A bit too depressing chapter but I promise, good time will come. It's just to build up how important Pharm and Arthit are to Beam, they both are gonna be the key role in his life from now on since he's back home to people he left behind.
WARNING: mention of child abuse, rape and loss.
FLASHBACK
He didn't know how long he lay there on the floor, staring at that pink ceiling. Even in the dark of the night, he could make out the color. Ofcourse he could. He himself stood there and watched them mix the color he wanted for this room. Her room.
Every time the wind blew through the window, it moved those pretty chimes he put on her cot and on the window. He didn't want it to be too quiet for her.
He sat up and walked to that cot. He moved his hand along the edges with uncontrollable tears flowing down his eyes. He who didn't cry when his parents separated, who didn't shed a tear when his mom wasn't there, when his friends left him and the man he thought he loved broke his heart. He didn't shed a tear knowing how his mother wanted him shipped here to USA to his estranged father or when he found out about her cancer. But how could he possibly stop himself now?
He looked at the wall behind the cot. MY PRINCESS.
Yes, she was his princess, she was his hope. She was his one true love. His shelter, his way back to life. How he possibly move on from that? How could he stop the river of tears he kept caged inside his eyes. His heart bled every time he felt his belly and found it flat. His baby was there no more.
He picked up the little yellow stuffed toy from the cot. The first gift he bought her. He found it in the mall, a week after he landed. He remembered seeing the cartoon somewhere. He thought it looked adorable with its long rabbit like ears, big tail and those chubby cheeks with red spots. He fell in love instantly.
Suddenly he couldn't breathe anyone. He ran out inn the balcony and down from the staircase to the huge garden, panting hard for oxygen. He crouched down, holding his knees and buried his head between them to cry out.
Why was life so unfair to him?
Was he that bad a person?
He always got thrown away his entire life! Did he not deserve that little happiness in his life? Did he not deserve hold her in his arms after all the pain he went through just to have her?
He put a hand on his mouth to cover the sobs escaping. He didn't want to worry the occupants of that house. He felt someone beside him and looked up to find a pair of small hands holding his stuffed toy. He looked up to find a very thin little boy smiling at him. He wore worn out clothes, ordinary. In one glance he knew the kid was one of the housekeeping staff's. The boy looked down at the toy with twinkling eyes and kissed it. Then moved it towards him with a very bright smile.
"It fell, I kissed it, it won't cry now" but seeing the tears on Beam's face, his smile fell. "I would kiss you too but you look like young master. Momma said he was the most handsome of all. You might not like it"
He blinked. Then wiped his eyes. "Will it be okay? If you kiss it, will the pain leave?" the boy smiled and moved closer to kiss him on his cheek.
.
.
"P'Beam! P'Beam!"
He laughed brightly seeing that short little kid run towards him, with a stuffed pickachu in his arms. The boy jumped into his arms.
"I missed you P'Beam! Are you a doctor now? A real real doctor?! Wao!" he giggled so happily. Beam laughed and put him down. He patted the boy's head.
"And you, you still play with him? It's been years, how old are you now? You don't even grow" he tried measuring the boy's height.
"Aww! P'Beam~" the boy whined cutely. "Aww you know my momma married again"
"She did?" Beam asked with a slight frown. He didn't hear of it.
"We will move out now" the boy said sadly. "Momma will work with him in their small bakery. P'Beam! I don't want to go, can you tell master to keep me! I don't like him"
.
.
"I don't like him P'Beam" he said in a small voice, hugging the stuffed toy tightly.
"Pharm, I told your mom to let you stay with me but she said Sam didn't want their son to work for someone. Dad says he's a good man, I shouldn't be... Pharm what is it kiddo? Is he scary? Why you don't like him? Everyone else does" He didn't understand. "You should tell me what's wrong"
Pharm bowed his head even more. "I wish you were my dad"
Beam smiled. "I wish that too, sometimes.. I really do"
Pharm looked up with teary eyes. "Really?"
Beam put his finger under the boy's chin. "Really..." that's when he noticed it, the mark under the boy's shirt collar.
.
.
