3// “If I Had A World Of My Own”
Complete and utter confusion, surprise and fear ripple through my body pooling in the nerve endings of my body. This was Alisa? She had naturally blonde hair, something that I had never seen on a girl before. Every girl in school back home claimed they had blonde hair when they had darker than dirt roots. Alisa was slender with a petite figure, her skin milky and smooth even from here. She kept up her cussing through the door of the lounge room, not even attempting to open the damn thing and shout down the hallway. Her voice raised and furiously, clearly not embarrassed by what she was doing. My eyes involuntarily widened and if ever there was a time I was stunned to silence it would have been now.
“Michael close your mouth you look like you’re trying to catch flies” Jaxon whispered to me as him and James reset the board. Alisa kicked the door before shuffling her feet to the far right corner of the room where a tall stool sat untouched. She hopped up and sat cross legged on it and lowered her head till her face was completely hidden in hair. Her hands grasped the seat as her shoulders stood rigid. Should I go and talk to her? Introduce myself? Ask for her name, even though I already knew what it was. Did she notice that I was here?
She wasn’t a kid she looked around my age, about seventeen if I had to say exactly.
“Go on Michael. Say hi” Jaxon urged me in a hushed whisper, “she doesn’t bite”
“Are you sure?” I hissed back making sure that she remained sitting quietly
“She likes new people, just go say hi and be friendly”
I didn’t really want to be friendly. Her crazed eyes had made me cower back in fear. Jaxon, James, Blondie and Cherry had been short on what they had said. She was scary. That’s when I heard her muttering. Low in a rhythm and in a funny kind of language. I got up from my seat and took cautious steps towards where she sat cross-legged on the stool. What should I say? She continued to talk the funny language,
“Twas drillig did slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all momsy were the borogroves and the mome raths outgrade”
I was about two feet away from her and was about to say something when she snapped her head quickly to face me which caused me to jump a little and almost step back to the couch. She pushed the curls out of her face and folded them behind her ears. She had a delightful face that was rounded at the cheeks, but quite sharp overall. She had fleeting blue eyes and full lips. Even though my first impression of her was fearful, I could tell this much, she was beautiful. I don’t think I wanted to go home.
I don’t believe in love at first sight. But when I saw Alisa, with her hair out of her eyes, her touchable hair, I for a long second believed that it was true. Her face had no mark on it, even more porcelain than Cherry’s, almost as though she was a doll. Her blonde hair sat in playful ringlets that looked like mellow sunshine. Suddenly my previous thoughts of her diminished, I was no longer afraid I was...
“Hi” I said sheepishly stepping forward and trying to look her in the eye. Her gaze was already there, at my face, her sky blue eyes were boring into mine with a fascination that was almost hungry. So much for not speaking first, I wondered if she would actually behead me or…get naked.
“Why hello” she said sweetly, okay so far so good. I had not realised that I has been holding my breath for so long, my chest deflated as I let out a long sigh. “I have not seen such vibrant emerald eyes on anyone like you before”
“My eyes?” was all I could say, but I couldn’t help with staring at her as fervently as she did to me. I came even closer to her so that I could look at her better.
“Yes you have such marvellously stunning eyes, green like the forests of Wits End. Then you must be the Hatter!” she beamed wide like a moon crescent.
“Hatter?” I questioned, my heart suddenly not attached to any blood vessels.
“Why of course! You are the Mad Hatter” she continued to smile. I looked behind me to see that Jaxon, James, Blondie and even Cherry who had been fervently cleaning, were all staring at us with equal expression of confusion, mischief and fear.
“The Mad Hatter?” they all said to Alisa in unison in the same tone. Alisa it seemed was not fazed by what they had said,
“Did anyone call that?” Blondie asked dumbfounded, an expression I’m sure was a rare thing for her.
***
Girls and boys were split up here at the institute. It was a new rule, only a year ago did two patients on the upper levels sleep together, they both got HIV and died. I would have recited it with a little more sympathy but that’s exactly how Blondie said it, with no sympathy.
