Dear Harper,
As you can tell from the first few entries I've written, you had a brother...he didn't make it. Our doctor Siddiq determined that something happened to his umbilical cord, something that we couldn't control. I realize now that his death isn't on me, but I still can't get what happened out of my head. The crying, the feeling of utter loss; I was suicidal. Part of it was postpartum depression, the other part was me feeling like that life wasn't worth living, but a bunch of amazing people helped me through it all. I'm alive, I survived...all for you.
One day, I will tell you all the things I've done to get to where I am today, hopefully when you're at an age where you can handle it, but know that I'm only gonna tell you because you deserve to know. I want you to know that there are horrible people out there and I did what it took to make sure you and the others were safe. Please don't think differently when the day comes for you to know, I only did what I did because I had no other choice.
I can tell you that sometime today, I'm expected to go in front of the council in the community I'm currently in for a final hearing. I did something bad, but I also didn't do something I'm being accused of. However, because of my past, I have little to no chance of being found not guilty. If anything happens to me, just know that I love you with all my heart.
Love Always,
Mom
A gentle knock filled the room, but I didn't move, I didn't speak, just laid in my bed. The door slowly opened and Daryl entered the room, holding a tray of food. "Babe?" Daryl softly spoke. "I got ya breakfast." When I didn't respond, Daryl sat the tray on the bedside table and sat down next to me with a sigh. "Babe, ya need to eat. It's been three days."
"I'm not hungry." I mumbled.
"That's your depression talkin'." I didn't respond. "Goddamn it, Michaela, ya ain't the only one who lost someone that day."
"Daryl?" Michonne softly spoke from the doorway. "Rick and the others are ready for her."
"Well, she ain't. Tell 'em we'll get there when we fuckin' get there." Michonne gently nodded.
"How is she doing?"
"She won't eat a fuckin' thing, hasn't showered, I'm not even sure if she's gotten up to use the restroom."
"Whose been taking care of Harper?"
"Me and Siddiq. He wants to keep an eye on 'er for a lil' while longer. So far, she looks like she's gonna be fine."
"And her eye?"
"It'll just be a scar."
"Good." Michonne sighed. "I'll go tell the others she isn't ready yet, but try and bring her in soon before they drag her down to the council room." Michonne left the house, leaving Daryl and I in silence.
"Ya gotta get out of this rut, Michaela. I hate seein' ya like this; it ain't fair to Harper."
"Ain't fair to Harper?" I snapped. "What about Joseph? What about us? None of this fuckin' shit is fuckin' fair, Daryl! And they want me to prance around like everythin' is back to normal? Nothin' will ever be normal, Daryl! We lost our son!"
"So did Rick. So did Michonne. Carol lost Sophia, Aaron lost Eric, Gabriel lost his church people, Ezekiel lost Shiva; everyone has lost somebody here, Michaela, but they knew they had to move on or it'd destroy 'em...I lost Merle, I lost Joseph...I can't lose you, too."
"I ain't dyin', Daryl. Y'all made it perfectly clear that I had a reason to live, and I do, but it don't mean that I can 't be fuckin' depressed about it." I rolled my eyes and reluctantly climbed out of bed. "I'll be down in a few minutes."
"You're gonna go?"
"Do I got a choice in the matter? They're just like Negan when I first had to marry 'em; impatient and lackin' compassion." Daryl didn't respond, he just exited the room and shut the door behind him. I slowly got dressed in one of my stained oversized shirts and a pair of sweats. After putting on my shoes, I trudged down the stairs and walked over to Daryl, who carefully passed Harper over to Maggie. "Maggie? What are ya doin' here?"
"Siddiq said ya still haven't produced any breast milk, asked if I'd come over and help out some." Maggie explained. "I've got Jesus watchin' Hilltop with MJ. Gotta admit, he's been a great deal of help, nothin' like Merle." Maggie gently smiled. "Are ya ready for this?"
"No, but I ain't got no choice. I'm just glad they decided against the fuckin' cuffs this time."
"Everyone was just scared of how unstable ya were."
"And I'm stable now?" I scoffed.
"You're not, ya just ain't chaotic unstable."
"We gotta go." Daryl mumbled to me before gently rubbing the top of Harper's head. It was the first time I got a good look at her. She had very light and short hair on the top of her head and a long red scratch that stretched diagonally across her eyebrow, eyesocket, and part of her cheek. She was just a few days old and already scarred for life. I followed Daryl outside and alongside him as he lead me to the council room.
