My mother wants me to skip school the next day, a strange reversal of our usual positions. She keeps telling me that I need rest and that I stayed up way too late last night (if only she knew), but we're starting a lab today in Advanced Chemistry and I have a Trig test.
Plus I'm fine. Totally fine. The hospital wouldn't have sent me home if I wasn't fine.
Right?
I just can't seem to get the smell of smoke out of my brain, like it's been seared into my nostrils or something. Connie makes pancakes for breakfast and I can't even focus on the smell of butter and sugar wafting into the kitchen. All I can think about is how easily the pan could catch on fire. I focus on taking deep breaths. The house is not going to go up in flames. Everything is fine. I'm fine. When I see an text alert break through the darkness of my phone screen, I'm overwhelmed with relief for the distraction.
Noah: leaving in 20
see you soon & get excited bc i have a surprise for you
I put my phone back into my pocket and try to force myself not to look over at Jase. Last night was... well, it doesn't feel real, even now, like the memories are hazy and blurred. Like they never even happened at all. And Jase isn't exactly doing much to make the whole thing more real- he's been ignoring me all morning, reaching around me for the coffee pot almost like I didn't exist. Even now as he gets up from the table, the last person to leave excluding me, I don't get so much as a glance. I have to admit, it does sting a little bit, even though it never really meant anything anyways. Him driving me. He was just doing it because his mom told him to, and besides, I have Noah now, anyway. Noah doesn't drop me off 15 minutes away from school because he doesn't want to be seen with me.
I get up to take my plate back to the kitchen and almost smack straight into Jase as he turns the corner, but we both back up at the same time. "Are you coming, Red?" he asks, still not looking at me. "We're going to be late if you don't hurry up."
Is this Jase's way of asking if I want a ride? Because I thought it was somewhat agreed upon that we didn't do that anymore. Though, I guess we're 'friends' now or whatever.
Why does this all have to be so confusing?
"Yeah, give me five minutes," I mutter, darting away to put my books in my backpack. A flash of guilt shivers through me, thinking of Noah, of how he was supposed to pick me up. But I really don't want him to have to go out of his way when Jase can just take me with him...
I unlock my phone and text Noah back:
Dw about getting me. Had to go in early for math. CU in class!
I press send and feel the guilt that's been welling up inside me peak, sending hot flashes of what feels like actual pain through my chest like I've just been dropped from a 5 story building. I need to grip the counter for support, some primitive, stupid part inside of me afraid that if I let go, the guilt will break me apart like grains of sand on a windy day.
But there's no reason for me to feel bad. At all.
So then why did I lie?
"You know, you do have to talk to me eventually. We literally live in the same house, ignoring me isn't going to work."
"I'm not ignoring you," Jase responds coldly, his face still looking away from me and out the window as he steers the car around a bend. "I'm just not feeling very talkative."
"Jase... I have literally never once in my life seen you not in a talkative mood. As your friend," I say, emphasizing the word to remind him, "I want to know what's going on."
"What do you think is wrong?" he asks, annoyance edging into his voice. I shrink back instinctively. "I just told you something I don't tell anybody and it was insanely stupid of me."
"Who on earth am I going to tell?" I ask, getting a little bit angry. "And besides, it's not my fault that you have no idea how to keep things to yourself."
The car swerves a little bit, and the sudden motion makes my head throb. "Careful, Jase. You might get a DUI if you crash."
I can tell I've hit a nerve by the way he grips the steering wheel tighter. "You better not tell anyone, or I swear-"
"Why do you think I'd tell anyone? I'm not that kind of person, Jase."
He seems to soften a little bit, though I don't know why. "Because why should you? I've been nothing but an ass to you, and so you have every reason not to trust me- to want revenge or something like that."
"When have I ever shown you that my personality is like that?" I ask, turning away. "You were the one who wanted to be friends in the first place, not me. I thought you at least had some idea of what kind of person I was."
