanation. I was on the verge of chasing her, but I didn't want to make a stupid move as what she did. Still, I thought of the possible consequences if ever I did an impulsive action.
When evening came, I went out of my room wearing a black leather jacket and holding my car keys.
"Where are you going?" Dad asked me when he saw me. He was seated on the couch.
"I'll attend a gig." I lied.
I had stopped joining gigs because I was busy with finding the truth about the Biblical doctrines. I spent my time with Christy, asking her about spiritual matters that I was curious about. While I was in the process of discovering God, I've learned how to trust every word I read in the Holy Scriptures, until I became ready to change my world and follow Him. But now, I was in chaos and confusion again.
I went to my pad and drank some wine. The deafening silence of the place made my mind travel. A lot of negative thoughts were dealing with me, but I dealt with them by using my own judgement and understanding. D*mn, I was going crazy. It was hard to question when you know the answer.
It was so clear that Demi would no longer come back because she cutted her connection with me. If she really cared for me, she would inform me about her departure and she would find a way to talk to me while she was away from me. I remembered the last conversation we had on the phone. Now I got the logic of her words that day. She had a plan to leave me; however, she got a chance to say "good bye" but she chose to keep her mouth shut. Did she really love me? That was the question that I didn't know what was the answer. I didn't want to doubt that because that was equivalent to accusing her liar, but . . .
If she really loves you, she will not leave you, my mind said.
"D*mn it."
I drank the wine straight. I rested my back and closed my eyes. Demi's beautiful face pictured on my mind. I felt longing in my heart. I'd missed her so bad. I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes started to water. Now that I've lost the love of my life, what's the sense of life? I thought. I'd learned to live my life with her, and I couldn't live miserably like this every f*cking day.
When I opened my eyes, tears started to well on my cheeks. This feeling was so heavy so I breathed heavily. I removed my jacket and composed myself, trying to control my emotions because I could lose my mind anytime.
My eyes suddenly caught the Bible on the table located in front of me. I stared at it sadly.
"I am ready to leave my dreams for You, and I am losing them gradually," I said, talking to God. "But why even the woman I love the most?" my voice broke. "Should I really have to lose her in order to follow You?" Sobs began to escape from my mouth. "You said You have plans for me, but why I'm hurting like this? I can't see the plans that You're talking about." I sounded like I was blaming Him. "I can't lose Demi. Not her." I said in a tough voice.
I might look like dumb because I was talking to a Person that I couldn't even see. I got no response but silence. My cries was echoing in the place. I was so depressed. It was the very first time that I felt this hell feeling, so I couldn't handle it. Hate started to fill me up. I was known as genius, but at this moment I felt like I was the most stupid person in the world, because I couldn't think right. I was full of stupidity that I even wanted to end this d*mn life. I was so downed emotionally. This time, I couldn't use my brain to handle myself. All I could see was my brokenness and hopelessness.
I tried to contact Christy because I wanted someone to talk to, someone who could courage and enlighten me, but she wasn't responding. Maybe because it was already late. It was already midnight.
Now I was staring at the rope tied to the chandelier. I felt so tired. I was tired of crying and feeling the pain inside. Nakakawalan ng gana mabuhay kapag ganito.
Suddenly, words revealed to me:
"I am your life, not her."
I swallowed before I spoke, "But why her? I love her so much," I whispered.
All of a sudden the moment that I felt the touch of God in my life for the very first time flashback to my mind. It felt like I heard my own voice, following the pastor's prayer of acceptance:
"I surrender my life to You . . ."
I felt how my system calm down. I was reminiscing everything. Tila nanariwa lahat ng iyon. That made me think deeper. I let my body fall on the couch while contemplating and studying the situation.
It's Demi's decision to leave me. Why am I questioning God? I questioned myself.
I stopped when I heard the sound of doorbell. I stood up to open the door. I saw Christy. She looked uneasy like she had run fast.
"Storm," she greeted and managed to smile at me.