"Ya ain't held 'er yet." Daryl mumbled. "Barely ask about 'er, don't wanna look at 'er; what's goin' on with that?"
"I can't."
"I can help ya hold 'er until ya feel comfortable enough. I know it's probably gonna be a lil' harder since you're missin' half an arm—"
"No, Daryl, I can't do any of it. Between me goin' to see the council to determine my fate, I don't wanna get attached."
"Michaela—"
"I'm guilty, Daryl. I admitted to everythin' except the shit y'all accused me of doin' to Harlow, but I don't got any proof to help me with that shit, so I might as well be fuckin' guilty. You and I both know what happens to people like me, people who break the rules, people who kill for the sick thrill of it; I can't get attached because you and I both know that I'm as good as fuckin' gone." Daryl gripped my arm tight and forced me to stop.
"I won't let that happen, Michaela...ya know that."
"Ya may be part of the council, Daryl, but you ain't part of the trial. They're gonna do as they damn well please, and there ain't shit anyone can do about it." Without another word, Daryl and I continued towards the council room. He knew I was right, which is why he wasn't arguing, but I knew he was pleading for a miracle on the inside, as was I. I wanted so much to be with Harper, but I was afraid of what would happen if I did get attached. What if they kick me out? What if I'm sentenced to death? All these scenarios were running through my head and I couldn't think about them...I just couldn't.
We entered the old-church-turned-council-room and met everyone's gazes. They looked calm, and yet the obvious look of sympathy filled their eyes. Daryl helped me over to my seat and took his own in the one of the seats behind me. "How are ya holdin' up, Michaela?" Rick asked, but he got no response. "We'd all like to express our condolences; it ain't easy losin' anyone, especially your own child."
"Can we get this over with so I can leave?" The room fell silent. The council members looked at one another before giving Rick a nod.
"Okay." Rick sighed. "If no one has anythin' else to add, we will continue. Michaela, if ya wanna speak up in your own defense, you've got the floor." I didn't move. Gabriel passed a folded piece of paper down the row until it reached Rick, who carefully looked it over and folded it once more. "Michonne?" Michonne rose to her feet. "Was this a unanimous decision?"
"Yes." Michonne somberly nodded. "We, the council finds Michaela Dixon...guilty of all charges."
"Michaela? Do ya got anythin' to add?" I didn't answer. "Michaela, say somethin'; don't ya know what you're facin' for this?" I remained silent, causing Rick to sigh.
"We have a suggestion for sentencing." Aaron quickly stood up, causing everyone to turn and look at him, even me.
"Ya do?"
"We talked about it yesterday." Aaron nodded. "Considering the circumstances—"
"Oh, shut the fuck up!" I snapped. "I don't want your goddamn sympathy! I don't want anyone's fuckin' sympathy! Fuckin' sentence me and be fuckin' done with it!"
"Michaela!" Rick snapped before turning back towards Aaron. "Go ahead."
"Rick—"
"Your life is on the line, Michaela. You might not give a damn, but I do, and I'd like to hear his suggestion." The room fell silent. "Go ahead, Aaron."
"I— We talked about it yesterday; given the circumstances, we thought time served would be a fitting sentence."
"I'd agree, but unfortunately I can't...not all the way, at least." Rick turned to me. "Michaela, you've been through a lot, no one is denyin' that. From losin' your mom, seein' her husband commit suicide, goin' in and out of foster homes, bein' sold to a pedophile, havin' to kill two people at a young age; you've been beaten, you've been raped, you've seen and done things that no one should ever have to, but your past cannot be a constant excuse and ya got to own up to your actions.
You're sick, Michaela. All my years of workin' on the force back in King County, never have I come across such a disturbed person. If you were like this before all of this happened, I believe that you would've been arrested, tried, and either sentenced to a mental institution or death and the judge wouldn't lose any sleep over it."
"Rick!" Daryl began, but Rick held up his hand and silenced Daryl.
"However, we do not have access to a hospital that would be able to handle such a case and we have to work with what we got. Therefore, the sentence I pass on to you follows as such: you're to be stripped of your leadership title at the Sanctuary, you'll step down from the council, you'll have mandatory check-ins with a doctor, you'll be medicated, you'll be on probation for a year meaning no weapons or unsupervised trips outside the walls, six of those months being supervised community service. Any violation against your sentencing will result in punishment up to imprisonment, length of which varying on the severity of the violation. Any questions?"
"Wait, so you're not kickin' 'er out?" Daryl spoke up.
