The next few weeks were quiet around the ranch. Both Tate and Megan did their thing, and didn't interact with each other as much as they had been before. Tate was a bit more quite and withdrawn, and Megan found herself worrying more and more that he wanted to leave her. They barely spoke and all affection between them had ceased. Both seemed to be trying to get over the fact that they were alone on the ranch, Megan missing her dad and Tate missing his friend.
"I made one of your favorites tonight!" Megan faked a cheerful voice as she heard Tate walk into the kitchen one evening after chores. She turned and placed the salad on the table, completing the roast meal. Tate smiled weakly.
"It sure does look amazing." Megan felt herself deflate a little at his half hearted comment and tried to tell herself that he was just tired after a long day of ranching. The weather had gotten considerably colder and work was always harder in the winter. After eating half of the supper in silence, Megan decided she couldn't take it anymore.
"Tate are you mad at me?" His head whipped up and he stared at her with eyes full of surprise.
"No ma'am. Why would I be mad at you?"
"I don't know! It's just that these last few weeks you haven't said more than two words to me in a day. I feel like you are mad at me or are annoyed with my presence. If that's it, then just leave and go somewhere that makes you more happy. I won't be able to manage this all on my own but it doesn't matter. As long as you stop brooding around." Ashamed at her sudden outburst she ducked her head and felt her cheeks go red.
"Megs! I promise you I ain't mad or annoyed and I sure ain't leaving here." She didn't look up at him instead just nodded softly and picked at her food. Suddenly his big hand slid underneath her chin. "I'm sorry you feel this way darlin. Guess I've just been going through a rough patch."
"I understand Tate. I just wish you wouldn't block me out so much. Talk to me instead." Megan had hoped Tate would soften and tell her what was wrong but instead, he studied her face for a moment and then his eyes shuttered.
"I don't need to tell you my life story Megan. Everyone has problems and I'm no different but that don't mean I need to share them with everyone. As long as it doesn't effect my work I don't see why you would care." His cold words stunned her into silence and she sat in shock as he gulped down the rest of his food. The whole evening after he had gone out to his bunkhouse, her mind spun with questions about what she had done wrong.
*****
The next few days, the temperatures dropped dramatically. Megan shivered one morning as she slid out of bed and quickly pulled on her clothes before she froze. She quickly wheeled out to the kitchen to get coffee going to have for when Tate came in from the morning chores. A couple minutes later she heard him come in, stamping his boots and shivering.
"Good morning Tate." She turned with a cup of coffee in her hand and held it out to him. He nodded his head in thanks and took it from her.
"Mornin ma'am." He had started calling her ma'am again rather than Megan or Megs, and she wasn't sure if she should let it bother her or not. He looked angry and she bit her lip, trying to decide whether to ask him what was wrong.
"What's wrong?" She finally asked as she watched him clatter around the kitchen, muttering under his breath now and then. He looked up at her and shrugged.
"When are those cows due to start calvin?" She did a quick calculation in her head, trying to remember when they had put the bull out.
"Middle of March maybe." He swore and shook his head. "Why? What's going on?" She wheeled over to him and laid her hand on his arm. He abruptly shook it off while he slammed down his coffee cup and headed for the door again.
"Got one goin into labor right now. Call the vet and then come out to the barn. I gotta get her in there." With that he breezed out the door and slammed it shut behind him leaving Megan's mind spinning. It was only the start of December and there was no way the calf or even the cow could survive a four and a half month early birth. She felt sick as she picked up the phone and dialed the local vet. If this was how the winter was starting, than it wasn't looking like it was going to be a good one.
****
Three hours later the vet shook his head and stood up from where he was knelt over the cow.
"I'm sorry Megan. I knew the calf would be gone from the moment you called but I had hoped we could save the cow." She heard Tate swear softly behind her and she felt the heaviness of loosing an animal weigh deeply on her. She stared at the cow laying prone in front of her.
"It's alright Doc. Just one of those things I guess." She shrugged and then turned to Tate. "Can you get her out of here?"
"Yes ma'am." He went outside to the shed next door to start the tractor, cold air blowing in around him as he left.
"Megan?" Doc said and she turned from staring at the cow.
"Yeah?" The old man was smiling at her but she couldn't quite find it in her to smile back.
