I was almost back to my room, the anger from my conversation with Jasper not yet subsided, when someone called my name.
I stopped abruptly, turning to see Octavia running toward me.
"I don't want to talk right now, Tav." I muttered, beginning to turn back toward where I was headed.
Octavia grabbed my arm, not allowing me to move any further. She let out a ragged breath as she pointed back towards the med ward, "Abby needs you."
By the look on my best friend's face, I could tell something was wrong. "What's going on?" I asked, already beginning to follow her back down the hall.
"It's Nyko." she explained, her eyes full of worry, "He was attacked by Ice Nation and the only way Abby can save him is by taking him to Mount Weather. She wants you to come."
I looked over at her, quickening my pace, "Mount Weather? I thought we weren't-"
Octavia nodded, "He needs a blood transfusion, RH Null, and apparently no one here has it. It's our only option."
A shaky sigh escaped my lips as I quickened my pace, the thought of going back to Mount Weather sending a shiver down my spine. I hadn't been back since the day of our attack, and I wasn't sure I was prepared for the demons those walls held.
Octavia noticed my discomfort and reached out to squeeze my hand as we arrived at the med ward, "It'll be okay, Aves. There's nothing there that can hurt you now."
I looked over at her, forcing a smile onto my face as I nodded, "I'm ready."
---
My eyes found themselves travelling throughout the back of the Rover, landing on Jackson, and Abby before finally settling on Jasper. I watched as his body bobbed around with every bump that Lincoln hit, his eyes closed and his head tilted back.
I kept my eyes locked on him, yearning to see a piece of the boy I once knew, but there was nothing left.
"We're almost there!" Octavia yelled from the front, causing me to rip my eyes away from Jasper and instead focus on Nyko. His breathing was becoming heavy, his wound continuing to bleed. I was worried he wouldn't make it into the mountain.
Luckily, the Rover came to an abrupt stop, signalling that we had arrived. No one said anything as we all jumped into action, rushing to get Nyko into the Mount Weather hospital. I gave directions as we wheeled the gurney through the corridors, each turn sent memories flashing through the head. I pushed them out, deciding now was not the time to focus on the past.
The minute we had Nyko set up in one of the beds, it was time to try to save his life.
"I'll get the blood!" I announced, my voice rushed as I began making my way through the medical wing, ignoring the shiver that ran through my body as I began searching for the bags of blood, the same ones taken from the Grounders by the Mountain Men.
The blood bags weren't hard to find, and there was an abundance of them to be found as well. "Here." I panted, rushing to hang the blood bag. Abby gave me a small smile of acknowledgment as she took it from my hands, instantly hanging it.
I took a small step back, moving out of the way as there was little to be done now that the blood was beginning to flow into Nyko's body. My breathing was heavy as my eyes darted around the room, taking in the worried faces of Octavia and Lincoln, and the concentrated looks of Abby and Jackson. The room was missing one face, a face that I desperately needed to speak to.
Once I was ensured there was nothing else that I needed to do, I quietly excused myself.
The halls of Mount Weather were quiet, empty, but with each step I took, memories filled my mind, loud enough to make it seem like the bunker was full of life. I turned down the hallway Landen and I had played soccer in, and my heart hurt. It hurt for who I was then, how naive I was. Finn was still alive, and it had been my priority to find him and Bellamy. But now my brother was gone, and so was the boy I had learned to trust in this mountain. Trusting Landen had been my own mistake, but I had learned from it. I now knew to question, to wonder, to hold my own.
The sound of something smashing in one of the storage rooms caused me to pause. I turned slightly, shaking the other thoughts from my head as I approached the door. With a shaky breath, I pushed it open.
He was sitting on the ground by the time I got in there, smashed paintings and sculptures scattering the ground around him. His face was red, a sheen layer of sweat covering it. My eyes pulled to the bandage on his neck, ensuring there was no bleeding from his wound, luckily there wasn't.
I took a small step into the room, awaiting him to tell me to leave, but it never came. I took this as a chance to take a seat next to him, not saying a word.
Jasper didn't look at me as he spoke, his eyes locked on a painting propped up in front of us, "This was her favourite."
My eyes travelled to the piece of art. It was rather unsettling, but nonetheless it was gorgeous.
"It represents the second circle of hell," Jasper explained, his voice low, "Pretty ironic if you think about it."
I remained silent, my eyes shifting from my friend and the painting he was referring to.
The sadness in his voice almost broke me, "I told her I liked it but--I don't know."
He shook his head as his lip began to quiver, a single tear beginning to roll down his cheek, "I miss her." he finally whispered.
