09. Nostalgie
Nostalgia
Alice sat on the edge of her bed, her makeup wiped off and embarrassment flooding her body.
Cauley watched her from across the room, his arms folded over his chest. Heat crept up her neck beneath his gaze. All was silent except for the quiet hum of piano and violin came from downstairs.
She was scared to break it, but she knew she had to.
"Cauley," she started, the tense atmosphere finally becoming too much. "Sorry... about all that. Can we just pretend it never happened?"
His expression remained neutral, his jaw set, and eyes narrowed. "If you want."
She paused. She wasn't expecting him to agree so easily. She cleared her throat and straightened her dress over her knees.
"Well, I'd better get downstairs." She let out an awkward chuckle. "What kind of hostess am I? Running to my room for a sob?"
"Always the perfect hostess, aren't you?"
She furrowed her brow at his sudden condescending tone. "It's not like I have a choice."
"Don't you, though?" He quirked a brow at her.
"I—" Alice huffed in defiance. "I don't, Cauley. And besides, it really is none of your business."
"So, you keep reminding me."
"And yet you never seem to get the message."
"Oh, I got the message, Travers." Finn's lip twitched up in a small smirk. "I just choose to ignore it."
"You're incorrigible," Alice spat. Annoyance stirred in her chest like she'd swallowed lava. Where had that Finn who hugged her on the floor as she cried gone?
She'd forgotten how good he was at pretending. At slipping into his old persona, like a fresh t-shirt each morning.
He cocked his head to the side, regarding her almost lazily. "No one's going to notice you're missing."
She rolled her eyes, sarcasm dripping from her tongue like venom. "Ouch, Cauley. That hurt."
"Oh, you and me both know that's all we want." He shook his head, a challenging smirk on his lips. "To disappear without anyone noticing."
He really liked to act as if he knew everything—as if he was always right. It infuriated her.
Alice swallowed, calculating her response carefully. "No one's forcing me to—"
"Be here, yeah. We've had this conversation before, Travers," he said. "For such a goodie-two-shoes, you really lie a lot."
Her mouth opened, ready to yell, to insult, but she snapped it shut. That was what he was looking for. She turned away, glancing down at her nails. Assessing her rings, like Finn wasn't even in the room with her.
"Hey." She shrugged coolly. "It's high society. Everything's a lie here."
He laughed, surprised at her response, and sent a one shoulder shrug. "You're right, Travers. I'll give you that."
She smiled at his laughter, feeling her shoulders relax, the tension vanishing from the room. She had to admit, it was nice having someone there who could understand—understand what it felt like to constantly play the role of the perfect child, greeting guests, and making small talk to keep your reputation.
Someone she could lightly complain to without hearing the same lecture of 'I'd kill to be in your position' or 'you should be grateful' over and over again. Like she didn't already feel guilty enough.
Sometimes she just needed a minute to breathe. To let things off her chest without fear of judgement. She sighed, her lips tugging up as she narrowed her eyes at Finn.
"I haven't spoken with you like this since—"
"Year Eight."
Alice's smile fell. "Yeah."
The room fell silent. Alice's gaze fell to her lap where she fought the urge to fiddle her thumbs—a flash of a deportment class ripped through her mind, her Russian teacher screaming, "Ladies do not fiddle zeir tumbs", a ruler whacked against her fingers.
"Well." Cauley interrupted their silence. "Don't you have a soiree to get to?"
Alice considered, then pushed her heels off and curled her legs onto the mattress. "They won't miss me."
Finn's brow raised and he scanned her with an impressed look. A smirk grazed his lips, his cheek dimpling in the lopsided smile.
"I didn't see Emily here today."
Alice quirked a brow. "Oh, so she's Emily now? You two are on a first name basis?"
Finn narrowed his eyes at her and said nothing, raising a brow.
"She's studying for that chemistry exam. She needs to do good in this one to make up for the last one," Alice said finally. She sent him a pointed look. "Speaking of which, shouldn't you be studying for that instead of making small talk at a party you hate?"
"I have a 100 in chemistry, actually," he said smugly, brow raised. "Shouldn't Emily be here, comforting her best friend that's currently under torment?"
Alice's smile fell, and her gaze moved to her lap once more. Finn watched her, then blinked in realisation.
"She doesn't know. Does she?"
"Actually, no one knows." Her eyes flickered up to meet his—unreadable. "Except you."
"I'm honoured."
"Shut up. If I had a choice, you wouldn't know either."
He was silent for a second, then, "Why doesn't she know?"
Alice sighed. "She wouldn't understand." She paused, taking in the silence before continuing. "She'd just tell me to tell my parents. She thinks because I'm a Travers, all my problems can disappear with the snap of my fingers."
Finn nodded, silent, waiting for her to continue.