"No, I'm not, Daryl. I may be the one decidin' her fate here today, but I also am the one who has to take everythin' into consideration. She just lost her newborn son, she just buried 'em, who am I to kick her out after that?" Rick turned to me once more. "Michaela, did ya have any questions?" I didn't respond. "Michaela?"
"How has she been?" Aaron asked.
"I can't get 'er to eat." Daryl answered. "She ain't showered since we lost Joseph, she just lays there in bed."
"I will see to it that Michaela is taken care of." Rick reassured. "I'm sendin' Michaela away until her time has been served."
"But ya said—"
"I said I'm not kickin' 'er out, I didn't say where she would spend her punishment .I don't want 'er here where Negan is or at the Sanctuary where she will be tempted to violate 'er sentencin', and Hilltop is out of space due to them takin' in MJ and Elijah and the Savior refugees; Ezekiel has agreed to allow 'er to spend out the days of her sentence in the Kingdom and returned home late last night to prepare for her stay; he says you're more than welcome to accompany Michaela, Harper too, if she's given the okay to travel from Siddiq."
"She's healthy to me." Siddiq added from the back of the room. "I will be sending estrogen and progesterone tablets as well as bags of breast milk Maggie has kindly donated and a breast pump. My hopes is the estrogen and progesterone will help mimic the effects of pregnancy until she is able to produce milk on her own."
"Michaela, do ya agree to these terms?" I didn't respond.
"She does." Daryl answered.
"I need to hear it from her." The room fell silent. "Michaela? Do ya agree?"
"I-I wanna see Harper." I mumbled.
"You can when we're done, but I need an answer from ya. Do ya agree to the terms or not?"
"Y-Yes." I faintly nodded.
"You're sick, Michaela, ya need help. At the end of the year, we will have another meetin' and decide whether or not you're fit to be left unsupervised. Until then, this case is closed."
~~
I sat on the couch in silence, waiting for Rick and Daryl to arrive with mine and Daryl's things from the Sanctuary. I was still in shock from the sentencing. After everything that happened, I was expecting to be tossed out the front gates with nothing but the clothes on my back and a sayonara boot kick to the curb. Maybe I had truly judged these people the wrong way. I thought they turned their backs on me when I was with Negan, some did, but most stayed because they loved me. I never had love like this before; I never knew what it was like to have a true family. I took these people for granted...and I hate myself for it.
The faint sound of crying filled my ears; Harper was upstairs with Maggie. Slowly, I made my way up the stairs, following the sounds of her crying to the nursery Rick and the others had set up. "Hey." I softly spoke from the doorway. Maggie looked up at me from the rocking chair and smiled.
"Hey." Maggie softly spoke. "I heard you're leavin' for the Kingdom soon."
"Yeah, when Rick and Daryl get back." I nodded. "She alright?"
"Not sure. She's been fed, she's been changed, she's probably just fightin' sleep." I didn't respond, I just looked down at Harper and sighed. I made that...Daryl and I made that. She was cute in her own little crotch goblin way...I only wished Joseph was here, too. "Would ya like to hold 'er?"
"Me?" I asked. "Really?"
"Yeah, I mean, she is yours after all." I looked down at my stump and sighed. "Come, sit." Maggie got up from the rocking chair and motioned for me to sit. Taking my seat, she carefully laid Harper in my good arm and helped me rest my stump under her for support. "It'll come easier once Jadis finishes up your prosthetic, which I heard could be any day now." I didn't respond, I just looked down into Harper's grayish blue eyes and smiled. "She looks just like ya." Maggie smiled.
"Who did Joseph look like?"
"You."
"Really? You're not just sayin' that because ya don't want to admit he looked like Negan?"
"Okay, so he looked a little like Negan, but mostly you." Maggie chuckled. "He would've been an amazin' little boy."
"He was...he is. It's gonna take me some time...the pain won't ever go away, but but it'll be more manageable."
"And we'll all be here for ya, every step of the way." I looked down at Harper and instantly smiled.
"Hey, she stopped cryin'."
"Yeah." Maggie smiled. "I think she just wanted her mama."
"She knew I needed her just as much." I stroked my thumb against Harper's thigh and smiled. "I'm not goin' anywhere, Harper. Mama's here for good. Ain't nobody can take me away from ya. No human or walker...they'll have to kill me first." I gently pressed my lips to Harper's forehead as tears rolled down my cheeks. "Joseph and uncle Merle and the rest of our family is watchin' over us. We're gonna make it, Harper...we will survive."