I nodded as I pulled him toward me in a hug, placing my head lightly on his shoulder, "I know." I mumbled softly, "I know that it hurts, but it will get better."
Fast tears were now streaming down his face, "Wh-when."
Tears filled my own eyes as I held him tighter, "It takes time," I whispered, "But you have to let it get better. You don't deserve to feel the way you're feeling, Jasper."
He shook his head, "I'm sorry." he cried, turning slightly so he could look at me, "For what I said earlier, I shouldn't have--
I cut him off, reaching down with my free hand to grab one of his own, "You don't have to be sorry," I answered, pulling back slightly so I could look him in the eyes, "You can always talk to me, Jasper. I'm here for you, okay?"
With teary eyes, he nodded, now laying his head on my shoulder instead. "Thank you, Avery." he mumbled, a shaky breath leaving his lips.
I nodded as I placed my head on top of his, "I've got you."
---
Night had fallen by the time we arrived back at Arkadia. Nyko had made a fast recovery, being deemed stable enough to leave the Mountain.
I was thankful to be leaving the bunker, but there had been talks of using the empty compound for more than just supplies, so I had a feeling I would be back sooner than I wished.
The whole ride back, one person had been on my mind- Bellamy. It had been over a day since he and Monty left to meet Kane, and my worries for his safety had intensified.
To my pure luck and satisfaction, Raven approached me as I exited the Rover, a knowing smile on her face, "They're back."
A smile sprung to my face and before I even had a chance to ask, she was already alerting me as to where Bellamy was, "He's in medical," she explained, hurriedly finishing her sentence before I became panicked, "He's okay, just a stab wound to the leg."
I felt myself relax somewhat, but nerves still bubbled in me at the prospect of Bellamy being hurt at all. I quickly thanked Raven before taking off toward the med ward, desperate to see my boyfriend.
I burst into the medical ward, ignoring the stares of some curious patients as I scanned the room for Bellamy. I found him instantly, sitting in one of the beds, his leg propped and bandaged. He caught my eye, and grinned as I rushed toward him.
"Bell," I breathed, letting my body collapse into his. He let out a sigh of relief as he wrapped his arms around me. "Thank God you're okay." I whispered, pulling back to get a good look at him.
A smile spread across his lips as he reached up to push a stray piece of hair from my face, "You cut your hair." He observed, grinning down at me.
I let out a small laugh as I nodded, "I thought a change would be nice."
Bellamy's smile remained on his face, "You look beautiful."
A blush rose to my cheeks as I looked to change the topic, "How's your leg?" I asked, my eyes landing on his left leg, "Raven told me you were stabbed."
He brushed off my concern, "It'll heal."
I pushed a stray curl from his hair as I looked at him, worry in my eyes, "What happened out there."
Bellamy cleared his throat as he stared back at me, his eyes darkening slightly. Wordlessly, he moved over slightly, allowing me to sit down beside him. Once I did, he told me everything.
He explained that they had found Farm Station, that two-thirds of the survivors that had made it down here were left, due to conflicts with Azgeda. He also told me that they had found Clarke, and he had gone after her, that's where the stab wound came from. Finally, he told me that Clarke had decided to stay in Polis with Lexa, in order to solidify our relations with the Grounders, to ensure the coalition stayed intact.
I was quiet for a moment, before speaking up, "She's doing what she thinks is best." I observed. I didn't necessarily agree with Clarke's decision, especially considering how long we searched for her, how much work Bellamy put in to finding her. But nonetheless, I knew why she was doing it.
I was about to say something else, but before I had the chance, Abby arrived at our side. "Avery, can I speak to you for a moment?"
I looked over to Bellamy, who gave me a small nod, "I'll see you in a bit." he promised with a small smile.
Turning back to Abby, I gave her a nod, "Yeah." I whispered, following her as she led me out into the hallway.
It was then that I realized she was holding something, a small canister. Abby noticed my stares and shifted slightly, he grip tightening on the object, "I've been holding onto this for a few months now," she paused, her eyes casting up to meet mine, "I selfishly was saving them for Clarke, but I know it's not my place to do that."
I stared back at her, realization starting to kick in.
"He was your brother," she whispered, extending the canister toward me, "You deserve to do what you like with these."
I stayed frozen for a moment, looking down at what I now knew were my brother's ashes. I hadn't known that they had been kept, let alone that they had been in Arkadia for the past three months. I felt a surge of anger course through me, knowing Abby was going to give them to Clarke without even so much as asking me. But, at the same time, as I my shaky hands reached out to take them, I knew that I wasn't going to do anything with them, not without Clarke.