He sat there lifelessly. Why did he not notice it? Why did Pharm hide it from him too? Why didn't he say something? Did the boy not trust in him? Beam would fight the world to protect him, he must know that. Then why didn't he tell him?
'Dr. Baramee, that kid has been gang-raped, if you didn't reach on time, we might not have been able to save him'
How was he on time if he couldn't save that boy from that nightmare? Why? When he had everything ready to free Pharm from that hell. Papers, evidence, social services, everything. He was ready to take Pharm away. Then why was he so late?
"I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD! DON'T HAVE ANY HEART LEFT AT ALL?"
He looked up at the woman who cried so pitifully. How did a mother not know what was happening to her child under her own roof?
"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO MY CHILD WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE ONE OF YOUR OWN? HOW COULD YOU? YOU BEAT ME UP, I NEVER SAY ANYTHING, YOU ONCE TRIED GETTING ME SOLD TO YOUR DEBTOR FOR A NIGHT, I STILL STAYED. NOW THIS? HE'S MY SON! HE'S MY SON!"
He stood up from his place. She looked nearly there, to deliver anytime now. She shouldn't..
"I WILL NOT SIT QUIET, I WILL MAKE YOU PAY YOU HEAR ME? I WILL-- ARGH"
"YOU WILL MAKE ME PAY? MAKE ME PAY THEN" The man in handcuffs pushed her away so hard she crashed into a cart and fell down hard, screaming uncontrollably in pain.
"My baby master Beam... save my baby"
"Shuu it will be okay"
"You should save my baby, you know... what it feels when you lose a child... I'm a horrible mother, I let that monster in... in my home, he fed on my child... now this innocent... my innocent baby will be called his... his child. A... monster's child..."
"Jenna..."
"Please... please..." she held his hand in her own. "You would... be a great father. You... you will... you will..."
"Shu.. don't talk" he wiped her tears. "My..."sigh. "She was my hope but Pharm, he brightened my life. I love him. I promise to love this little one with all my heart as well.
He will be my warmth, I'll love and protect them with my life. I promise"
She smiled weakly, squeezing his hand one last time and closed her eyes, peacefully.
"Dr. Baramee..."
He turned to the nurse who smiled and handed him a small bundle. He looked down at the tiny little baby in his arms and smiled.
"Hello little Oon... I'm your dad little one"
End of FLASHBACK
"Oon!! Stop throwing beans at your brother" he picked the little boy up and playfully smacked his bum. "Bad bad boy"
Arthit giggled happily when Beam put pink milk on the table and sat him on his lap, started to feed him himself.
"P'Faam bad, souts" Arthit pouted and hugged the stuffed pikachu tightly.
"Pharm, why did you shout at your brother?"
But Pharm was pouting too as he ate his food. "He kicked me first"
Beam sighed. "Why did you kick your brother Oon?"
"Dada~" Arthit gave him his best puppy eyes. "Dada P'faam aas bid room. Aarthi waan it doo"
Beam facepalmed. Really?
"Baby you can have a big room when you're big like P'Pharm. Okay?" Beam told him, gently patting his head. "It's bad to hit your big brother and Pharm, he's your little brother, you can be a little forgiving, can't you?" He asked Pharm who pouted but nodded. He patted his head. "Good boy, now finish your breakfast, we have places to be.. Arthit! Stop it!" Beam whined and wiped Arthit's mouth in hurry. "Hey you'll ruin your-" both Beam and Pharm groaned. Arthit pulled the porridge bowl, throwing everything at himself and Beam.
Then it was time for Beam's shouting parade. "Arthit Vongviphan! I am so gonna kill you"
##~~
"Wa.. hey the fuck are you doing! Leave my boxers!"
"I'm playing volley ball" Thada deadpanned, moving around to pack necessary stuff. He threw a book at June. "You just gonna stand there or you coming to help?"
"Why are you packing my stuff you scary kingkong?!"
"To make room for volley ball" Thada rolled his eyes.
"I can take care of myself! I'm not a damsel in distress!" He had both hands at his waist as he glared at the bag like it did him some great injustice.
"The hell you won't! Come on, we live together, you can join, more the merrier" June tried to reason.
