Levi laid on his bed, eyes closed but unable to fall into slumber. This was nothing new. Ever since the incident 1 year ago, Levi's insomnia had been getting worse and worse.
Not a single night went by without being able to sleep properly. There are days when exhaustion finally overcomes his insomnia and his body forces itself to shutdown, but even then, he'd be woken up from nightmares of the tragedy.
The black circles beneath his eyes got bigger and darker, and despite all the efforts his friends are making, they continue to grow every night.
Levi let out a heavy sigh. Clearly, this night was going to be no different than any other. The young adult stood up and made his way to his simple kitchen, preparing to make a cup of tea with the new leaves Hanji had given.
"They're dried lavender. You can use it to make lavender tea. It's said to help with insomnia, so give it a try, okay?"
Levi quietly made a cup of the herb tea, slowly stirring the steaming drink as he blankly stared at the small pieces of the plant swirling in the middle of the cup.
It didn't take long for Levi to notice how relaxing the aroma of the tea was, and how it was slowly calming him down.
Damn you, Four-Eyes. Where do you find these things?
Levi never knew about all these various herb teas until a few weeks ago, which was surprising considering the fact that he was a tea addict. This was because he had always bought and drank the same thing, sugarless, black tea.
Levi brought the cup and sat down on a nearby chair, looking down at the bits and pieces of herbs floating around. He held the cup by the rims, bringing it to his mouth for a quick taste test.
Before the liquid even entered his mouth, Levi was interrupted by the sudden ringing of a phone. Steel eyes narrowed in annoyance as the phone continued obnoxiously ringing in the middle of the night.
Levi watched as his phone vibrated on the coffee table in front of his sofa, ever so slightly moving each time it buzzed. And after a solid minute, it stopped ringing.
Good riddance.
The raven brought his attention back to his untasted tea, bringing it to his lips once more. But not even halfway through his actions, the phone rang again and Levi slammed his cup on the table.
With just three long strides, Levi snatched his phone and swiped right, bringing the device to his ear.
"Fuck off," Levi snapped, clicking the red button before the caller even got a chance to finish their sentence.
"Levi, wai-!"
Levi watched as half a second later, his phone rang for the third time in the night. This time, Levi actually saw who the caller was and his eyes immediately widened.
He picked up.
"What happened, Annie?"
"Fuck you Levi. Why the fuck would you hang up on me?"
Levi clicked his tongue. "Bad timing."
"Bad timing? What? Were you fucking?" Annie scoffed from the other line.
"Get to the point."
"Fine. Don't lose your balls, but a few minutes ago..... (Y/N) woke up."
The raven stood rigid, eyes wide and body tense from the sudden news Annie had brought.
One whole year.
It has been one year since her deadly battle with Kenny.
It has been one year since she entered a comatose state.
It has been one year since she had been taken away from Paradis and brought to a secluded and safe place to receive intensive care without the danger of her identity being revealed.
One year..... of absolute torture for Levi.
"I told you not to lose your balls."
".....give the phone to her."
"...No can do. She's asleep right now."
"What? What do you mean she's asleep?!" Levi snarled, his voice raising drastically. "She's been asleep for a whole year!"
"Don't ask me cause I don't know and don't fucking shout at me! She woke up completely confused and then... said she was... tired and went back to sleep."
"Well what did the doctors say?"
"I- ... They checked her condition and said she was fine. If she was tired, then let her rest and they'll deal with it later when she wakes up."
Levi ran a hand down his face morphed with anxiety. "But... she will wake up again?"
"Yes."
The raven haired man sat down on his sofa, laying his head back in exhaustion. "When she does.... give the phone to her."
"Well, I'd have to ask the doctors first and-"
"Give it to her," Levi pleaded, silencing Annie with the desperation in his reply. "I just want to hear her voice. Please."
It took Annie a few moments to answer. "...alright. I'll call you then. You can go back to fucking now."
At this point, Levi was too tired to even deny her stupid assumption and simply let her hang up without saying a word. His chest hurt with bottled up emotions he'd been holding back for so long.
Flashes of memories began flowing back to Levi without his consent, forcing the young adult to close his eyes so that the tears won't fall down so quickly.