“Congratulations you’re officially one of us” she remarked a few weeks later. My nights had been sleepless, full of demons and living nightmares. I shared a room with Jaxon and James who were no comfort since both of them were accustom to random outbreaks of anger, they kept having night terrors and screaming at the top of their lungs.
We were woken up every morning at seven ‘o’ clock on the dot and sent to the dining area where we ate tasteless food and we all got the same amount. This institute felt more like something from the 60’s more than something from the 21st century. I was given a paper thin hospital gown and a set of sheets to make my own bed. I had unpacked my suitcase but kept my duffel bag full. Who knows if I had to make a run from this place. I wanted a backup plan if things went south.
I hadn’t seen much of Alisa since my first day. Apparently she had her own room and was one of the institutes heavily guarded patients. She occasionally wandered in and out of our lounge room, muttering and singing to herself as she usually did in that funny language that no one could understand. She never attended meal times accept for breakfast which made me wonder how or where she got her other meals from. There was something about the way she carried herself, the curl of her blonde hair. The way that she stared so deeply into oblivion I wanted to follow her. Why I was so infatuated with her was beyond me. She was just as crazy as the rest of us…maybe even crazier. I’d spent hours trying to construct my opening sentence to her, our opening conversation. Making sure that I used the right terms, that I used the rights names, that I didn’t insult her. My heart leapt every time I saw her, even if it was just a glimpse.
Because we were in remission it was compulsory that all patients did two therapy sessions a day, one with the group and then one on one with a trained psychologist. The first one was almost straight after breakfast and we continued through till lunch and then we all had different times when we saw our private psychologist. However on Wednesdays and weekends we were free to do whatever we wanted. Activities were set up for some of us to go on field trips, but they were mostly for the kids on level three and below. And because we usually did things together as a dormitory I wasn’t holding out on the hope of a field trip any time soon. Or if we preferred a nice stroll through the institute’s gardens that consisted of tall oak trees and cute little flower gardens that were kept by the patients on the floor below us.
The therapy sessions here were almost just like the movies said. We all introduced ourselves, how old we were and what our diagnosis was. Then we would go and talk about how we were going, what we were looking forward to in the future. Since we did therapy sessions with Dorms 21 and 22 on level 7 we were all a pretty miserable bunch to discuss our futures with.
Although I can’t say it wasn’t entertaining. Blondie was the therapy groups clown, she was always joking and kidding around. No one ever told her to stop because she wouldn’t listen. Sociopaths tended to have little to no emotional capacity so she did away with secrets, lies…all lies, sick jokes about killing ourselves or over dosing on morphine. James and Jaxon always had random outbreaks of anger, although our group therapist Hillary never minded, just continued to smile.
To this day I have no idea how the nurses and doctors always managed to smile. Maybe they had daily injectable Botox’s that made you smile. Whatever it was, I knew that I needed some. My depression had almost gotten worse since I’d been here. The only other person who had depression in our therapy group was an eleven year old girl named Sara from Oklahoma who had seen her mother murdered whilst her father the coward that he was let it happen. She ran away and lived on the streets for about a month before the Institute took her in. They’re currently working on finding any other relatives that she can connect with after she gets out of here.
And as for me? Well they watched me like hawks. All of them. Cherry who would steal glances my way as she constantly cleaned, Blondie with her unchaste grins, Jaxon and James the ‘twins’ always mumbling to themselves. The nurses that I saw daily walking to and from the cafeteria, other manic patients strapped to beds, even once when Alisa had walked past me in the corridor towards my private psychology session, she continued to glare at me from halfway down the hall. It kept me on my toes, keeping my head down.
However after almost a month living here I noticed some strange things as the weeks went by. Boxes bound with yellow and red tape stacked up in the corridors, every piece of cutlery was smooth and rounded and there weren’t even any knifes to eat with when we had meals, Alisa didn’t normally wear bras and when she did they were of a very vibrant colour and pattern.
“One of you?” I asked as we were all headed towards the lounge room before we were herded like cattle to therapy session.
“Of course Hatter” Blondie grinned, “welcome to Wonderland” she said in a fake English accent. I rolled my eyes and tried to laugh it off, but something told me that she wasn’t kidding.