"You are just like your father. I know a lot of men that get worked up about these kinds of things but your father wasn't one of them. He'd always just step back, shrug and say 'sometimes you win and sometimes you loose.' He was a good man." Megan nodded and suddenly her eyes filled with tears.
"Yeah. I remember him teaching me that there are just some things in life best left in God's care. Ranching is one of them. We can't control what happens all the time, we've just got to trust." They both went quiet as they thought about her father and the memories they shared of him.
****
Tate stood just outside the barn door listening to the vet and Megan talk. 'Some things are best left in God's care.' He blinked hard and wished he could tell Megan just how wrong she was. He had been filled with a weird type of anger these past few weeks and he knew the feeling well. He was getting restless. He was being reminded of his past too much. He wanted to run. Just then the barn door swung open and the vet came out. He noticed Tate and came over there, clapping him on the shoulder.
"You did a good job there." Tate shook his head.
"Wasn't enough though." The vet shook his head.
"Couldn't have done any better myself. Seems her guts got twisted somehow or another and she forced herself into labor trying to fix it. There wasn't a thing on earth that could've saved that cow barring a miracle from up above." Tate's head buzzed with sound and he nodded numbly. He faintly heard the vet telling him to have a good night and the truck fire up but he was in a different place in his mind.
"Tate there was nothin' that could've saved that boy and you know it. It ain't your fault."
"What about God mama? He could've."
"Tate Hank Simmons don't you go blamin' God. Sometimes his ways are not always our ways and you know that. We don't always understand. It's just one of those things."
"Then it was my fault. Gotta blame somebody."
"Tate! Tate don't just leave. You get back here boy and listen to me. Tate!"
"Tate!" He suddenly snapped out of his reverie and glanced to his side to see Megan staring up at him, concern painted on her face.
"Uh yeah?"
"Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." She reached out and touched his arm and for the first time in a while he didn't shrug away from her touch.
"Uh yeah. Just... just a bad memory is all." He came fully to his senses as she reached for his hand and squeezed it and he gently pulled his hand out of hers.
"Sorry Megs but I've got to get that cow out of here before she starts bloatin." With that he left her watching him sadly as he turned and went to get the tractor. As he hauled the dead cow out of the barn, his mama's voice echoed over and over in his ears.
"Tate it ain't your fault."
*****
A few days later a blizzard hit and as Tate was outside fighting against the wind and snow and trying to find the herd, his phone rang. It echoed in the enclosed tractor cab and he grabbed it. For once he looked at the called ID before answering and what he saw made his heart throb and a deep hurt overtake him. He turned numb and instead of answering he stared blankly at his screen, not able to get his body to move. Finally it stopped ringing and a message popped up.
*1 new voicemail*
He shoved the phone back in his pocket and finished the chores and later in the quietness of the barn he picked up his phone again. Slowly he clicked on the message and followed the ladies instructions, his heart racing in anticipation. Finally the familiar voice echoed over the line.
"Hi Tate. It's your mama but I'm sure you already know that. I'm just callin to say hi. Cole told me he stayed with you for a while and that you've found yourself a woman. I'm happy baby. I really am. I hope someday I can meet her. I guess I also called to say I miss you baby. I really do. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and ache for you. Please come home soon Tate, if even for a visit. I ain't gettin any younger and I want to see you. And Tate? I know that thing is eatin you up on the inside but don't give it permission too. It's time to come back home and make amends and come back to God. You've hurt for long enough baby. I hope this message finds you well and happy and Tate? Please don't turn to that bottle. I know you want too. I know it's easy too. But baby stay away from it okay? Just remember that your mama loves and misses you with all her heart and wants you to know that she knows it wasn't your fault. Everyone else does too so it's time to put the past to rest and come home. Please come home Tate. And bring that girl with you. I love you baby!" He heard her sniff and then the phone beeped.
"Dang it mama." He hung his head and let the tears fall from his eyes. Her strong southern accent echoed in his mind.
"I ain't gettin any younger." He didn't know how long he sat in the barn but when the tears finally stopped, numbness washed over him. Slowly he stood up and headed for his truck. Not caring about the blizzard, or Megan, or his mama's words he drove slowly into town. He needed to get wasted.