Happy mid-week ya'll!
My quick updates are due to the fact that I am on sick leave so enjoy my misery haha 😂
Reading the instructions on the pregnancy test made me even more anxious than I already was.
My palms were sweating as I held the huge piece of paper, trying to focus on the words as my heart rate rose by second.
I haven't had to do this in years and last time I swore that the next time I will have to do one of these, I will be anxious because I will want it to be positive. Well, right now I feel like breaking down and crying by just thinking of it turning out positive.
My period was two weeks late.
Couple days ago I started to feel the cramps and bloating and I never felt happier about that kind of pain, and the actual start of my period had me in tears of joy... that was until the next day when it just died down and since then fatigue and constant pain had me on the edge ever since.
Being intimate was not getting any better. I didn't dare to say anything to Jared, so I swallowed my pain and took it like a real woman, but more often than not, he would notice and me being silent and in denial, Jared stopped nagging me to talk, which led him to stop initiating sex.
He was back in the studio with Shannon who returned from Nepal, and the crew, getting ready for the tour so we haven't really seen each other much.
He was rehearsing until way too late in the night and I woke up way too early for my work.
But now it was Tuesday evening and Jared was due to leave on Thursday morning which gave us about a day together... kind of.
As usual, he wasn't yet home and I was determined to wait for him and since he is leaving, there was no more time for me to procrastinate. I had to know.
The last few days I was in my head, locked away, thinking about all the scenarios if I turned out to be pregnant or if not.
Me personally, I was in love with Jared; in my head we are a forever couple and if I have to be unlucky enough in my life to get accidentally pregnant, I wouldn't mind that being from Jared, whom I love deeply.
As for Jared... I knew if there is ONE thing what could end my relationship with him is me getting pregnant... and keeping the baby.
My mind was racing through nights of wondering if I would have the heart to end the pregnancy without Jared even knowing about it, so I wouldn't cause him any trouble or stress. Or would I tell him and he would support me through an abortion? Is there the slightest chance he would want the baby? Would he be mad? Should I keep the baby and just leave?
I finally pulled the device out of the box when I heard the front door close.
My head jerked up like lightning as I shoved it back into the box and into the lowest shelf, right under my sanitary products.
Looking into the mirror, I took a deep breath as I freed my hair from the bun, ruffling it up then turned to walk out of the bathroom slowly.
"Hey..." I cleared my throat as I saw Jared in the doorway hanging his jacket up. "You're back early," I smiled with mixed feelings.
"Well... I wanted to spend some time together before I leave... of course if you don't mind," he peered at me questioningly as he kicked his shoes off.
"What kind of question is that?" I asked with a nervous smile as I walked towards him.
When I said we haven't seen each other, I meant it. I only saw him sleeping in the past two days and before that something just clicked in him and started giving a cold shoulder, probably because, unintentionally, I was low-key avoided him after he was trying to make me talk about the shift in my sexual behavior and basically in my whole personality.
Still he was here, wanting to spend our last day together and all I could think of was the pregnancy scare.
"Okay, look... I am leaving in a fucking day and I was ready to have this and tomorrow evening with you but before that just... I need to know," he started impatiently, his voice cold and demanding, "You read that Halsey is joining on stage, yeah? That's the problem, right?"
Looking at him stunned I gulped... In fact no, I did not know that, but thanks for giving me more excuses to feel anxious about.
"I... is there a reason that should be a problem?" I asked crossing my arms in front of my chest.
I couldn't care less at the moment but if this could be a reason of my behavior then I will just play along.
"Are you fucking kidding me? This is work, Avery!" he cried out frustrated, throwing his keys onto the kitchen counter, it slipped too far, falling onto the tiled floor with a loud puff.
"The best job ever; sensual dancing with your ex to a love song, night after night..." I muttered.
I had no idea where this came from... I didn't want to pick a fight and I honestly trusted him... I just desperately wanted to justify my behavior without having to tell the truth.
"I... I can't do this with you right now... every, single, fucking time... how many more times and how many more other ways you want me to prove I am fucking in love with you, you childish little brat; whose strategy is avoiding me completely before I leave again!" Anger took over his voice but his ocean eyes sparked with hurt and my heart broke watching him, not taking any of his words personally.
"I... it's not like that... I..." the battle in me just got worse.
"Not like that, huh?" he shouted. "Because you go to sleep every night at nine in the evening anyway, yeah? Because you suddenly don't enjoy anything you used to love when we make love! Because you just suddenly care so much of my sleep, you don't wake me up anymore to say goodbye when you leave!" his hands were in fists as he burst out, his jaw tensed as he turned away.