"Red..." Jase pulls over, and for a brief moment, I think it's because he actually wants to talk to me. But no. This is the same place he's dropped me off every single other day. I can't believe I honestly thought things would change. No matter what I do, Jase will always be Jase.
I turn and slam the car door open, snatching up my bag from the floor of the car. "Bye, asshole."
"Red, stop!" he says, grabbing my wrist before I can get out of the car.
"What?"
He looks like he wants to say something to me, but just shakes his head, running a hand through his hair like he does when he's nervous. "Nothing. Just... please be careful today, okay? I don't know who in their right mind decided it would be a good idea for you to come back to school today, but you almost just died in a fire. No one's going to get mad at you if you need a break. And-" he opens his mouth to say something, but apparently thinks better of it. "Just... be careful," he says. "Today especially."
"Okay..." I say, the confusion probably written all over my face as I close the door. 'Just be careful, especially today?' What on earth is that supposed to mean?
Does Jase know something he isn't telling me?
The second my beat-up converse shoe touches the UVPHS tile floor, it seems like everyone's eyes turn to me, moving aside in the hallway while I walk past. Their eyes are drenched in pity, wide and pouty like- like the first day, three years ago. The first day after. The pitying gazes haunted me like they were my father's ghost. It was enough to make any girl wish she could be invisible. And now it's happening again. Even Nalah James and Katie Newman separate when I walk past them, stopping their gossip to stare at me, Nalah even offering up 'sweet' condolences.
I hate it. I hate it all. I was an idiot to think that no one would know about what happened on Friday, but I guess I underestimated how quickly news travels with a bunch of bored high school girls.
Trying to ignore the stares, I finally make it to my Physics classroom, taking a spot in the very back instead of my usual front row seat. I don't even look up when Mayah walks in. Knowing that out of everyone, she's ignoring me... well, it's just going to make everything worse.
The room feels hot. Everytime I look over at where my Physics teacher is writing on the chalkboard, my throat constricts thinking of how I should be paying attention to my surroundings, not her. What if the flame comes from another heating duct? Or she forgot to unplug a lamp and it short-circuits? Or- or-
"Miss Brown? Would you care to recite Snell's Law for us because you're obviously enough of an expert that you don't need to listen?"
A thousand eyes turn on me, and I jolt upright. Was I really zoning out that obviously? "Um..." I try to think through the recesses of my brain to remember what the hell she's talking about. Snell's Law? I'm pretty sure it has something to do with concave angles, but I don't know anything else.
"Snell's Law states the ratio between the sines of the angles of incidence and the wave's refraction will be constant when it passes between two given media," Mayah interrupts, giving me a small smirk before looking back to Ms. Pine.
"Excellent, Mayah. Now if only our whole class could remember that..." Ms. Pine says, staring directly at me with so much annoyance, I can taste it in the air. I want to say something, to defend myself, but my mouth feels like it's full of peanut butter and I can't open it. When did this happen? When did I go from being the favorite student to the one who didn't know the answers- and since when is Mayah the one to correct me?
This is all wrong.
Somehow, I manage to make it through Physics and Trig, made a lot easier by the fact that the entire west wing is under repair, meaning I'm not forced to sit in the classroom where I almost died 4 days ago. I sit next to Noah and his friends at lunch- on the opposite side of the cafeteria from where Mayah and Ethan sit with a giant group of people, all laughing and talking loudly. But whatever. It's fine.
Noah, to his credit, is probably the one thing holding me together right now. He even brought me cupcakes- and in front of everyone at the table asked me to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend.
I've never been anyone's anything before.
The lunch period passes in a surreal blur, and I think I've done so much laughing and smiling that my head might explode. Literally. The pounding feeling is so dizzying that I can hardly walk straight and it's a wonder no one calls the cops to breathalyze me. But it's fine. I'm fine.
At least that's what I tell myself.