Once they were in my grasp, I looked up at Abby, "Thank you." I whispered, not letting her get another word in as I turned and quickly made my way back to mine and Bellamy's quarters. The canister in my hand felt like a hundred pounds as I carried it close to me. I know that having a piece of my brother near me was meant to bring peace, but in reality I knew it was only going to bring more pain.
---
Later that night, I sat in mine and Bellamy's quarters, the canister of ashes gripped in my hands. I felt nauseous as I stared down at what used to be my brother. My living, breathing, talking, loving brother was now reduced to a pile of soot.
My dull eyes caught something else as I looked down at the object in my hands. The bracelet on my wrist, the one I had taken off of Finn's body the day he died. My hand then flew up to the small necklace that always hung around my neck. Finn had made it for me. It was unlike the one he had made for Raven-smaller, more subtle. But the meaning behind it was the same, he was always with me.
"Avery?" Bellamy's voice called me to jump. I hadn't even heard him enter the room, let alone approach the bed.
I looked up at him, my eyes full of sadness. No matter how hard I tried to hide it, he could read me like a book, "What is that?" he questioned, his eyes flickering to the canister clutched tightly in my grasp.
I cast my eyes downward, knowing if I looked up at him I would break, "Abby gave it to me," I explained, needing a few more seconds to prepare myself to say the words out loud, "It's-" I paused, letting out a quiet sniffle, "They're Finn's ashes."
Bellamy remained silent, sitting down next to me and placing a comforting hand on my thigh, "Are you okay?" he whispered.
I looked over to him with a forced smile, "Yeah, it's just-" I shook my head, "It's hard." I whispered.
He nodded, pulling me close to him, "I know," he soothed.
And it was hard, it was so hard that night as I drifted off, knowing my brother's ashes were resting mere feet from where I slept.
---
That night, I woke with one of the worst nightmares I had had yet. My body was soaked in a cold sweat as tears streamed by face. I struggled to catch my breath as my wide eyes scanned the room, catching on one thing, the canister of ashes.
"Avery!" Bellamy called, his face suddenly hovering right above mine. I sat up abruptly, almost smacking Bellamy in the head with my own as I scrambled out of bed.
I could hear Bellamy struggling to chase after me, following me as I all but ran outside, letting the cool air calm me down.
"Avery," he panted, grabbing my arm and spinning me to face him, "What's going on?"
"I'm fine." I whispered, shivering as a gust of wind flew through the camp. I had nightmares almost nightly, and Bellamy always managed to calm me down from the comfort of our own bed, but tonight was different. It was much worse.
There were certain times when everything became too much, and this was one of those times.
"You don't look fine." he countered, his worried eyes watching me.
I glanced over at him through teary eyes, "I'm okay."
Bellamy let out a small sigh, "Avery, you're not-"
It was then that I burst, all the emotion inside of me flowing like a river through a broken dam,
"Okay! I'm not fine, Bellamy!" my sudden outburst surprised us both, and soon enough tears were falling again, "I know I say that I am, but I'm not," my voice had fallen now, almost to a whisper. "That day Finn died, a part of me died too and I don't-" I let out a shaky breath as I wiped the tears that were rapidly streaming down my face, "I don't know If I can get it back. And it haunts me every damn day, and now his ashes are in our room, Bell! The fact that he's gone, it's something that will never be okay."
Bellamy stared back at me, his eyes full of sadness as he watched me crumble. I hated who I had become, I hated feeling weak. How could I preach to Jasper not the let Maya's death break him, when I was breaking more and more everyday without my brother.
"So maybe that makes me broken" I cried, "and I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm not the person you fell in love with, or the person you want to be with now. I never wanted to pull you down with me, you deserve better than this."
"Stop." Bellamy demanded, quickly pulling me into a bone crushing hug. He ran one hand over the back of my head as the other gripped around my waist, "You're not broken, Avery, you're grieving. You went through a loss beyond compare and that took something from you- but there is nothing wrong with you do you hear me?"
He was waiting for a response and I knew that, so I numbly nodded my head, "Yes." I whispered, my voice muffled by his shirt.
"I'm not going anywhere," he continued, "I'm here for you, Avery- I will always be here for you."
-an-
okay so a lot happened in this chapter, but I still loved it. I loved the moment between Jasper and Avery, because I feel like the two of them can understand each other the best out of everyone.
poor aves is having to deal with more emotions over her brother, but of course bell is there for her like always.
please vote and COMMENT if you liked this chapter! getting feedback in the form of votes and comments lets me know that you guys are enjoying this story, and that I should continue it :)
-maddy xxoxo