“Well who are you then?” I asked her as we sat down on the red couch and switched onto Breaking Bad.
“The Cheshire Cat” she turned to me and grinned wide just like…the Cheshire Cat.
“I don’t know why” she raised an eyebrow and turned up the volume. Jaxon and James were already playing Star Trek: The Next Generation Trivia and Cherry was ordering the books on the shelf in the order of their printing date. Today she was wearing only yellow, right down to her lipstick, fingernails and even the ribbon holding up her hair were all the same shade of yellow.
I looked around the room for Alisa and saw that she wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
“Where’s Alisa?” I asked.
“She has twice as many therapy sessions as us normal kids” her smirk never wavered. Normal kids? Right.
Nurse Carrigan barged into the room a few strands of hair flying away from underneath the cap she wore, her face in a flustered look of disapproval.
“Blondie remember no drug involved TV shows”
“That’s like, every TV show” Blondie complained as the TV was switched off.
“Well than you won’t watch any TV shows” Nurse Carrigan snapped, “Jaxon! James! No trivia games. You know they both set you on edge” her fake sweet smile returned.
“And Cherry dear, can you please put the needles back in the order that they were in?”
“They were not descending order of size” she seethed at the nurse.
“Do it and I’ll let you fix the uniform cupboards” Nurse promised, Cherry’s face lit up in delight,
“Now I want the rest of you to find something else to do” Nurse Carrigan continued.
***
I began walking the hallways of the institute by myself. Wandering aimlessly, no one bothered me as I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans and just walked around. The scars on my arms exposed to the light that was let in by the side windows. However the sunshine was broken by the iron bars that were stuck to the inside of the building. How…morbid. After walking around for what seemed like an age I found a familiar head of blonde curls sitting by one of the windows staring into space. I wasn’t sure what to do at first. I really wanted to talk to her. To engage with her on some sort of level. I wonder if she remembers me. Well if I did go up and talk to her how should I do it? Since she thought she was in Wonderland maybe she didn’t like being called Alisa. She was the main character in her own story after all, so her name would have to be…Alice…right?
She was still staring into oblivion when I approached her. She was wearing the same clothes as yesterday and the smell of roses was so strongly emitted from her I had to grab the wall to stop my world from spinning.
“Is your name Alice?” I asked her cautiously. Alisa looked up and snapped out of her daze,
“I admire your shrewdness, Hatter” she gave me a smile, something that I could tell was a rare thing. So she did remember me.
“I have been most anxious to speak with you” Alisa started,
“Me?” I spluttered.
“Indeed” she stood up and took a step towards me. Oh my god she was perfect. If she leant into my right now she would we would fit perfectly. I would rest my chin on top of her head, her cheek on my chest.
“Alice” I began quietly, “can you show me the other…people?”
“Show you my dear Hatter?” she furrowed her eyebrows together, “have not you met in merriment with them?”
“I have, but I think you understand them more than anyone”
The shadow of a smile appeared at the corners of her mouth. She gestured for me to follow her along the corridors until we reached the therapy session room. Oh shit, I had lost track of the time. Alisa pulled down one of the blinds and we looked into the circle that consisted of Blondie, Jaxon, James, Cherry, Hillary who was in charge of our therapy sessions and other patients from Dorms 21 and 22. I felt Alisa press up beside me, her heat and warmth seeping through my clothes and into my skin. Suppressing the shiver that ran down my spine I looked through the blinds with her.
Alisa pointed to Jaxon and James first.
“Bumbling twins and curious language be Tweedledee and Tweedledum” she pointed out.
“Tweedledee and Tweedledum?” I asked her.
“Why is it not apparent? They mutter and shirk in their banter and fight and agree in the most comical of fashions.”
Next she pointed to Cherry who had her head lowered, her back straight but she was continuously shaking
“At all times moving, such a curious matter is her the March Hare. Nervous ticks galore in her attempt at normality. Her hands long to move and alter, jittering”
“What about her?” I pointed to Blondie who was slouched in her chair clearly wanting to go and smoke or finish that episode of Breaking Bad, however she was still smirking like she was having a joke with herself.