I looked at him in shock, tears welling up in my eyes. What do I do? How do I say?
Seemed like he was waiting for me to speak up, but I was speechless and scared.
"You know what, I don't know why I thought we could spend the evening together," he sighed, turning back to me. "I'm going home; I have a lot to pack and the last thing I want is a jealous little fuck fucking up my evening," his words of hatred came from pure sadness as his eyes turned darker.
I just opened and closed my mouth like a stupid duck, but I didn't dare to say a word right now, so all I could do was lowering my eyes not wanting to see him rushing by me and seconds later the door slammed shut.
My heart sank as I was left alone in silence.
A rush taking over me, I hurried to the bathroom to do that fucking test. I just wanna know. I need to know.
After just a minute I was pacing outside the bathroom, listening to my favorite music to calm my nerves as I waited for the three minutes to pass.
Quickly grabbing my phone I wrote a message to Jared with shaking hands:
I love you so much 😔❤️
I was just starring at the screen surprised by him typing already and scared of the coming message.
J❣️:
Good, because I left my fucking keys there
Then there was a knock on the door and my breathing stopped.
Fuck.
Stepping there and opening it, Jared sent a light smile to me as he stepped in, closing the door behind him.
"Av... I didn't... Oh my God, I'm terribly sorry for the words I said I..." when tears escaped his eyes I pressed my lips, trying to hold mines in.
Trying to laugh it off, he continued,
"Every time I am about to leave, all I can think of is how much I'm gonna miss you, and how I am such a desperate idiot, it's ridiculous," he chuckled again nervously and I just stepped to him, driving my hands around his waist as I leaned onto his chest.
"I've been thinking to just quit my job and be with you..." I admitted. "But... I... love what I do and I hate it..."
"I know..." he sighed. "If I weren't such an ass back then, I wouldn't have gotten you the job, but would have made a move already."
Smiling, I just kissed into his neck, and that is when the alarm went off on my phone.
Looking towards it, Jared did the same, letting me go.
"You have somewhere to be?" he asked, rubbing his face with the sleeve of his shirt.
I swallowed hard as I picked up the phone to silence it, looking back up to him.
"I.... shit... I... took a pregnancy test..." I stated, studying his face closely, watching it go pale and his big eyes grew even wider.
"Wh... what...?"
"I'm... two weeks... late, I basically didn't... get my... and... I haven't been feeling good for some time now..." I admitted, hugging myself around defensively.
"Jesus fuck, Avery..." all that's left Jared's wide open mouth and I looked away ashamed.
"I'm... sorry I haven't been honest, I... didn't want to... cause trouble, I... I barely wanted to admit it to myself."
By his silence I looked up just to see him exhale, running his hand through his messy hair as he turned his back at me.
He breathed in deep, resting his hands on his hips as he turned back.
"Is... And are you...?" he looked into my eyes, not even daring to say the word, which made my anxiety hit the ceiling, feeling sweat drops running down my back.
"I... I have to check..." I mumbled, squeezing my phone as I looked towards the bathroom.
"We were fucking stupid Avery... just... fucking oblivious..."
I nodded, lowering my head, knowing after this if it will be positive, we are over. I AM over.
"I need to see," he spoke up on a squeaky voice as he rushed past me and into the bathroom so fast, I couldn't even process.
Walking after him he was already standing there with the test in his hand, not needing any knowledge as the digital screen probably had the words say it all already.
Looking back at me his face lightened up, a smile growing on his face and for a split second I imagined the unimaginable; him saying "We are pregnant!".
"Not pregnant!" he grinned showing me the test and let out a deep breath, my eyes glued to the small screen. "Fucking hell you are giving me a heart attack for?!" he laughed nervously as he hugged me, kissing into my hair.
Hugging him back, I looked over his shoulder, watching the test and slowly it sank in.
Tears gathered in my eyes and I shamelessly let them fall as a small sob left my lips, holding onto Jared's shirt even stronger.
It's over.
It never started to begin with.
But that means that there has to be something else... But in that moment all I was thinking of is that everything is fine.
However, a small part of me mourned the thought of not being with child.
"Hey... hey, it's okay. Everything is fine," Jared soothed as he gently pushed me away to look at me, but my tears just kept on falling and I looked away. "What is it, Av?" he asked gently.
