After a few more days of rest I was finally allowed to go back to work, which was a dream come true. I missed going to work. When I got back I fell right back into normal order, even giving Blair a day off. I missed baking and being able to connect with the customers. I also missed staying late trying to finish an order. My shop was where I belonged.
However, ever since my conversation with Lucas I haven't been the same. My mind kept wondering back to what he said about having a baby. I didn't know how I felt about that actually. It was as if I had turned off my emotions that was connected to that subject. I didn't want to think about this right now. I tried to work my way away from it but it kept catching up to me. I had to face the fact that he wanted a baby right now and I was just trying to figure out my emotions. I didn't know if I had healed from everything or if I was just in denial.
It was Saturday and since Lucas was going to be at work all day I decided I needed to go see my mom. I hadn't seen my mom since I went camping and when I got sick. I knew she was going to get impatient if I didn't go to see her. I needed to see her anyway, my mind was going a mile a minute and I needed her to slow it down.
When I walked into the house I went upstairs to find my mom making up the bed in her room. I watched remembering how I used to love watching her do this when I was younger. That was time I told myself I was going to be just like her when I grew up. But you soon learn when you grow up everything doesn't work out that way.
"My daughter has returned," my mom said noticing me.
"Yea, about that, I didn't know what Lucas had planned and I definitely didn't know I would end up getting food poisoning."
"Relax Samaria. Lucas called and told me his plans before you left and even called when you got sick." I nodded sitting on the bed sighing.
"Well that's good I guess."
"He also told me about a wedding you two will be having." I looked up and she was smiling wide. I knew this information made her happy. She has wanted to plan my wedding since I was born.
"I thought you might like that," I said smiling then dropping it quickly. I looked down at my feet not knowing what to say next. My mind was screaming. My mom came and sat down beside me. I could feel her eyes on me by now. She grabbed my hand squeezing it tightly.
"What's going on Samaria?"
"Lucas wants to try and have another baby." I bit my lip to hold back my tears. I hadn't cried about this in a long time and I promised myself I wouldn't. The tears were pushing at my lids making it harder for me to hold back what I had been holding back.
"Do you want that?"
"Lucas and I are getting back on track and he's learning how to balance work and home life."
"That's nice but I asked if that's what you wanted. Do you want to have or try to have a baby right now?" I took in her words not knowing how to respond. I knew how I wanted to respond but I just couldn't.
I looked at her with tears in my eyes. "No. I want a baby more than anything but what I've been through is still there and I need time."
"That's understandable."
"Is it? Because Lucas wants a child now and we literally just got back to being happy and I don't want to mess that up."
She brought me into her wrapping her arms around me. "You got pregnant pretty quickly which didn't allow you and Lucas to connect as a married couple. You two skipped a few steps and jumped straight into chaos and turmoil and that's okay but now you both need to take a few steps back in order to get to the point of being ready to be a parent."
I sniffed wiping away my eyes full of tears. "Thank you."
My mom let go of me looking at me seriously now. "So have you been to see your brother lately." I hesitated and shook my head no.
"I have been too scared to see him. Is he any better?" my mom sighed deeply rubbing her eyes.
"My baby boy is laying in a hospital bed unconscious with two gun shots wounds inside him. You need to go see your little brother Samaria. Everyone has been, even Brianna. You have to stop running because Jordan needs you."
After leaving my mom's my mind was reeling with information. I knew she was right about going to see Jordan but it was hard for me. I hated seeing him like that. I wanted to keep the memory of him being happy and lively. I didn't want to see him unconscious and half dead. Of course, I wanted to see my little brother but I didn't want to see him like that.
Also knew that needed to go talk to Lucas about what we talked about. I headed to his office to talk things out and see if our marriage could handle it or not. I didn't want this to be the end of things. I thought it would soften the bow if I brought him some dinner.
When I entered his office he was at his desk reading some files. "You know when I worked here you never had to read files. I usually did that myself." he looked up and smiled at me.
"What do I owe the pleasure?" he sat back putting his pen down.
I held up the food I brought smiling back. "I brought you dinner since I knew you would be down here a while." I went up to his desk and set the bag down on it. He took it and looked inside it letting the scent move to his nose. He looked up and smiled. "I thought you would love it."
He took out the food and revealed the bacon double cheese burger. He took a huge bite moaning in response. I sat down and watched him eat happily. After a few minutes he stopped eating and looked up at me.
"Okay I know you didn't come here to watch me eat, so tell me what's really up." I sighed knowing he would eventually catch on to what I was doing. I was dreading this the whole way here. I didn't know how he was going to take this but I knew what I wanted and needed.
"I went to see my mother about something."
"What the wedding?" I shook my head.
"No. About us trying to have another baby." I bit my lip waiting for is next response.
"Oh, I didn't see that coming."
"It's not that I don't want to have a baby, I just don't think we are stable enough for a baby right now. We just got back to the point where we can be ourselves again and I don't want to lose that again."
He got up and walked around to me. I couldn't tell how he was feeling by the way he was looking. He came to me and kneeled down in front of me. He took my hands, "No matter what they will never go back to where we were and nothing will change that."
"Even so I still believe we should wait on trying to have a baby. I'm just saying I want us to wait a while and get to know each other more as a married couple. I just want us to be stable this time."
He nodding. "Fine if you want to wait, we will wait but I won't wait forever. I want a family and I want it with you."
"So you're not mad at me?"
"No, actually I'm glad you came and talked to me about it instead of keeping it to yourself. I don't ever want you to feel you can't come to me." He reached up and placed his lips on mine.
Before I went home I made up my mind to go see Jordan. My mom was right, I needed to stop running. Jordan needed me and truthfully I needed him.
I entered the room to find him still unconscious. I wanted to cry but I wouldn't let myself. I needed to be strong. I needed to go through with this. I swallowed hard and entered into the room. I walked over to him grabbing his left hand and kissed him on his forehead.
"I've been dreading this moment. I hate seeing you like this little brother. You gotta wake up because the family is falling apart without you." I looked at him further and took in his appearance. He looked so pale like he was trying to hang on by a string. Jordan was strong but he looked like he was close to losing his battle. I needed him to hold on because I couldn't lose him.
I sat on his bed sighing. I missed being closed to him like this.
"Never thought I would say this but I really miss seeing you walk around my house in just your boxers. So you have to wake up so you can walk around in your boxers because I can't keep doing this Jordan. I miss you." A tear slid down my cheek. This was too much.
When I was about to get up I felt something squeeze my hand. I looked up at my hand then to Jordan to see him staring at me. "It's about time you came."