“The Cheshire Cat with that devilish smile that hides many things and yet one never knows what witticism she is harbouring behind that grinning exterior”
Then she turned to Hillary the therapist who was in charge of the therapy session,
“McTwisp the White Rabbit, messenger of the many, but to one remains true. The Red Queen she is unknown to few” at the mention of The Red Queen, Alisa’s whole disposition changed to hot anger, her teeth grinding together. But it disappeared in an instant. I had to stop staring at her like that.
Alisa pulled away the blind flicking back into position to align with the other blind strands perfectly. She stood up straightly and then looked at me.
“And what am I Alice?” I asked to her in a hushed tone. I was trying to be flirty but her expression didn’t waver from that beautiful unreadable look of hers. My gaze lingered from her face down to the slope of her neck, the valley between her breasts, I could tell that she wasn’t wearing a bra today. I had to suppress the smirk that threatened to show itself,
“You are my Mad Hatter. Eyes that divulge and hide, his stature strong and alluring” her gaze never wavered from my eyes. Alluring…? Alisa leaned in close and for a moment I was sure that she was going to kiss me.
Abruptly Alisa grabbed my wrist in her hand and pulled me down a few halls and across the corridor and into a dark room. Shit, dark rooms, I wasn’t good with dark rooms. Especially dark rooms that housed not only me but this schizophrenic who thought I was a Hatter.
“Alice won’t we get caught?” I asked her delicately. She locked the door behind us and turned on the lamp light beside her bed. Locked door…dark room…a beautiful girl…
“Surely not, surely not” she mumbled, “this is my cell they shall not presume you to be here”
Her cell? Guessing she meant her bedroom. Bedroom? As if I wasn’t trying to maintain self-control already. I looked around the room and saw paintings and drawings stuck to the walls of the room. The whole place looked like a cave someone had been hibernating in. The hospital bed was unmade and the white sheets were in disarray, the drawings above Alisa’s bed were charcoal and looked like pictures of monsters and mythical things. Creatures with huge feathery wings, sharp teeth, beady eyes and scales glared down at me from above the bed.
Many other creatures littered the wall space, cats, rabbits, mice, a blue caterpillar. Each animal had its own page that it had been drawn onto, but then there was another picture where they were all in together. The creatures were all stuffed into a glass jar, while someone stood above, reaching into the jar with a clawed hand. Woah, Alisa was wicked talented. Her drawings were so messy, rough and dishevelled but everything seemed to work perfectly. No one had mentioned that Alisa drew. I stood their admiring the drawings wondering why every other character in Wonderland was there, all but The Mad Hatter. Another painting was one of the lounge room the red couch a messy blotch in the middle however except for our dormitory buddies sitting on the couch. The Cheshire Cat, March Hare and the Tweedles were sitting in harmony on the couch almost like they were poising for the picture. Shifting my gaze away from her mish mash of art I continued to look around the room.
On her bedside table were jars of the most curious things. Coils of shiny ribbon, large coat buttons, quills, dead maple leaves, a pair of scissors and even a fresh candle were all stuffed into the glass jar with a cork stopper. The gleaming scissors were razor sharp, strong enough to tear through skin, rip the pain, draw the crimson blood from my veins…lies…all lies.
“Will you join me Hatter?” she gestured to the other half of her bed as she sat propped up on pillows.
Join her? I had not ever been asked to join anyone in anything. They left me to myself. Isolation Michael, isolation is your salvation. I stood still for a moment, completely stunted as to what I should do. What if someone caught us? We weren’t supposed to be in other patient’s rooms, especially those of the opposite sex. Deciding to be a rebel for once in my life I nervously stepped up and sat beside her, inches away from her. I turned to her and saw that the tattoo on her neck was exposed. Until now I hadn’t known what ink she had on her neck, but now I could clearly see that it was the words ‘Alice in Wonderland’ scrawled upwards in a spiky, swirled font.