"She doesn't get it. Neither does Theo. I've never been... so hated. If my parents knew..."
"They'd blame it on you."
Alice nodded. "My whole life I was raised to learn how to be liked. You know, all those deportment lessons. All those politesse and etiquette lessons. All these stupid parties. It was all to be liked."
"And if your parents found out, they'd say you were the one who's wrong."
Alice met his eyes. He searched her expression.
"I'm trying to ignore it," Alice said finally. "But I don't think it's going to go away."
Finn nodded. His brow furrowed as he thought. He pursed his lips, noticing the sag in her shoulders, then quirked a brow and sent her a smirk.
"This party sucks, let's get out of here."
Alice blinked, then scoffed. "This is my party."
His smirk grew wider. "Exactly."
She rolled her eyes, folding her arms over her chest.
"Well." Finley pushed off her wall and stepped towards the door. "If you want to spend the rest of the night making small talk with old men for your parents' sakes, be my guest."
There was something familiar about the way he mentioned about old men. Alice watched as he slowly made his way to the door, his hand grasping the door handle. He pulled it open, and Alice waited for him to turn around and look at her, but he simply stepped out and disappeared.
She blinked.
A moment passed.
Then, before she knew it, she'd slipped off the bed, pulled on her heels and followed after him.
"Changed your mind?"
Alice jumped at Cauley's voice, spinning to find him leaning against the wall beside her bedroom door.
"No," she stuttered out, though a blush crept up her neck at being caught.
He raised an unconvinced brow at her answer and turned to begin walking down the grand staircase. "I guess I'm on my own then."
Alice followed, falling in step beside him. The party had moved into the parlour and game room, leaving the pair to themselves as they descended towards the main entrance.
"It's past my curfew, anyway."
"Right, your curfew," Cauley teased. "Can't miss that."
Alice said nothing. They reached the main door, which Cauley heaved open. He stepped out, turning to see Alice watching him, still inside.
He nodded towards the road. "Well, Princess, are you coming?"
Alice chewed on her bottom lip. "If I were to break my curfew... where would we go?"
Cauley smiled cockily at her. "It's a surprise."
She wondered if he remembered how much she hated surprises. Based on the way the corner of his lips tilted teasingly at her, she suspected he did.
Yet, she pursed her lips and, throwing a final glance behind her, she stepped out onto the porch.
"I guess if it's just this once."
He smirked, as if already expecting her answer, and turned to the pavement. The valet was already waiting, having seen them at the front door. He grabbed his car keys, unlocking the sleek Tesla. Alice blinked, sliding into the passenger seat as the engine hummed to life.
"New car?"
Cauley shrugged. "Mother and Father dearest are pleased with my newfound effort in attending social events. It's how us Cauleys show our love."
Alice scoffed, but said nothing, knowing her parents probably would've done the same to her.
They drove in silence, mansions and closed residencies passing as they headed higher into the hills. Houses turned into forests and meadows, and the lights that blotted out the stars faded to darkness.
Eventually, the car began rolling to a stop beside a thick row of trees.
"You're not driving me here to murder me, are you, Cauley?" Alice teased warily. "Because I know we haven't been all friendly these past few years, but I didn't think it was murder-worthy."
Finn laughed, shaking his head. "Give me a minute, I need to grab the chloroform from the trunk."
Alice rolled her eyes, but a smile remained on her face. Finn turned the wheel, pulling the car into park in a small clearing by the trees.
"Come on," he said, gesturing out of the car. "I won't murder you 'til we get back. I swear."
Alice raised a suspicious brow but unbuckled her seatbelt and slid out of the car. Finley had already stepped in front of the car, so Alice followed, her shoes sinking into the leaf-covered grass.
"So, what's this creepy place you've—"
She paused, her eyes settling on the view in front of them.
The first thing that hit her were lights.
Alice didn't live far from the heart of Sydney. Her dad's business rested in the city after all. Except houses like the Travers' didn't exist in the city, and her mother, after growing up in the middle of an overcrowded city, hated to be there.
So, they lived further east. Where they could vaguely see the skyline if they found a high enough spot. Alice had never searched, had never had the time to, but Cauley—He'd found it.
City lights of all colours shone brightly from speeding cars and towering skyscrapers. In the distance, stars glittered, specking the sky around the moon—large and bright, a spotlight in an ocean of black. Alice inhaled sharply, her eyes wide.
"The city."
She was vaguely aware of Cauley nodding beside her.
"It's beautiful," Alice remarked, swallowing thickly. She blinked in the lights, suddenly feeling tiny. Tiny like a speck of dust, merely a molecule in a universe of stars. She laughed bitterly. "I think I'm having an existential crisis."
Cauley laughed loudly at her. "I did too when I first came here."
He paused, the pair watching the city move in silence. Cars sped past, stars twinkled, even tiny ants of people strolled the streets. The city was bustling with life while Alice and Finn watched on quietly, miles away.