"Don't wanna" Kao pouted, ready to cry.
"Hey hey hey chipmunk alert!" June warned, they both were scared of a crying Kao.
"If you cry..." Thada tried threatening, then moved to look straight into Kao's eyes. "I'll just carry you on my should like a potato sack"
Kao knotted his eyebrows and folded his arms. "I'd like seeing you try, the whole building knows me, they all looove me" he sang smugly. "They'll beat you"
"Yeah?" Thada smirked.
"Hmhm" Kao nodded.
"Double chocolate muffins and spicy stir fried chicken"
"Haww that's cheating" Kao pouted. Then he thought for a moment. "A big jar of pickles. And p-"
"Peanut butter, deal. And you can have coffee too, just... for once in a while"
Kao looked very tempted but he looked down sadly. "I don't want to burden you" he said in a small voice. "You both have a life, why would you do so much for me? I'm not even a friend" he became teary eyed remembering his own best friends. She didn't even know what he was going through, not that he blamed her. It was his decision to not involve her but still...
"Oiii Kao.."
"June" Thada called him. "Can you give us a minute?"
June frowned slightly but nodded, he walked out mumbling not so quietly. "Man, you wanna propose him, do it in front of me"
Kao blushed slightly at that while Thada huffed. He sat with Kao and wiped his eyes. "Who told you you burden us? Look at me" he made Kao look up. "I'm not as scary as you think, I'm just..." he smiled slightly. "June and I won't be here taking care of you if we didn't want to. It's not because you are weak, even if you are, I''ll help you be strong. We might not be the best of the crew out there, we are reliable. And do you want to be alone through all this? Do you want to face him alone? Or what about this... baby" he put a hand on Kao's stomach. "Him or her, whatever, do you want to be alone in raising this baby? We might not be role models, we can be the scary and the funny uncle" He smiled seeing Kao chuckle and then wipe his nose.
"My first trimester isn't through and I'm already troubling you with weird behavior" Kao said guiltily.
"You were always weird, no one told you that?"__Thada
"I'm not!"__Kao
"You're weirder than June, next problem"__Thada
Kao opened and closed his mouth then puffed his cheeks. "Fine. I will be showing soon, I... I don't know what would I do, how would I move out and face people... you will be in trouble with my... my weirdness"
"Why do you need to face anyone or anything? What's so wrong with you? This.."he pointed at Kao's belly. "This is the best trouble in the world like Dr. Beam said. People celebrate this, they feel happy for this. Just because you don't have good boobs and a vagina doesn't mean you can't be happy for this. And still if you have trouble in the society, I will stand with you, see you should stay with us so we all can look after that little champion"
Kao blinked. "Thada.. " he said slowly. "I'm pregnant, and gay and you totally look hot in my hormonal eyes right now, so if you keep talking like that, I'll really believe you're proposing me.
Thada got flustered, totally caught off guard. Kao giggled uncontrollably. "Look at your face!!!" Thada blinked. Then he attacked Kao, tickling his sides.
"STOP! Gyahahah stoooop"
"You.. you.. pregnant whore"
Kao gasped dramatically. "Take that back!" he started hitting Thada with his glasses case.
"Are you two done?"
They looked up at a shocked June and laughed. "He's ready"
Kao nodded slowly. "Then get you face out of my mouth, my clothes won't pack themselves"
.
.
Later that night,
"He looks so small, like a baby himself" June laughed, he just came from checking on Kao. They were smoking in the balcony of their shared apartment. "You know he was right"
Thada didn't speak. He was deep in thought with a scowl on his face. June went on. "You should be careful, don't give him hope or promise him something you can't give him"
Thada turned to him. "He was kidding"
"And you call me stupid" June rolled his eyes. He looked very serious. Thada put his cigarette away because June is never serious. "He is vulnerable, you might accidentally end up playing with his heart in your worry for the child"
"I don't mind" Thada said slowly. "I don't mind being responsible for a baby. It's a child, it deserves to be loved"
"So does Kao, don't forget that"
Thada smirked. "Why do you suddenly sound wise?"
June laughed. "Oi mark it in your memory, I won't make a habit of it" they laughed loudly.