"Come in," I told her.
She wandered her eyes around as she entered my placed. I was surprised that she really came here for me. Christy was really a good friend. She was clueless about what happened to me but I knew that she noticed what was wrong with me now that she was here.
I sat on the couch again and put my hands over my face, because I felt that I was being emotional again.
"Storm, I'm here. I will listen," she said in a soft voice.
I looked at her. I swallowed before I spoke, "I blamed God . . . and almost doubted Him again." I confessed because I knew she could help me to overcome this confusion. She was good at this.
She just stared at me, like she wanted me to speak more.
"But I realized that He has no fault, because He's not Demi," I said emotionally.
"A-anong ibig mong sabihin?" She was confused and surprised at the same time.
"Demi left me." Tears streamed down on my cheeks again. "I don't know if I could live without her. I love her so much. She's . . ." I stopped because I started to cry again. I felt the pang of pain in my chest. "Can I just die? I want to end this pain right now!" I raised my voice in frustration.
She just looked at me sadly before she heaved a sigh and said, "I know what you feel. We're just both left behind, Storm."
I knew that Bryan and her broke up. Bryan cheated on her and I saw it with my two eyes.
I combed my hair and composed myself. I leaned the back of my head on the backrest of the couch. "Tell me what you feel," I calmly said.
"Masakit at . . . nakakapanghinayang." There was sadness in her voice. "Pero hindi iyon sapat para mawalan ako ng pag-asa at para maisip ko na hindi ko na kayang mabuhay sa mundo."
"Because you and Bryan just became lovers for a few months. Demi and I grew up together."
"Hindi naman sa tagal ng pagsasama nasusukat ang pagmamahal. Sa ilang buwan na iyon ay nasanay din ako sa presensya ni Bryan sa buhay ko . . . Minsan akala natin hindi natin kayang mabuhay na wala ang mga mahal natin sa buhay dahil nasanay tayong kasama sila. Pero akala lang natin 'yon, dahil kaya pala natin. Tulad ng sitwasyon ko ngayon. Nawalan ako ng ama, at sobrang sakit n'on, dahil hinahanap-hanap ko ang presensya ni Papa sa tuwing gigising ako sa umaga para magkape. Sabay kasi kami palagi sa pag-inom niyon noong nabubuhay pa siya."
I closed my eyes and asked her, "Then what should I do?"
"Gusto mo na bang maranasan ang buhay na sinabi ko sa'yo noon? A life that is more than fame and wealth?" There was conviction in her voice like she was trying to encourage me.
I still remember when I asked her about the sense of God in every individual's life, and she said: "God can make our lives beautiful. A life that is more than wealth and fame."
All my life I was depending on wealth and fame. I thought I had everything, not until she introduced me about Jesus Christ, the Man who died for me on the cross and washed away all my sins. A desire to know more about that wonderful Man grew in my heart. But this time, I was losing that desire. Knowing Him costed me a big price.
"I don't think it's possible." I almost whisper. "When Demi is with me, I can no longer ask for more . . ."
"There is more than Demi in your life, Storm. He's more than anyone else. He can heal you. He can heal us. He can make our hearts whole again."
I fell silent for a few seconds, "I accepted Him already, but why can't I feel that He's more than anyone else?"
She explained me more but by mind was so messed to understand what she was saying. I was even full of discouragements to accept what she was implying. This time she was telling me that if I wanted to feel that God is more than anyone else, I had to know God deeper by experiencing His power, and I asked, "How?"
"You must serve the Lord," she said. I saw joy in her eyes.
"How will I serve the Lord if I am broken? And this brokenness pushes me to doubt God," I reasoned.
She shook her head. "Storm, listen. Serving the Lord will mend your broken heart. Serving the Lord will strengthen your faith. Serving the Lord will make you."
I just stared at her with sadness. Masyadong pagod ang isip ko para tumugon sa kanya.
"Storm," she said when I didn't reply.
"Give me some time to think about it . . ."