“The gates to this prison shalt not open nor will anyone come to our aid. I do not believe we know each other Hatter,” Alice—Alisa started, bringing my attention back up to her eyes, “I want to know everything about you. Doth the time remain 6 ‘o’ clock and never nears nor recedes? Have you continued your meetings with the Dormouse as well as our friend the March Hare? Why have you not come to rescue me earlier my dear Hatter?”
Never before had I seen someone so…whimsical. I loved it.
Her words flowed from her fervent lips so gently and yet harshly, I was momentarily stunned as to what I could possibly respond with. She talked to me as though we were long life friends yet had even said that we had never met. I knew it was rude to not respond to her so finally mustered something from within me to answer her so very colourful questions,
“The time continues, Alice.” I started, “I might have met again with the Dormouse” whoever the hell he was.
“What of your late arrival?” her eyes burnt into the side of my face. Alice’s gaze was so intense so focussed as though she was forever trying to figure things out. I knew this girl would not like lies so I told her truthfully,
“I had not known you were in this establishment, which is why our meeting is so delayed” I made sure each word was carefully placed, the eternal scepticism was astonishing.
“I render your answers truthful, Hatter” a blonde curl flittered down to sit upon my shoulder. It looked so shiny and smooth even in this terribly dim light. I had the sudden urge to feel its silkiness between my fingers. However I refrained from doing so, it didn’t seem Alice was accustom to much human contact, despite the fact that she was pressed up against my side…and we were on her bed.
I gave a huge sigh in and held it there while the deafening hum of the outside corridors and halls were muffled. Recovering from recent events I began to think of how quick I had learnt of Alice, I mean Alisa.
Alisa and I stayed there talking about ourselves for hours. We sat right next to each other, lying on her bed, our shoulders and feet almost touching. The more I watched her intently and listened, the more I saw her bright blue eyes watching me so closely. But because she had schizophrenia she kept referring to the others as their character names. However there was one character that she kept on mentioning whom she had never spoken of before and neither had anyone else from Dorm 23. She spoke of such malice whenever she talked of the Red Queen. It took me a while to figure it out but I did know for sure that this Red Queen whom she spoke so hatefully of…was her mother.
“You know Hatter” she continued in her merry and airy tone, “If I had a world of my own everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”
I had no idea what she had just said, but I gave her a reassuring smile nonetheless.
After that I couldn’t focus, I was too busy watching her full mouth talk and the fluency in the way she talked, so descriptive and intelligent. Her hair sat in tendrils across her forehead and tumbled down her back. Being so close to her right now I could see the vivid blue irises of her eyes and how sapphire coloured they were. I don’t think I’ve ever liked someone so much and this being the only real conversation we’ve had.
“The Solitaire Cards seized me after that,” Alice continued, “they placed me into a room full of people who ensured nothing but talk about me and then locked me here to rot away till I’m nothing” I had heard what she said and I didn’t filter what I was about to say.
“You’re very beautiful Alice” my voice managed to say after the time of silence. Alisa looked at me with curious eyes and gave a weak smile.
“You flatter me Hatter” she said and moved closer to me till our shoulders touched and her small toe bumped my bare ankle. We sat in the darkness of her room and I felt her head rest on my shoulder and I wondered if she had fallen asleep. I leant up a little and looked around for a clock.
“Alice, Alice?” I prodded her and whispered in her ear.
“What troubles you?” she asked in the gloom, her breath flittering across my skin, making me almost move closer so that her lips pressed against my neck.
“Where is your clock?”
“Clock or no, I care not for time, as it will not pass swifter nor slowly if I am aware” she murmured to me. I forgot the time and sat and thought on what she had said. It was true though, in reality time would not go any faster or any slower if we knew the hour or the minute. But I knew people here who counted every single day towards their release, people like Blondie, to them this place was a prison too.
“You tire Hatter, rest your weary eyes with me” Alice breathed against my neck as she was close to sleeping. I obeyed her word, settled down and closed my eyes. It was some time later when I heard some commotion outside in the corridors.