"Alright, class," Mr. O'Connell begins, going on to explain the lab we're doing today. Usually I love chemistry, love the way we can break down every single thing happening in our world to atoms and bonds, electrons transferring between metals and nonmetals. But today, it's taking all of my energy not to fall asleep. There's been a dull throbbing in my head since the beginning of the day, and all the energy I spent talking to people at lunch has left me drained and exhausted.
"And for partners, we have... Leo and Alison, Kent and Jase..." Mr. O'Connell reads off of his pre-prepared list. "Sienna and Chrissa."
Jesus christ. This is not going to go well.
As I slowly walk over to the lab bench, each of my feet seeming to be attached to leaden weights, I see Chrissa sitting there primly, her face more smug than a cat that knows it's about to catch a mouse.
Gulp.
Jase grabs a bottle of acid from the counter next to Chrissa before leaning over and whispering something in her ear. She flinches, glaring at him, then back at me, then at him. "I won't," she mutters through gritted teeth. "And you don't own me, Jase." Shaking out her long, silky brown hair, she turns back to me. "We're going to have a lot of fun together, you and I."
"Chrissa, seriously, I'm really not in the mood," I say, the exhaustion surely showing in the tension on my face. "What did I ever do to you?"
"Nothing," Chrissa says, her eyes gleaming. "And I need it to stay that way. I'm just trying to keep you in line."
I... don't even know how to respond to that, so I just look down at my lab procedure, the letters swimming in and out of my focus in spirals as my vision contracts and expands.
But I'm fine. I'm not going to have a panic attack, I'm not going to pass out, I'm fine.
Chrissa starts adding the two liquids together, and I start to ignore it. The room is sweltering, even hotter than before, I could swear it. Instinctively, my gaze moves to the heat vent, almost exactly like the one that caused this whole damn mess in the first place. There's no fire coming out of it, per se, but the whole area around it seems a bit... hazy, I think. Though that's probably just my imagination.
But what if it isn't?
It smells like smoke in here. And not the good kind- the warm campfire kind of smoke. No, this is the kind that kills, the kind that stops you in your tracks. And it's dizzying.
"Um, hello?" Chrissa asks, snapping her fingers in front of my face. Right. Because she's still here.
"Yes?" I ask, just the slightest bit embarrassed about her catching me completely out of it. I just can't be bothered to care. Walking over to the sink, I fill up a test tube with water and then a small sample of our aluminum nitrate, then walk back to our lab bench.
Jase's eyes are on me the whole time.
Finally, I reach the bench again, sighing in relief that I can sit down- at least until I trip over the leg of my chair, knocking myself onto the floor and completely shattering the test tube.
Great. Because this whole day wasn't already bad enough.
By the time I've finally finished sweeping all of the shards of glass up, the charred smell is even stronger, so strong that it can't be my imagination anymore. My heart pounding, I sit up, looking over at Chrissa, who has the most satisfied look I've ever seen on her face- then down at my lab paper.
And gasp.
Because the paper is now being completely, entirely consumed by flames.
"Oops," Chrissa says, her eyes wide.
A/N: Hey guys! I hope you're all having a great, not-super-stressful Monday! Everything here is covered in a blanket of snow, it's super pretty and romantic- just in time for Valentine's Day!
I had hoped to make this a double update, but I was crazy busy last week and then I got sick :( So I guess y'all are just going to have to wait another week to see what happens next!
Also I feel like I always qualify my chapters and say that they're 'super bad' but I was legitimately delirious and sleep-deprived when I wrote this, so I feel like it's justified. I always have to resist the urge to go back and edit all of these chapters because I'm trying to just have a rough draft and get all the words on paper and finish it before June! Which actually isn't that many weeks away (aaah!) so I need to step up my game!
Also- do you guys have any plans for Valentine's Day? I know that I'll be spending my night with the love of my life, this story (haha fun fact: it's actually titled 'loml' in my drive 😂 so my parents don't figure out what it is)
Thanks for reading this chapter and have a great week! 💝
-Lemon Zest :)