My feelings were all over the place and I just couldn't hold back anymore.
"I don't know... I just... just..." sniffing, I stepped away, trying to gather myself, wiping my tears. "I never... I never really thought of having kids you know... but the last week I was... the thought it's just... I know it would have been a mess if... if I was but... With you it's... if there was anyone I would want a baby with it's... It's you," I shrugged admitting it as I sat onto the edge of the bathtub.
"Oh, darling," Jared sighed, crouching in front of me as he caressed my thighs. "I... fuck I know we should have talked about this but... I figured we... still have time for that but maybe not. Look... I love you; so much. I have loved you for a long time now, and you know I love kids. And to be honest, I feel the same; if there was one person in this world who I would have loved to have kids with... is you, babe," smiling he caressed me face, holding my head up by my chin.
Looking at him stunned I felt my lips dry as my mouth hung open.
"You would be an... excellent mom. I mean, come on, who would doubt that?! And if we would have met... well we already did but, if we would have been together ten years ago, I swear to you I would have went for it and just swing it, it wouldn't have been impossible. But life just didn't think that way. Now I am close to hitting fifty and a child is not something I want to pursue anymore. It would be unfair to you, unfair to the baby on the long run. If you are thinking of wanting to start a family... if you wish to have kids..."
I knew where this is going... he is about to tell me to find a young gentleman to have kids with. Fuck him.
"Stop it," I laid my index finger onto his lips as some teardrops left by the realization... "I love you and I will not leave you and I most certainly am not interested in having anyone else's baby," I cracked a light smile to calm him. "It's not like I ever thought of wanting to be a mother either, you know..." I shrugged. "Having a human in you for months... then having to listen to them crying for eighteen plus years," I shook my head with a smile but Jared didn't seem to be in a joking mood, his gaze hung on me silently.
"Some little guy will loose the chance for a perfect Mother then... You know you would be perfect," he said, caressing my hair out of my face.
"They already lost a chance for a perfect Dad," I whispered with a sad smile as those annoying tears fogged up my sight again.
"Avery, ARE you sure?" he asked with a heavy breath.
"I am sure. We have so much more to experience together. First and foremost a long vacation when you are finally free," I smiled caressing his cheeks.
"Greece?" he asked with a light smile.
"Oh, yes!" I nodded excited as he stood up, pulling me too.
"A cabin by the sea? An own yacht? The sunshine and silence?" he continued picking me up into his arms.
"And scuba-diving... and paragliding," I grinned hugging his neck around.
He chuckled kissing my forehead as he placed me back onto my feet by the door.
"First things first. Put your shoes on, we are going for food. And I might need a wine after all this... what do you think?" he asked with a smirk.
"Uuuh!" I looked at him with shining eyes. "But... I look terrible," I whined.
"Fine, you have ten minutes, just because you really look rough," he laughed.
I sent him a desperate smile as I hurried to the bathroom to touch up... or basically redo my make up.
I knew this was a lot, I knew the effects of this conversation will hang in the air for some time but right now I needed nothing else than forget about it for some time. Even Jared seemed to be happy to change the topic as soon as possible but I was sure it will come back.
There were still a lot to discuss. I wanted him to know that I wasn't jealous and I was sorry for hiding my worries from him. And being relieved that I am not pregnant is one thing. Now there is to figure out the real reson behind my symptoms.
Once done, we only stepped out of the entrance of my apartment when photographers started to snap photos of us and I looked around stunned, pulling the sunglasses onto my nose.
"Shit... They must have followed me..." Jared muttered as he grabbed my hand, hurrying towards the car.
"They know where I live..." I inhaled as a photographer came close trying to ask questions.
"Jared, how long you two are together? Did you move in? Is it true you are with him to not get deported?"
I looked at the old man startled as Jared stepped in front of me.
"Dude, get out of her face! Do you want to keep your job? Do you? Then I suggest you keep your distance," he stated calm as a statue, daring the photographer to look him in the eye who hid behind the camera.
Jared kept an eye on the photographer until we both got into the car.
"What the hell was that?" I asked totally in shock.
"They come up with anything to get money for their photos. Don't worry, I'll handle them," he smiled encouragingly, squeezing my thigh.
How he handled these situation so well, I will ever be amazed.
The photographer followed us all the way to the restaurant hiding behind bushes and by early morning low-rated gossip sites were happily chewing on the rumor that my papers expired and I am illegally in the states but for some magic reasons Jared has all the power to keep me here; our relationship being a cover-up for the government.