I had no idea what time it was. But I had the feeling that we had been sleeping for some time. It was one of those times where you just felt as though it was late. However the thought of Nurse Carrigan stepping into the room with me and Alisa on a bed together…sleeping. I didn’t know what they punished for a girl and a guy being together after hours, but it’s not like we did anything. We just talked. But we were touching, that to the nurses, was classified as breaking the rules of no intimacy with other patients.
“Alice? Alice, wake up” I said gently into her ear. She lay sleeping against my chest and she was so warm and small curled up with me. She wore the thin t-shirt, no bra and it took everything in me to not think about what her creamy body looked like underneath the very thin layer of clothing that separated us. She was so warm and soft lying against me. It was as though we were good friends, friends enough to touch and whisper in each other’s ears. Her breath that swayed against my neck was almost addictive. I could stay in this moment forever, but I could hear commotion outside the doors.
“Alice, come on” I murmured and sat up in the bed which caused her to stir. She opened her eyes and was angry for a moment.
“Hatter what calls for this timely interruption?” she said loudly.
“The nurs-guards are coming back” I said, “and I can’t be seen here”
“Oh!” she jumped up out of the bed as though to go do something. I heard the nurses shuffling through the hallways, doors being opened. Oh god, how long had we been in here for?
“I must go now Alice” I told her, a little sadly. I took her hand in my own and kissed the knuckles of her alabaster hand, just like a knight would have done, just in the fashion she would have liked for me to leave,
“We will see each other again I know” I promised. A shadow of a blush reached Alice’s high cheekbones.
“Until then, I will miss you dear Hatter” she smiled and I turned and walked out of her room, closing the door with a very small click. Telling by the light of the sun that came through the windows on the side of the buildings it looked like early morning maybe even dawn. Thankful that no one had found me out, I was about to slip back into my own room a few doors down, blessing the stars that none of the nurses had gotten too Dorm 23 yet.
However once I turned around I came face to face with a very cranky looking Nurse Carrigan. She wore the clean cut, white nurse’s uniform, her hair pinned right back in a harsh bun on top of her head. Her harsh eyes bulged out when she saw me coming out of Alisa’s room.
“Mr Lantara?” Nurse was aghast. Fuck…
“I’ve been looking around for you everywhere young man. You missed therapy yesterday, you didn’t show up for dinner—were you in Alisa Wilder’s room all night?” she folded her arms to her chest and I felt embarrassment crawl up my neck, strangling me.
“Yes ma’am” I mumbled, lowering my head in shame.
“Are you aware of the rules about after hour visiting of other patients Mr Lantara?” she asked and began to walk me down the hall where my bedroom was shared with Jaxon and James.
“Yes ma’am”
“Then there is no excuse that you are visiting that girl” she barked and opened the door of my dorm. The room was empty and all three beds were made, the lights however were still on, Jaxon and James it seemed had already gotten up and were down at breakfast.
“Do not speak to that patient again Mr Lantara she’s dangerous” the nurse said sternly.
“Dangerous?” I asked, but it was more of a statement of disbelief.
“She goes to a lot of therapy and takes twice as many drugs as you do” she snapped.
“I go to a lot of therapy, am I dangerous?” I shot back.
“No but you don’t believe in floating cats and red queens. Do yourself a favour and try and keep a healthy distance away from Alisa Wilders.” she ordered, Nurse Carrigan was quiet for a moment as I headed into the room to get a fresh change of clothes, “After breakfast I want to you to report to Doctor Stines for a look over before group meeting this morning”
It took me a minute to catch on to what she was saying. I had only been here a few weeks but I already knew most of the nurses and doctors. It wasn’t hard to keep track since everyone in Dorm 23 talked of them so badly. Doctor Stines dealt with the STD’s and the Nymphomaniac department of the institute.
“I didn’t sleep with her!!” I shouted at Nurse Carrigan. She seemed taken aback raising her eyebrows and ignored my plight.
“I only have your word to prove that you didn’t. I’ll make an appointment so if you don’t show up I shall know” with that she left me to shower and get down to breakfast.
I think I would remember if I had had sex with Alisa Wilders.