Back then, at times like this, Erwin was always there to accompany him. Of course, Levi didn't bawl into his shoulder and began crying senselessly, but his presence was enough to bring him comfort.
Erwin never forced Levi to tell what was on his mind. He never forced Levi to tell how he was feeling. He never left Levi's side even when the raven pushed him away.
Without even asking for it, Erwin was always there to help.
But now, he isn't. And it's all because of him.
A friend so close and dear to Levi was gone. And there was no one to blame other than himself.
How much more of a monster can he be? First, to attack his own girlfriend. Then, to kill one of his closest friend and maul his cousin to near-death.
Splitting images of Erwin pinned helplessly beneath the stronger wolf flashed before his eyes. Scoring claws and bites all over his body. Ripping open his stomach. Clenching down on his neck, hearing the many bones crack and watching as thick blood gushed out like water of a broken dam.
Bile rose in Levi's throat and he rushed to the bathroom, quickly emptying the little content in his stomach and into the toilet.
Levi was disgusted.
Disgusted by the vomit.
Disgusted by himself.
He hated everyone. He hated Erwin for not running away. He hated Mikasa for being so stubborn on protecting (Y/N) that she ended up nearly dying. He hated (Y/N) for trying so desperately to get him back, only to fail miserably. He hated Kenny for fighting (Y/N).
But most of all, he hated himself. He hated being born as a monster. And he hated the fact that he had become that monster.
A monster who lies.
A monster who betrays.
A monster who hurts.
A monster who kills.
How many have died because of his actions? And how many more will?
Levi truly hates himself with all his heart. By now, the thought of suicide must have crossed his mind a million times. Levi fights back the dark ideas alone- his personality, pride and anxiety making it so that he never opens up or reveal his weaknesses to anyone.
Even so, Levi can't deny it. One of the strongest reasons why he hasn't taken his life is because of (Y/N). His will to see her and hear the girl's voice gives him the much needed push to endure everything he's going through. Levi is more than willing to go through hell and pain to be with her once more.
His only fear is that (Y/N) no longer wished to be with him anymore.
Other than the fact that they had been separated for a year now, everything (Y/N) went through during the expedition was enough to make anyone go insane. Considering all of that, it wouldn't be a surprise if (Y/N) decided to leave and forget everyone and everything here.
Levi knew and understood the chances of that happening was incredibly high. He may be broken and depressed, but he still had his marbles. Anyone would leave after going through what (Y/N) did- it's the best thing to do.
But deep down, Levi feared for what might happen if the dreaded scenario actually become true.
His long and noticeably skinny fingers gripped the edge of the toilet tightly, his throat burning and his stomach aching as he fought back the urge to throw up once more.
Just thinking of having to live without (Y/N) was painful and nauseating. Levi shut his eyes, desperately trying to clear his mind and focus on controlling his rapid breathing so that he wouldn't puke again.
He's made enough of a mess.
After flushing the toilet and washing his face and mouth at the sink, the raven looked up to gaze at himself at the mirror.
His hair was messy and tangled, not to mention too long for his liking. His skin was paler than usual, making the dark circles look even worse. His steel eyes were dull and bland as he stared at the pitiful reflection staring back at him.
He looked hideous. Horrible. Disgusting.
Levi shook his head, giving his face a final wash before drying it with a towel nearby. He needed to stop letting his emotions go all over the place. The last thing he needs is the damn whispers making him lose control again.
The raven headed back to the table in the small kitchen, picking up his untouched tea and bringing it to his mouth.
He dranked a small amount and swallowed, a scowl quickly forming on his face.
"Tch. It's gone cold."
*
Annie hung up, placing the phone on the table beside (Y/N)'s bed that was riddled with different medication pills and tablets. The blonde girl turned around to meet the pair of tired and slightly confused (e/c) eyes that had been staring at her the entire conversation.
"I don't see why you didn't want to talk to him." Annie raised a brow at the girl who had been frantically motioning her to tell the person at the other end of the line that she had gone back to sleep.
"It's not that I don't want to," (Y/N) muttered, looking away. "It's just I.... I'm just so confused about everything right now...."
Annie remained silent for a few seconds, gazing at (Y/N) as she fiddled with the edges of her blanket.
"I'm going to call the doctors to check up on you. Once that's done, then we'll talk."