"It's like, we don't really matter up here. No one knows we're gone. Everything just... keeps moving on without us," he said, his voice sounding far away.
Alice found herself nodding. She pulled her eyes from the lights to face Finley only to find him already looking at her, his eyes gentle.
"I love it," she said, a large smile tugging on her lips, pulling at her cheeks.
His lips tugged up at the corner in a lopsided smirk, his eyes focused on her. They could hear the cars speeding through the city, the rumble of airplanes overhead, yet the city seemed to drone out around them.
His eyes shone a dark blue, the stars and city lights reflecting in them. Alice tucked a strand of inky black hair behind her ear, subconsciously inching closer. Her eyes flickered to his lips, then back to his eyes.
Like snapping out of a trance, Finn blinked, his smile disappearing. He turned back to the city, and Alice felt her heart sink.
She stepped back, swallowing thickly, the tense cloud resettling over the pair. She turned to stare back out at the city, releasing a chuckle to try loosening the atmosphere.
"I wonder if you can see Sierra Grammar from here."
She paused, but Finn stayed quiet, not picking up her small talk and continuing the forced conversation. She twisted her finger around a thick strand of hair, feeling unusually nervous and awkward.
"I think I can see our parents' offices. Then again, all those office buildings look terribly dreary."
She paused again, finding it surprisingly difficult to make small talk. All those years of deportment classes, and yet she was feeling strangely jittery.
"It's a little chilly up here, isn't it? I guess winter is—"
"Will you shut up?"
Alice started, taken aback. Finn spun to her, his eyes narrowed and glaring, his brows bunched together in irritation.
"Excuse me?" Alice finally stuttered out.
"Stop with that fake shit!" he spat. "Talking about the weather and the view—"
"It wasn't fake," Alice defended herself, folding her arms over each other. "I'm making conversation."
"Oh, come on Alice," he ranted. "We attended the same deportment classes. We sat through the same etiquette lectures. We were given the same prompts and calculated topics. It's carefully planned conversation—fake."
"I—" she stuttered, frustration growing in her chest. "What's wrong with small talk?"
He scoffed in breath which morphed into a condescending laugh. "Right. I forgot, you love that fake shit, don't you? That explains your friends."
Alice gasped, her eyes wide and jaw slack. She stepped forward, raising her voice. "My friends are not fake. Are you really going to do this, now—"
"Oh, please. Emily? She's—"
"Don't act like you know her. Don't pretend you never left us—"
"I know her more than you do, apparently!" He was yelling now and Alice felt anger hot in her chest, bubbling and bubbling and bubbling up until her voice was as loud as his.
"Don't you dare—"
"Dare what? Tell you the truth?"
"It's not the truth! You don't know anything about my friends!"
"Neither do you, apparently."
"Stop it! Stop talking about them like that or—"
"Yeah, what are you going to do?"
"I—"
She paused; her mouth suddenly dry for words. They had somehow stepped closer to each other during their argument. Her breath hitched in her throat. His eyes had turned dark as he narrowed them at her, challenging her.
Alice glared at him, then huffed.
"Take me home."
She didn't wait for an answer, storming towards the car, her short heels kicking up dirt and gravel with each stomp. She ripped the car door open, sliding into the passenger seat and buckling her seat belt.
Finn followed after a moment, his jaw set. He didn't say a word as he slammed his door shut, starting the engine and speeding onto the highway.
Alice glared out the window, her arms folded, watching as forests turned into houses which quickly turned into mansions and eventually her house.
They pulled through the gates without a word, Finn driving past the main entrance and pulling to a brake at the back door—the kitchen entry.
She pursed her lips. She was late. It was past curfew. If she'd entered through the main door, her parents would definitely been notified by the maids. The kitchen would be empty by this time. It was safe, and Finn had taken it into account.
She wanted to scream at him, like he was playing some cruel prank on her, because suddenly she was back to Year Seven.
She was back to a thirteen-year-old Finn Cauley sneaking through the kitchen entrance. She was back to her, Finn, and Emily, screaming and giggling in the streets, pretending for a night that they were regular kids.
Finn had been pretending about more than just that.
And now she was back to sneaking through the kitchen entrance. She was back to that pretend Finn Cauley, the one who made sure she wasn't in trouble for breaking curfew.
She wanted to hate it.
Swallowing her thank you, Alice kept her mouth shut as she stepped out of the car. She threw all her strength into slamming the door as hard as possible and storming to the entrance.
Before she'd even opened the kitchen door, the sound of Finn's car speeding away ripped through the air.
She threw herself onto her bed. She wanted to hate him. She wanted to call him back and scream at him until her throat was sore. She wanted to despise him, like she had the past four years of her life.
But she realised with a start, she didn't.