| August 17 | Friday Evening |
~ Sam's POV ~
The anticipation of having dinner tonight with Megan was becoming overwhelming as I tried my best not to get in my head too much. Blair had all but threatened to kill me if I didn't have a successful conversation with my fiancée about our wedding aspirations before she had boarded her plain early this morning.
*flashback*
I lugged Blair's suitcase out of my trunk and set it next to her, hating that I most likely wouldn't see her again until Shawn and Casey's wedding in November. This week had been much needed, but I hated to see it end. I attempted to hide the sting of pain from surfacing onto my face.
"So..." Blair started. "Dinner tonight. Remember what we talked about?"
I nodded. "Don't chicken out. Start the wedding conversation. Remind Megan that I'm still all in, despite my hesitation to talk about it."
Blair tilted her head. "You're ready for this, Sam. No matter what that stupid little, doubtful voice in your head tells you. It's just your anxiety."
"I hate how short this trip felt," I voiced.
"Me too."
I released a heavy sigh before pulling Blair's body into me. The embrace felt different. There was something about it that told both of us that this is where the distance got real. The reality of our situation was setting in now that she was leaving to go back to Missouri, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with it.
She pulled back, attempting to hide the tears on her water line. A quick swipe of the hand wiped them away.
"I'll text you when I land, but you better call me with good news tonight," she ordered. "Or I will kill you when I see you again in November."
I couldn't help but laugh at her threat. "I will."
"I love you."
"Love you more."
Then she turned and disappeared into the airport, leaving me to sort out my life alone once again.
*end flashback*
Megan had let me know via text that she was on her way to the restaurant, which meant I had about fifteen minutes of alone time. I leaned back into my seat and sipped the glass of wine I had ordered, hoping for it to suppress some of my nerves.
It felt stupid, really. The nerves and all. It didn't make sense. Blair was right, Megan loved me. She loved me a lot more than anyone in my life has ever loved me. She was tolerant, understanding, empathetic... She's everything I've ever wanted in someone. My anxiety was never going to go away unless I worked on it myself, which seemed to be a step I needed to take on my own. Megan nor Blair could help me with that.
Fifteen minutes passed quickly while I was in my head, and soon Megan was joining me at our table. I stood from my seat to greet her.
"Hey babe," I said as I kissed her hello. "How was school?"
"It was fine," she answered. "My kids are great. The school is great. I had a good Friday."
I smiled. "That's good."
"I'm surprised Chris let you have a Friday night off." She leaned into her seat. "Isn't Crossroads usually busy?"
I shrugged. "He probably just figured he owed me one since I haven't had one off since I started."
"Right."
Megan ordered a glass of wine for herself and we took a glance at our menus. I wanted her to settle in before we started the serious talk. Or maybe I was just stalling a bit. The thought of disappointing Blair entered my mind as I decided on an entrée. I set my menu down.
"I need to talk to you about our engagement," I blurted as soon as she set her own menu down.
Her blue eyes widened with worry, immediately telling me I should've worded my sentence differently.
"It's not bad," I interjected nervously. "I'm sorry, I just –" I took a breath. "I know that I've been avoiding conversation about the wedding ever since I proposed, but I need you to know it's not because I'm having second thoughts."
I watched the relief reveal itself on Megan's face.
"It's okay if you're not ready to plan –"
"It's not that," I interrupted.
Silence settled between us as I searched for what I was trying to say.
"You know me more than anyone on this planet," I reminded. "You know everything I went through as a kid, and how that's shaped the way I look at love and relationships. You know it's something I've refused to acknowledge for a long time, but I need you to know that I still struggle with it. Every single day."
She just stared at me.
"I feel like I'm always gonna have this little voice of doubt whispering in the back of mind, making me feel like this isn't worth the risk of heartbreak if we don't last," I continued. "A wedding makes all of this real, and maybe that's why I've been avoiding talking about it..." I swallowed the nerves in my throat. "But I'm ready to start planning the wedding. I'm ready to give you everything you've ever wanted out of your wedding day, and I'm ready to start planning our lives together, but that doubt makes it really hard."
"Which is why I think I may need to start going to therapy," I revealed.
Megan seemed shocked, but not surprised.
"Why don't you look surprised?" I asked. "Do you think it's a bad idea?"
"No. Not at all. I just..." She paused. "I never thought you'd take that step."
"Blair might've talked some sense into me this week," I revealed. "She's right, though. I need to start facing my fears and figure out how to silence them, because I don't want them getting in the way anymore."
She gave me a warm smile.
"But therapy is expensive, so this might cut into our wedding fund," I finished.
"That's okay," Megan reassured. "We don't have to get married anytime soon. Life isn't a race, Sam."
"I just don't want you to get impatient with me."
She grabbed my hand from across the table, forcing my gaze to hers.
"I will never," Megan promised. "But I do want to be married by the time I turn thirty, so... that gives you four years."
"I can deal with that," I finished.
The tension surrounding the wedding topic dissipated as we ordered our dinner and started discussing actual plans for what we wanted. Of course, I didn't know much about what I wanted, but Megan seemed to have a very clear image, so I just let her talk while I took mental notes. All the nerves that had previously been jumping around in my stomach seemed to settle down, and I could finally breathe easy again.
Then, before we could get the check, Megan's phone rang out.
She reached down into her purse and looked at the caller ID before making a face. Her reaction seemed odd, but I didn't think much of it as she let the call go to voicemail.
"Who was that?" I wondered.
"I don't know," she replied. "But if it's important, they'll leave a voicemail."
We paid our check and headed out the door of the restaurant as Megan revealed her phone again. This time, she checked her messages and realized the unknown number had left one.
"Well, they left a voicemail, so..."
She hit play.
"Hi Megan, this is Susan from FosterNow Florida returning your message from earlier today. We've forwarded you some documents to the email you provided us including information concerning the application process for you and your partner. If you have anymore questions, please don't hesitate to call this number back. Thank you."
Foster? Foster... what? The confusion I felt was overwhelming, and when I looked at Megan, she had this guilty look on her face. Why did she look so... worried? Foster... as in foster care? Like for a child? Suddenly my confusion turned to anger as I realized what was going on.
"It's just something I was curious about –"
"Curious about what, Megan? Fostering a child?" I wondered.
"I was going to tell you," she defended. "It just didn't feel like the right time."
"When would be a good time, then? Were you gonna wait until we passed the application process? Or until we got a call to home a child?" I fumed.
"Of course not!"
I couldn't muster up anything else to say as I revealed my keys from my pocket. Luckily, we had come separately, which meant I could have a few minutes of solidarity before continuing this conversation. If we continued it at all once we got home.
"I'll see you at home," I finished.
"Sam..."
But I closed the door behind me and tried not to let my anxiety fuel my anger. We had made so much progress tonight, only for me to find out that Megan was curious about fostering a kid? We weren't even married yet! Hell, I was still having a ton of issues with that! And now she was curious about adding a kid to the mix?
I drove around for a few minutes trying to calm myself down and not stay angry, but nothing I told myself made it go away. So I sat in the driveway of our home and stared at Megan's car that was already there when I arrived. I continued to take deep breaths.
Then I exited my car and headed inside.
***A/N***
You know I had to add some drama, right? We couldn't have all fluff this season. Besides, drama makes the end result so much more satisfying... unless it's a not-so-happy ending. Then it just makes you mad. Lol. Stay tuned to find out!
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And as always,
Be Proud. Stay You.
Lauryn A. Brooks